Sunday 11th August - Day 8
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 175
Sunday 11th August - Day 8
What a week it's been. I can't stop obsessing over being sober, and am thinking of it constantly. I'm not craving, but then again, my 'first drink' was always as if I was on auto pilot. Have been keeping busy, keeping my house tidy (amazing), rearranged the loungeroom, did some major modifications to my desk/workstation to mount some equipment in, but feel very demotivated, and am pushing myself to do things.
I'm feeling very restless, and have nobody to speak to, apart from my former partner. We went out for a bit of a bushwalk today, and I spoke of my week, the recovery meeting, etc. Not a whinge or a cry for help, but just light conversation while on the trail. Came back to my place, and I really needed to get something off my chest. And that is that I am deeply regretful to have caused her so much anguish for the past years. There was a part in that Meg Ryan/Andy Garcia movie that I watched yesterday where the husband attends an Al-Anon, and a woman speaks about her XAH experience with something along the lines of her moods not being her own, but dictated by her husbands moods, waking each morning not knowing how her day would be because, it was in the hands of another person. That moved me, and I related directly to my own former relationship. We cried a bit, and I don't know if this should have been said, but I really regret being a burden on her for so long due to my drinking-related personality traits. I feel that I have taken away years of her happiness in life. Heavy stuff.
I watched another 'recovery movie' as I think you refer to it in these circles, and that was 'Flight'. Also, by pure coincidence, I started reading an autobiography of Duff McKagen, bassist from GnR, before I decided to get sober. Guess what... it's turning out to be a great story of recovery ! All this combined with hours here at SR, and the secular meeting I attended on Friday, I think the bombardment of recovery-related exposure is doing some good.
The week ahead is going to be a tough one. My rent is due, and I am unemployed, and have no idea what I am going to do about it. I will probably have to try and discuss this with my real estate agent but that may lead to an eviction..... and then I'm homeless. I have no friend's couch to sleep on, nor any funds. I'll have to see what I can sell on Ebay but I don't really have an idea on how I can come up with $1600. The social services in my country are typically lousy. I have heard that in emergency circumstances that one might be able to draw funds from their superannuation fund (intended for retirement) but if that fails, then I think I'm stuffed. I also need to file for bankruptcy this week, because the collectors are closing in, which will affect my life for the next 7 years, and my credit rating for the rest of my life.
The thought of losing myself in a bottle of bourbon will be looming, but I know this won't help my state of mind nor my circumstances. Slipping into the void of alcohol again feels like it's just around the corner. Not tonight, I can assure myself of that. But I'm dreading the near future.
I'm feeling very restless, and have nobody to speak to, apart from my former partner. We went out for a bit of a bushwalk today, and I spoke of my week, the recovery meeting, etc. Not a whinge or a cry for help, but just light conversation while on the trail. Came back to my place, and I really needed to get something off my chest. And that is that I am deeply regretful to have caused her so much anguish for the past years. There was a part in that Meg Ryan/Andy Garcia movie that I watched yesterday where the husband attends an Al-Anon, and a woman speaks about her XAH experience with something along the lines of her moods not being her own, but dictated by her husbands moods, waking each morning not knowing how her day would be because, it was in the hands of another person. That moved me, and I related directly to my own former relationship. We cried a bit, and I don't know if this should have been said, but I really regret being a burden on her for so long due to my drinking-related personality traits. I feel that I have taken away years of her happiness in life. Heavy stuff.
I watched another 'recovery movie' as I think you refer to it in these circles, and that was 'Flight'. Also, by pure coincidence, I started reading an autobiography of Duff McKagen, bassist from GnR, before I decided to get sober. Guess what... it's turning out to be a great story of recovery ! All this combined with hours here at SR, and the secular meeting I attended on Friday, I think the bombardment of recovery-related exposure is doing some good.
The week ahead is going to be a tough one. My rent is due, and I am unemployed, and have no idea what I am going to do about it. I will probably have to try and discuss this with my real estate agent but that may lead to an eviction..... and then I'm homeless. I have no friend's couch to sleep on, nor any funds. I'll have to see what I can sell on Ebay but I don't really have an idea on how I can come up with $1600. The social services in my country are typically lousy. I have heard that in emergency circumstances that one might be able to draw funds from their superannuation fund (intended for retirement) but if that fails, then I think I'm stuffed. I also need to file for bankruptcy this week, because the collectors are closing in, which will affect my life for the next 7 years, and my credit rating for the rest of my life.
The thought of losing myself in a bottle of bourbon will be looming, but I know this won't help my state of mind nor my circumstances. Slipping into the void of alcohol again feels like it's just around the corner. Not tonight, I can assure myself of that. But I'm dreading the near future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Malta
Posts: 169
"my 'first drink' was always as if I was on auto pilot"
what an awesome quote...I think it suites most of the alcoholics writing in this forum, well done TKS, please keep on posting, you are a very good writer.
what an awesome quote...I think it suites most of the alcoholics writing in this forum, well done TKS, please keep on posting, you are a very good writer.
Breaking Thru
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,219
Sorry to hear yout struggling . Any chance of employment even at temp agency ? What about charity organizations ? Congrats on the 8 days , I am at the same and it's getting better. Im sending prayers for strength.
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