LuLu13

So, the last few days I have been really depressed which is unlike me, I was a happy drunk. I have figured out why I am depressed now I just have to figure out how to change my attitude. Sigh, this isn't easy.

Ironman9292

Hey LuLu,

Im on day 23 and sharing some very similar feelings. I hate these feelings and not being able to sleep just amplifies everything.. Physically I feel fine, except for being exhausted. Im not sure what has triggered it for me but it seems to be worse tonight then the past 3 combined. I guess this is one of the reasons SR is here...

LuLu13

I'm with you Ironman, this insomnia thing is getting old. The depression gets worse because I do not accomplish anything because I am so tired, it is a vicious cycle but we will prevail. It helps to know someone else is having the same issues, thanks.

Nuudawn

Hi Lulu..sorry you're blue.

One thing I've noticed in my early sobriety is that I don't "snap out" of things so easy anymore. Not that I ever did..I just drank to "change the channel" so to speak. I have noticed that when somethings troubles or upsets me..it hangs around for a day or two before it passes. The good news is it does pass and I suspect I will get better at it. I remember the first time I "dwelled" on something in sobriety..and it bugged me all darn day..I was like "GEEZ what's wrong with me?" I suspect I will learn to work through things quicker and easier since I will tire of giving up whole damn days being bugged by something : )

Ironman9292

Youre welcome and it definitely does help to know someone else is going through this even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I guess im depressed for other reasons, it seems that the things that I dealt with by drinking are resurfacing now in my mind. I look back at the past few years of my life and just facepalm.. I dunno, I guess this is all part of the healing process. I hope it is anyway.

Dee74

Like I said to someone else it seems like a lot of us are depressed right now - who knows, it may not be connected to recovery at all?

I hope it passes for you soon though
D

Nuudawn

Thank you for saying that Dee. I was talking to a woman tonight (who has been sober over 2 years and about 15 years my junior) and we were both complaining about how lethargic and apathetic we've been lately. We both chuckled when we agreed that even stopping to put gas in our vehicles was too hard these days.

She said she was so relieved that I was feeling same. Well I could have jumped up and down and sang a song. Her sobriety is way older and her body is way younger!

Maybe it is something in the air...from North America all the way to Australia. Planetary alignment out of whack : )

Maybe we're all a bit blue this week Lulu : )

LuLu13

Maybe it is the cycle of the moon, LOL. Or maybe it is the fact it is freezing in Chicago in August. Okay, I exaggerate but it is in the 50's right now.

I too facepalm when I think of the last 2 plus years of my life and how I have fallen. I know what I need to do but just cannot seem to do it and if I don't my situation will be dire. I need to light a fire under my butt!

keen2bclean

I can't offer any words of wisdom as I haven't managed to string together more than 4 days sobriety in goodness knows how long...but wanted to show encouragement, 25 days is fantastic! I'm guessing by now you'd be hoping to feel somewhat more naturally lifted maybe...possibly you are really 'feeling' now and your body is adjusting to that...I hope it passes soon for you.

Dee74

Whenever I feel depressed I make lists of things I need to do - I start small, but I make sure I do things...& gradually I ramp it up.

maybe that might help you gain some momentum LuLu?

D

LuLu13

Dee, you are right. My biggest worry is getting a job. I have not worked in over two years and am afraid to even start the process. I was fairly successful and lost my job after my company was bought out, it was not due to my drinking. That was when I went from an HFA to an all day drinker and the decline was fast. I keep running scenarios in my head as to what to say about the last two years...I spent them drunk, LOL. I have come up with all kinds of things, it was a planned sabbatical, I got a great severance package (which I did). I keep telling myself to just start by sending out 5 resumes a day and making calls to 2 contacts each day. I know many people in my industry but, again, how do I explain this mess I have gotten myself into.

Thanks for all the support guys, it really helps on these sleepless nights.

Dee74

You can say you had a sabbatical, or a life change, or medical issues?

D

LuLu13

I lean toward the sabbatical, I always worry that the medical issues will put off employers due to the cost of medical insurance. I have worked in health insurance for 20+ years and sadly know how many employers think. There were some nasty things that happened in those two years which did stop me from looking. My 52 year old brother passed away unexpectedly last January, sadly he was the only one of the three of us who is/was not a drunk. Life can be so unfair. I know I can get a job, I just need confidence and to get back out there. I have no expectation to make the money I was making and that is fine, I do not need that kind of income any longer. I just want to work and get some self esteem back. Of course making enough to pay the mortgage would be nice.

keen2bclean

If its any comfort I haven't worked for the past ten years...I have been a stay at home mum...but now my youngest is at school I need to get back out there...preferably something part time around the school term times....the thought of getting back out there is scary...my confidence is shot and feel I have little to offer .I wish you lots of luck...sabbatical sounds like the best call...good pay off so was fortunate to take a break for a couple of years ....

LuLu13

Keen, I feel for you. It is tough. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job! My situation is a little different as it is only me. I was a single mom from the time my daughter was born, I was living with her father when I got pregnant, he walked out and we haven't seen him since. My daughter is through college and is 24, yikes. She has a good job and bought her own townhome 6 months ago. If I do not get something soon I am going to be in deep doo doo. I am thankful I have had the money to survive this long although I may never be able to retire and her inheritance is not looking very good at the moment :-)

Okay friends, it is 3 AM and I am going to climb in bed and read mainly because I am freezing to death. Catch you all later today and looking forward to your updates.

keen2bclean

Lulu All respect to you for bringing your daughter up alone, a successful one too! you should be proud. I hope you find a suitable job soon...and that you get some much needed sleep....nite

LuLu13

Still can't sleep, LOL.

Thank you, Kleen, she was an easy one to raise. Thankfully my drinking did not start until after she left for college. I am proud of her and miss her living with me. I think loneliness is a big part of my problem. We are so close, perhaps too close. She now lives about 40 minutes to an hour away from me depending on traffic. She works 12 hour shifts overnight, 6 PM to 6 AM, so the time I do get with her is precious.

Let's all stick together and get through these first few months.

GracieLou

It sounds like some our stories are the same.

I lost my job of 17 years after an acquisition. I too work in healthcare, prescription insurance to be exact. I got a severance and then unemployment. I was out of work a little over a year.

With the acquisition and the economy not one interviewer asked me why I was out so long, they only asked me why I left the company and the acquisition sort of explained that.

I did finally land a job and in my industry which made it much easier to get back in the groove. I don't make as much money but I make enough to cover what I need. I was salary before and I am hourly now but the work is easy. I am not as stressed. I come in, do my job to the best of my ability and I go home. My real life and the life that matters is outside the work walls. They are not going to put my resume on my headstone.

The only difference is I drank the entire time I was out of work and looking for work. The only reason I did not fall over the edge is because I was living with someone otherwise I would have drank all day long. My over the top did not happen until after I moved out and although because of work I did not drink all day, my weekends were spent that way.

The acquisition and the severance should be enough to explain. You can also say you took the time to connect with family.

Good luck and keep sending those resumes!

LuLu13

Thanks, Gracie, I talked to folks in your industry all the time. I was an Employee Benefits Account Executive, a fancy name for an insurance broker who manages employer groups. I wouldn't mind a job where I did not have to dress up everyday, LOL. Your story gives me hope, thank you.

keen2bclean

Loneliness and boredom definitely do not to help...must be nice spending time with her with a clear head now .... Yes let's all muddle through together