RedManc7

Using lots of suboxone , 36mg 1st day. 24mg yesterday. Hopefully just 16mg today. Can't imagine coming off heroin without the subs. Would be unbearable. Dreamt last night I was smoking heroin. I could taste it in my mouth, it tasted so real! Couldn't believe I wasn't when I woke up.

I don't know how this is going to play out where I am right now needing suboxone to live is fine with me at least I'm not breaking the law Anymore and risking my visa in this country.

I never want to go through this again. It's horrible.

fancyfee

Congratulations Red! I hope your recovery continues to go well!

RedManc7

Thanks fancy fee!

trikyriky

How are you today ?

RedManc7

not been on for 2 days cos i started using again.

Trying to get clean again today. Day 1 again.

i got super pissed on friday night in Melbourne with a client, woke up in the horrors of drink so got back on the H when i got home.

Stupid.

But i'm not gonna beat myself up about it - just starting again.

Realised i definately cant drink while trying to do this, it messes everything up and is the gateway to using

fancyfee

Sorry to hear that Red. But today is day 1, right?

Will this put your suboxone treatment in jeopardy?

RedManc7

today is day 1.

i didnt want to come on here high (bit like turning up to a AA meeting pissed)

no it wont jepordise as i buy off friends.

DylanS

Good on ya for getting right back on the horse, RedManc - and you've learned something important about yourself. A lot of folks think they can do one or the other (including me in the past, I'm afraid). It's good to find out early and not have that bitter slide later.

Day one...keep it up!

RedManc7

Cheers, I really need to work on a strategy for the weekends.

jacrazz

Self talk, positive self talk!! And don't count days!

selfsabotage

I know, for me, that alcohol is def. a welcome mat for drug abuse...

My DOC (aside from alcohol) is/are stimulants. "Hey, I'm drunk - I want to wake up - let's abuse my Ritalin/Dexedrine..."

I am new, but learning to understand why I do what I do...

I used to have a lot of NPD/BPD traits and participating on forums helped me to correct those aberrant qualities. You will get better if you 'talk' it out - reflect, communicate - participate. *hugs*

jaynie04

Hi SS...glad to see you here and I love your new avatar. I totally get what you mean about personality issues, mine keep cropping up and I am batting them down like flies. In fact I am in the midst of something right now that I know is not healthy. I completely slacked off today, as you can see from my posting. I am still early on so I am trying to be gentle with myself, but anything in excess is still a red flag to me, even being here. I'm not drinking, but I am also aware of being compulsive right now.

I am still tapering off of Seroquel which they put me on in rehab for sleep at a low dose. I had been using Ambien, Klonopin and alcohol. I am sure I did a number on my brain in the last 10 years so I am not getting too uptight about it, but I am seeing compulsivity and that is not a good place to be. Unfortunately the Seroquel has been like a horse tranquilizer, I am on my last taper, but it has rendered me fairly useless. I pushed my doc to let me taper quickly, and she warned me I would have insomnia, hence the 3:25 am post....

I saw a lot of people coming into rehab fresh from detox. A lot of them had pretty obvious NPD/BPD traits. It was amazing the difference being clean a week made. I am not kidding you, it was like witnessing a miracle. And it was a really powerful testament to what getting clean can bring you. I am guessing that I probably had (and still have) a lot of these traits myself. It does help to talk about it, and to share our stories.

It's great to have you onboard!

selfsabotage

hehe, I actually live in Hawaii - I was pretty out of it when I signed up and the sign-up process defaulted to 'Pacific'...

I think it is important to be kind to ourselves, with what we put in our bodies and minds and to the thoughts that we supply to our brains. I have read that shame/guilt can be a trigger - so, we should love ourselves, even when we mess up.

I took anti's for a few year - really, before I understood depression and the role that the stimulant medications played in my 'diagnosis'... since then I have some to understand that depression comes from a mismatch between our expectations and our realities. "I want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend that loves me but the one I am with is mean some of the time..." (depression) -- or -- "I want to have fun all the time in life... why can't I?" (drug/alcohol abuse) >>> I see a lot of similarity between feeling down and feeling high...

It's awesome to admit - to just fess up that things just aren't right...

I used to have a huge helping of NPD. Being a computer programmer this was especially damaging to my ego, my narcissistic supply (which was often myself and what I could accomplish, often above and beyond what others could do). It was only after I learned to focus on what I did right that I began to accept my faults as a human and to chill out. Sure, most of the communication within my organization was, "Hey, SS - there's a bug here... (you did this wrong...)" Yet, when I looked at the application as a whole I realized that I did most of it right...

I do most everything right. I think this is important to say to ourselves.

Recloverly

Wait till you try to get off the subs! Then the real fun begins! Curious why I am posting this is 4:50 am? 3rd night no opiate, 3rd night no sleep. I LOOK GORGEOUS!

Just kidding. Good luck with your taper just be sure not to get high or you will start the vicious cycle over! Early recovery sucks, which is why it's a good idea to go through it once.

But seriously, DONT GET HIGH its not worth it!! best of luck although that is completely irrelevant!