Numbing from loss of my dad, I'm ready for sobriety again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Numbing from loss of my dad, I'm ready for sobriety again.
Hello everyone. I've thankfully made my way back here to find support for trying sobriety again. I don't really know where to begin as far as words go. I know that saying something is better than not saying anything. I've been looking at a lot of the posts in Newcomers and they've already made me feel better for today. It is so nice to see it written out that I am not alone.
I lost my father May 20 and at that point I had sobriety of a month or so In dealing with the pain I turned to booze yet again. The slide is yet again getting worse and I find myself sitting here again with a physical and emotional hangover. I've been struggling on how to deal with the loss overall and the easiest way has been to numb myself with the drink.
My last drunk was last night and into late this morning. I work in a restaurant and after getting off had a conversation with my girlfriend and finished it off that I was going to bed since I had an early meeting (knowing that I was going to meet coworkers and managers at the bar as soon as I got off the phone.) She's aware of my problem and the course of our relationship has gone from drinking together and having fun, to swearing ill stop because of the inevitable blackout Dr. Jekyll etc. I accidentally called her at the bar about 20 minutes later and she was obviously upset, but I ignored the craziness of the lies what I was doing yet again. Took the "party" back to my place and long story short didn't sleep, attended a meeting at work at 9 this AM, still drunk where I nearly made a fool of myself with my important "suggestions" on how things could be better.
I've been looking at my older posts and it's the same thing over and over. I find myself ready and willing on these hangover days. SO willing! But after a few days sober my pride recovers, and the subtle self deception starts, it's like it never happened. But again the pattern is too clear and it's obvious I'm deceiving myself.
I am an alcoholic. I know right now I'm sick and not thinking clearly but no more excuses. I'm ready again to take responsibility for this thing and do whatever it takes to reach sobriety and find some peace for myself.
My biggest trigger is going out with people from work including my GM my manager and fellow coworkers, a few of which are also friends from school. I'll have every intention of not going out but the subject always comes up I'm invited and I give in. In subtle ways I also hint or ask if people are going so I'm not alone at the bar. Then we always stay out till 3, 4, 5AM.. and the cycle repeats.
Would it be helpful for me simply state that I'm not going out in the beginning to everyone? Or should I talk to my GM and be honest that I have a problem? I feel like if I'm honest, that's me not taking responsibility or putting it on her to not invite me, it's not like no one's gonna talk about going out around me. Any advice?
I'm so glad this site is here and this forum is here. I feel better already and am grateful that I haven't taken a drink tonight. The hangover will fade but I have to continue action.
Initially my plan is to come here daily, try the chat out as I've seen suggested and just read and try to listen. There is night A.A meeting that I can make frequently that has helped me in the past.
I can't do it all in one day though, all I can do now is be sober for tonight thanks for being here everybody.
I lost my father May 20 and at that point I had sobriety of a month or so In dealing with the pain I turned to booze yet again. The slide is yet again getting worse and I find myself sitting here again with a physical and emotional hangover. I've been struggling on how to deal with the loss overall and the easiest way has been to numb myself with the drink.
My last drunk was last night and into late this morning. I work in a restaurant and after getting off had a conversation with my girlfriend and finished it off that I was going to bed since I had an early meeting (knowing that I was going to meet coworkers and managers at the bar as soon as I got off the phone.) She's aware of my problem and the course of our relationship has gone from drinking together and having fun, to swearing ill stop because of the inevitable blackout Dr. Jekyll etc. I accidentally called her at the bar about 20 minutes later and she was obviously upset, but I ignored the craziness of the lies what I was doing yet again. Took the "party" back to my place and long story short didn't sleep, attended a meeting at work at 9 this AM, still drunk where I nearly made a fool of myself with my important "suggestions" on how things could be better.
I've been looking at my older posts and it's the same thing over and over. I find myself ready and willing on these hangover days. SO willing! But after a few days sober my pride recovers, and the subtle self deception starts, it's like it never happened. But again the pattern is too clear and it's obvious I'm deceiving myself.
I am an alcoholic. I know right now I'm sick and not thinking clearly but no more excuses. I'm ready again to take responsibility for this thing and do whatever it takes to reach sobriety and find some peace for myself.
My biggest trigger is going out with people from work including my GM my manager and fellow coworkers, a few of which are also friends from school. I'll have every intention of not going out but the subject always comes up I'm invited and I give in. In subtle ways I also hint or ask if people are going so I'm not alone at the bar. Then we always stay out till 3, 4, 5AM.. and the cycle repeats.
Would it be helpful for me simply state that I'm not going out in the beginning to everyone? Or should I talk to my GM and be honest that I have a problem? I feel like if I'm honest, that's me not taking responsibility or putting it on her to not invite me, it's not like no one's gonna talk about going out around me. Any advice?
I'm so glad this site is here and this forum is here. I feel better already and am grateful that I haven't taken a drink tonight. The hangover will fade but I have to continue action.
Initially my plan is to come here daily, try the chat out as I've seen suggested and just read and try to listen. There is night A.A meeting that I can make frequently that has helped me in the past.
I can't do it all in one day though, all I can do now is be sober for tonight thanks for being here everybody.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: north carolina
Posts: 42
You said you are SO willing on the hangover day and then the deception creeps in after a few days, and that is EXACTLY what happens to me. I know the way I feel tonight is how I'm supposed to feel - the honesty I need, but I am very afraid of a few days from now. I'm tired of feeling like I have no self-control and no power to take care of myself. Good luck! I'm really glad you're here for me to talk with!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Thanks reese! I'm very glad you're here too it sounds like we are at about the same point! I feel afraid also for the next few days when I start feeling better. I always say I'm going to remember all the guilt and shame that comes along with a bender or a drunk to keep me sober but of course by myself everything gets twisted upstairs. At least we have it written down here to remind us. Good luck to you too!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Concord, New Hampshire
Posts: 9
Dear simplex,
I am new to this site so forgive me if I'm not up to par with everything going on - on this site. I can relate to your trouble though, I am 27 male that lost his dad due to an accident in 2011, drugs and alcohol were not related to the issue. I was using to numb the pain for the past 2 years as he just had his 2 year anniversary of his death this past July. Yes I have had moments and even months of sobriety, but I have only recently quit yet again.
I have never had a problem with alcohol, but I am a poly-addict. I lost my girlfriend 7 month ago, not to death but because of my addiction. It has cost me so much, and the pain still continues from my father's passing. I just want you to know that you are not alone and you can talk to me any time about it!
I am new to this site so forgive me if I'm not up to par with everything going on - on this site. I can relate to your trouble though, I am 27 male that lost his dad due to an accident in 2011, drugs and alcohol were not related to the issue. I was using to numb the pain for the past 2 years as he just had his 2 year anniversary of his death this past July. Yes I have had moments and even months of sobriety, but I have only recently quit yet again.
I have never had a problem with alcohol, but I am a poly-addict. I lost my girlfriend 7 month ago, not to death but because of my addiction. It has cost me so much, and the pain still continues from my father's passing. I just want you to know that you are not alone and you can talk to me any time about it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Mystic,
Very sorry to hear about your dad and the breakup too. I'm a 28 year old male and have lost relationships to my alcoholism, it sucks :/ some were toxic looking back but some weren't.
Did you ever try any counseling for the loss of your dad? I went to a bereavement group once which was helpful, but didn't go back because I couldn't admit that I was in a relapse. It was free though and I'm thinking about giving it another try. Maybe there's one near you? Could be helpful. Did you feel conflicting feelings or not know if what you were feeling was normal right after your loss? Don't want to open up old wounds it's just nice to be able to relate I guess.
Thanks for the kind words! Hopefully we can stay sober and find some peace with it, however long that takes.
Very sorry to hear about your dad and the breakup too. I'm a 28 year old male and have lost relationships to my alcoholism, it sucks :/ some were toxic looking back but some weren't.
Did you ever try any counseling for the loss of your dad? I went to a bereavement group once which was helpful, but didn't go back because I couldn't admit that I was in a relapse. It was free though and I'm thinking about giving it another try. Maybe there's one near you? Could be helpful. Did you feel conflicting feelings or not know if what you were feeling was normal right after your loss? Don't want to open up old wounds it's just nice to be able to relate I guess.
Thanks for the kind words! Hopefully we can stay sober and find some peace with it, however long that takes.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hi Simplex..glad you found your way back here. I'm not sure what would work best for you, but for me, I don't make a big ole hoo haw about it. It's personal and private and I only share my sobriety with people I trust with it. Some people find that the declaration of their intention to many, enforces the intention...I tried that before. These days I find more strength in keeping my cards a little closer to my chest.
As you are still very much grieving the loss of your father (in grief, the first year is a rough one) I don't think there is anything dishonest about saying you need to stay away from alcohol at this time. Only you will know what feels comfortable to you as far as whether you have to voice a hard and loud line to those around you...or a soft, quieter..yet still firm one. Stating you need to abstains for a health issue is also not a fictitious answer. Whatever you say, you need resolve behind it : )
As you are still very much grieving the loss of your father (in grief, the first year is a rough one) I don't think there is anything dishonest about saying you need to stay away from alcohol at this time. Only you will know what feels comfortable to you as far as whether you have to voice a hard and loud line to those around you...or a soft, quieter..yet still firm one. Stating you need to abstains for a health issue is also not a fictitious answer. Whatever you say, you need resolve behind it : )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Thanks nudawn. I decided to not make an issue at work just say no to going out. I did say something to those close to me about struggling with it and that's been helpful so far.
When I've gotten sober before it wasn't just for me as it was showing others that I could do it. I'm still struggling with convincing myself I have to do it for me. Its a daily struggle that I think will stick with time. Thanks for your reply.
When I've gotten sober before it wasn't just for me as it was showing others that I could do it. I'm still struggling with convincing myself I have to do it for me. Its a daily struggle that I think will stick with time. Thanks for your reply.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hi Simplex..so glad you're still here. You say you struggle with doing it for yourself. Is that because you don't think you need to but feel external pressure to do so? I'm curious. What does alcohol give you? What are the benefits..to you? What is the biggest obstacle to you enjoying life without it?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
There's really no external pressure to do so other than my girlfriend at the moment. I guess I mean that, I know that to have long term success be it financial, or finding peace and happiness, or being a moral and good person through my choices, that I can't do it drinking. I can see that big picture sometimes if I'm honest with myself. So when I say I'm having trouble doing it for me is that I can't hold that picture long enough to say no to a night of drinking during a relapse. Then the giving in a night here a night there gets more frequent and before I know it a year has gone by and I don't feel I am where I could be if that makes sense.
I guess what alcohol gives me at the time is courage and the ability to talk to people, a sense of invulnerability. I feel like I'm having fun the whole time until it goes to far and it's the next day and I'm still drunk. Then that drunk fades into a terrible hangover. So really it's some "fun" for the night and then two days of feeling like crap and barely functioning.
Life without it I guess seems frightening because I don't think I'll have a release and I get this constant feeling that I'm missing out on something. I also struggle with how I look to other people and feeling like a lesser person because I can't control my drinking enough to be social with it. I also tend to get anxiety, not like panic attacks but a subtle feeling that lasts for days or weeks that something's wrong and I never know what to do about it.
I know some of those answers may sound ridiculous and I'm continuing my goal of stopping, just wanted to answer by what I really felt.
I guess what alcohol gives me at the time is courage and the ability to talk to people, a sense of invulnerability. I feel like I'm having fun the whole time until it goes to far and it's the next day and I'm still drunk. Then that drunk fades into a terrible hangover. So really it's some "fun" for the night and then two days of feeling like crap and barely functioning.
Life without it I guess seems frightening because I don't think I'll have a release and I get this constant feeling that I'm missing out on something. I also struggle with how I look to other people and feeling like a lesser person because I can't control my drinking enough to be social with it. I also tend to get anxiety, not like panic attacks but a subtle feeling that lasts for days or weeks that something's wrong and I never know what to do about it.
I know some of those answers may sound ridiculous and I'm continuing my goal of stopping, just wanted to answer by what I really felt.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head...tis dark in here!
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by simplex 
I've been looking at my older posts and it's the same thing over and over. I find myself ready and willing on these hangover days. SO willing! But after a few days sober my pride recovers, and the subtle self deception starts, it's like it never happened. But again the pattern is too clear and it's obvious I'm deceiving myself.
.
Sorry for the loss of your dad...but glad you came back here for support, good luck with your journey
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