Going out this weekend
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South Dakota
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Going out this weekend
Is it frowned upon to go out while your ABF is sobering up?
That sounds really selfish but let me put it this way....I've just been trying to get my air and space to breath back. I talked to a close friend last night and after what happened this weekend she wants me to go out to the bars with her Saturday night so we can get all dressed up and enjoy a good night out. Due to bars just being expensive in general I probably won't drink much. My ABF would be staying home because otherwise that would defeat the purpose of getting my freedom back, or atleast feeling like it.
Another thing he does is he has always complained about how our other roommate (My best friend, also lived with me for the last 3 years) can drink all he wants and **** up all he wants but I still forgive him. I've tried to explain to him that my best friend doesnt have a temper when he drinks, he also doesnt **** himself whenever he does. He's the kind that brings home a six pack after work but he is a very high functioning alcoholic. It has never affected his finances, job, money, etc. I told my ABF I'd be there to support him but I cant tell my roommates how to live their life.
That sounds really selfish but let me put it this way....I've just been trying to get my air and space to breath back. I talked to a close friend last night and after what happened this weekend she wants me to go out to the bars with her Saturday night so we can get all dressed up and enjoy a good night out. Due to bars just being expensive in general I probably won't drink much. My ABF would be staying home because otherwise that would defeat the purpose of getting my freedom back, or atleast feeling like it.
Another thing he does is he has always complained about how our other roommate (My best friend, also lived with me for the last 3 years) can drink all he wants and **** up all he wants but I still forgive him. I've tried to explain to him that my best friend doesnt have a temper when he drinks, he also doesnt **** himself whenever he does. He's the kind that brings home a six pack after work but he is a very high functioning alcoholic. It has never affected his finances, job, money, etc. I told my ABF I'd be there to support him but I cant tell my roommates how to live their life.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Noraa,
I think this is a very bad idea. I had to re-read your first post. Yes, I do think you should be able to go out with your friends, but not while you are in the situation that you are in. This will escalate things. He already put his hands on you Labor Day Weekend. You stated you have felt like he had wanted to hit you several time.
I think you going out, will just put a "bee in his bonnet". Please take care of the situation that you are in now, call a DV line, get help, get free, and then live your life.
You really don't have a life right now. I also don't feel he is trying to get sober. He was intoxicated Labor Day Weekend. I do feel that you going out will give him his reason to drink. Not that it would be your fault, but he will use it to blame you, and he will use it to verbally abuse you, and he will use it for whatever other excuse he needs for his behavior when you come back home.
Please take care and be safe.
I think this is a very bad idea. I had to re-read your first post. Yes, I do think you should be able to go out with your friends, but not while you are in the situation that you are in. This will escalate things. He already put his hands on you Labor Day Weekend. You stated you have felt like he had wanted to hit you several time.
I think you going out, will just put a "bee in his bonnet". Please take care of the situation that you are in now, call a DV line, get help, get free, and then live your life.
You really don't have a life right now. I also don't feel he is trying to get sober. He was intoxicated Labor Day Weekend. I do feel that you going out will give him his reason to drink. Not that it would be your fault, but he will use it to blame you, and he will use it to verbally abuse you, and he will use it for whatever other excuse he needs for his behavior when you come back home.
Please take care and be safe.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by amy55 
Noraa,
I think this is a very bad idea. I had to re-read your first post. Yes, I do think you should be able to go out with your friends, but not while you are in the situation that you are in. This will escalate things. He already put his hands on you Labor Day Weekend. You stated you have felt like he had wanted to hit you several time.
I think you going out, will just put a "bee in his bonnet". Please take care of the situation that you are in now, call a DV line, get help, get free, and then live your life.
You really don't have a life right now. I also don't feel he is trying to get sober. He was intoxicated Labor Day Weekend. I do feel that you going out will give him his reason to drink. Not that it would be your fault, but he will use it to blame you, and he will use it to verbally abuse you, and he will use it for whatever other excuse he needs for his behavior when you come back home.
Please take care and be safe.
I think this is a very bad idea. I had to re-read your first post. Yes, I do think you should be able to go out with your friends, but not while you are in the situation that you are in. This will escalate things. He already put his hands on you Labor Day Weekend. You stated you have felt like he had wanted to hit you several time.
I think you going out, will just put a "bee in his bonnet". Please take care of the situation that you are in now, call a DV line, get help, get free, and then live your life.
You really don't have a life right now. I also don't feel he is trying to get sober. He was intoxicated Labor Day Weekend. I do feel that you going out will give him his reason to drink. Not that it would be your fault, but he will use it to blame you, and he will use it to verbally abuse you, and he will use it for whatever other excuse he needs for his behavior when you come back home.
Please take care and be safe.
Also, I own the house. I closed on it July 2nd of 2012. Basically all of my "roommates" help me pay my mortgage. Other than my ABF, I have three other guys that live there. Also two dogs, one that is very protective and freaks out if the guys play fight even with eachother.
Now I'm starting to really believe I am being selfish and pathetic like he called me last weekend :/
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Oh and also just an update...I brought home a sheet with the times of AA on there and SUGGGESTED that if he's serious about quitting than it might be a good idea to find one meeting and stick to it so he can be comfortable. He said he was going to call some number and see if they had a sponsor around his age that wasn't younger than him so then he could have someone to go with him.
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You are not going to fix this!!! We can not fix any of it and that is why we and you are here!
You are 22 years old. You just bought a house. You are paying the bills. You co signed on a car for him. What the EFF is he doing? He's drinking. He's pissing your bed, seats n furniture up! He's abusive toward you. God, I feel like my life with my AH is GRAND! after reading this from you!!!
Please, pull your head out from under the covers n see this nightmare for what it's worth! Kick his ass out of that home you just bought! change the locks n send him on his way! Tell the roomies if they let him in, they will be given 30 days notice to vacate. If he renigs on the car loan, use the money deficit as a lesson learned n buy some self respect!
You are 22 years old. You just bought a house. You are paying the bills. You co signed on a car for him. What the EFF is he doing? He's drinking. He's pissing your bed, seats n furniture up! He's abusive toward you. God, I feel like my life with my AH is GRAND! after reading this from you!!!
Please, pull your head out from under the covers n see this nightmare for what it's worth! Kick his ass out of that home you just bought! change the locks n send him on his way! Tell the roomies if they let him in, they will be given 30 days notice to vacate. If he renigs on the car loan, use the money deficit as a lesson learned n buy some self respect!
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I don't think that you are selfish or pathetic at all. I think you are a young girl with great potential, and that you deserve a really good life.
It was just reading your prior post, that I feel you need to be particularly careful with this guy. It appears that he wants to own you. IMO, that could lead to a "stalker". Not to worry you, just to keep you on alert to watch out for that behavior.
Not many posts make my hands shake and the hair on my arms stand straight up, yours did though. If you honestly just want to end this, work on that first, but be very careful while you do.
You said that you are detaching from him, and that's good, just watch his behavior. I know that you have 3 roommates, and 2 dogs, but they can't be around all the time. What might have happened at that party if your friends did not show up when they did?
I am not trying to scare you, I just want you to be safe.
It was just reading your prior post, that I feel you need to be particularly careful with this guy. It appears that he wants to own you. IMO, that could lead to a "stalker". Not to worry you, just to keep you on alert to watch out for that behavior.
Not many posts make my hands shake and the hair on my arms stand straight up, yours did though. If you honestly just want to end this, work on that first, but be very careful while you do.
You said that you are detaching from him, and that's good, just watch his behavior. I know that you have 3 roommates, and 2 dogs, but they can't be around all the time. What might have happened at that party if your friends did not show up when they did?
I am not trying to scare you, I just want you to be safe.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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When I was married my ex was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. He at times was physically abusive. People would tell me that once that starts that it gets worse and worse. I didn't even consider it, it went in one ear and out the other. See I kind of blamed myself for when he hit me. After all, if I just kept my mouth shut, etc....
Looking back at what he did, I realize now that at least 3 of the hits I received could have killed me.
And here I was more concerned about the other abuse.............. My eyes are wide open now.
His drinking you have no control over, your safety is what matters the most.
Looking back at what he did, I realize now that at least 3 of the hits I received could have killed me.
And here I was more concerned about the other abuse.............. My eyes are wide open now.
His drinking you have no control over, your safety is what matters the most.
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Noraa, I was just reading your posts. One of the issues that comes up constantly is that you are nice.
I don't think you can be nice if you are not nice to yourself first. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I am 48 so you could be my daughter. I can't express how concerned I am for you, everything you have written about your ABF leads me to believe that you are in an unsafe place. There are too many tragic stories about young women who don't get away from men because they are trying to help them.
He is NOT your responsibility. You sound intelligent, kind and earnest. If he tries to hurt himself that is not your issue, I'm sorry for him, but it is not your fault or your responsibility. He is ruining his own life but please do not let him ruin yours. A lot of times these situations can escalate rapidly, especially when the alky has nothing to lose. Please be mindful of that and protect yourself by keeping other people with you . You should not have to live in a powder keg, this is the decade of your life when you should have fun, not be saddled with this BS.
I don't think you can be nice if you are not nice to yourself first. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I am 48 so you could be my daughter. I can't express how concerned I am for you, everything you have written about your ABF leads me to believe that you are in an unsafe place. There are too many tragic stories about young women who don't get away from men because they are trying to help them.
He is NOT your responsibility. You sound intelligent, kind and earnest. If he tries to hurt himself that is not your issue, I'm sorry for him, but it is not your fault or your responsibility. He is ruining his own life but please do not let him ruin yours. A lot of times these situations can escalate rapidly, especially when the alky has nothing to lose. Please be mindful of that and protect yourself by keeping other people with you . You should not have to live in a powder keg, this is the decade of your life when you should have fun, not be saddled with this BS.
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If he chooses to drink, it won't be because of anything you did or didn't do. Instead of tiptoeing around him, consider what like would look like with a partner who was loving and supportive and didn't come to the relationship with all these requirements and expectations for you that you're not gung-ho on meeting.
You've got a lot on your plate and sound like you're ambitious and ready to live your life. What is he bringing to the table? Really?
You've got a lot on your plate and sound like you're ambitious and ready to live your life. What is he bringing to the table? Really?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
I know you don't want to read this, but as the mother of 2 girls... RUN!!!!! The whole point of dating someone is to find the person you want to spend your life with, have a family with, and possibly marry someday. You do not want to marry someone with alcoholic and/or violent tendencies. This is setting you up for a lifetime of drama & pain. He might stop drinking, but the addiction will always be there & it will come up again & again through-out his life. You can't fix him. It's part of who he is. My husband has the same addictive personality & it is consistently an issue in one way or another. He's going to say he's sorry, that he'll stop, and all the normal BS. Don't buy it. There is never a good reason to stay with someone who might hurt you. Sending you strength...
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
You are not going to fix this!!! We can not fix any of it and that is why we and you are here!
You are 22 years old. You just bought a house. You are paying the bills. You co signed on a car for him. What the EFF is he doing? He's drinking. He's pissing your bed, seats n furniture up! He's abusive toward you. God, I feel like my life with my AH is GRAND! after reading this from you!!!
Please, pull your head out from under the covers n see this nightmare for what it's worth! Kick his ass out of that home you just bought! change the locks n send him on his way! Tell the roomies if they let him in, they will be given 30 days notice to vacate. If he renigs on the car loan, use the money deficit as a lesson learned n buy some self respect!
You are 22 years old. You just bought a house. You are paying the bills. You co signed on a car for him. What the EFF is he doing? He's drinking. He's pissing your bed, seats n furniture up! He's abusive toward you. God, I feel like my life with my AH is GRAND! after reading this from you!!!
Please, pull your head out from under the covers n see this nightmare for what it's worth! Kick his ass out of that home you just bought! change the locks n send him on his way! Tell the roomies if they let him in, they will be given 30 days notice to vacate. If he renigs on the car loan, use the money deficit as a lesson learned n buy some self respect!
I'm talking to his sister to find out if his Dad was like this towards them. This might sound ignorant but is it possible that this could be a one time thing? If he does stop drinking completely than I truly believe it wouldnt happen again. He is honestly the sweetest when he is sober.
And I do have some self respect. I'm also too nice for my own good and I'm aware of that.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Ask yourself... What makes me so special that these peeps have it all wrong n this is an isolated incident and all will be ok? His dad did it so it's all he knows... if only I did this, this, n this....
Your alcoholic boyfriend is not going to stop for you. He's not going to treat you well because he's so sweet n caring sober. You're here because he's exhibiting issues with alcohol. Grown men don't **** the bed.
Your alcoholic boyfriend is not going to stop for you. He's not going to treat you well because he's so sweet n caring sober. You're here because he's exhibiting issues with alcohol. Grown men don't **** the bed.
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