Control or just plain mean mom!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
Control or just plain mean mom!
I am trying so hard at being a new single mom that gets no support but negative, sarcastic comments from XAH. We had a family wedding last week and I got both boys ready. Dress shirts, slacks, and learned how to tie ties. They looked wonderful. First thing XAH says is "is there a flood". DS11 was sitting and his pants were too short. Then, XAH had the nerve to criticize how I tied the ties!!!!!
I let it go. Ignored him. Had a good time. Especially after he left because he will not drink in front of that family.
I feel like all that work was for nothing. I lost it today. Not with XAH but with my son. He is 11 and trying out for a travel baseball team. I am not sure he is ready, but can't teach him myself and our rec leagues are useless. I have been working my butt off to help him. I got him lessons, had a neighbor work with him, got a coach of an older team to let him sit in on the practice and even help him for about 15 minutes. The first tryout I thought went really well. Today, my son was lazy. I was so frusterated with all my efforts and he just looked tired. When I asked him if he thought he did well, he said yes and that he thought he would make it. This is where I turned into someone I am ashamed of and said to my son there was no way! After he missed the ball on third base the coach put him in th outfield and barely looked at him again. I said he was second to last in the sprint, had to be told to watch the ball, and was not backing up other players. I know there was a better way. I know I was mean. Problem is I have never been shown or taught that way and feel like a complete failure. Now he has to go out tomorrow for a different team after his own mother told him he sucked!
I told him I was sorry and that I handled it wrong, but I know the damage is done. I am the one he trusts. I am the one that he confides in, talks to, and cries to. I cannot sleep, I am so mad at myself.
Thanks for letting me share....
I let it go. Ignored him. Had a good time. Especially after he left because he will not drink in front of that family.
I feel like all that work was for nothing. I lost it today. Not with XAH but with my son. He is 11 and trying out for a travel baseball team. I am not sure he is ready, but can't teach him myself and our rec leagues are useless. I have been working my butt off to help him. I got him lessons, had a neighbor work with him, got a coach of an older team to let him sit in on the practice and even help him for about 15 minutes. The first tryout I thought went really well. Today, my son was lazy. I was so frusterated with all my efforts and he just looked tired. When I asked him if he thought he did well, he said yes and that he thought he would make it. This is where I turned into someone I am ashamed of and said to my son there was no way! After he missed the ball on third base the coach put him in th outfield and barely looked at him again. I said he was second to last in the sprint, had to be told to watch the ball, and was not backing up other players. I know there was a better way. I know I was mean. Problem is I have never been shown or taught that way and feel like a complete failure. Now he has to go out tomorrow for a different team after his own mother told him he sucked!
I told him I was sorry and that I handled it wrong, but I know the damage is done. I am the one he trusts. I am the one that he confides in, talks to, and cries to. I cannot sleep, I am so mad at myself.
Thanks for letting me share....
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Brown,
I am a mom with 2 girls that have tried out many times for travel soccer teams. They made the teams most seasons, not all. And, there were sessions that went just as you explained; they looked lazy and tired. I did the "oh honey, you should try harder, did you do your best? well, sweetie maybe you should practice more". Maybe not those exact words but it was pretty sugary fake. In my heart I knew they sucked.
I regret it. It is not reality, and it wasn't the truth. Life is harsh. If he wants to make the team he needs to pick it up. He will not be chosen if he doesn't pick it up and his heart will be broken. If he is not chosen then you can do the "lets try harder next time".
This is just my opinion, but I think all you did was point out the truth. He will still trust you, I promise that one. It's good you apologized for the delivery, however, someday a coach will be saying those words.
Good luck,
By the way-- my girls somewhere along the line quit trying their hardest and I believe some of the reason is that I "coed" them through it, trying to keep them from feeling bad about themselves.
Be well,
I am a mom with 2 girls that have tried out many times for travel soccer teams. They made the teams most seasons, not all. And, there were sessions that went just as you explained; they looked lazy and tired. I did the "oh honey, you should try harder, did you do your best? well, sweetie maybe you should practice more". Maybe not those exact words but it was pretty sugary fake. In my heart I knew they sucked.
I regret it. It is not reality, and it wasn't the truth. Life is harsh. If he wants to make the team he needs to pick it up. He will not be chosen if he doesn't pick it up and his heart will be broken. If he is not chosen then you can do the "lets try harder next time".
This is just my opinion, but I think all you did was point out the truth. He will still trust you, I promise that one. It's good you apologized for the delivery, however, someday a coach will be saying those words.
Good luck,
By the way-- my girls somewhere along the line quit trying their hardest and I believe some of the reason is that I "coed" them through it, trying to keep them from feeling bad about themselves.
Be well,
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Nobody is perfect. You apologized - and that shows your son that despite your role as a parent and authority figure in his life, you can acknowledge that you were wrong and try to make amends.
Maybe you could sit down and write him a letter detailing a bit what you have said here on SR? Sometimes writing it down lets you lay it out better. But once you are done, you have to let it go. Clean your side of the street, as they sometimes say in 12 step groups, and let him clean his.
Hope this helps!
Maybe you could sit down and write him a letter detailing a bit what you have said here on SR? Sometimes writing it down lets you lay it out better. But once you are done, you have to let it go. Clean your side of the street, as they sometimes say in 12 step groups, and let him clean his.
Hope this helps!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
brownhouse, I can relate. When you live a life surrounded by dysfunction it can be hard to find your way forward. I do think you are being a little hard on yourself. No parent is perfect and that you were able to recognize your mistake and apologize to your son is a great thing--it was a solid parenting moment and good modeling for him. It's hard to watch our kids struggle and fail and I can completely understand the urge to rescue them or constantly smooth out the path in front of them, but failure and struggle have a critical value while growing up. It's sounds like you've done a lot to support his success (which is great) but the end result is really in his hands. If he succeeds, you both get to be proud and excited and, if he fails, then he learns an important lesson and you let him know you love him just the same and your support will still be there.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Brownhorse,
If your son is anything like my kids, he will try harder today. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to tell kids the truth about their performance. I tell my kids that I respect them and their ability enough to be honest with them. Usually when they act mad about what I am saying, they are mad at themselves because they know I am right.
Sometimes they tell me when they think I am over the top or acting like a "psycho" parent. I am receptive to this and apologize. I guess what I am saying is that I think it is possible to set up a pretty honest dialog with kids that works. Just because you love a child unconditionally does not mean you have to sugar coat every screw up they make.That's what my codie mother did to me growing up and I don't think it served me well at all. I didn't trust her. When she praised me it didn't mean anything because she wasn't honest about the times I didn't deserve praise.
The kids' sports scene is pretty out of control and crazy; it really gets to me sometimes. I commend you for looking at your behavior. You are a good mom.
If your son is anything like my kids, he will try harder today. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to tell kids the truth about their performance. I tell my kids that I respect them and their ability enough to be honest with them. Usually when they act mad about what I am saying, they are mad at themselves because they know I am right.
Sometimes they tell me when they think I am over the top or acting like a "psycho" parent. I am receptive to this and apologize. I guess what I am saying is that I think it is possible to set up a pretty honest dialog with kids that works. Just because you love a child unconditionally does not mean you have to sugar coat every screw up they make.That's what my codie mother did to me growing up and I don't think it served me well at all. I didn't trust her. When she praised me it didn't mean anything because she wasn't honest about the times I didn't deserve praise.
The kids' sports scene is pretty out of control and crazy; it really gets to me sometimes. I commend you for looking at your behavior. You are a good mom.
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I will definitely acknowledge that the way you handled that was not exactly your best moment as a mother, for sure.
You apologized. But you're right, the damage was done.
Here's the thing. There's no excuse for taking your stress out on your kids. There's no excuse for telling him he sucked when the problem wasn't really that he sucked, the problem was that you felt unappreciated when after all that you had done for him, he didn't show appreciation by doing his absolute best.
So think about it. Who else has made you feel unappreciated? Why is that where your head goes immediately? Are you replaying your marriage in the relationship with your son? I'm asking you because I have found myself doing that with people in my life. I'm so hard-wired to feel unappreciated after 20 years with a nasty drunk that any time I even smell lack of appreciation, I overreact. My most recent example was when I had cooked dinner and the kids declared the food "tasting like garbage"... and I grabbed their plates, threw their food in the trash, and told them if they were going to be ungrateful for what was served, they didn't need to eat at all. And then I stomped off and moped. In your case and in mine -- the bottom line was similar (we invested time in something for our children and they did not show appreciation) and of course we had the right to be upset about it. But surely it would have been better if I had explained to the kids that calling my food garbage was rude, and that if they had said "I really don't like the taste of this, Mom -- can I have a bowl of cereal instead?" it would have been a completely different ballgame (no pun intended). Just as if you had pulled your son aside and said "listen: we have together spent a lot of time preparing you for this. If you want to make the team, you need to pick your game up a notch" it would have been a lot better.
Being a single parent is the hardest effing job. It just is. We're not always going to get gold stars for our behavior. But I think apologizing is good, and explaining why we get seemingly randomly upset -- our kids need predictability and stability, and if they understand our nasty reactions when we have them (and let's face it, we all do), it makes it less scary for them.
But even more than apologizing, figuring out why we do the wrong things and working to change our behaviors is important. I've sometimes felt like the kids and I have gone through a great growth spurt together since I left AXH, and like puberty, it sure hasn't always been pretty...
You apologized. But you're right, the damage was done.
Here's the thing. There's no excuse for taking your stress out on your kids. There's no excuse for telling him he sucked when the problem wasn't really that he sucked, the problem was that you felt unappreciated when after all that you had done for him, he didn't show appreciation by doing his absolute best.
So think about it. Who else has made you feel unappreciated? Why is that where your head goes immediately? Are you replaying your marriage in the relationship with your son? I'm asking you because I have found myself doing that with people in my life. I'm so hard-wired to feel unappreciated after 20 years with a nasty drunk that any time I even smell lack of appreciation, I overreact. My most recent example was when I had cooked dinner and the kids declared the food "tasting like garbage"... and I grabbed their plates, threw their food in the trash, and told them if they were going to be ungrateful for what was served, they didn't need to eat at all. And then I stomped off and moped. In your case and in mine -- the bottom line was similar (we invested time in something for our children and they did not show appreciation) and of course we had the right to be upset about it. But surely it would have been better if I had explained to the kids that calling my food garbage was rude, and that if they had said "I really don't like the taste of this, Mom -- can I have a bowl of cereal instead?" it would have been a completely different ballgame (no pun intended). Just as if you had pulled your son aside and said "listen: we have together spent a lot of time preparing you for this. If you want to make the team, you need to pick your game up a notch" it would have been a lot better.
Being a single parent is the hardest effing job. It just is. We're not always going to get gold stars for our behavior. But I think apologizing is good, and explaining why we get seemingly randomly upset -- our kids need predictability and stability, and if they understand our nasty reactions when we have them (and let's face it, we all do), it makes it less scary for them.
But even more than apologizing, figuring out why we do the wrong things and working to change our behaviors is important. I've sometimes felt like the kids and I have gone through a great growth spurt together since I left AXH, and like puberty, it sure hasn't always been pretty...
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What Amy said.
When I feel myself getting wound up, I HALT (Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Or all of the above?) and make a conscious decision to pull back and get my reaction back to an appropriate level. I mostly succeed, mostly I fail. When I fail I know it's time for me to get back on the self-care routine and refill my reserve tank.
My old therapist said that it was always very important to apologize to your kids and let them know how your behavior was wrong or off.
It's also not a bad thing for your kids to "own" their part in it too -- was he doing his best? Why or why not? You just can't set it up as the catalyst for your bad behavior. Two things can be true (you lost your temper, he didn't try his best) without them being dependent on one another.
When I feel myself getting wound up, I HALT (Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Or all of the above?) and make a conscious decision to pull back and get my reaction back to an appropriate level. I mostly succeed, mostly I fail. When I fail I know it's time for me to get back on the self-care routine and refill my reserve tank.
My old therapist said that it was always very important to apologize to your kids and let them know how your behavior was wrong or off.
It's also not a bad thing for your kids to "own" their part in it too -- was he doing his best? Why or why not? You just can't set it up as the catalyst for your bad behavior. Two things can be true (you lost your temper, he didn't try his best) without them being dependent on one another.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Thanks everybody! I think I know I was being controlling and am frusterated I have to put so much effort into this and see all the other kids with their dads. I was seriously the only mom at one of the events. I know I messed up and wish he wasn't the one in my path. He has been through so much and doesn't deserve it. My dad is taking him tonight and I am taking a break. I think it will be best for everybody.
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Glad to announce he made a team and I don't think I did too much damage. This kid is grinning from ear to ear and I have not seen him this happy in a long time. He so deserves this! Thanks everybody for your support.
Of course, AXH says he is so proud and will help pay the fees when he gets some money. He has no idea everything this kid has went through! I won't use any of his money for baseball, he doesn't deserve to say he helped!
Of course, AXH says he is so proud and will help pay the fees when he gets some money. He has no idea everything this kid has went through! I won't use any of his money for baseball, he doesn't deserve to say he helped!
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I read/learned something great in my training. Please know that this is not because I am a parent.
Parents will mess up. It is not about having a perfect relationship with your kids.
It is about being willing to repair. The closeness and the bond happen not because you are perfect but because you are willing to tend to the error/wrong.
It also gives kids the freedom to do the same in their relationships.
It made me feel good hearing that, seeing it as the parents in the group reported how much easier that made them feel about parenting, and actually writing this down.
Parents will mess up. It is not about having a perfect relationship with your kids.
It is about being willing to repair. The closeness and the bond happen not because you are perfect but because you are willing to tend to the error/wrong.
It also gives kids the freedom to do the same in their relationships.
It made me feel good hearing that, seeing it as the parents in the group reported how much easier that made them feel about parenting, and actually writing this down.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Yes, the proud peacock. Comes around for the bragging, but that's it. On the rare chance that our AM was ever actually willing to be proud of us, this happened. But mostly she just didn't give a damn. Congratulations to your son! Proof that hard work pays. 
I can be Mean Mom, too. It's all learned behavior from my family of origin. I think that's my biggest demon to battle. I am so hypercritical of the people in my life, and none of them deserve it. I certainly understand the "Why the heck did I say that?" feeling.
I can be Mean Mom, too. It's all learned behavior from my family of origin. I think that's my biggest demon to battle. I am so hypercritical of the people in my life, and none of them deserve it. I certainly understand the "Why the heck did I say that?" feeling.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by brownhorse 
I am trying so hard at being a new single mom that gets no support but negative, sarcastic comments from XAH. We had a family wedding last week and I got both boys ready. Dress shirts, slacks, and learned how to tie ties. They looked wonderful. First thing XAH says is "is there a flood". DS11 was sitting and his pants were too short. Then, XAH had the nerve to criticize how I tied the ties!!!!!
I let it go. Ignored him. Had a good time. Especially after he left because he will not drink in front of that family.
I feel like all that work was for nothing. I lost it today. Not with XAH but with my son. He is 11 and trying out for a travel baseball team. I am not sure he is ready, but can't teach him myself and our rec leagues are useless. I have been working my butt off to help him. I got him lessons, had a neighbor work with him, got a coach of an older team to let him sit in on the practice and even help him for about 15 minutes. The first tryout I thought went really well. Today, my son was lazy. I was so frusterated with all my efforts and he just looked tired. When I asked him if he thought he did well, he said yes and that he thought he would make it. This is where I turned into someone I am ashamed of and said to my son there was no way! After he missed the ball on third base the coach put him in th outfield and barely looked at him again. I said he was second to last in the sprint, had to be told to watch the ball, and was not backing up other players. I know there was a better way. I know I was mean. Problem is I have never been shown or taught that way and feel like a complete failure. Now he has to go out tomorrow for a different team after his own mother told him he sucked!
I told him I was sorry and that I handled it wrong, but I know the damage is done. I am the one he trusts. I am the one that he confides in, talks to, and cries to. I cannot sleep, I am so mad at myself.
Thanks for letting me share....
I let it go. Ignored him. Had a good time. Especially after he left because he will not drink in front of that family.
I feel like all that work was for nothing. I lost it today. Not with XAH but with my son. He is 11 and trying out for a travel baseball team. I am not sure he is ready, but can't teach him myself and our rec leagues are useless. I have been working my butt off to help him. I got him lessons, had a neighbor work with him, got a coach of an older team to let him sit in on the practice and even help him for about 15 minutes. The first tryout I thought went really well. Today, my son was lazy. I was so frusterated with all my efforts and he just looked tired. When I asked him if he thought he did well, he said yes and that he thought he would make it. This is where I turned into someone I am ashamed of and said to my son there was no way! After he missed the ball on third base the coach put him in th outfield and barely looked at him again. I said he was second to last in the sprint, had to be told to watch the ball, and was not backing up other players. I know there was a better way. I know I was mean. Problem is I have never been shown or taught that way and feel like a complete failure. Now he has to go out tomorrow for a different team after his own mother told him he sucked!
I told him I was sorry and that I handled it wrong, but I know the damage is done. I am the one he trusts. I am the one that he confides in, talks to, and cries to. I cannot sleep, I am so mad at myself.
Thanks for letting me share....
Who xares if theres a flood or a drought....pointing it out and mocking someone is immature. Good for him. Pfft!
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