lrntolive

Day 7.
I am not sleeping great and my legs have a burning pain that drives me nuts and mild on/off sweating but I do feel so much better.

I honestly didn't think I would make it through Day 3-4 and Day 5 I felt AMAZING - I went to work and sold 2 ads. I cleaned up my house. I took my dog for a walk. I thought the worst is over!!!

I am not craving the drug. Although going out and getting drunk sounds appealing. Or calling my ex sounds even better. Add those two together and that would be a perfect day today. And once we have a few drinks. I know we will find some party favors to have even more fun. Hmmm. That is what I want to do.
That is the only thing I would move off my couch for.
WHY? Another destructive thing is all I crave or want? What the hell is wrong with me??

I am bored. I have no energy. I have no interest in doing the things that 2 weeks ago I was so excited to do. I was taking large quantities of Percs 2 weekends ago and I was so excited to paint my bdrm and redecorate. I spent all day selecting and buying paint and getting ready to start this weekend. And now - ZERO INTEREST. It actually sounds like torture. All that work lol.

I also bought everything to make this amazing dessert and was so excited to make it but never had time. that also sounds like torture.

So these interests that I have while on the pills - are they really my interests or is it just the drug? How can I be so excited about something 2 weeks ago and now feel like it would be torture not fun.

AND when taking the pills 2 weeks ago, I had NO interest in going out drinking or seeing my ex. but now that is all I want.

I am scared that I am never going to get better. so why try?

Maybe I am destined to be a **** up and crave things that are bad for me.

DecBaby

I only did housework when I high. The higher I got the more projects I got into. It's normal to feel like you are IMO. The interests come back when soberly you find out who you really are. You probably want your ex and alcohol as another escape.

lrntolive

Thanks for your input decbaby

I just don't know where to start in learning who I am clean. When I was clean for 2 years I wasn't any closer than I am today. I'm not doing something right but what? Should I force myself to paint my room? Should I test and let my body heal? I forgot how to laugh and smile and live clean. I don't want to go back to how NY recovery was before I relapsed. I want long and lasting change.

fancyfee

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Congratulations on day 7! You don't really want to drink or call your ex. Imagine the hangover and regret. Ugh I hate that self loathing that comes after we know we made a mistake. Take a car ride, go get some ice cream, or sit outside and listen to the birds.

Didn't you post that you were going to try ADs?

I'm struggling a bit still with energy and motivation. I know exercising would really help.

lrntolive

Thank you! 7 days! Seems like forever and just yesterday all in one.
I did get a prescription for prozac but I haven't taken it yet. I am just not sure if it the right thing to do. It says a side effect is sweating and I'm already doing enough of that. Maybe I should give it a try. Everything scares me right now.
I have all these great ideas of joining a gym and taking yoga and I just continue to think abbout it. Lazy ass that I am lol.

fancyfee

Side effects from pain pills are pretty bad too. Did you know they state that they may become habit forming ;-)

I'm not saying Prozac is the way to go but it might help?

lrntolive

I know I need it but don't know why I'm so resistant to a AD but have no problem taking a handful if pain pills every 2 hours. Makes no sense.
I did make an appt with a drug counselor and see her next week so I'll see if she thinks that's the best one for me based on my history.

Good luck with getting some exercise. When I quit 2 years ago, I had to go to physical therapy for my neck and back and the exercise that I got there kept me going. I know it works but I sit on the couch and complain.
I'm getting up now. I'm taking a shower and taking my dog for a walk! Enough feeling sorry for myself.

Dee74

in all honesty you need more than a week before you can make that call
The first weeks are tough, no matter what the drug, but...it gets better.

we change and grow once we stop poisoning ourselves.

Stay your course and three months from now you might be surprised by the person looking back at you from the mirror

lrntolive

Thanks dee.

I was thinking exactly that but it comforts me to know I have the AD if I need it.

And 3 weeks huh - ugh. I expected that last time I went through this after 13 year addiction but I only used for about 6 months this time and only the last 3 was daily. It seems my WD should be over sooner but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm dripping sweat and hot/cold tonight and my legs BURN. I feel like I'm better and then 2 hours later it starts again. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the relief when it comes but its just a mind ****.

Enough already. I want to get back to living.

Dee74

LOL probably not a good time to point out I said 3 months not weeks...

I looked at it this way - I gave years to my addictions - I could stand to give a little time to my recovery.

things will get better

D

pinkdog

Hi lrntolive, Day 7 is great. Remember it is still early sobriety. Keep going. It will get easier. You will feel better. Great job so far. Keep in mind the reasons you quit.

lrntolive

Wowza 3 months!
But you are right and I appreciate the reminder. Didn't happen in a day and won't end there either.
I'm glad I didn't know that before I quit this time. I was mentally prepared for a battle last time and was willing to pay the price but this time - I almost feel like I should've used longer if I'm going to suffer this much. I thought I was sparing myself WD by stopping when I did. But no turning back now.
I feel good tonight. I LOVE these moments!!! I took shower and got dressed - went for a walk and I actualky look pretty good/healthy. My skin looks better and my eyes. And added bonus I lost the ten pounds I gained this winter!

lrntolive

Thanks pink dog
I am trying to find peace when I'm struggling with WD and be grateful when I'm not. I'm finding it easier to feel this way when I'm feeling good.
I quit to avoid WD and what I went thru last time but that didn't work out very well - lol. But I'm clean and thanks god for that!

mkintexas

If you don't mind me asking. What qty of perc/oxy are you coming off of. Did you CT or taper ? I have not jumped. I am pretty much watching everyone and trying to put together what my experience might be

wildwooddaze

I thought I was the only one went on housecleaning frenzies while drunk. I figured hey, I'm plastered but look at all the work I did so that makes it ok. I know exactly bow you feel about making all this plans for spiffy things to do and then not being able to get off the sofa. I'm new at this too and all I can say is maybe the couch is where you should be right now if it keeps you (and me) sober. Tomorrow is another day. Good luck!

DylanS

Hey LTL - congrats on the 7 days! I'm on day 7, myself (again) and feel completely innervated. I feel a bit like a quadriplegic - nothing below my neck wants to move, to do anything, no interest, no nothing.

Wildwood - really relate to your experience. I'd get drunk or take vic/oxy and be so productive, it helped me rationalize it, helped make it okay because, sober, I wasn't very motivated.

Congrats again, LTL - hang in there!

lrntolive

Hi mkintexas! When do you plan on making the jump? If you can taper and plan everything around the process, it will be much easier for sure!

I tried to taper last time I quit and couldn't do it. If I have them - I take them. So I quit CT both times. 2 years ago when I quit I was taking about 20 10mg norvo every day and had taken it for about 13 years. I was prepared to go through hell and I did. I don't remember the physical WD as much as I do the mental anguish and severe PAWS. I know it was hell but i was SO out of it that i didnt even know my name for the first month!
This time I was snorting 2-3 perc 30s every few days for several months and then started taking about 100mg per day for almost 3 months. I wasn't prepared thus time as I thought I wouldn't go into full blown WD afyer only 2 1/2 mos of daily use. Someone told me that once you have had an addiction that it doesn't take long to become physically addicted again. I don't know for sure if that is true.
But what I do know is that the sooner you can quit the better. It will get worse and the longer you use - the harder the recovery. I hope this helps you and if you need anything at all- I am here to help in any way I can. These forums help so much. Good luck and keep in touch.

lrntolive

Hey Wildwood,
Thanks for your support! guess none of us are that different after all. Amazing what you can get accomplished on those damn things. I love hearing every story and seeing that we are all together in this journey..
I am feeling great right now. No pain in my legs. No headache. Just upset stomach but I just started eating. I agree that it's OK to stay on the couch on the days that walking to the bathroom seem overwhelming. I need to be gentler with myself and I'm trying.
Please let me know how things are going for you!

lrntolive

Hey dylan, Congrats on reaching one full week!! And hang in there, it will get better. I know when you hear that it is like that doesn't help me now but as someone told me take it one hour/day at a time.
I would love to learn more about what you were taking/how much and continue to talk and see how each day is going for you. Since we are both at day 7 we can compare notes.
Talking obsessively about our symptoms, our truimphs and our pain is the best medicine right now. At least, that has been my experience so far.
Talk soon!

DylanS

Hey LTL,

I wasn't a heavy-duty user. It was between 10-35mg a day, almost every day, for 2-3 years. I know that isn't exact, but my brain is pretty fuzzy now on time...I remember more the amount because, in an insane attempt to insure I didn't become addicted, I actually tracked my consumption on the calendar. It didn't insure crap, except that I have a pretty good record of my initially-slow-but-increasingly-fast slide into addiction.

Yesterday, I woke up too late to get to my regular meeting (but was grateful I slept that night) and it was a very difficult day. I just need to go every day, I guess. The support and wisdom at the meeting I stumbled upon is invaluable. I drive to the meeting in a deep funk and come out, typically, feeling less alone and grateful for the folks there. Somehow, there is a lot of long-term sobriety where I live (they have a phone list with the person's sobriety date beside their phone number and, wow, it's common to see between 15-30 years sobriety by a LOT of the names).

How're you doing?