Skymitchg

Im still not sure how to detach... How to not be furious. I came home from work and apparently ah got off at 1 again today... All summer he has got off early ... He was well into a 12 pack ... And already not making much sense. I had to go out to volunteer and ds didn't want to come but I had to force him. He wanted to stay home with dad... And then said "what do you hate dad?" how do I tell a 9 year old why he can't stay home with dad? I am angry at being put in that position. So before I left to volunteer I had to take my mom to the hospital, ah was trying to be really overly helpful, helping her to the car, went to store for me... What is that supposed to make up for the fact that he is drunk at5pm? Ughh. I was volunteering at a jazz festival.. And ds and I enjoyed ourselves, but I found myself very sad watching him play with other kids, and seeing all the couples and families out enjoying the night and I am so alone. It also makes me mad that he was home so early and couldn't take out the garbage... Do the dishes ... Or do anything.. And then he tells my daughters that it's his money he can buy a 12if he wants. I am really tired of this. I've been in some very dark places the last couple weeks in my mind. I like where I'm living, don't think I could afford on my own, don't want to have to move to an apartment and maybe have to get rid of my dogs, need the room where I am because my disabled mom lives with me. Don't know what to do.

LexieCat

Well, a big part of the problem seems to be that you have these expectations that he will behave differently than the way you know that he will. This is who/what he is. So when you come home, expecting a little cooperation or a modicum of sobriety, all you do is to get YOURSELF all upset.

You aren't as trapped as you think you are. Have you talked with a lawyer about what your rights might be if you decided to separate or divorce? Might be a way to start thinking about options. That wouldn't commit you to anything, but at least you would have a starting point for thinking about what you want to do. Your options are only limited right now by your lack of information.

In the meantime, try working on accepting that he is what he is, and plan your day accordingly.

Incidentally, was he driving drunk when he went to the grocery store?

Hammer

Sounds something like . . . . "Dad is drunk. Dad cannot take very good care of himself when he is drunk, let alone you."

Not bitter or anything, just the facts. Kids actually learn this stuff quicker than we tend to.

side note you -- Alateen starts as young as 9 in some areas. GOOD Stuff.



True dat. They might as well learn what selfish looks like early. They are going to see more of it.

Sing it sister.

I will do the banjo back-up.

sick, sick, sick of this . . . [insert favorite expletive]



wow. care-taker to the world you are.

My lawn needs mowing. You want to get that for me later this week?

You know it is over when you say it is? At least that is what I tell myself.

Skymitchg

Lexie. I haven't talked to a lawyer. We rent a townhouse, it's in my name. I could take him to court for child support and hope he would pay it, that might help. There isn't really any property or valuables and he makes minimum wage. I guess that's what I find hard... Accepting and not expecting. This sucks, it hurts, it's tiring.
And I didn't ask him to go to the store... And he walked. Lost his license for DUI years ago and didn't bother to renew.

Skymitchg

Alateen here is for 12 and up. I asked

Hammer

Yeah, understood.

Only 4 groups in the whole DFW metro mess have the lower age extension -- 9 to 11. We are blessed that one is only about 8 miles away . . . and the other is walking distance to our house.

LexieCat

You don't have to do anything this minute. I'm glad he's not driving and endangering other people. If you were to separate you would at least be entitled to child support, and if you filed for it, possibly some support for home expenses for you and your son.

Maybe you could talk to a counselor at your son's school for some help for him. Explain the situation and the problems he seems to be having at home.

Hugs,

Skymitchg

Hammer... I went out and weeded my lawn today by hand... Too tired to do yours now.. Ah actually helped hold bag number2 so I could put the weeds in it.. After watching me pull weeds for 3 hours (yes the backyard was completely weeds.. No grass) it's almost good now. Im ok with him not helping it was something I want done, I feel good about my progress.
Thanks for the sing along.

Skymitchg

Lexie. Thank you for your advice. I think somewhere in my mind I know I could go on my own. Been there before and ok with it. I think I am trying still to kill the hope that the person I want him to be will magically appear. Or trying to come to the realization that this is not how I want my life to be. Typically he is not mean to me, but he is to my adult daughters and sometimes to our son. I am still finding it hard to not accept the crumbs he is throwing at me.. The I love you's. Last night when I finally went home he was pretty smashed. He asked how mom was so I told him we only dropped her off then went to a jazz festival .. He went and muttered to himself for half an hour in the kitchen then went to bed. I went up later when I knew he was asleep. This morning he gets up all cheery, runs to get me a tea, runs some banking errands, makes a suggestive comment to me... Life is good in his world. I don't want to take him up on his suggestion..I don't want him to run these errands for me, I'm a big girl I can do it.. But he insists.
Then I think I went a little nuts (I'm right in there with the insanity). Anouther mom invited ds to go swimming with her kids. I didn't want him going and def not alone. He can't swim and I have suspicions she is as a and a pothead. So ah offers to take him. I said ok ... I have to go pick up mom from hospital anyways. So take him swimming for an hour see how it goes. This woman was married, broke up to be with best friends hubby, broke up with him to be with another ladies man.. And one more time.... So off they go at 2:30.. At 6 he comes home to check in( which he never does) then goes towards the beer store instead of towards her place... I already had suspicions he was drinking. I told him dinner is ready he said I'll go get ds and be right back. They come home at 8:30. My friend asked where ds was so I told her and she asked if I was nuts. She said you know her rep... I am feeling a little nuts. I said well that would take the decision away from me. I am sure if something were to happen it would hurt, but I will not stand for infidelity and maybe he will decide he likes her... She likes to party. And I feel bad for thinking this way. Part of the crazy train. Ds won't be going to swim there again unless I go though. Not if they were having drinks.. Same thing with expecting him to behave one way when I know he won't.
For some strange reason I am feeling calm tonight... Sitting babysitting grankids who are sleeping ... With ds. It is peaceful and quiet and calm. I know my life could be more of this... Just moving ever so slowly towards that conclusion.
Sorry just musing out loud

Skymitchg

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented on one of my posts. Sometimes the words seem harsh , and those are usually the ones I need to hear, the ones I reread, and then contemplate later. I still have a lot to learn, about Codie , about detaching, about alcoholism. It helps to see that there is hope and that I am not alone.
THANK YOU
Hugs

dandylion

skymitchg, it this really any better than infidelity? (a question to ask yourself).

dandylion

Skymitchg

No. It is probably selfish but then I couldn't be blamed. Well I'm pretty sure I could be in some way.

dandylion

skymitch, you don't need the approval or validation of anyone else except yourself. You know what you know. Other people don't live inside your skin. It those people aren't there to hold your hand and and comfort you in the middle of the night when you are racked with worry and grief--and pay your electric bill----their judgements of you don't matter to a hill of beans.

It doesn't matter what he blames you for. You know what you are guilty of--or not!!

Alcoholics are great blame specialists. They blame everything on someone else. Ignore it. detach;detach;detach.

dandylion