An old friend with a problem reached out, now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
An old friend with a problem reached out, now what?
My wife and I have been friends with another couple since all of us started dating back in high school but my wife and his have always been much closer and we've been less close since college.
Our friends just had their first child who is now almost 6 months old but in the weeks after the birth it came out that dad had a drug/alcohol problem for several years.
I reached out to him, as I often did, when I had a meeting near where he lived not to long after I found out about the issue but he was out of town and we didn't see each other. Then, out of no where, he reached out to me a month later and said he wants to meet up and chat. I don't know his motivation, does he want to pump me for information about what his wife has been saying about the situation and to who or does he feel that I'm one of the last trusting people he can reach out to?
In talking to his wife it seems that the situation will end in divorce but that getting him help is priority number one. They are not living in the same city at the moment.
I guess I'm asking for advice on how to handle this. Can I have lunch with him, listen to what he says and then offer to take him straight to rehab? Can or should I be the one to choose where he goes? Money will not be an issue (it sure seemed to help hide serious issues!) but he just lost his job and may not have health insurance anymore...
Our friends just had their first child who is now almost 6 months old but in the weeks after the birth it came out that dad had a drug/alcohol problem for several years.
I reached out to him, as I often did, when I had a meeting near where he lived not to long after I found out about the issue but he was out of town and we didn't see each other. Then, out of no where, he reached out to me a month later and said he wants to meet up and chat. I don't know his motivation, does he want to pump me for information about what his wife has been saying about the situation and to who or does he feel that I'm one of the last trusting people he can reach out to?
In talking to his wife it seems that the situation will end in divorce but that getting him help is priority number one. They are not living in the same city at the moment.
I guess I'm asking for advice on how to handle this. Can I have lunch with him, listen to what he says and then offer to take him straight to rehab? Can or should I be the one to choose where he goes? Money will not be an issue (it sure seemed to help hide serious issues!) but he just lost his job and may not have health insurance anymore...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Welcome to SR!
I think meeting with him is fine. You have no idea what he wants until you hear him out, right?
He may not want to go straight to rehab, and he can choose his own facility if so. I'd let him be a grown man here in regards to choices. You can simply be a good friend and listen to him.
I think meeting with him is fine. You have no idea what he wants until you hear him out, right?
He may not want to go straight to rehab, and he can choose his own facility if so. I'd let him be a grown man here in regards to choices. You can simply be a good friend and listen to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome...
I can give you my thoughts as the wife of a RAH...I think meeting with him is fine. He is a friend, right? Had you not been aware of the addiction you probably would not have thought twice about getting together with him. Hear him out, and help him IF he asks you to do so. Let him know if you are willing to support him.
Should he attempt to pump you for information about his wife, you may want to respectfully decline to discuss that. Their relationship is their business, not yours, and your words and actions should have no affect on it.
It may be helpful to learn the Three C's, if you are not already aware of them...you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. This is his problem and he has to address it himself. You can be supportive, but don't take on his burden for him.
I can give you my thoughts as the wife of a RAH...I think meeting with him is fine. He is a friend, right? Had you not been aware of the addiction you probably would not have thought twice about getting together with him. Hear him out, and help him IF he asks you to do so. Let him know if you are willing to support him.
Should he attempt to pump you for information about his wife, you may want to respectfully decline to discuss that. Their relationship is their business, not yours, and your words and actions should have no affect on it.
It may be helpful to learn the Three C's, if you are not already aware of them...you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. This is his problem and he has to address it himself. You can be supportive, but don't take on his burden for him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
You cant make him go to rehab if he doesnt want to. Go have lunch, see what he says, and then comment on it. Be a good listener, that's a good place to start. Remember this is his problem, not yours, and you cant make him seek out help if he's not ready or not interested.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Having lunch is fine but make sure you have your boundaries straight and stick by them re his wife's business but also be prepared for him to try to talk you into letting in move him or loaning him money or God knows what.
If he needs a ride to rehab and someone to visit him while there then be a friend and do it
If he needs another codependent or enabler then put your foot down.
Good luck
If he needs a ride to rehab and someone to visit him while there then be a friend and do it
If he needs another codependent or enabler then put your foot down.Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
Hi everyone, thanks for the replies they have really helped my perspective in all of this.
I think the best course of action is to show up and listen to everything he has to say. I think it will be pretty evident early on whether he's ready to make the next step or not.
If he is I will come prepared. I've reached out to another close friend who is a doc at a hospital in the same city who can recommend some good facilities in the area if needed.
I'll be sure to follow up here, thanks again.
I think the best course of action is to show up and listen to everything he has to say. I think it will be pretty evident early on whether he's ready to make the next step or not.
If he is I will come prepared. I've reached out to another close friend who is a doc at a hospital in the same city who can recommend some good facilities in the area if needed.
I'll be sure to follow up here, thanks again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
Well I had the lunch and it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.
He admitted he had issues and that he has gotten help. He hasn't had a drink in a while. But I couldn't help but notice his hands were shaking the whole time. He said he was given a shot that reduces the euphoria you get from alcohol but aside from a mention of a therapist I'm not sure what other help he has received.
He made some valid points on how he thought his wife and her family have handled this poorly but I can't help but think that he's missing the point. Shouldn't he be doing everything he can to make up for all of his mistakes despite minor mistakes around him?
I told him that our conversation will be confidential and he liked that idea as anything he's told anyone has been discussed and analyzed.
Hopefully he's clean but I'm afraid the marraige is toast.
I'll be back for updates or advice. Thanks again everyone
He admitted he had issues and that he has gotten help. He hasn't had a drink in a while. But I couldn't help but notice his hands were shaking the whole time. He said he was given a shot that reduces the euphoria you get from alcohol but aside from a mention of a therapist I'm not sure what other help he has received.
He made some valid points on how he thought his wife and her family have handled this poorly but I can't help but think that he's missing the point. Shouldn't he be doing everything he can to make up for all of his mistakes despite minor mistakes around him?
I told him that our conversation will be confidential and he liked that idea as anything he's told anyone has been discussed and analyzed.
Hopefully he's clean but I'm afraid the marraige is toast.
I'll be back for updates or advice. Thanks again everyone
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He may or MAY NOT currently be sober.
I have learned not to believe a word out of an active addicts mouth.
He says that his wife and family "handled the situation poorly" sorry that is denial, shifting the blame, playing the victim, and not accepting responsibility for HIS actions.
He has a long way to go, and frankly the odds are not in his favor. The percentage of those who actually embrace recovery and find sobriety is very small.
While I believe you are being a true friend, be cautious not to get caught up in this very complicated disease. This truly is his to own, if he wants to be sober and healthy he will have to find his own way.
Until I lived with active addiction, I truly did not understand the hurt and pain that was going on behind closed doors. His marriage might be "toast", these things happen when addiction has ruled the roost. Sometimes even recovery is not enough to save the marriage. personally, I would limit contact with this guy, I would step back and allow him to address his own issues.
peace.
I have learned not to believe a word out of an active addicts mouth.
He says that his wife and family "handled the situation poorly" sorry that is denial, shifting the blame, playing the victim, and not accepting responsibility for HIS actions.
He has a long way to go, and frankly the odds are not in his favor. The percentage of those who actually embrace recovery and find sobriety is very small.
While I believe you are being a true friend, be cautious not to get caught up in this very complicated disease. This truly is his to own, if he wants to be sober and healthy he will have to find his own way.
Until I lived with active addiction, I truly did not understand the hurt and pain that was going on behind closed doors. His marriage might be "toast", these things happen when addiction has ruled the roost. Sometimes even recovery is not enough to save the marriage. personally, I would limit contact with this guy, I would step back and allow him to address his own issues.
peace.
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