tate9685

Two issues going on in my life: 1) I have been living with my alcoholic boyfriend who admits he has a problem but is not really ready to quit. We have an agreement that he will not drink at home and if he gets really wasted, I have asked him not to come home in that condition, for a few reasons...mainly because he falls down, breaks things unintentionally, cooks and leaves the stove on and basically wakes me up at all hours with it. So, he has stayed out all night a few times but has told me that he is staying out with friends. Recently, he has been going out a lot more and last week he told me he would be late coming home but then when I woke up for work the next morning he wasn't in. AND the big problem with me is that he didn't even text me to tell me he was not coming home, and/or that he was o.k. Meanwhile, I am trying to get sober. I know this is not an ideal situation. So, this last time, I told him that we should take a break and he can stay with the folks he spent the night with...(he says a male friend) or he can move back in with his Mom for awhile. He didn't want a break and said that he would stop going out...but I know it is not easy to just quit. I didn't see him at all this week. I enjoyed stretching out in my own bed, getting a good night's sleep and the space I have had, but I do miss him at times and get a panicky feeling when I think about us breaking up. Pros and Cons: Pro: He and I share a lot of the same interests, he's a great listener when I need an ear, he loves to cook and makes my lunch to take to work, makes dinner and he is always complementing me in little ways. He is my best friend and I miss talking to him. Cons: He is unemployed...but looking...but may be unemployable due to his arrests from Drunk in Public..(numerous) and 1 DUI, he also doesn't have a driver's license due to this and doesn't have a car or money...etc. I am not with him for money obviously, and he is a bit immature at times, because he is so much younger than me so that kind of goes with the age difference thing. I am not sure what I am asking or what I want feedback on. I am just starting to feel extremely lost, lonely and afraid that our relationship is going to end permanently. I was alone for many years before I met him (in a bar) and going from having a best friend to being alone...SUCKS. I spent so much time on Issue 1 I am not even going to go into my other problem in this thread. Thanks anyone for your thoughts or shared experiences.

Lightning Bug

Maybe putting some distance and time between you will help your sobriety. Can he go home to his Mom for a bit?

Anna

It sounds like you'd prefer to have some time apart, at least for awhile.

You don't need to make a permanent decision necessarily, but maybe giving yourself some space for awhile is what you need.

Bubovski

As you both seem to have drinking problems you might consider the option of a shared sobriety.
I drank for decades imagining there was little more to life than this form of escape.
Now with AA I have found many formerly unrealised pleasures.

tootsl1

I feel that if your sobriety is as important to you as it appears to be, you do not need the drama at the moment. I agree that it seems putting the relationship on hold makes sense. It may be that if you are ready to sober up and he isn't, the relationship would flounder anyway. When one is sober but not the other, you notice the differences more than the things you have in common. Good luck

tate9685

Our time apart should help my sobriety but I do feel like numbing the pain of separation and being uncertain about the relationship by drinking. I am fighting the fight though.

Mizzuno

I like the popcorn pleasure.

Back to the issue at hand: The suggestion to take some time apart seems appropriate. It sounds like you are moving into another direction with your life, and your BF is not motivated to make such a change.
I understand the grieving over a lost relationship. This is a part of it, and completely natural. You are not alone though. I hope you know that. Keep coming here and posting. We are here for support.

Oh, and time apart may not mean the end of a relationship. It may mean "time apart"

Dee74

Hi tate

I don't think anyone should make relationship decisions based on the fear that everything might end and we'll be alone. Thats just ungrounded fear.

Sometimes we need to focus on ourselves.

If you think you need space, then take that space - it might be good for the both of you?

D

Eleni58

This might sound brutal, but I think he is very unhealthy for you at this point. I see this relationship going nowhere unless he quits drinking. Also, if he's not working, who is paying for his booze?

It's hard to let go of someone you still love, but it may be the best decision you ever make! I am sure there are plenty of other guys out there that are stable and share the same interests as you AND would cook for you!

tate9685

Thanks. I like the popcorn pleasure too. Big fan. Thank you for addressing the loneliness and grieving process. Like you said it is time apart now and maybe not the end, but what I really want is to put myself and my sobriety first even though it is uncomfortable and lonely at times.

tate9685

Eleni58 Thank you for your comments. You are not being brutal. I get it and its the truth. And it is sad. I hate sad. I don't do well with sad at all. Sad seems to consume me and even though I am on antidepressants, I get very down to the point of not wanting to get out of bed unless I have to go to work. But, if that is what it takes...I mean I have to...strike that WANT to desperately stay sober. Thank you all for your support.