Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: United States - Philadelphia Suburbs
Posts: 51
Hello
Hi.
I will apologize in advance for what may be a somehwat (but sober) introduction.
I am a 43 year old man who has struggled with alcohol dependency, if not alcoholism, for much of the past 25 years. Although I don't really remember my first drink, I do remember when, as a freshman in college, I was feeling stress, anxiety and self doubt because a woman I really liked was hanging out with my roommate. I knew it was both wrong and dangerous to do so, but I said to myself "I can't take this. A beer, or two or three will make me feel better." Even though it was a Sunday night, and I had class the next morning, and even though I knew it could lead me down a dangerous path, I drank 2-3 beers.
Poof! Magic! The anxiety was gone. And instead of being sad, I became really funny and lighthearted.
Fortunately, through college and my 20s, I never really developed a taste for more than beer...wine did not interest me, and hard alcohol wasn't really an issue. I was a social drinker, but not out of control. But be assured that when stress, rejection or self-doubt arose, the first step (as soon as I could get away from obligations) in calming myself was alcohol. I once hiked a dozen blocks through unplowed streets after the blizzard of 93 to find the only beer distributor open in my city. And hiked back with a case that was gone in two days.
Over the years, through my 30s, beer guy evolved into wine guy and vodka guy. And then into hidden vodka guy. I drank because my boss worked me too hard and didn't appreciate me. I drank because I was fixing up a house by myself. I drank because my wife didn't understand me, because I worked hard and overcompensated and overachieved at everything (except sobriety). I drank because it was rainy. I drank because it was sunny. I knew I drank too much, but hey, never before 5:00; if there's one fortunate thing, oddly, I have never wanted to...
Much of my drinking has been alone, or sneaking additional drinks while in the company of others.
Especially in my mid-late 30s, I began drinking more in response to stress. Self-doubt. The pressure of establishing and running a small business (which despite my issues is reasonably successful after a decade). Deaths in my family. Fatherhood. No "me time." Trying to do things to take care of others....but hiding this dark secret of alcohol dependence, knowing the embarassment the truth of who I am would cause.
I dabbled in sobriety now and then. 40 days during Lent. A few weeks here and there. I had a cancer scare last year, which turned out to not be, but I got really healthy, best shape of my life, and didn't drink for 3 months. I divorced myself from alcohol, was comfortable talking about my previous dependence. Everyone was proud of me. So, my head was screwed on straight. Surely, the new me could have a drink.
So I did.
And I drank occasionally, in moderation, for a while.
And then it all crept back in. Stress, business, lots of family stuff, too much work and not enough help, worrying about the future. Moderation turned into almost a bottle of hidden vodka many nights. I rationalized that, if the drinking could help me forget the stress of the day, or make it easier to transition into time with my family (that's a loaded statement, isn't it?), it was okay to keep drinking.
I'm trying to break from that right now. My body just can't take it. I recently realized that alcohol wasn't removing the stress or anxiety, just postponing it into the next day, and magnifying the effects.
I stopped drinking on Sunday. Having lurked and read SR, I am 4 days sober. It's a start. My doctor has recommended that I cut out alcohol, and that I talk to someone about my issues and managing stress, and I'm planning to do so.
I know that it's both a challenge and a long haul. I wouldn't wish these feelings or thoughts on anyone, but in a way, I'm thankful that I'm not alone, and that SR is out there.
I will apologize in advance for what may be a somehwat (but sober) introduction.
I am a 43 year old man who has struggled with alcohol dependency, if not alcoholism, for much of the past 25 years. Although I don't really remember my first drink, I do remember when, as a freshman in college, I was feeling stress, anxiety and self doubt because a woman I really liked was hanging out with my roommate. I knew it was both wrong and dangerous to do so, but I said to myself "I can't take this. A beer, or two or three will make me feel better." Even though it was a Sunday night, and I had class the next morning, and even though I knew it could lead me down a dangerous path, I drank 2-3 beers.
Poof! Magic! The anxiety was gone. And instead of being sad, I became really funny and lighthearted.
Fortunately, through college and my 20s, I never really developed a taste for more than beer...wine did not interest me, and hard alcohol wasn't really an issue. I was a social drinker, but not out of control. But be assured that when stress, rejection or self-doubt arose, the first step (as soon as I could get away from obligations) in calming myself was alcohol. I once hiked a dozen blocks through unplowed streets after the blizzard of 93 to find the only beer distributor open in my city. And hiked back with a case that was gone in two days.
Over the years, through my 30s, beer guy evolved into wine guy and vodka guy. And then into hidden vodka guy. I drank because my boss worked me too hard and didn't appreciate me. I drank because I was fixing up a house by myself. I drank because my wife didn't understand me, because I worked hard and overcompensated and overachieved at everything (except sobriety). I drank because it was rainy. I drank because it was sunny. I knew I drank too much, but hey, never before 5:00; if there's one fortunate thing, oddly, I have never wanted to...
Much of my drinking has been alone, or sneaking additional drinks while in the company of others.
Especially in my mid-late 30s, I began drinking more in response to stress. Self-doubt. The pressure of establishing and running a small business (which despite my issues is reasonably successful after a decade). Deaths in my family. Fatherhood. No "me time." Trying to do things to take care of others....but hiding this dark secret of alcohol dependence, knowing the embarassment the truth of who I am would cause.
I dabbled in sobriety now and then. 40 days during Lent. A few weeks here and there. I had a cancer scare last year, which turned out to not be, but I got really healthy, best shape of my life, and didn't drink for 3 months. I divorced myself from alcohol, was comfortable talking about my previous dependence. Everyone was proud of me. So, my head was screwed on straight. Surely, the new me could have a drink.
So I did.
And I drank occasionally, in moderation, for a while.
And then it all crept back in. Stress, business, lots of family stuff, too much work and not enough help, worrying about the future. Moderation turned into almost a bottle of hidden vodka many nights. I rationalized that, if the drinking could help me forget the stress of the day, or make it easier to transition into time with my family (that's a loaded statement, isn't it?), it was okay to keep drinking.
I'm trying to break from that right now. My body just can't take it. I recently realized that alcohol wasn't removing the stress or anxiety, just postponing it into the next day, and magnifying the effects.
I stopped drinking on Sunday. Having lurked and read SR, I am 4 days sober. It's a start. My doctor has recommended that I cut out alcohol, and that I talk to someone about my issues and managing stress, and I'm planning to do so.
I know that it's both a challenge and a long haul. I wouldn't wish these feelings or thoughts on anyone, but in a way, I'm thankful that I'm not alone, and that SR is out there.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Tides - It's so good to have you join the family. I know you'll find the friendship and encouragement here to be invaluable. It made all the difference to me.
I can so relate to your post - I was nodding the whole way through it.
At least you saw the light in your 40's - I continued into my 50's. I found myself drinking practically round the clock - a living hell. You're so right - it doesn't help us cope at all - just makes everything worse and harder to deal with. The fun it once was is so far in the past it's pathetic. We don't need it - we never needed it. Glad you are taking action Tides.
Congratulations on your 4 days sober.
I can so relate to your post - I was nodding the whole way through it.
At least you saw the light in your 40's - I continued into my 50's. I found myself drinking practically round the clock - a living hell. You're so right - it doesn't help us cope at all - just makes everything worse and harder to deal with. The fun it once was is so far in the past it's pathetic. We don't need it - we never needed it. Glad you are taking action Tides.Congratulations on your 4 days sober.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Tides and welcome. So glad that you have already begun the trip, good going!! Lurking has never had such positive connotations as it does on this forum...There is a lot of serious stuff here, and people are struggling, but there is also kindness and laughter. I guess we are all just finding a way to love life sober, and I am very happy to report that it is possible.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA Virginia
Posts: 294
This forum has helped me so much..be a regular and it will help you too. I was the QUEEN of sneaky. My husband knew how long it took me to get home from work so I would leave 5 minutes early to go by the ABC store. I would go to the restroom while out with friends and sneak by the bar on the way back for a shot. We do crazy stuff for that poison. And for what? Pure and utter misery. It may seem to give you some relief from stress but it comes back tenfold. I have to remind myself that every day. You can do this. Stay in touch.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Wow
Your story is so similar to mine. I have a few years on you but I also descended into hell in my late 30s / early 40s. Just like you I am struggling but this time I am going to AA meetings, got a sponsor and working the steps. Still not able to stay stopped (like busting last night 
) but I refuse to give up. I know I am improving but I need to take the final step into total abstinence. One day at a time.
) but I refuse to give up. I know I am improving but I need to take the final step into total abstinence. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: U.S.
Posts: 327
Great post, Tides... I'm 46 and very much relate to your story. It helped me remember how it started for me, too. Alcohol relieved stressful anxiety and tension and then, over time, I came to understand it was creating increased anxiety and tension. And I just didn't want to feel that way, anymore.
I've read a statement that resonated: "Businesses are perfectly aligned to achieve the results they get" which I've adapted to: "I am perfectly aligned to achieve the results I get." If I keep doing things the same way (e.g. binge drink alone) then I will always get the same results. (Sleepless nights, anxiety, tension) And I no longer want those negative results. Best wishes to you, Tides. Hang in there.
I've read a statement that resonated: "Businesses are perfectly aligned to achieve the results they get" which I've adapted to: "I am perfectly aligned to achieve the results I get." If I keep doing things the same way (e.g. binge drink alone) then I will always get the same results. (Sleepless nights, anxiety, tension) And I no longer want those negative results. Best wishes to you, Tides. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: United States - Philadelphia Suburbs
Posts: 51
Thank you all for your responses and thoughts, and for sharing your experiences. As I said in my original post, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but take comfort in the fact that you understand. Much of the rest of the world (thankfully for them) doesn't understand what it's like to be wired this way.
As an aside, I'm terrified of going to the doctor - yet another opportunity for someone to see, with hard evidence, how flawed I am. Coincidentally, after some prodding, two weeks ago, I scheduled a physical for today (9/5). Despite my fears, I was honest, and it turned out not to be so scary. I don't have anything figured out yet (as evidenced my thoughts tonight that...hey, doctor visit is over and I don't have another for 2 months...I could sneak a night of drinking in, and no way will he find out!), but I'm hanging in there. Being honest and eventually talking to a psychologist are new things for me.
Thanks again and have a good night/day everyone.
As an aside, I'm terrified of going to the doctor - yet another opportunity for someone to see, with hard evidence, how flawed I am. Coincidentally, after some prodding, two weeks ago, I scheduled a physical for today (9/5). Despite my fears, I was honest, and it turned out not to be so scary. I don't have anything figured out yet (as evidenced my thoughts tonight that...hey, doctor visit is over and I don't have another for 2 months...I could sneak a night of drinking in, and no way will he find out!), but I'm hanging in there. Being honest and eventually talking to a psychologist are new things for me.
Thanks again and have a good night/day everyone.
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