Beutifuldisastr

I've been together with my alcoholic husband 8 years, married 2. We have always had a long distance relationship until we were married. We married and moved away from friends and family for his work. While away he became depressed and seemed to consume more and more alcohol. He started sneaking and I found out, I went to extremes such as checking bank accounts, bought and used a breathalyzer on him, basically had no life of my own. He finally realized he had a problem and went to AA. This was not enough. In April this year he went to a 3 wk inpatient rehab but they day he got out drank. Since then he had continued to drink. He was fired from his job in May for drinking on the job. Since then I left him and separated. He has now gotten 2 DUI's (less than a month apart) but now says he is doing an intense out patient program. I told him he needs to do this for himself not me and realize I'm not the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
My question is- do I give him one last chance? Do I believe he is actually going to get it this time? I love him so much- well I love the man I fell in love with so many years ago and am scared if I divorce that man may come back and it's too late. Any advise would help. We do not have children so there is not issue there. There was also no physical abuse just verbal abuse, manipulation and emotional blackmail-typical alcoholic talk.
Thank you all!

Beutifuldisastr

Really no has advise?! I see people have read this...

Leahmarie9

I'm going through a same situation except his is heroin and I've told myself this is his LAST and final chance.
It's going to be hard not snooping to check on him
It's going to be hard not wanting to breathalyzer and believe in him!
Offer support but not so much support that it overwhelms and and outs your life to a hault. Don't visit I know you'll miss him.
Don't fall for the coming home early I'm a better man this time.
Essentially I've learned NOT caring is the best way to show you truly care. Letting him do it ALONE is what he needs. After all you didn't hold the bottle in his mouth and command him to drink. Take care of yourself extra this time. Make use if this precious time to find you again! Get your hair done contact old friends you may have put on hold to help him, go for long walks weathers getting nicer! Make a journal of everything you love about you! Stay positive and set yourself a goal and remind yourself on those tough days! Promise yourself I'm worth the world and I deserve it divorce or no divorce and I WILL get it!

I wish you both the best of luck and I promise there will be happiness for you!

Hammer

Patience is generally recognized as a virtue.

Beutifuldisastr

Leahmarie- thank you so much. And for your kind words also. It's just so hard not knowing the future and I am impatient in a way because I feel all I am ever doing is waiting, waiting for him to be sober, waiting for him to mess up. I know only time will tell. Again thank you!! And I wish you well also, I'm here for support!

Dublin

Hi there, sorry you are going through this, there are lots of people who have been through similar on here and I know they will be along shortly with great wisdom for you. I am with my partner a number of years and he is 6mnths sober and we are both struggling with recovery. I only know what I learnt here and in al anon and I can share that with you, you may have heard it all before. The three c's was the first thing I learnt you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. We are powerless over alcohol, his recovery is his recovery and you are right he has to want it for him and work on it for him. There are no guarantees no one can tell you how this will play out but you can get recovery for yourself for the hurt you have felt and feel now. Do you go to alanon? I find the support there is great and attending meetings helps me sort my thinking out. I think something I heard at meetings and here and in counselling helped me 'no decision has to be taken now' your question re one last chance, does that need a timeline, is he in recovery is he really working a programme? Are you in recovery do you need a programme to help you, maybe in time more will be revealed in the meantime take time to decide what you need, what you want. Do you have healing that you need to do for youself? How can you do that? You mentioned a move away from friends and family, I think isolation in relation to alcolholism is a big factor, do you need time to build up a support system of friends for yourself and again maybe alanon can help. As I say there are many wise and wonderful people here who I'm sure will be along shortly. Mind yourself be good to yourself and wishing you happiness.

Seren

Hello Beutifuldisastr, Welcome to SR!

I apologize if you felt neglected. You must understand, the weekends around here are a bit more quiet. There is less activity and fewer posts in general because folks are off spending time with their families, running errands, doing laundry, what have you.

I am sorry to hear about all that you have been through with your husband. I think separating was a smart decision at that time.

What the future holds None of us can tell you that. If your husband is indeed in recovery, and remember you just have his word in a phone conversation, he is in early recovery. Perhaps not the best time to plan a reconciliation.

I think most folks here would recommend at least one year of good solid recovery before considering re-entering the relationship. This might be a good time for both of you to work on yourselves--to become happy with who you are as individuals before setting out again together.

Welcome, again! I'm glad you found us, although I am very sorry for the reasons why.

Leahmarie9

Oh I know the feeling always waiting for the left shoe to drop! But after you realize this "problem/addiction" isn't in your hands you'll feel amazing. Sometimes alone time with yourself really makes a difference!!!

LexieCat

Why do you need to decide right now? Haven't you heard these promises before?

My suggestion is that you get busy on your OWN recovery in Al-Anon and take your time. See what happens. You're already separated. I wouldn't be in a rush to reunite--in fact, I think I'd want to see at least a year of sobriety before considering moving back in with him. That would give you both a chance to get on solid ground.

Welcome, glad you're here.

Beutifuldisastr

Thank you both! And you're right I need to be patient I'm sure others will respond. We actually moved back to WA but are living on opposite sides. He has a few friends near him now and I as well but did leave a wonderful support system in another state. I only left because we were going to live together but then I got his 1st DUI and I just couldn't do it. And you're right "a decision doesn't need to be made today'. I'm just concerned with his legal issues and bills. I don't want to get screwed over. I now have legal separation papers-6months long and divorce papers 3 months then its finalized; both sets are signed by him. I'm trying to decide which to send in. I and other have mentioned to him divorce papers are just paper you can always get remarried and sign new papers but he says once they are filed and finalized there is no going back, ever. Which could be a manipulation tactic but does worry me.
I love him-the old him and hope he can get back to that in a way. But I'm also so hurt. I know I should attended alnon, I have not yet. But I'm also terrified to be alone and start all over. I feel like a failure. And he tells me "you'll never find someone who loves and cares about you like me". I'm just so torn...

Seren

*sigh* When my philandering ex-husband (who was verbally abusive during the affair) was divorcing me, then changed his mind, then made counseling appointments to which he never showed......well, he said the same thing to me. "No one will ever love you like I do!"

To which I responded "Good Lord, I hope not!"

Dublin

I can highly recommend alanon it is a great support to me. It is great to regularly go into a room of people who know where you are at and understand.
I know its hard (I haven't managed to leave yet and many times I know I should have so you are stronger than me in that) but you cannot let his decisions and actions dictate yours. Send in the papers that best serve YOUR needs. You probably already know that you cannot trust his words only his actions so don't allow his words or threats to take hold of you. I hear you on the hurt, anger, fear and impatience these are familiar to me and most if not all of us here but we can choose how we react or respond to these. Again alanon has helped me in relation to the hurt and anger and fear and I am just now starting to make decisions based on other things. I still feel the hurt and anger and fear but they no longer have control of my actions. It took me a long time to get here and I'm glad I held off on some decisions until I was in a healthier place. My aim is to have serenity. I see people in my alanon meetings that have it, I hear people on here that have it and I now have glimpses of it in my own life. That took time and work and patience which is not my strong point, but it is worth it. I have hope now that I will attain serenity I have no idea if that will include me still being in this relationship or having moved on but I trust in time more will be revealed to me and at that time I'll make the right choice for me. Don't know if any of that helps but I do hear you and understand where you are coming from. best wishes.

Kat60

This is exactly how he wants you to feel. He is manipulating you. Plain and simple.

You have a plan, I think you should stick to it. No need to decide now which option to choose, but DON'T let him make you feel like a failure!! Seems to me his "fail" is kinda what's causing all this angst, don't ya think??

You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself. Try an Al-Anon meeting~you'll learn some great stuff there, as well as here on SR!! I sure have!!!

Sasha4

I am from the other side of the forum so I am probably not the best to comment, but I have problems with this sentence.

So he's okay because he did not hit you or hurt you physically, he just said cruel things to you, made you miserable, made you unsure, called you names?

It sounds like you are justifying his behaviour.
Are you not worth much more than behaviour like that?

Tell me if I was you adult daughter or friend and I said 'he calls me names, he blackmails me, he manipulates me. But he has never hit me'.

What would your advice to me be?

'Well thats all okay then? He is the man for you'.

I am really glad you found us and you will 'meet' the wisest, most experienced people here than anywhere I know. Just be prepared that their answers and advice might not always be what you want to here.

I wish you the best xxxx

Beutifuldisastr

Hydrogirl- thank you, that made me smile!
Dublin and Kat- thank you both also. I do need to take this time for myself and work on me. I'm going to look into Alanon here and private counseling for myself. I know no one can tell me which path to choose, just wish I could see into the future; like I'm sure we all wish! Thank you for your support and well wishes! I wish the best for you all also!

Beutifuldisastr

I guess one last thing... Do you know any real success stories? Is there any hope of a real life of sobriety?

Beutifuldisastr

Sasha- I agree it's not okay for him to do those things. And it took me almost 2 years to realize that. I finally learned that when I did 3 days inpatient family counseling. It gave me courage to put my foot down and give him 'tough love'. But hasn't helped or made the decision to stay (legal separation) or go (divorce).
And I am willing to hear all people's advice/opinions, whether I agree or not. I need all I can get by whoever is willing to help and listen

Seren

Many of the stories you read here are similar to yours--people at a crossroad or people in crisis. There is always hope. You may not read many of those stories here, because folks living good, solid recovery tend to be out living their lives.

Sasha4

Could I lend you my favourite SR phrase please?

It reminds me that I don't have to decide all at once, or make everything good, or call it a day and draw a final line under everything. It is okay to wait and see what happens and see how things might turn out.

'Everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not the end'.

Still wishing you the best xxxx

LexieCat

My first husband (we're now divorced but still good friends) has been sober over 33 years. I've been sober almost five years. So yeah, it's possible.

OTOH, my second husband almost died from drinking, and after a couple of months went back to it, and so far as I know he is still drinking himself to death. Many, many stories like that one, but quite a few like mine.

No telling, it all depends on how bad he wants it and what he is willing to do to get there.