The chaos continues...
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
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The chaos continues...
I talked to ABF on Friday, while he was still in detox and told him that he couldn't come back home. He got really angry and said a bunch of mean things to me about how everything was all my fault and that I was turning my back on him and leaving him with nothing. We didn't speak all weekend and I tried to be in touch with his family to find out where he was and make sure that he was okay. On Sunday, I spoke with his mom and she let me know that he was at the sober house that he lived in when we met and with his friend, who is the president of that house. I had no further contact with anyone until ABF called me yesterday. He called the house, which rings to my cell phone. I didn't know the number, but it was a local area code, so I answered. I was about to go into a meeting at work and couldn't talk long, but he told me he was going to just leave a message and didn't plan on talking to me. We kept it really short and he told me that he misses me and our son and that he was okay and has a roof over his head and we'll talk soon.
He called again today and had a bit more to say. He sounded a bit more clear of mind and apologized and said that he realizes that he's the only one responsible for the position that he's in. Although he does have a roof over his head for the moment, he cannot stay there much longer (maybe a month) and he still has no way of buying food or anything. The house where he is staying is a working house and he's expected to pay room and board - which at this time he cannot do, but since the "president" is a friend of his, he's kind of just helping him out for the time being. He is trying to get some assistance with food stamps to help get him back on his feet, but his application is currently caught up in the bureaucracy and he doesn't know if he is going to eat at all the next day. I told him I'm happy to help him fill out forms and make calls, but I have nothing to give him as far as money or food. We ended the call with some love and misses and he told me he had some things he had to do today and he'd be in touch soon.
A couple hours later, I get a call from his mother, crying hysterically. She said she is going to take him in. I asked what she was talking about and she said he has no where to go. I told her that I just spoke to him and he said that he could stay at least a few more weeks and was going to use that time to find somewhere else. On top of all of the stress about her son, she is also not a very healthy woman, having problems with her husband (they already live in separate apartments of the same building) and is, in general, not the perfect picture of sanity (but who is). So, she said she will take her son in to her TINY 1 bedroom apartment (really - it's barely 400 sq.ft. if that). I told her that although none of us want him out on the street, taking him into her home is NOT the best idea. She lives in a home that I originally thought was for the elderly, but is really more like a rehabillitation home (not in the substance abuse sense) and has residents who could possibly need nursing care around the clock. The residents vary in age from 30's to 90's and I believe it is also state subsidized as a low-income residence.
I know for a fact that a lot of shady dealings go on here. It is absolutely NOT the best environment for ABF, but she believes it is better than letting him be out on the street. I tried to explain to her that I did not have a choice in not taking him back as I am moving out of our apartment and back into my mother's home with my son at the end of the month. I obviously care what happens to him and I'm afraid that this is the worst thing she could do. One of her daughters told her that if it were her son, she would do the same thing and take him in. Now she wants me to talk to him - but I'm not sure what help I can offer and I honestly have no idea what she wants me to say.
I told her that he has a month in the sober house to try to change things and maybe she won't have to take him in at that point, but I honestly don't understand how I can help. For one thing, I'm already too involved and I feel like she's getting stuck in a rotten situation because I refuse to let him back here - but even if I didn't refuse - I just can't since I am moving out!
I told her to talk to one of her doctors or someone who can offer a fair opinion as I'm too involved. I'm just not sure what else to say. If she takes him in, that's her choice - but I don't want to be the one she comes to when she's having a meltdown about it. There is nothing I can do and it only makes me feel worse!
End rant (for now).
He called again today and had a bit more to say. He sounded a bit more clear of mind and apologized and said that he realizes that he's the only one responsible for the position that he's in. Although he does have a roof over his head for the moment, he cannot stay there much longer (maybe a month) and he still has no way of buying food or anything. The house where he is staying is a working house and he's expected to pay room and board - which at this time he cannot do, but since the "president" is a friend of his, he's kind of just helping him out for the time being. He is trying to get some assistance with food stamps to help get him back on his feet, but his application is currently caught up in the bureaucracy and he doesn't know if he is going to eat at all the next day. I told him I'm happy to help him fill out forms and make calls, but I have nothing to give him as far as money or food. We ended the call with some love and misses and he told me he had some things he had to do today and he'd be in touch soon.
A couple hours later, I get a call from his mother, crying hysterically. She said she is going to take him in. I asked what she was talking about and she said he has no where to go. I told her that I just spoke to him and he said that he could stay at least a few more weeks and was going to use that time to find somewhere else. On top of all of the stress about her son, she is also not a very healthy woman, having problems with her husband (they already live in separate apartments of the same building) and is, in general, not the perfect picture of sanity (but who is). So, she said she will take her son in to her TINY 1 bedroom apartment (really - it's barely 400 sq.ft. if that). I told her that although none of us want him out on the street, taking him into her home is NOT the best idea. She lives in a home that I originally thought was for the elderly, but is really more like a rehabillitation home (not in the substance abuse sense) and has residents who could possibly need nursing care around the clock. The residents vary in age from 30's to 90's and I believe it is also state subsidized as a low-income residence.
I know for a fact that a lot of shady dealings go on here. It is absolutely NOT the best environment for ABF, but she believes it is better than letting him be out on the street. I tried to explain to her that I did not have a choice in not taking him back as I am moving out of our apartment and back into my mother's home with my son at the end of the month. I obviously care what happens to him and I'm afraid that this is the worst thing she could do. One of her daughters told her that if it were her son, she would do the same thing and take him in. Now she wants me to talk to him - but I'm not sure what help I can offer and I honestly have no idea what she wants me to say.
I told her that he has a month in the sober house to try to change things and maybe she won't have to take him in at that point, but I honestly don't understand how I can help. For one thing, I'm already too involved and I feel like she's getting stuck in a rotten situation because I refuse to let him back here - but even if I didn't refuse - I just can't since I am moving out!
I told her to talk to one of her doctors or someone who can offer a fair opinion as I'm too involved. I'm just not sure what else to say. If she takes him in, that's her choice - but I don't want to be the one she comes to when she's having a meltdown about it. There is nothing I can do and it only makes me feel worse!
End rant (for now).
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Sounds like after he couldn't manipulate you for money, he went straight to his mother and it worked. They are very resourceful, aren't they? One thing I have learned is that I will never underestimate the resourcefulness and creativity of an addict not in recovery or not wanting to be.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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what is it again that prevents him from getting a job and paying his own way?????
his mother has the ability to say NO. she is for now choosing not too. mom's are like that. that is really between him and his mother.
his mother has the ability to say NO. she is for now choosing not too. mom's are like that. that is really between him and his mother.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Lovemeknow: I'd like to believe that isn't necessarily the case, but I know that I could be facing denial, still. I truly believe that he wants to be clean, but I think he is running into trouble finding quick and available resources. I can honestly say that I don't know much about how these things run around here, but while he was in detox he was in a "free bed" because he doesn't have insurance. If he had the insurance, he would've been able to go to a country club for 30 days, covered. And apparently, with EBT benefits being under such scrutiny for misuse in Massachusetts, even getting "emergency" benefits is proving difficult. I plan to research this later today and see how I can help. He at least needs to be eating. He's in a sober house in the meantime, going to meetings and talking with the other guys there, so I believe he's trying really hard to do the right thing.
She just called me again to tell me that he was with her and she was giving him food. It sounded like she was packing up bags and bags of food for him and he was refusing to take some. He said the sober house isn't what it used to be and no one there cares if he starves. None of the same people are there that used to be that he knew and had relationships with.
I just don't know why she keeps calling me? Honest to God, I have nothing left to give. I don't have a dollar in my bank account. I'm paying down bills as soon as I get my check and buying formula and food for my son. I've been bled dry and it sounds like I'm being cold, but I honestly have nothing to give. I just don't know what she wants me to say - and then she puts him on the phone and he's telling me how bad it is and that he's thinking of jumping off the Tobin Bridge. Ugh. Thankfully, I'm seeing my therapist tonight. I didn't think I'd have much to talk about this week, but that is quickly changing.
She just called me again to tell me that he was with her and she was giving him food. It sounded like she was packing up bags and bags of food for him and he was refusing to take some. He said the sober house isn't what it used to be and no one there cares if he starves. None of the same people are there that used to be that he knew and had relationships with.
I just don't know why she keeps calling me? Honest to God, I have nothing left to give. I don't have a dollar in my bank account. I'm paying down bills as soon as I get my check and buying formula and food for my son. I've been bled dry and it sounds like I'm being cold, but I honestly have nothing to give. I just don't know what she wants me to say - and then she puts him on the phone and he's telling me how bad it is and that he's thinking of jumping off the Tobin Bridge. Ugh. Thankfully, I'm seeing my therapist tonight. I didn't think I'd have much to talk about this week, but that is quickly changing.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
what is it again that prevents him from getting a job and paying his own way?????
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm already too involved
I told him I'm happy to help him fill out forms and make calls,
He's managing and manipulating those around him to get what he wants and get HIS needs met, period.
Now it's time for you to do the same and focus on YOU and your CHILD and moving.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by atalose
You can't have it both ways...and then complain about the chaos.
He's managing and manipulating those around him to get what he wants and get HIS needs met, period.
Now it's time for you to do the same and focus on YOU and your CHILD and moving.
He's managing and manipulating those around him to get what he wants and get HIS needs met, period.
Now it's time for you to do the same and focus on YOU and your CHILD and moving.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I just don't know why she keeps calling me? Honest to God, I have nothing left to give. I don't have a dollar in my bank account. I'm paying down bills as soon as I get my check and buying formula and food for my son. I've been bled dry and it sounds like I'm being cold, but I honestly have nothing to give. I just don't know what she wants me to say - and then she puts him on the phone and he's telling me how bad it is and that he's thinking of jumping off the Tobin Bridge.
He CAN work, he just doesn't want to. I'll bet you'd rather not work too, but guess what, we work to support ourselves and feed our children...small children...not grown men.
My guess is that unless you stop talking to these people, they will continue to upset you to the point of you making a very bad decision that is not in your best interest or that of your child.
Find yourself some peace, girl, you deserve it and you don't have to attend every sideshow you are invited to.
He will find his own way or he will continue to take advantage of others who can hardly take care of themselves. That's the sad part about addiction, active addicts don't care who they drain.
Grab some air girl and give yourself a break.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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and if I can help him get benefits that will keep him fed and with a roof over his head, why shouldn't I do that?
as i recall he was IN a sober house when you MET...3 years ago...and after everything YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM, where is he now? by gosh, right back in a sober house. still trying to get someone else to feed him, clothe him, fill out forms for him, basically give him a free ride.
look at the pattern, dear. and quit buying his sob story. his a big boy and is perfectly CAPABLE of taking care of himself...unless he can get someone else to do it that is............since you said no, he put the full court press on his poor mother......wonder what he'd do if SHE said no?
as i recall he was IN a sober house when you MET...3 years ago...and after everything YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM, where is he now? by gosh, right back in a sober house. still trying to get someone else to feed him, clothe him, fill out forms for him, basically give him a free ride.
look at the pattern, dear. and quit buying his sob story. his a big boy and is perfectly CAPABLE of taking care of himself...unless he can get someone else to do it that is............since you said no, he put the full court press on his poor mother......wonder what he'd do if SHE said no?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
and if I can help him get benefits that will keep him fed and with a roof over his head, why shouldn't I do that?
as i recall he was IN a sober house when you MET...3 years ago...and after everything YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM, where is he now? by gosh, right back in a sober house. still trying to get someone else to feed him, clothe him, fill out forms for him, basically give him a free ride.
look at the pattern, dear. and quit buying his sob story. his a big boy and is perfectly CAPABLE of taking care of himself...unless he can get someone else to do it that is............since you said no, he put the full court press on his poor mother......wonder what he'd do if SHE said no?
as i recall he was IN a sober house when you MET...3 years ago...and after everything YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM, where is he now? by gosh, right back in a sober house. still trying to get someone else to feed him, clothe him, fill out forms for him, basically give him a free ride.
look at the pattern, dear. and quit buying his sob story. his a big boy and is perfectly CAPABLE of taking care of himself...unless he can get someone else to do it that is............since you said no, he put the full court press on his poor mother......wonder what he'd do if SHE said no?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
as i recall he was IN a sober house when you MET...3 years ago...and after everything YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM, where is he now? by gosh, right back in a sober house. still trying to get someone else to feed him, clothe him, fill out forms for him, basically give him a free ride.
look at the pattern, dear. and quit buying his sob story. his a big boy and is perfectly CAPABLE of taking care of himself...unless he can get someone else to do it that is............since you said no, he put the full court press on his poor mother......wonder what he'd do if SHE said no?
look at the pattern, dear. and quit buying his sob story. his a big boy and is perfectly CAPABLE of taking care of himself...unless he can get someone else to do it that is............since you said no, he put the full court press on his poor mother......wonder what he'd do if SHE said no?
I don't believe that he's looking for a free ride. I think he's looking for some help when he most desperately needs it - and not from family, but from a program that will help him get back on his feet. Unfortunately, since his addiction led to him losing his job before he ever got insurance there, he doesn't have a whole lot of resources available to him.
I am no longer supporting him and he no longer lives under my roof or driving my car. He's gone through detox and is living in the sober house. He doesn't know where his next meal is coming from and is just trying to get a little assistance. I don't see how me doing a little research and filling out a couple of pieces of paper is doing anything bad. We're barely speaking at this point, but I would like to know that he is safe and not starving. Is that unrealistic or inappropriate ?
If his mother wants to take him in - that's her own thing. I told her that I cannot help there and that I wish she would reach out to someone for an unbiased opinion since mine is obviously very biased. I told her that I don't think she should let him into her home, but whatever she decides is up to her. That's her son and I can't stop her. I just know what I've done, I have done for the sake of me and my son.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
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Originally Posted by CFDMama
I meant that I was too involved to give her advice. I think my actions have spoken for themselves regarding where I stand on helping. However, I haven't stopped loving him or caring what happens to him - and if I can help him get benefits that will keep him fed and with a roof over his head, why shouldn't I do that?
Right now it sounds like he is playing the victim and is manipulating still. That doesn't speak recovery to me. Recovery cuts tbrough the bs and where there is will there is a way.
He says he looks like a bum. Why? He has a place to shower at and clean up so he can be presentable to look for work.
He is perfectly capable of filling out paperwork and applying for benefits himself. Enabling is doing for someone what they are capable of doing for themselves. He is ready having a hard time walking the path before him. Enabling him is to help cripple him.
He needs to do this on his own (no matter how pathetic he looks or sounds while doing it). He has to fight his way out of the pit with the same fervent strength that he used to feed his addiction he has to use for his recovery.
When we are trying to teach our baby to walk and the baby takes a step then falls. We don't take over and walk for the baby. The baby falls and we encourave the baby to get back up and take another step. He is a baby in his recovery he needs to learn how to.crawl before he walks, but if everyone jumps in and carries him to make things easier on him. This only hurt him.
Let go, let God and learn to trust the process
Hugs,
Passion
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by nytepassion
He is an addict. Did he need your help using? He was very resourceful in feeding his addiction all by himself. If he is serious about recovery he will find a way to walk in it.
Right now it sounds like he is playing the victim and is manipulating still. That doesn't speak recovery to me. Recovery cuts tbrough the bs and where there is will there is a way.
He says he looks like a bum. Why? He has a place to shower at and clean up so he can be presentable to look for work.
He is perfectly capable of filling out paperwork and applying for benefits himself. Enabling is doing for someone what they are capable of doing for themselves. He is ready having a hard time walking the path before him. Enabling him is to help cripple him.
THIS
There are plenty of resources out there that he can reach out too if he truly wanted help.. He could go to the library and get on a computer to fill out his EBT benefits.. Churches and the Salvation Army have food pantries that he can receive food from.. All he has to do is ask..
It doesn't matter if the rehab is for people without insurance or its as you put it a " Country Club" one.. If he wants to get sober he's going to put in the work and get sober.. But as long as he had people handing him things and "helping" him by doing things that he is capable of doing, why should he get clean.. He has no trouble finding drugs or finding the money for drugs so therefore he will have no trouble finding food or resources to get him back on his feet.. Addicts are very very resourceful and they don't need our help
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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I agree with the above posters if he wants to stay clean now might be a good time for him to see if the Salvation Army has any openings in his area.
Detaching can be so hard I see you have made good progress and I know we all have to do whatever we are comfortable with I also see you received comments from some of SR's recovered addicts IMO, they know what recovery and enabling look like.
Detaching can be so hard I see you have made good progress and I know we all have to do whatever we are comfortable with I also see you received comments from some of SR's recovered addicts IMO, they know what recovery and enabling look like.
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I just want to thank everyone for your comments. ABF's mom kind of put me through the ringer yesterday. I think I wasn't very clear in talking about what exactly was bothering me and I started to become frustrated with how the conversation was going, so I took some time, regrouped and with a little clarification and understanding from Ann, reread some of these posts. I know everyone here is posting with compassion and I thank all of you for that.
ABF called again this morning. Once again, he sounds very clear, and without the interference of his mother, we got some things straight:
- He is in fact trying to get into a holding. He spoke with another sober house and they told him that's what he needs to do for at least 30 days.
- He told me when he was at detox they put him on a methadone program. Since he left there he has not received anymore and does not want to. He says that he does not want to swap one addiction for another and wants to be free and clear completely.
- He is taking responsibility for everything. He did tell me that he's having a hard time getting motivated, but that he's making calls and doing what he can to get into the next step. Yes, he is worried about where he is going and he is hungry, but he has filled out forms for MassHealth, for EBT, etc and is doing his best to get by until something comes through. He is not asking me for any help, but saying that he knows he has to do this on his own and that he is really trying.
- He also told me that although he doesn't know how long he'll be able to stay, the sober house he is in right now is really where he needs to be. He said the other residents are taking him to meetings and talking with him and that he's really opening up about everything for the first time. He sounded clearer than he has in months. He told me that he doesn't want to see me or the baby yet - he needs more time (not that I had any intention of going to see him right now - just to be clear).
He was not aware that his mother had called me and been crying to me about all of her problems and he keeps asking her to not do that. He understands that I am packing up our apartment and am taking care of our son and knows that I have healing to do and he is ready to give us the space to do that - and the space for himself too.
I am not preaching about what a great guy he is - but I have to say that I am proud of his efforts so far, though I'm not giving him any pats on that back or anything.
ABF called again this morning. Once again, he sounds very clear, and without the interference of his mother, we got some things straight:
- He is in fact trying to get into a holding. He spoke with another sober house and they told him that's what he needs to do for at least 30 days.
- He told me when he was at detox they put him on a methadone program. Since he left there he has not received anymore and does not want to. He says that he does not want to swap one addiction for another and wants to be free and clear completely.
- He is taking responsibility for everything. He did tell me that he's having a hard time getting motivated, but that he's making calls and doing what he can to get into the next step. Yes, he is worried about where he is going and he is hungry, but he has filled out forms for MassHealth, for EBT, etc and is doing his best to get by until something comes through. He is not asking me for any help, but saying that he knows he has to do this on his own and that he is really trying.
- He also told me that although he doesn't know how long he'll be able to stay, the sober house he is in right now is really where he needs to be. He said the other residents are taking him to meetings and talking with him and that he's really opening up about everything for the first time. He sounded clearer than he has in months. He told me that he doesn't want to see me or the baby yet - he needs more time (not that I had any intention of going to see him right now - just to be clear).
He was not aware that his mother had called me and been crying to me about all of her problems and he keeps asking her to not do that. He understands that I am packing up our apartment and am taking care of our son and knows that I have healing to do and he is ready to give us the space to do that - and the space for himself too.
I am not preaching about what a great guy he is - but I have to say that I am proud of his efforts so far, though I'm not giving him any pats on that back or anything.
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