Renarde

I am finishing day 4. I have to go to bed alone now, which is a huge trigger. I do not live in a safe area and have been victimized in my own home. Normally I would drink until I was too numb to feel much fear and then sleep with the lights on. I have been fine all night but the minute I turned off the TV, my fear sprang up as strong as if a person had entered the room. On top of that, in my anxious state I walked through a room in the dark and smashed my kneecap into an iron table. I feel like crying.

Dee74

I'm sorry you have to deal with that Renarde.

If moving is not an option for you have you considered a security alarm?
a roommate?
even just some night lights might help?

Would this be something you might be open to talking with a counsellor with?

D

Renarde

Thank you so much for responding Dee. Thank the heavens I AM moving soon. I don't live alone so normally i can cope. I am alone for several days now and I am just so scared of being here tonight. I have had this fear for years but didn't live in a bad area. Now we are vandalized regularly...again just days ago, and I was actually the victim of violent crime here. I now have a big dog and hopefully he would kill anyone trying to get in. It is clear to me that I drink when alone like this to be able to cope. I have an rx for Xanax but I don't want to take it. But yes. There is a fantastic light at the end of the tunnel and I cannot wait.

I'll probably have a post like this every night until I'm not alone anymore.

Renarde

And my knee hurts! I know I'm a baby but it is killing me. I have ice on it.

ZoeM

Hi Renarde. Really sorry to hear what you've been through - that must be horrendous
At least going to bed sober, IF anything were about to happen, you'd be more able to react and call the emergency services etc. Glad to hear you're moving soon - hang in there!

Renarde

Thank you so much Zoe!

I made it through sober and it was all just fine. I even slept with the lights off. I feel fantastic today. Big victory for me!

james872

When I read your post the thought "self-defense classes!" popped into mind. It's something I was just thinking about today. I did karate as a kid and felt safe and confident. It was a long time ago though, so I can't do much of it anymore. So I decided that I wanted to learn to defend myself again.

And for you it might be great too. It can make you feel a lot better in the situation you describe. Plus, it's a nice distraction from drinking.

Renarde

Thank you James!!! I'll look into that.

Another night...more anxiety and hypervigilance. I thought after getting through last night I'd be fine but I actually feel a little more scared tonight. I am tired and want to sleep but it's scary to let go.

pinkdog

Dear Renarde, I slept with the lights on for the first two weeks. Really. It will get better. Your nerves will settle down. Good job on sobriety.

Renarde

Thank you PinkDog. It feels good to know someone cares.

ChrissieB

You are doing amazing Renarde, hang in there we are behind you supporting you x

Anna

I agree that you are coping very well.

Be proud of yourself for getting through this.

And, I am so glad that you are moving soon.

pinkdog

Dear Renarde, you are welcome. People here do care. Stick around. Hugs to you.

Renarde

Wow, thank you guys SO much! I didn't see your responses until now. I can't believe I made it through so much alone time last weekend. I feel like if I can make it through that, I can do anything. I really needed your support and you were all there for me. Thank you!!!!