Two years later and I'm back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Two years later and I'm back
Please feel free to read through my old posts to get a feel of where I'm coming from. In short, my FIL is a raging alcoholic, and my wife and I moved one month after marrying to take care of him. He's been nothing but a strain and pain in our marriage and my wife still caters to his every needs. The FIL finally quit drinking but continues to plague the family.
The final straw? Never.
Even though my FIL quit drinking, his behavior, perhaps due to his brain damage from drinking has him acting more and more irrational. My wife and I finally moved far away from him which caused him "suddenly" to have more problems, now leading up to basically GIVING AWAY his $1million home to a predatory Reverse Mortgage guy.
Luckily, before her death, my MIL put a clause in her will that said the children own part of the home. So in order for the FIL to in any way sell the home, all three kids have to be in agreement with signed documents. It is my feeling that my MIL knew what a b@stard the FIL would continue to be, thus the clause. Still, the crooked broker had the FIL sign the papers yesterday.... sigh... there's so much to explain with this situation, but basically it's a huge mess and my wife is doing nothing short of taking out her frustrations on me.
My wife begs for me to talk to her but when I do, when I speak about my true feelings, it never ends well and according to her I end up being the know-it-all who has no right telling her about anything when it comes to her family, the one who thinks they're "perfect" - the one who is pretty much every cause of every ailment in this relationship.
NOT ONE of the FIL's three kids will stand up to him. Not one. My wife has just started going to AA but this doozy her father has put himself into has her not only stressed to the max, but skipping meetings.
She's coming up the stairs so I have to go but please help!
The final straw? Never.
Even though my FIL quit drinking, his behavior, perhaps due to his brain damage from drinking has him acting more and more irrational. My wife and I finally moved far away from him which caused him "suddenly" to have more problems, now leading up to basically GIVING AWAY his $1million home to a predatory Reverse Mortgage guy.
Luckily, before her death, my MIL put a clause in her will that said the children own part of the home. So in order for the FIL to in any way sell the home, all three kids have to be in agreement with signed documents. It is my feeling that my MIL knew what a b@stard the FIL would continue to be, thus the clause. Still, the crooked broker had the FIL sign the papers yesterday.... sigh... there's so much to explain with this situation, but basically it's a huge mess and my wife is doing nothing short of taking out her frustrations on me.
My wife begs for me to talk to her but when I do, when I speak about my true feelings, it never ends well and according to her I end up being the know-it-all who has no right telling her about anything when it comes to her family, the one who thinks they're "perfect" - the one who is pretty much every cause of every ailment in this relationship.
NOT ONE of the FIL's three kids will stand up to him. Not one. My wife has just started going to AA but this doozy her father has put himself into has her not only stressed to the max, but skipping meetings.
She's coming up the stairs so I have to go but please help!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Is your wife a raging alcoholic,too? When did she stop drinking or has she never been sober?
You can't work things out with an alcoholic. And sometimes you also can't work things out with an adult child of an alcoholic until that individual has gotten some insight into relationship patterns learned in the childhood home that are repeated in marriage.
My question then would be, are you anticipating some sanity and reasonableness from people who are incapable of either?
And if you have this expectation, have you considered doing some serious looking into why you have an inability to see people as they are and then make concrete choices based on that reality? If you go quickly into denying what is real, is it possible something from your childhood created that automatic response to people who are out of control and unreachable?
I'm only offering questions for you to think about, as you try to sort out what actions you are going to take to find some peace and sanity in your personal life.
Welcome back to SR. You sound pretty alone. And in pain. Have you done any serious work on codependency issues? You might read the articles in Cynical One's blog. That could be a good start.
You can't work things out with an alcoholic. And sometimes you also can't work things out with an adult child of an alcoholic until that individual has gotten some insight into relationship patterns learned in the childhood home that are repeated in marriage.
My question then would be, are you anticipating some sanity and reasonableness from people who are incapable of either?
And if you have this expectation, have you considered doing some serious looking into why you have an inability to see people as they are and then make concrete choices based on that reality? If you go quickly into denying what is real, is it possible something from your childhood created that automatic response to people who are out of control and unreachable?
I'm only offering questions for you to think about, as you try to sort out what actions you are going to take to find some peace and sanity in your personal life.
Welcome back to SR. You sound pretty alone. And in pain. Have you done any serious work on codependency issues? You might read the articles in Cynical One's blog. That could be a good start.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Alcoholism and co dependency are both diseases of denial.
You are experiencing the chaos of a very dysfunctional family.
The only way you can make any of this better for you, is to educate yourself about alcoholism and co dependency.
As EG suggested, cynical one's blog is a great place to start.
You are experiencing the chaos of a very dysfunctional family.
The only way you can make any of this better for you, is to educate yourself about alcoholism and co dependency.
As EG suggested, cynical one's blog is a great place to start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
You could try setting a boundary with your wife.. Something like you are not going to discuss HER family problems if she doesn't treat you respectfully while you are doing so.
I don't know very much about your situation but feel like you could benefit a lot from working on detachment. The next time you feel overwhelmed by the madness, could you take a step back from it and do something for yourself instead? You really can find your own peace amidst their chaos.
I don't know very much about your situation but feel like you could benefit a lot from working on detachment. The next time you feel overwhelmed by the madness, could you take a step back from it and do something for yourself instead? You really can find your own peace amidst their chaos.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear william---Sure sounds like some complex family dynamics going on there. It also sounds like both you and your wife could use getting some distance from all the enmeshment. Family problems can literally drive you crazy if you let it.
I can give you some practical advice (based on my own very personal experience). Men and women, generally, approach problems very differently. Women seem to have more of a need to ventilate the details of the relationships--and talk through all the feelings--and deconstruct exactly how the cow ate the cabbage. Men seem to want to jump to the conclusion at the bottom line. Men like to hand you the answer is a couple of sentences on a plate (this is how they visualize helping).
As a woman--I can tell you how crazy it makes me when I go to a man for help or understanding and he won't let me "talk it out", first!!!!!! Most of the time--women want to be heard more than they want a neat "answer".
Based on this, I suggest that you invite your wife to talk to you. And, you listen.....JUST LISTEN. Grunt occassionally, but don't make much comment back. Validate her feelings---"I can understand how you FEEL", etc. Don't offer a solution. Later, if she doesn't feel judged (and feels understood)......she might come and ask you for your opinion---then you can safely give it.
This may go against you male instincts, at first, but---why not give it a try.
***You should not be verbally abused. Calmly ask her to respect you if she really wants to talk to you****
I hope this can help in some way.
dandylion
I can give you some practical advice (based on my own very personal experience). Men and women, generally, approach problems very differently. Women seem to have more of a need to ventilate the details of the relationships--and talk through all the feelings--and deconstruct exactly how the cow ate the cabbage. Men seem to want to jump to the conclusion at the bottom line. Men like to hand you the answer is a couple of sentences on a plate (this is how they visualize helping).
As a woman--I can tell you how crazy it makes me when I go to a man for help or understanding and he won't let me "talk it out", first!!!!!! Most of the time--women want to be heard more than they want a neat "answer".
Based on this, I suggest that you invite your wife to talk to you. And, you listen.....JUST LISTEN. Grunt occassionally, but don't make much comment back. Validate her feelings---"I can understand how you FEEL", etc. Don't offer a solution. Later, if she doesn't feel judged (and feels understood)......she might come and ask you for your opinion---then you can safely give it.
This may go against you male instincts, at first, but---why not give it a try.
***You should not be verbally abused. Calmly ask her to respect you if she really wants to talk to you****
I hope this can help in some way.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Crazy making
are really the only words I can think to describe what it's like to fight with my wife the majority of the time. 
One small comment turns into a screaming match and I hate it. My parents were definitely abusive in other ways but never once did we raise our voices above normal argument range. With my wife I could know without a doubt something she said aloud, but it quickly turns into, "You're making sh!t up!!" And soon there's a dust cloud of talk of things not even pertaining to the conversation and before long I'm doubting not only what I heard but my entire way of thinking.
As for the FIL, at the last minute, my wife's brother and his FIL stepped up and told the Reverse Mortgage guy he broke the law many times over and they know it. The guy tore up the papers and not surprisingly, the FIL credits HIMSELF for getting HIMSELF out of a bad situation even when friends and family pleaded with him not to carry through with the deal. It's all about how great and wonderful he is and it never ends.
My wife asked if I want to go to a CoA meeting and I do, but I also feel like it will cause more problems because even now if I try to use the exercises our old therapist suggested, I get the, "Don't pull that psycho babble on me!" Maybe I go and soak everything in and come home with peace for myself. Sadly, I feel the offer is ore to get me off of her back but right now perhaps I'm just too worn down to trust that she really wants us both to heal.
Has this ever happened to you? If I point out something, anything about my wife, she turns it around on me later. I could say something completely nonsensical like, "Your shoes are purple and they're leaking!" And somewhere within the argument she will come back with, "Your shoes are red and they're leaking!" What exactly is that? I mean, is that a "thing?" It's like she can't stand one even minor thing being "wrong" with her... and 99.999% of the time its not even about who or what is actually right or wrong!
Anyway, thanks everyone for your suggestions. I will look into every single option offered. And for the record, I'm not a man. I am a woman who is married to a woman. We are human - relationships and all. Thanks again.
One small comment turns into a screaming match and I hate it. My parents were definitely abusive in other ways but never once did we raise our voices above normal argument range. With my wife I could know without a doubt something she said aloud, but it quickly turns into, "You're making sh!t up!!" And soon there's a dust cloud of talk of things not even pertaining to the conversation and before long I'm doubting not only what I heard but my entire way of thinking.
As for the FIL, at the last minute, my wife's brother and his FIL stepped up and told the Reverse Mortgage guy he broke the law many times over and they know it. The guy tore up the papers and not surprisingly, the FIL credits HIMSELF for getting HIMSELF out of a bad situation even when friends and family pleaded with him not to carry through with the deal. It's all about how great and wonderful he is and it never ends.
My wife asked if I want to go to a CoA meeting and I do, but I also feel like it will cause more problems because even now if I try to use the exercises our old therapist suggested, I get the, "Don't pull that psycho babble on me!" Maybe I go and soak everything in and come home with peace for myself. Sadly, I feel the offer is ore to get me off of her back but right now perhaps I'm just too worn down to trust that she really wants us both to heal.
Has this ever happened to you? If I point out something, anything about my wife, she turns it around on me later. I could say something completely nonsensical like, "Your shoes are purple and they're leaking!" And somewhere within the argument she will come back with, "Your shoes are red and they're leaking!" What exactly is that? I mean, is that a "thing?" It's like she can't stand one even minor thing being "wrong" with her... and 99.999% of the time its not even about who or what is actually right or wrong!
Anyway, thanks everyone for your suggestions. I will look into every single option offered. And for the record, I'm not a man. I am a woman who is married to a woman. We are human - relationships and all. Thanks again.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I could say something completely nonsensical like, "Your shoes are purple and they're leaking!" And somewhere within the argument she will come back with, "Your shoes are red and they're leaking!" What exactly is that?
In hindsight, he did this a lot. Many of our arguments were me trying to make sense out of his nonsense. Looking back, I think the bigger issue is that he wanted what he wanted and didn't want to change it but wouldn't say so, and I thought we were trying to compromise and trying to reason with someone who didn't want to be bothered with adult, human relationship stuff.
YMMV.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by williamj 
I don't think Cynical's blog exists any longer, but thank you.
william here is a link to one of the posts on cynical ones blog.
it's all there and so worth the read.
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