cha25

I guess deep in my heart I know I am doing the right thing, but I feel like I need reassurance.

I've been with a drug addict on and off for the last three years. He has broken up with me more times than I can remember and then apologized. I, stupidly, have always run back to him. I have been the frequent victim of verbal and emotional abuse, but I have stuck by J's side, remained steadfast in my belief that he's good at heart, and conferred countless reserves of time and energy on helping him with his business and his emotional troubles. Sometimes I felt I didn't have a choice but to sacrifice my needs and wants for his because I felt I couldn't handle the verbal abuse that would have occurred otherwise. I also worried he would leave me forever if I didn't do what I sensed he wanted.

J has been to Tennessee twice in the last six months to stay with his family and sober up. He came back for the second time last night, which I had felt quite apprehensive about, but I spent the night in his company anyway. As expected, he was disrespectful and condescending towards me, despite everything I've done for him. My mother hates him, and it has become a constant and intense source of tension between me and her. This morning she called me screaming that I am ruining her life and that she hopes I am happy with J.

I spent the day helping J move all his possessions from one storage unit to another, basically despising him the whole time. When I left, I sent him a text message that said we can't be involved anymore. He doesn't even care enough to send a message back, and I know he'll say I'm selfish for even craving affection or civility while he tries to pick up the pieces of his life.

I have battled depression for years, but in the past year, despite all the trouble with J, I've started to turn my life around. Some days lately, I've actually been excited to start my morning, but tonight I hate myself and my life. I am tired of dealing with an arrogant, selfish brute, but I am more scared of being alone and letting go of the familiar. Please, I could use some words of encouragement.

DecBaby

Let go. For good. It will be ok. Don't stay with him just because it's familiar. Keep working on you and you can find someone worth your time. You'll be fine.

TMZ

Yes, your doing the right thing!!! For you and most of all for him. He won't get better till he does it on his own and till he is one year clean there is no such thing as a relationship. (he's just using you)

The question you should ask, is it really love or obsession?

There is nothing to fear but fear it self. Take care of you because if your not happy or love yourself you can not give love to someone else.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board from your fellow New Englander.

Here's a question: if you had a kid sister or brother in your shoes, what advice would you give them?

If you can honestly answer that question, then you've answered your own.

Re: your depression -- sometimes making a change like the change you need to make is scary, and in the moment can hurt. But in the long term, the benefits are tremendous. And to know and understand cognitively that you can make hard decisions, and accept the consequences of those decisions will give you confidence going forward. Trust me on this.

ZoSo

allforcnm

I agree you have done the right thing. I think you summed it up when you said your tired of dealing with an arrogant and selfish brute. You don't deserve verbal or emotional abuse, being disrespected.... Its hard to let go of what is familiar even when it is not healthy. I think you will have to give yourself time to grieve the relationship and all you hoped it could be. I hope you can surround yourself with friends and family, lots of positivity.

oooopps

Wanting to be happy is your birth right. I think you know deep down that that it wont happen until you let go of your ex. You know what it's like being with him, as you've given him 3 years of your life... and as long as he is an addict, things wont change for the better. I'm sure you guys have shared good times, but the bad outweighs the good and there is just too much pain that comes with being with an addict.

Let him go, heal yourself, and find your happiness. I can assure you that happiness is not him. It comes from you but you have to give yourself a chance. When the memories of him haunts you, just quietly whisper to yourself, "I wish you the best, but I have to let you go." I find that very therapeutic and helpful in my own path of healing.

blackandblue

Never second guess your intuition. My gut knew what my mind rationalized and my heart denied. All of that love and energy you feel obliged to show him, turn inward toward yourself and watch what happens. It's amazing.

cha25

Thank you, everyone. I never expected such an outpouring of comments and kindness. I feel better after a good night's sleep, and I'm just trying to stay focused on the joy and freedom I'll experience being single.