Officially hired my attorney!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Officially hired my attorney!!
I just dropped off the check and initial paperwork with my attorney to file for divorce from my AH. I am so proud!
I am not sure how I got here exactly... Nothing about my AHs behavoir is new! But after him quitting his job, picking up the drinking, and then verbally assaulting me when I tried to discuss finances (after he overdrafted our account), I contacted the attorney. Originally I wanted to discuss 'options' to get 'clarity' lol. Well sitting in her office, saying out loud in impersonal terms I got a heaping pile of clarity! I am married to an unemployed active A who is sucking my accounts dry and trying to take me down with him! He is verbally, emotionally, financially, and occasionally physically, abusive. And I am staying because????
The attorney lays out options and tells me to have an honest conversation with my H telling him I want a divorce. This is I suppose at my urging because I was thinking we might be able to stay out of court if he'll collaborate. In retrospect the chances of him collaborating on anything is about as likely as hell freezing over.
Anyways, I was waiting for a time to discuss (hard between him being drunk, sober and angry, or my daughter being around). He can feel the shift in me and he starts antagonizing me, then picking fights, and eventually outright insulting me. So, I decided to rip the bandaid off and be honest. Tell him 'I'm serious about pursuing divorce and am ready. If you can agree to participate we can stay out of court and save a lot of $ and heartache and time.'
So he starts in on me. He calls me names, and starts swearing. A few months ago I would have taken the bait. This time I was able to see what it was. An attempt to divert from the topic and keep me dancing with him. And I told him to leave. For once he must have known I was serious!
He has been texting me all night. Abuse and hate. Then apologies and explanations. Then questions and bait to attempt convo. In his anger he left his car keys and house keys and went to his sisters. So he can't come bother me, he can't start crap, and he can't blame me for keeping him from his daughter.
I did it. I am letting go of my fantasy and expectation of what 'could be' and facing what is. I have a wedding photo of me and my H on my desk at work. Looking at it I realize that in 4 years he doesn't even look like that man, let alone act like him. It's hard to accept that even tho I followed the recipe and baked the cake I'm not gonna get to eat it! Today is a the first day of my new life.
I am not sure how I got here exactly... Nothing about my AHs behavoir is new! But after him quitting his job, picking up the drinking, and then verbally assaulting me when I tried to discuss finances (after he overdrafted our account), I contacted the attorney. Originally I wanted to discuss 'options' to get 'clarity' lol. Well sitting in her office, saying out loud in impersonal terms I got a heaping pile of clarity! I am married to an unemployed active A who is sucking my accounts dry and trying to take me down with him! He is verbally, emotionally, financially, and occasionally physically, abusive. And I am staying because????
The attorney lays out options and tells me to have an honest conversation with my H telling him I want a divorce. This is I suppose at my urging because I was thinking we might be able to stay out of court if he'll collaborate. In retrospect the chances of him collaborating on anything is about as likely as hell freezing over.
Anyways, I was waiting for a time to discuss (hard between him being drunk, sober and angry, or my daughter being around). He can feel the shift in me and he starts antagonizing me, then picking fights, and eventually outright insulting me. So, I decided to rip the bandaid off and be honest. Tell him 'I'm serious about pursuing divorce and am ready. If you can agree to participate we can stay out of court and save a lot of $ and heartache and time.'
So he starts in on me. He calls me names, and starts swearing. A few months ago I would have taken the bait. This time I was able to see what it was. An attempt to divert from the topic and keep me dancing with him. And I told him to leave. For once he must have known I was serious!
He has been texting me all night. Abuse and hate. Then apologies and explanations. Then questions and bait to attempt convo. In his anger he left his car keys and house keys and went to his sisters. So he can't come bother me, he can't start crap, and he can't blame me for keeping him from his daughter.
I did it. I am letting go of my fantasy and expectation of what 'could be' and facing what is. I have a wedding photo of me and my H on my desk at work. Looking at it I realize that in 4 years he doesn't even look like that man, let alone act like him. It's hard to accept that even tho I followed the recipe and baked the cake I'm not gonna get to eat it! Today is a the first day of my new life.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Wow congrats! I have to admit I remember that moment of clarity in front of the lawyer myself. Be prepared for the flight or flight crap to really kick in. Might be smart to circle the financial wagons so to speak. If there are joint accounts he has access to, yada yada..
You sound smart, I'm sure you'll be just fine when all the dust settles.
You sound smart, I'm sure you'll be just fine when all the dust settles.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Congratulations! I'm glad you have been able to step away from your AH's nasty words and manipulations and to see them for what they are. Its so wonderful to hear you say this is the first day of your new life! Great for you!
XABF looks so different now to the man I got together with because of the drinking too. Its very sad to see someone you love deteriorate like that.
Now you get to make your future whatever you want it to be! Exciting!
XABF looks so different now to the man I got together with because of the drinking too. Its very sad to see someone you love deteriorate like that.
Now you get to make your future whatever you want it to be! Exciting!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by Jazzman 
Wow congrats! I have to admit I remember that moment of clarity in front of the lawyer myself. Be prepared for the flight or flight crap to really kick in. Might be smart to circle the financial wagons so to speak. If there are joint accounts he has access to, yada yada..
You sound smart, I'm sure you'll be just fine when all the dust settles.
You sound smart, I'm sure you'll be just fine when all the dust settles.
lol. The lawyer summed it up nicely: things r messy and out of control but there is an end in site. My AH has been escalating his texts to involve our daughter (where is she? Who have you left my child with today? u tjink anybody would give you custody? ur the worst mother in the workd.....) even tho he refused to watch her. It's really scary. I want very much to take the high road but I feel like I need to gear up for battle. Sigh. It is what it is. The cards will fall where they may.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Do you have anyone close to you who is standing by you through all of this? You sound like you have a hold on the situation and your lawyer was right that the end is in site. Take good care of you and your daughter. I'll be praying for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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My friends, family, coworkers, (sometimes practically strangers) have been rallying to support me. Kind words, a cup of coffee, and lots of ppl willing to listen are everywhere now that I am accepting their help.
I'm still struggling tho. My attorney just called and gave me her blessing to stop contributing to joint accounts/remove my name ect. But I'm scared. It doesn't sit right with me to cut my AH off financially, serve him divorce papers and nail him to the wall. She says then he can come back for maintenance if he lawyers up but that 'it doesn't sound like he's gonna go the route and we can hope he'll get his act together.' This SUCKS. I feel like I am cutting off my right arm. Is this a Codie thing? I just don't want to be one more sleazy jerk who plays hard and dirty during a divorce!
I'm still struggling tho. My attorney just called and gave me her blessing to stop contributing to joint accounts/remove my name ect. But I'm scared. It doesn't sit right with me to cut my AH off financially, serve him divorce papers and nail him to the wall. She says then he can come back for maintenance if he lawyers up but that 'it doesn't sound like he's gonna go the route and we can hope he'll get his act together.' This SUCKS. I feel like I am cutting off my right arm. Is this a Codie thing? I just don't want to be one more sleazy jerk who plays hard and dirty during a divorce!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
One big challenge during my divorce to M was to keep my lawyer in check. She was a pit bull on crack and I wanted to be a nice guy. It was a balancing act to keep the progress going and not push too hard just for the sake of pushing.
The problem is there's no such thing as a friendly divorce. Amicable sure, but not with an active A threatened with having the rug pulled out from under their nice cozy addiction friendly lifestyle.
Let me ask you this, if he had the chance to empty out the joint checking account with a divorce looming, would he?
You're not nailing him to the wall, he did that to himself. You're protecting your ability to care for yourself and your daughter like any responsible adult/parent would.
The problem is there's no such thing as a friendly divorce. Amicable sure, but not with an active A threatened with having the rug pulled out from under their nice cozy addiction friendly lifestyle.
Let me ask you this, if he had the chance to empty out the joint checking account with a divorce looming, would he?
You're not nailing him to the wall, he did that to himself. You're protecting your ability to care for yourself and your daughter like any responsible adult/parent would.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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The how much and how hard and when to push is scary. It's the complete opposite of my Codie ways! There is nobody else to fall back on. I just have to asses and decide! And no doubt AH is gonna be mad. I'm rocking the boat!
You guys r so right. In the best circumstances divorce is still divorce with crappy feelings included. Combining that with alcoholism and the chaos and hurt is amplified. I'm just trying to not have expectations about how AH will act. It's really hard to decide 'what he would do' because I have no idea!! For now I'm going to stop supporting him and file the papers. The rest will unfold in time I think.
You guys r so right. In the best circumstances divorce is still divorce with crappy feelings included. Combining that with alcoholism and the chaos and hurt is amplified. I'm just trying to not have expectations about how AH will act. It's really hard to decide 'what he would do' because I have no idea!! For now I'm going to stop supporting him and file the papers. The rest will unfold in time I think.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Yes, this is a codie thing.
I finally realized that if I could have a "good" divorce, I could have had a "good" marriage and wouldn't have needed to get divorce.
Take care of you and your kids. Be aware of when you are thinking about the actions you want and need to take through the lens of what he will think about those actions.
You need to think for yourself and act on behalf of you and your kids. Period.
ShootingStar1
I finally realized that if I could have a "good" divorce, I could have had a "good" marriage and wouldn't have needed to get divorce.
Take care of you and your kids. Be aware of when you are thinking about the actions you want and need to take through the lens of what he will think about those actions.
You need to think for yourself and act on behalf of you and your kids. Period.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
ShootingStar your advice is so spot on! Been thinking about it all day! How many hours of my life have I spent agonizing and stuck wondering how my AH will view things. Do I spend as much time thinking about what I want/feel about my choices and actions. WTH?!? I need to change perspective and put MY LENSE back on. Profound. That's some life changing stuff right there!! Thanx
Today has been really challenging. My AH has shifted manipulations from abuse to kindness/softening me up. Very challenging to ride it out. He's all full of kind and considerate texts about childcare for the next week, should he bring groceries. I was feeling pretty intense so I stepped away from my phone for a bit. Come back to multiple texts about how 'rude' and 'hurtful' it is that I haven't been responding to him! Gotta remember its not kindness because he cares. It's kindness to get a response.
I'm dreading him being served. He is still thinking I am bluffing. I think the rage will be back and in full swing when the papers come. Sigh. I can tell my toddler is feeling the stress. Keeps asking 'is my mommy happy today?' Gotta ride this out because I DO NOT want this kind if crap around her long term. One foot in front of the other.
Today has been really challenging. My AH has shifted manipulations from abuse to kindness/softening me up. Very challenging to ride it out. He's all full of kind and considerate texts about childcare for the next week, should he bring groceries. I was feeling pretty intense so I stepped away from my phone for a bit. Come back to multiple texts about how 'rude' and 'hurtful' it is that I haven't been responding to him! Gotta remember its not kindness because he cares. It's kindness to get a response.
I'm dreading him being served. He is still thinking I am bluffing. I think the rage will be back and in full swing when the papers come. Sigh. I can tell my toddler is feeling the stress. Keeps asking 'is my mommy happy today?' Gotta ride this out because I DO NOT want this kind if crap around her long term. One foot in front of the other.
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