Tryingtoletgo3

The past few days have been very hard on me emotionally for some reason. As my pregnancy winds down and my due date is just a few days away, I am finding myself extremely emotional and breaking down at the slightest of things. I have been struggling the past few weeks with STBXAH stalling the divorce. The loss has been painful enough in itself, but the fact that he is living with another woman is making it all that much worse and embarressing on top of it. His family has been going out of their way to make sure that any time anyone sees me in public they put on a big display about how wonderful his new fling is and how happy he is... he is living with an old ex of his and she is a drug addict who is married to a man currently in prison.... kudos on that love connection to him. Anyways, I can't figure out why he is stalling the divorce and I have stopped sitting around thinking about it trying to because all I was doing was driving myself crazy. All I know is that I want it to be finalized and over with. I know who he is, who he continues to choose to be.... but the pain seems to be coming back, stronger than ever before. I know logically that I don't want to be with him. I don't even want the dream of what he could have been anymore because I know that he will never be that person. Living without fear is wonderful. Not having holes in all of my walls from his rage is wonderful. Not having to circle the block to look for signs in the windows that he is drunk inside and if so find somewhere to take the kids instead of going home, is wonderful! Not having to go through him cheating constantly is wonderful. I have everything set up with my lawyer so that he will notify STBXAHs lawyer when the baby comes.... Everyone has assured me that this is the best route since it takes the stress off of me. I have this terrible, strong urge though, that when I go into labor I should let him know. Why? He won't come, won't care, won't even send an f'ing card..... So why do I still feel this horrible pull to involve him? I know in logic that all it will do is end up causing more upset for me when he doesn't make any effort to even acknowledge that a life he helped create is coming into the world. At this point, he has disappeared almost entirely, only showing up in a text every couple of weeks just to make it apparent that he is still there and to try to keep me dangling. When I stop and think about it, I am the one keeping myself dangling though...Every time I think I have reached a point where I have let go and have made a clean break, I sit down and feel this baby moving inside of me and I feel like I'm dying inside all over again.

LexieCat

I don't know how much "perspective" will help right now. You are a pregnant woman about to give birth, and that is going to affect you emotionally, whatever you know intellectually. And you seem to have a good grasp on reality.

Feelings aren't facts. The fact that you are feeling sad and torn right now is completely understandable, and I think if you weren't feeling strong emotions there would be something odd about you.

I think you have all the perspective and understanding you need. You just have to walk through this. Having a baby is painful, but the only way to get through it is to get through it. Same here, I think. I have a feeling that once the baby is born you will be so happy and involved with him or her that life will look a lot more hopeful and joyful.

Hugs, you can get through this.

YearForMe

In 1979...I was pregnant and also in the middle of a divorce.

Once my baby girl was born....dumb a** wasn't even a hint or a glimmer on
my radar.

Fast forward 34 years later....he's still a dumb a** drunk with his most recent DUI being
May of this year. I think that makes his 9th DUI

You just have these few days to think about things....
So...redirect your brain to the positive....

It's all about THE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing more...nothing less.

Congratulations Mama....

Tuffgirl

YearForMe makes a great point. What makes you think anything is going to change after you give birth from what it is right now?

And just because I have to ask...what kind of man leaves his pregnant partner to shack up with another woman? [insert bad words here in response]

I'd take that baby and run in the opposite direction if I were you. And focus on being a great Mom and nothing else right now.

Flicka57

Oh my gosh you poor thing. . .to be soon facing the birth of your child and your STBX & family throwing in your face how great his life is now. They sound like awful people but deep down they know how wrong this is. Your emotions are on a roller coaster right now & that is completely understandable. You have so many things on your plate right now. Your perspective needs to focus on the upcoming birth. Your divorce will go through--many men start to stall the divorce especially when the money issues start coming into play. Don't focus on a fast divorce--focus on making sure you get everything you need as far as spousal and child support. Your pain is understandable and with everything you are going through--you are doing a great job so be gentle on yourself because this is very painful---my thoughts are with you.

OnawaMiniya

It may be in part that you want to let him know you are in labor because it seems like the right thing to do even if the father is not your partner anymore. Unfortunately, in the world of alcoholism, these rules do not apply. There is no logic, nothing reasonable in his behavior. And you are right to make this as easy on you as possible. Remember he makes his choices. He hasn't given a bleep in the meantime, not on the surface, not enough or in a healthy enough way that you are obligated to anything besides your well-being and your baby's well being. I know that pregnancy brings on emotions. But stand strong with your logic. Your logic is like a good, smart friends right now, reminding you gently and with love that you and the baby are what is important. He will or won't get his bleep together. He will or won't come around. You know that he's not likely to anyway. Focus on what is important - and a raging, tantrum throwing self centered danger to you and your kids...Well, he's not important in your and your family's big picture.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Hold your head up proudly.

Peace.

nbay2013

Hi Trying; I feel such empathy for what you are going through; please keep writing here. I just wanted to comment on the above quote of yours. The pull you are feeling is because it's natural to all human beings to want to have the comfort of the father to take care of us during this hugely vulnerable time. You are experiencing the normal need to be protected and cared for. And your Ex is, in my opinion, mentally ill, and does not have those normal feelings a new father would be experiencing. So don't ever doubt your feelings. They are valid and real albeit painful.

Here we know the truth, and you are loved and are in our hearts and minds.

Love/hugs,

Carrie

spiderqueen

Trying:
I am so sorry for your painful situation. And also, congratulations on the impending arrival of Beautiful Baby!! I wanted to agree with others that your feelings of needing care, support and nurture are a gazillion times bigger than normal right now -- appropriately so.

I had that feeling with the birth of each of my girls, too -- and their dad was not an A, and was able to be there, holding my hand. Even so, I needed my mom, my girl friends, and even a "doula" (experienced birth helper who is female) very near in order to feel whole and ok. So please, reach out to all the beloved women in your life, rather than your ex, at this joyous, intense and *vulnerable* time. There will be plenty of time to notify him, once the baby arrives. My best wishes to you! SQ

Tryingtoletgo3

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I think part of what is making things so hard right now is that my STBXAH and I also have an 11 month old son and I have the memory of that birth still fresh in my mind. He was sober at the time and he was an amazing support during the labor and birth and days to come after. Our son was born blind and that knowledge and the surgerys and stress that followed were a big part of my AH slipping back into drinking. He simply couldn't cope and he lost himself once again. My mom and sister want to be there for the birth, but I have decided to go it alone. I feel strongly that I don't want anyone present for this one. It is my third and I am a very calm, cool, and collected natural laborer, so I know I don't need someone there. It just feels wrong sharing the birth with someone other than the person who helped create the life. I may change my mind when labor begins, but for now, I think it will be more of a moment of mourning that I have to get through before the joy can begin and that mourning is something that I need to face alone.

I wonder if there will ever be a day in his lifetime when he sobers up again and the realization hits him.....while the woman who loved and cherished him gave birth to his son, he was drunk in another state with a trashy addict. I doubt he will ever put the thought or care into it and that is a hard reality to have to hold in your heart. The hardest part though is the personal guilt that I feel over bringing children into the world with him. I knew better and now they are at risk for the rest of their lives for the pain that he inflicts on people.

There are so many things that I thought I knew about addiction prior to my STBXAH entering my life. I studied for years and worked with addicts/alcoholics daily....he changed my entire perspective though and nothing from a book can prepare you for the actual devastation an addict/alcoholic can bring to your life. The biggest bit of wisdom I am taking away from this experience though, that I wish I could pass to every woman involved with their own addict/alcoholic...Dont have children with them!

NYCDoglvr

I hope you can let go of him and his family. While the anger and resentment are understandable, it's time to put the focus on this new life emerging soon. Maybe it helps to notice that neither he or his family care about you in the slightest while you obsess about them. You are blessed to have such a wonderful event ahead of you. Congratulations.

Tryingtoletgo3

Well, 2 nights ago I received a long text from stbxah saying he wants me to know he hasnt left the state. He said he isnt with another woman and told me how wonderful of a job i am doing with our son.... today i get a call from a friend of his mothers congratulating me for him moving back.... what the hell is going on? Does he really think i am that stupid ? This is why he has been stalling the divorce isnt it? So for anyone who knows....if he filed the initial divorce paperwork and decides not to follow through, how do i get the divorce finalized? Do i have to file again or can it proceed without his ok? I live in a no fault state for divorce....im so tired of all of this. He put in his text that he is working hard to do the best thing for all of us. It took every bit of will power i had to not reply!

LexieCat

Since he filed, I think if you want it to go forward without his cooperation, you will have to file it yourself. I'm not aware of any situations that allow the defendant/respondent in a divorce action (that would be you, in the case that he filed) to prevent a plaintiff (that would be him) from withdrawing a case or letting it drop.

If I were you, I'd chill until after the baby is born. Then either talk to a lawyer about filing, yourself, or file a pro se (where you represent yourself) divorce complaint. I really recommend that you have a lawyer involved because of the kids--particularly your disabled son.

Hugs, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Tryingtoletgo3

Thanks Lexie. I emailed my lawyer to see what we can do and he says after the baby comes we will take it in front of the judge and see what happens. Worst case scenario, we start over or the judge refuses to order professionally supervised visitation moving forward. It is all very frustrating. I know he wants the divorce like I do, so its hard to not drive myself crazy trying to figure out whatvkindof game he is playing. Thats a pointless task though, so for now Im focusing on getting this little overdue womb monster to come out and maintaining no contact and self peace.