goldiilocks

I'm feeling really badly about the stuff that happened about a week ago.

I know I am very lucky to be alive and I am lucky I did not hurt anyone or get arrested, but I am feeling like such a douchebag for the way I probably acted that night at the bar(s).

I can't even remember how I was acting, because I did black out most of it, but the parts I do remember make me want to vomit. I wish I wasn't me. It really makes me wish I could be able to act like a normal person, instead of an embarassment.

I don't even talk to the girl I went bar hopping with anymore. I told her I was sorry for any way that I might have been an embarassment or any way that I offended her and I admitted to her that I am an alcoholic. I never want to see her again though.

I just worry that someone who was at one of those places will see me again and think, "Oh hey isnt that the crazy girl at the bar the other day who was a tripped out mess?" It makes me want to change my identity. This horrible feeling just makes me want to drink but I realize that MY INABILITY to drink is what got me into this mess in the first place. It's like all traces of social norms and ways of properly conducting myself fly out the window after a certian amount of drinks.

Sorry guys, I am just feeling so embarassed and ashamed of myself. I wish these feelings would stop so I could successfully pick up the pieces of the things I have already broken.

Dee74

I've told this story many times

I was the neighbourhood drunk. I was that guy. People would avoid me and shoo their kids out of the way.

If I can came back from that, you can come back from this Goldilocks.

One night, with all the people a bar gets, and the drunken escapades - chances are they wouldn't even remember your face - honestly

D

goldiilocks

Thanks, I just feel like such a... pariah or something. Like a socially awkward fool. I really feel like I'm the only one who has/would ever conduct herself in such an unbecoming manner in public. It would help if I still lived in the big city. I live in a much smaller city now where everyone knows everyone. So I hope I havent ruined my reputation. I normally would never go out and drink for this very reason. I normally would lock myself in my bedroom.

I need to change my life and my ways, but I want instant results. I know that's not going to happen. I'm just having a really down moment I think. I'm going to continue chain smoking and drinking coffee for now. As long as I don't drink alcohol...

Dee74

Things won't always look this bleak - things will get better...with time

D

FeenixxRising

Goldiilocks, the embarrassment and shame will subside. Believe me, many of us have done much worse while drunk. Staying sober is the best way to ease the emotional pain. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Forgive yourself, but recognize the harm that can be caused by your drinking.

Remember, that if you stay sober you never have to experience this kind of embarrassment and shame again.

Hevyn

Goldiilocks - I did embarrassing stuff too. Most of us have. I don't think people notice or remember as much as we think they do. I always thought all eyes were on me - but it wasn't true. Besides, any memories they may have of that night will fade. The person you really are will shine through - and that's what will matter in the end.

360shoes

Hi Goldi,
I know how you feel. I've done some pretty awful things too. There is a way out.

dwtbd

goldiilocks

Just a thought but , you wanted instant results, well it may seem like small consolation but not drinking right now this moment means you are instantly not drunk right now
It's a thought I use to build on, hope it helps, wishing you well

goldiilocks

Thank you for that beautiful image as well as the kind words and insight. I really needed to read them tonight. I still havent taken a drink. Eating a lot of unhealthy foods though. I'm not even normally the kind of person who would eat when they get depressed.

I'm the kind of person who would drink instead. I really hope I am not replacing alcohol with food and cigarettes. But in all honesty, even if I gain a couple of pounds i think it would be better than this mental turmoil that alcohol puts me through.

dwtbd

I don't think you need to fret about the fritos , right now
maybe try e-cigs too
I gave up the paper cigs in jan, the bourbon way more recently, for right now I'm keepin the nicotene