Weasel1966

It was like a placebo. Take this and you will feel better. It will take away the pain. Replace it with new. Make life seem...... Tolerable.

I expected someone who knew more than me to lead me to a place where i didn't want to drink anymore. I expected someone to fix things. Have answers. Bring me hope.

I sat in a room with dim lights. The flickering fluorescent bulb tapping out morse code to me.

"They don't know any more than you do" it read.... And I agreed.

I got up at break and said I was leaving. This isn't for me. I don't have a problem.

Next stop was a drug counselor. I masked it with the fact he was a family counselor. I was there to talk about how bad my childhood years were. Nothing to do with crack and booze. Nothing at all.

I expected him to know more than me. Lead me to a place where i didn't want to drink anymore. I expected him to fix things. Have answers. Bring me hope.

At my second rehab this light started to go on. I saw a pattern.

I thought they don't have to know more than me. Only I need to know me. Not them.

They are at a place they don't want to drink. That's theirs. I need to find mine.

No one can fix things for me. Only me.

The answers are different for each... So why not answer this myself?

Hope is from the inside. Not something we bargain for in trade. For me it's something I find in me. Not around me.

Two and a half rehabs. Three therapists. AA. AVRT. Life ring.

I can't reach for something if I don't want it.

I was shown a lot of things on this path of mine. The most important is that it starts with me. Not my counselor. Not my rehab buddies. Not anyone. I stay sober. Me.

mecanix

Way to Walk that walk K ,

Bestwishes, m

visch1

Excellent observation. I was given strong suggestions in AA that continued drinking will continue me down a difficult path. Finally after a couple years of "research" I was sick enough to follow directions of those with experience being sober. Being arrogant, un disciplined, and a natural know it all I was a slow learner. I had some remember whens I didn't want which helped me get honest with myself. I got to a lot of meetings and got involved as I was told to do, resisting but doing. Today quite a few years later I'm so used to beginners BS at times I get very frustrated and ask "how's it working for you?" I need to remember that I expect the struggling to act well. BE WELL

Carlotta

Great post Ken
Recovery does start within.
You have to want it and you have to work for it. In my case, getting more in touch with my spiritual side by meditating really helped too.
No one can "fix" you or give you recovery it's a very personal journey.
What others with more experience can do is point out some of the pitfalls along the path, share what worked for them and also give you loving support but at the end of the day, whether you stay sober or not is up to you.

Weasel1966

Visch1... Like my post says... I expected to be fixed. Flip side is we cannot see a newbie and fix them. A gentle coach seem to little at times. I unforgiving coach seems to much.

Middle ground in this is never something we can give. It is something people find on their own.... No matter how... No matter when... Just that they do.

I did. It took many many many... Etc... Tries. Many ways to see things.

I am having a good sober Tuesday. Hope you are to!

Weasel1966

I realized that sounded preachy.... It was not intended. Just that I hated the idea that no one could do this for me. That sucked in my mind.

wakko

We will have to address you by the Reverend Weasel from now on

Olive1

We could have a Weasel sermon every week.

Weasel1966

Lol you guys kill me. I need to say what I feel.... That's not preaching... That's hoping I am not alone!

I suspect I am not!

wakko

Reverend Weasel has kind of a ring to it. Your congregation now consists of brother Wakko and brother Ohta. I always listen to what you have to say because it is good stuff

Olive1

Reverend Weasel, I always enjoy what you have to say.

larrylive

Excellent insights,

So as they say in AA, how you going to carry the messege?

If you find the want/need/desire "recovery coaching" (CCAR) is an excellent way to work with others. No stigma, no dharma, no drama, just how can I help you stay on the path.

Be Well,
Larry

Soberpotamus

Great insight Thanks for sharing.

newpower

I know where your coming from with your post aa regab can make the path easier but you have to want to go on the journey in the first place. Otherwise you won't keep at it when it gets difficult. Keep moving forward and sharing insights. Thanks.

j Jason.

Olive1

You are not alone, Weasel.
Even though when I entered rehab, I knew I should probably not drink any more, ever, it wasn't until the third day that I realized that I was going to not be able to drink any more, ever. Not just probably. And then at about a week I realized how hard this was actually going to be. And then, when I got home, alone, with nothing stopping me from going to the liquor store, I realized it was me who had to stop me from going to the liquor store and to do the work. Deep breaths, and one day at a time.
You are not alone.

wakko

I had to be faced with my own mortality. I had to admit that if I did not quit drinking I was going to die. Death is not an academic exercise. I had to face my alcoholism up close and personal. It simply did not matter why I drank what mattered was how I could not drink. I finally surrendered and knew at a primal level
it was up to me to fix me.

Like2Hike

Thanks for another great post, Ken. One of the things I read here during my first sober days was "you own your sobriety". I didn't think much of it at the time but those meaningful words have resonated many times during the last 7 months.