Tawna

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. You know that fairy tale all little girls have of meeting their Prince Charming and living happily ever after? I'm pretty sure it didn't end with the princess crying while submitting a post in a forum for alcoholics. But here I am.

The Coles notes version of me:

3 children (21, 19, 15) - married young divorced young
Grew up with an alcoholic father til my mother kicked him out when I was 12 (one of the happiest days of my life)
No issue with alcohol myself - a bottle of wine sometimes sits on my cupboard for months at a time.

I met said Prince Charming a year ago today. A year ago today. For the first few months he was able to fool me (or I was able to kid myself) with regard to his alcoholism. Four months ago he admitted he was an alcoholic. Progress right? Two months ago he went on a bender and I left him. When he sobered up he went to his employer and told them he needed help. They fully supported him and set him up with an addiction counsellor. He made a real effort for about a week. He proposed to me (let's just not talk about the stupidity of me saying yes). Then things went to hell in a hand basket again.

He's fully functioning, holds down a good job, looks after two kids (he's a widow) but drinks almost every night. And when he drinks vodka he gets mean.

So I ended it yesterday. Told him I was done with the verbal abuse and the alcohol. He doesn't take no very well. Last night there were 14 calls and 9 drunken voicemails. Today there are emails - true to alcoholics his unhappiness is my fault because I nag him. It makes me want to wrap my hands around his threat and choke him until he sees the stupidity of such a thing. As I sit here typing this the emails are coming in fast and furious from him. I'm just not engaging. I'll pay for that tonight when he gets drunk and shows up at my door. No, I'm not in danger of physically being harmed but boy can he fight and argue. He would fight with himself when he's drunk (and has).

I titled this post Advice Needed but as I put it all out there I realize I don't need advice - I know what I have to do. It's having the strength to do it that's the kicker right?

Someone had posted in another post "What do you get out of the relationship"? DF is an incredible man sober - I haven't done laundry since shortly after meeting him. (Widowed for 6 years he's a better housekeeper than most women) He's generous to a fault. When he's sober he's my best friend. And that small part of me that still has hope can't seem to let that go. I hate this disease so much it makes me want to tear my hair out. That whole paragraph is the codependency coming out isn't it?

Thank you for letting me vent. I would really appreciate any advice on how to handle the fallout of ending things with DF. It's going to be a long road before I have peace in my life again I'm afraid.

Florence

Hi and welcome! SR is a great resource, keep posting, keep reading.

Consider going No Contact for a good length of time to let him figure it out. Block his emails, block his phone number. Nothing he needs to say to you is *that* urgent.

skella99

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have dealt with an alcoholic exbf and currently have an AD.

When I receive(d) phone calls from them and I can tell they are drunk, I repeat, I will talk to you only when you are sober, and I hang up.

I usually dont hear back from my daughter when she is sober. The exbf would contact me when he was sober to apologize and beg me to take him back. I would tell him that I would not take him back, but that he needed to find help.

It was/is very hard because they go back and forth between being mean, nasty and hateful to crying, begging and pleading. I have learned that you cant reason with a drunk person and rarely can reason with an alcoholic who is unwilling to seek treatment. So my answers or responses are simple, to the point and not open for discussion.

BlueSkies1

Who says you have to answer phone calls, emails, or the door?
Take back your power.
Stand firm.
Get it together dude, and don't come knocking around here until you have for a long time.
Then silence. No contact.
He can decide what he wants to do with his life.
You get to decide what you want to do with yours!

Recovering2

First of all, congratulations on following through with the decision to not tolerate the drinking and abuse. So many of us put up with it for years on end.
Of course he's going to react, and that's okay. The A can have their reaction, it doesn't obligate us to change our path or respond to them. You have made it clear. I would also go No Contact. Block him from text/email/phone. He would need a good year of sobriety before I would entertain having a conversation again, and he's not anywhere near that. If you talk to him now, you're going to get either (1) blamed or (2) the quacking of "I'll get sober". If he's showing up at your door uninvited, you may need to get a restraining order. Sounds harsh, but your boundaries need to be respected.

Are you going to Alanon? You would get a lot of support as you move forward from here.

honeypig

Would just like to second the recommendation to check out Alanon sooner rather than later. You may not like or agree with every single thing you hear, but it's a darn good starting place.

Here's a link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ , just click on "Find a Meeting" to access the meeting directory. You can also find telephone or online chat meetings if you live in the back end of nowhere.

Here's a link within SR here to let you know what to expect and what others have experienced http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

Wishing you strength and clarity; hoping you find as much comfort and inspiration here as I have.

Tawna

Thank you. For your words of support. Everyone.

He's been drunk every evening this week. Each time he called I said I will speak to you when you're sober and ended the call.

He emailed today. He sobers up long enough to go to work. I agreed to meet him at his workplace. The usual happened - promises to get help, apologies. Tears. I think it shocked him that I stood my ground - that the manipulation didnt work this time. I handed him back hhis engagement ring, told him I loved him but I couldn't stand by and let him destroy me and I left him standing in the middle of the parking lot crying.

I hate this disease so very much. Does anyone ever get better - is there hope at all for him?

My heart is broken right now. Like all codependents all I want to do is fix him, knowing that I can't. Only he has the power to do that. My head knows its right....my heart feels as though I'm abandoning him. Wishing right now my head would kick my heart in the ass.

I'm checking into al anon meetings and rereading Codependant NoMore.

stella27

Are you willing to date an abusive alcoholic?

Then as long as he is not in recovery, what is there to talk about?

honeypig

Tawna, you are doing GREAT--big huge hugs to you. You are doing exactly what you need to for yourself and for him. Alcoholics DO get better, absolutely, but only when they have made up their own minds to do the work. People here and at your Alanon meetings can tell you about A's with 20, 30, 40 years of sobriety. It CAN be done. You will also hear heartbreaking stories about those who never got sober.

You are doing so well to be reading Codependent No More and checking out Alanon. It takes courage to admit that it's not just the A who is sick, and to go find help for yourself.

Sorry you're suffering so much right now, but this will pass, eventually. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, keep reading, get to Alanon and post when you need to. Hang in!

wiscsober

Tawna

amy55

Hi Tawna,

Glad you didn't buy his BS today. You are doing really good.

It hurts, and it will hurt for awhile, but it will hurt a lot less then if you are still with him.

I just also wanted to point out that verbal abuse and alcoholism are two different things. Even if he were to stop drinking, there would still be the other.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you and your 3 children. You can do this.

funkynassau

I'm happy to hear you gave him back his ring and made it clear you are done. If he cries, he cries. The only person you can control is yourself and so far you are doing a great job!

I agree, block his emails and phone calls, change your email addy and phone # if you have to. Dont be afraid to continue to stand your ground. Best off to avoid him, really. Work on you, making your life the way you want it. He can get better if he really wants to and will put in the work to do so. You cant do it for him, only he can do it.

Best wishes!