He's back
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
He's back
He stayed in his car one whole night. He hasn't drank in 8 or 9 days, in front of me anyways. He very well could be doing it behind my back but he doesn't act like it. I hope he really sticks to it and with all the chaos that's been going on he very well might if he really isn't drinking. I'm not holding my breath.
He is trying to just step back in the relationship like nothing changed. It really makes me angry. He wants attention and comfort he said and all I feel like saying is F you, you had all that and threw it the hell away. Why should I care now. He says but I've changed. So freaking what, so I have and I don't feel that need for comfort from him. I don't feel safe and happy when I hug him, its just makes me feel rage. I still want out even if he is done drinking. I need space, I need time, I want to heal and be happy. Yet I cant let go of the co dependency even to tell him that and stand my ground. I feel guilt at the thought of destroying his life. I logically know it isn't my fault, not my burden but I still feel like it is no matter how much I tell myself it isn't. I want to disappear, my anxiety is through the roof. I almost wish he was still drinking, at least then he left me alone until he got angry.
He is trying to just step back in the relationship like nothing changed. It really makes me angry. He wants attention and comfort he said and all I feel like saying is F you, you had all that and threw it the hell away. Why should I care now. He says but I've changed. So freaking what, so I have and I don't feel that need for comfort from him. I don't feel safe and happy when I hug him, its just makes me feel rage. I still want out even if he is done drinking. I need space, I need time, I want to heal and be happy. Yet I cant let go of the co dependency even to tell him that and stand my ground. I feel guilt at the thought of destroying his life. I logically know it isn't my fault, not my burden but I still feel like it is no matter how much I tell myself it isn't. I want to disappear, my anxiety is through the roof. I almost wish he was still drinking, at least then he left me alone until he got angry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You can choose to go no contact with him. It really does wonder at reducing anxiety and anger.
With all due respect, it seems very arrogant to assume you will destroy his life by breaking up with him. I say this with kindness, because I know its common in codependency to feel "guilt" at hurting others. Thing is - this is your issue. He will be fine, after his hemming and hawing ends. He's a grown man; he took care of himself before this relationship and he will do it again after, even if its not in a healthy manner.
You have every right to end a toxic relationship.
I need space, I need time, I want to heal and be happy. Yet I cant let go of the co dependency even to tell him that and stand my ground. I feel guilt at the thought of destroying his life.
You have every right to end a toxic relationship.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SadConfused, at least you know about co-dependency and recognize that you may be so inclined. It takes time and some self-work and self-care to adopt a new way of being. Be patient with yourself on this front.
You know what you are doing and what your goal is---that is a big part of the battle, right there.
Short-term pain for long-term gain!!!!
You are going to make it, just fine.
dandylion
You know what you are doing and what your goal is---that is a big part of the battle, right there.
Short-term pain for long-term gain!!!!
You are going to make it, just fine.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
The only way through something is through it. Sometimes we have to push past our fears and just do it. You arent going to "destroy" his life, he's already doing that all by himself. You need to focus on YOUR needs and YOUR life. If you want space and time, then you have to set that boundary. Go No contact for awhile and give yourself the space you need.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
I havent really thought about it but I guess it does sound very arrogant on my part to say it will destroy his life but I only say that cause he put it that way to me. Logically I know he will make it through us not being together and if he is really serious about staying sober he will with or with out me.
The only thing that holds me back from saying whatever is he has no where to go and he wont stay here until he can afford his on place. This is 100% manipulation on his part, I know that but I cant get past that guilt! so freaking frustrating. I need to learn to hang on to the anger, the pain he has caused me, and the damage he has done to me emotionally and physically so that I dont feel that guilt and fear. Im not good with change so that is a big part of it too. I told him I cant forgive him right now, I cant trust him and its completely unfair to assume he can just bounce back in and get the world after a yr and a half of constant drinking, on and off again physical abuse and more emotional abuse than I will ever know how to get over. And thats just the worst of it, his drinking has been going on for 6 yrs. I was the one left with nothing, taking care of our baby alone even though he was physically here. I felt like a single mother, he might as well just walked away, it wouldve felt no different. He just doesnt get it, even sober he cant understand the damage he has done and he expects it to all just go away and for me to go back to playing pretend. I was finally happy! I had finally given up enough to move on and stop caring that he didnt care and he wants to suck me right back in. Im not letting him do it, its not fair. You all are completely right, HE destroyed his life. Its not my fault he waited too long to see that and now he is dealing with the consequences.
I can say all of this now, I feel like I could scream it all right in his face but then when he is there and I have the chance, I crumble like a little girl . The fear and anxiety when I have to deal with him is just too much. I cant muster the courage to say what I feel out of fear of his reaction. He claims he only ever put his hands on me cause he was drunk and now that he isnt he would never do it again but I never thought he wouldve done it in the first place so how am I to believe that the day wont come when he does it even sober. Why should I believe him, he has told me time and time again he is sorry and he will change and never anything, just a bunch of bs and empty disappointing promises. He has only "changed" because it came out that I did cheat on him. He didnt want me all this time, he wouldnt change, he wouldnt even try until his jealously kicked in. Toxic relationship indeed, on both ends. I have done a world of wrong as well but the truth is Im not a bit sorry, I would do it all again. Its the only thing that got me through his abuse. It made me feel like a person again, like I had an identity, I was someone again and someone that was worth something to another person.
Sorry, I am rambling. My head is spinning and my emotions are on a roller coaster ride. Thank you all for listening and caring. Its hard to believe I am in this mess but honestly my head feels like its in a way better spot than it was a few months ago. I know more, I can explain and understand my own feelings better, I can see through most of his non sense. I am slowly getting stronger, braver, and hopefully soon with some more time I will only get even better. I really think no contact would be amazing, I feel so strong and capable when he isnt around. We have a 3 yr old though so complete and utter no contact would be almost impossible. Its hard to not feel guilt when the person is sitting right in front of you pouting and threatening like a enraged child, Its hard to not feel that fear and cave. I thought I had done it but of course he came right back at me even after I told him time and time again that I had made my decision. Its all my own fault, I let him manipulate and control me. I need to be better, I need to remember he doesnt own me and he cant do a damn thing about any decision I make other than accept it. Sorry /end rant.
The only thing that holds me back from saying whatever is he has no where to go and he wont stay here until he can afford his on place. This is 100% manipulation on his part, I know that but I cant get past that guilt! so freaking frustrating. I need to learn to hang on to the anger, the pain he has caused me, and the damage he has done to me emotionally and physically so that I dont feel that guilt and fear. Im not good with change so that is a big part of it too. I told him I cant forgive him right now, I cant trust him and its completely unfair to assume he can just bounce back in and get the world after a yr and a half of constant drinking, on and off again physical abuse and more emotional abuse than I will ever know how to get over. And thats just the worst of it, his drinking has been going on for 6 yrs. I was the one left with nothing, taking care of our baby alone even though he was physically here. I felt like a single mother, he might as well just walked away, it wouldve felt no different. He just doesnt get it, even sober he cant understand the damage he has done and he expects it to all just go away and for me to go back to playing pretend. I was finally happy! I had finally given up enough to move on and stop caring that he didnt care and he wants to suck me right back in. Im not letting him do it, its not fair. You all are completely right, HE destroyed his life. Its not my fault he waited too long to see that and now he is dealing with the consequences.
I can say all of this now, I feel like I could scream it all right in his face but then when he is there and I have the chance, I crumble like a little girl . The fear and anxiety when I have to deal with him is just too much. I cant muster the courage to say what I feel out of fear of his reaction. He claims he only ever put his hands on me cause he was drunk and now that he isnt he would never do it again but I never thought he wouldve done it in the first place so how am I to believe that the day wont come when he does it even sober. Why should I believe him, he has told me time and time again he is sorry and he will change and never anything, just a bunch of bs and empty disappointing promises. He has only "changed" because it came out that I did cheat on him. He didnt want me all this time, he wouldnt change, he wouldnt even try until his jealously kicked in. Toxic relationship indeed, on both ends. I have done a world of wrong as well but the truth is Im not a bit sorry, I would do it all again. Its the only thing that got me through his abuse. It made me feel like a person again, like I had an identity, I was someone again and someone that was worth something to another person.
Sorry, I am rambling. My head is spinning and my emotions are on a roller coaster ride. Thank you all for listening and caring. Its hard to believe I am in this mess but honestly my head feels like its in a way better spot than it was a few months ago. I know more, I can explain and understand my own feelings better, I can see through most of his non sense. I am slowly getting stronger, braver, and hopefully soon with some more time I will only get even better. I really think no contact would be amazing, I feel so strong and capable when he isnt around. We have a 3 yr old though so complete and utter no contact would be almost impossible. Its hard to not feel guilt when the person is sitting right in front of you pouting and threatening like a enraged child, Its hard to not feel that fear and cave. I thought I had done it but of course he came right back at me even after I told him time and time again that I had made my decision. Its all my own fault, I let him manipulate and control me. I need to be better, I need to remember he doesnt own me and he cant do a damn thing about any decision I make other than accept it. Sorry /end rant.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
SadConfused, English Garden wrote an eloquent description of what it is like to be abused, and I think you fit just about every part of it. It is a sticky at the top of the Friends and Families thread index page "What is Abuse" and well worth reading.
I was also abused, emotionally, and badly, and English Garden and others here pointed out the depth of the abuse against me when I just couldn't really take it in and believe it happened to me. I posted my story on the above thread.
At this stage of the game, you don't have to FEEL free and unconflicted; that came for me after more and more time out of the abusive hostile living situation. All you have to do now is listen to your head, and keep taking the next right step to get you and your child out of his control and abuse.
And, more power to you, you are doing this with vigor and commitment, despite the emotional ambivalence that we all feel when we try to get out of a bad situation that has entrapped and consumed us.
It might help to read about Stockholm syndrome. The term came from a group of hostages in Stockholm a number of years ago. They were terrorized by their captors, but in between the terrorizing episodes, the captors would care for them, and the hostages bonded to the captors as being their road out of hell, if only they, the hostages, could behave well enough to please their terrorists. They were totally subordinated emotionally to their captors, and some, when rescued, even testified FOR their captors who had terrorized them.
This sounds like what your husband did to you. It certainly was what my XAH did to me, and it took reading a lot of very pointed and tough posts from my friends here on SR for me to fully comprehend the depth of loss of my own will and ability to act on my own behalf. Now, divorced, over a year later, I am free and so much happier.
Anyway, we're all cheering you on, so come here when you a moment of comfort or courage and be proud of yourself!
ShootingStar1
I was also abused, emotionally, and badly, and English Garden and others here pointed out the depth of the abuse against me when I just couldn't really take it in and believe it happened to me. I posted my story on the above thread.
At this stage of the game, you don't have to FEEL free and unconflicted; that came for me after more and more time out of the abusive hostile living situation. All you have to do now is listen to your head, and keep taking the next right step to get you and your child out of his control and abuse.
And, more power to you, you are doing this with vigor and commitment, despite the emotional ambivalence that we all feel when we try to get out of a bad situation that has entrapped and consumed us.
It might help to read about Stockholm syndrome. The term came from a group of hostages in Stockholm a number of years ago. They were terrorized by their captors, but in between the terrorizing episodes, the captors would care for them, and the hostages bonded to the captors as being their road out of hell, if only they, the hostages, could behave well enough to please their terrorists. They were totally subordinated emotionally to their captors, and some, when rescued, even testified FOR their captors who had terrorized them.
This sounds like what your husband did to you. It certainly was what my XAH did to me, and it took reading a lot of very pointed and tough posts from my friends here on SR for me to fully comprehend the depth of loss of my own will and ability to act on my own behalf. Now, divorced, over a year later, I am free and so much happier.
Anyway, we're all cheering you on, so come here when you a moment of comfort or courage and be proud of yourself!
ShootingStar1
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