erilell

Hi, Everyone! I have lived with alcoholism in some way, shape, or form for as long as I can remember: father, mother, step-fathers, step-mother, uncles, grandfathers, grandmother, brothers, sisters, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and 2 husbands. While there were definitely periods of my life from my teens to now when I used alcohol excessively, I've never "classified" myself as an alcoholic. I am recently divorced from my second alcoholic husband and now in a new relationship with another career alcoholic who is newly recovering as of 7-21-2013.

The more research I do to try and help him and myself through this major change in his life (which believe it or not, I've never really done for anyone before) the more I am starting to realize that I have engaged in most if not all of the same behaviors over my lifetime. I would justify my drinking because it was what I needed in order to "handle" or "deal with" the alcoholics in my life. I have not touched a drop since a few days into my SO’s last, ugly, 10 day bender (which ended up costing him his job and a few friends) so I suppose I can be considered recovering as well. Luckily, though I do miss drinking socially, I have never really struggled with my own abstinence like a typical RA …and, yes, I know that no one is 'typical' really, but I use the word for the sake of example.

To share a little about our current state of affairs, my SO has been drinking steadily and heavily since he lost his mother to Lymphoma at age 39 in 1991. She was bipolar, an alcoholic, and also physically abusive to him and his siblings throughout his childhood. She was buried on his 21st birthday. He has never really dealt with this loss in any kind of healthy way but it is the one thing that he would always pour his heart out to me about when he/we was/were drunk. This vulnerability was one of the things that drew me to him in the first place but now that he has made the decision to stop, he has expressed that he is terrified that he won't be himself anymore and won't know how to live this "new life" that he is choosing. To add some extra sprinkles to the ice cream, he's also extremely bipolar and un-medicated (hence the alcohol abuse) so it has always especially difficult for him to cope with life in general, let alone without alcohol.

I have no problem sticking by him through this and I realize that it's going to be hella hard for me as well. I recognize that, in the past, I have obviously been extremely co-dependent and enabling but after my most recent divorce I have vowed never to be that person again. I came here looking mostly for secular approaches for recovery and support for the both of us I guess. Right now, I am finding that my biggest challenge is how much and how suddenly he has withdrawn from me both emotionally and physically. He still kisses and hugs me and tells me he loves me about as much as he always has but sex has completely stopped and he no longer talks about his mother or his childhood at all …or anything else significant, for that matter. He has admitted only one time so far that he was having a hard time abstaining. I am trying to keep him busy or distracted and not to press the issue and I have been reading tons of material to try and truly understand how this change is affecting him and our relationship. I am doing my best to remember that I must tread carefully and be hyper-aware of what my SO is going through and not to take his actions (or lack thereof) personally.

I didn’t mean for this to get so long but it is nice to know that there is somewhere I can go for words of encouragement or to vent if I need to.

If you got this far, thanks for listening!

LuLu13

Welcome and thanks for telling your story. I cannot help much since I am the addict and have never been in your shoes but I am sure others will jump in. Here is a link to the forum on secular recovery options, there is some good information.

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You might also want to check out the friends and family forum.

Good luck to your SO and remember to care for yourself!

hypochondriac

I think this is true of anyone who drinks which is why it is hard sometimes being around 'normal' drinkers, because they use the exact same excuses we do. My brother in law shouldn't really drink for health reasons but he insists he needs it to unwind after a stressful day. I tried to explain to my sis that alcohol doesn't help you relax it makes you drunk and that I used to say the same thing, but she just accepted his excuse. He isn't an alcoholic but I am not sure it really matters.

I think it's wonderful that you are quitting with him, so many people would say 'well I don't have a problem so I don't have to' which is besides the point really. I really think it is difficult for normal drinkers to give up alcohol as well as recovering alcoholics.

Regarding the emotional side, I have heard that it is fairly common for recovering alcoholics to loose their libido. It is a huge transition and things will right themselves in time. If you are looking for secular recovery information you could do worse than looking into AVRT (Rational Recovery) and SMART recovery.

Welcome to SR x

erilell

Unfortunately, I've been reading the same things about the libido change and I get it but it's been pretty difficult for me which of course makes me feel like I am being selfish. I really miss the closeness that we had before and I am being patient but it is definitely not easy!

Also, I have run across some great info from and about SMART but couldn't find anything tangible in our area. I am really hoping that we can find an actual non-AA group that he can attend. I will look into AVRT now.. Thanks!

hypochondriac

Look for Lifering meetings too x

erilell

I am loving the AVRT approach...now if I can just get him to read it... :P