AugustWest11

I am "in a relapse" I drank yesterday; mainly cause as I said before I think I just gave in\up .. I hope just gave in and not up I am facing so many emotions today\right now .. Fear, is the biggest; but I am so depressed worried anxious anything bad you can think of is hitting me like a ton of bricks I am waiting now "home\My ex's House"; for my Ex. (she had to take a co-worker to work) then we will go get her mother .. My appointment is in an hour 40 minutes ..

I am very afraid of what will happen after she drops me off and goes back to work I just have no will at the moment to say no; hence I am thinking I might have gave up .. You guys have been so supportive and great ..

If I am able ( meaning I don't have a beer in my hand) I will post .. But I can not make promises to anyone today; especially myself ... I am sure they Social Security) will not make a decision today; so I am still stuck w\ out a place to live for now and need to find something before My ex. really hates me ..It is a strange place to be in right now ..

If she drops me off and comes in the house before she heads back to work I have a good chance of not getting booze .. Sounds strange but I would at least be able to take that urge and post; but if she drops me off and leaves I know me too well .. I will walk and get beers and then sit here depressed cause I let you guys down, myself down, & my Ex. even though that will mainly be guilt cause I will not tell her or let her know ..

Good thing about working nights & having a meeting today; If I email her at 3-4pm and say still can't sleep so will be asleep when you get in at 8pm; She will think nothing of it and I can drink till I pass out ... That reads so sad ...

Thanx Again Guys\Girls you all have been great .. Hope to be posting later; but if not I will drag myself here tomorrow to cry and start on day 1 again and fight going out to the store ..

Olive1

Hi AugustWest,

Maybe if you stop all this planning in your head you can take a moment to clear your thoughts and take ten deep breaths and just say no.

All this planning is just causing too much chaos.

You can just say no. You have done it before.
I believe you can do it.

MatildaRose

Maybe it would help to call where you are this moment "In a lapse of judgment" rather than a full blown relapse. I'm sure many won't agree with me on this but I call a relapse a time when I have given up and am back on the bottle again and I call a lapse of good judgment a short inconvenience that I will soon over come! One day drinking and then back up on the wagon is no reason to give up. Keep on quitting and one day that quitting will stick. It did for me and I believe it can for you too!

AugustWest11

TY; I am trying to stay calm & not plan. But it Is so very hard w\ all the pain I am in, physically & mentally.. Been trying deep breaths since I got out of work. Android is so cool but hard to type:-P

AugustWest11

By the time I posted someone else posted. Just want to say TY & I hope it is just a lapse in judgment; been holding on all I can so far today ..

Anna

I also think you should stop planning this relapse.

Focus instead, on how you can get through the day, no matter what happens, without drinking. You mustn't give up because this disease is relentless.

ImperfectlyMe

Stay with us all day post away! Now is the time you need to be self involved. Your nit letting SR down your helping those who don't have the courage or voice to say what you're saying.

You can stop this right now don't pick up anymore beer. I know you have the desire and the will. Stop giving up on yourself because we're NOT!

MTD

Stay strong and just know that it was a slip not a full blown episode. You have to take one day at a time. Day eleven for me after a couple of slips but got back on the horse or wagon if you will. God Bless!!

Mizzuno

August, why are you planning all of this? You can make different decisions that lead into a different future. I know that times are rough right now, and I know that you feel terrible. Drinking is not the way through your problems. Please take a minute to evaluate why you are in this position and what continues to keep you there? The thoughts and feelings that you have are just that; thoughts and feelings. If you give these thoughts and feelings momentum, you are bound to keep making the same decisions over and over. Please do not do anything. GO to sleep. Post on here. You can do this.

AugustWest11

TY All As for WHY was I planning; cause I am in self destruction mode I guess :| I actually just read this from my Tab and was waiting till My Ex. was gone long enough to know she wasn't coming back; before I walked for beers .. Sat on the couch read it again and looked at my cat and asked him this same very question .. Thanx Miz; a whole bunch .. TY all of you ..

ScottFromWI

What is it about drinking that you think will make any of this better AW?

AugustWest11

Make me "forget" and take some pain away for now; But your right .. All you guys; won't do d**k but dig my hole deeper So not going\ my Window has closed .. Not sure if I am happy or sad b\c of that; but I made it through day 1 again ...

Threshold

August, I am having very much a day like yours. So I said to myself "Today I will do nothing destructive as a result of my feelings"

That's it. I can do anything else, or nothing if that is what it comes down to. But I will do nothing destructive to myself, anything or anyone.

I hope both you and I go to bed having accomplished this.

We can.

Threshold

Awesome, my post was late in coming. Glad to see you are moving forward sober!

AugustWest11

Yea think I might play some Torchlight II a bit on the PC then read and sooner or later when my cats let me sleep .. Again TY all ... Will have my Tablet on by the way