limbogal

So I left xabf Friday and moved my son and I into our new apartment n while we don't have much, there's so much peace here. He hadn't had a drink since June n he's convinced that he's no longer an alkie, but I know from being on SR that unless he's working some sort of program then he's not really in recovery. My issue now is I want to call him, see how he's doing etc. I won't tho which is why I've been on here most of the day reading other posts from those who've been here before me. He hasn't called since we moved (so much for he can't live without me lol). My pride is what's keeping me from calling/texting, I refuse to be the one to cave so to speak. So we're having movie night with my son, a marathon of sorts lol, camping on the living.room floor. Just writing this has helped me to see it's really one day at a time.

lillamy

Congratulations on your new home!!!

I remember that feeling of freedom and relief - and all of a sudden it doesn't matter if you're camping out on the floor (I slept on a rock-hard vinyl couch initially) because you are FREE.

I can't relate to wanting to contact him because I never had that - but I'm proud of you for resisting. Your ex is an adult and can take care of himself.

I don't know your situation but when I moved into my own place, I just quietly let people know that I had moved out from AXH and needed everything. And people started giving me stuff from their homes, and very soon I had chairs and a kitchen table and pots and pans and towels and snuggies. Yes, those armed blankets. Apparently people really had an excess of those because I think I ended up with six or something.

Point being - my experience was that after spending so many years keeping up appearances of having it all together, I really learned how generous people are when I swallowed my pride and asked for help.

I hope you will find the same to be true.

limbogal

Thank you Lilamy...I needed that, I guess my codependency is kicking in now. I haven't contacted him and deep in my heart I know I won't, its just hard and I was feeling kinda lonely. Its so frustrating to be happy to be free and yet STILL feel sympathy for him ugh. One of my coworkers actually went through her garage and gave me a ton of stuff, just have to figure out how to get it to my new place but that's not such a big deal. You're right, I was so used to keeping up the "perfect" face that not many of my friends know about my relationship with the ex and I've always been very proud and won't ask for anything, will just do without till I can get it myself but I have been told some of my friends about the breakup, also because I want to be accountable so to speak and in case I falter, they will not hesitate to "slap" me back to reality lol. Its good to be free, we took the dog for a long walk today exploring our new area, its really peaceful and we have an awesome view of the hills from our patio (cant wait to buy a chair and sit out there with my morning coffee and a good book, and my son can ride his bike and scooter around the neighborhood (lots of kids in the complex), so its a VERY good thing for us and I'm happy. He's a grown man, he'll figure it out for himself. I hope he does coz I do care about him but it's his journey, not ours. Thanks again.

totfit

"unless he's working some sort of program then he's not really in recovery" this is not true at all. Many people "recover" just fine without a "program", most in fact according to the biggest study ever made. The unfortunate fact though is that likely most never recover at all. Odds are he will return to drinking though one never knows. I have seen those that work very hard in AA constantly relapse and have known others that just stop and not return to drinking without any type of program.

limbogal

Tofit...I guess to me I need to see more than just a couple of months of not drinking...we've gone through this before even to the point of him not drinking for more than six months and then just jumping right back into it. However, it's his recovery, his way, whatever works for him. For me, I couldn't live with the uncertainty, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Too much water under that bridge.

Tuffgirl

I like that your pride keeps you from contacting him. Sounds just like me - and if that is what works, great! It has kept me from breaking no contact with toxic people a lot!

You strike me as someone with her proverbial sh!t together, just hurting from this loss. Hang in there. It does hurt less over time, but those first few months for me were tough. But each month that went by, the better things got again.

Take good care,
~T