fedupbeyondall

It's funny how the simplest of sentences can be so profound. On another post someone commented,

Unfortunately we don't get paid back with interest for all our sacrifices on the altar of addiction.

That got me to thinking. I've spent the last several years of my marriage tallying up all the various things I do my my AH. I won't go into detail but I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. I've spent a lot of time thinking how I will make him "repay" me for all my tasks. Then I saw this comment. It hit me. Wow, I'm quite the martyr huh? What right do I have exactly to expect repayment of any form? He never asked me to engage in my codie behavior, certainly has never really wanted it. In fact probably resents me for a lot of it.

It's made me start to let go of my tally. If the AH should ever decide to seek recovery it won't help matters if I keep this debt over his head. If he should not decide, or I decide I've had enough before he gets to that decision, it may help me in deciding to leave. But past that, it isn't good for much. So, thank you PRAVCHAW for your insightful words. I still have no idea where I'm going on this roller coaster but thanks to you, I have a bit more information to help me along my way.

LexieCat

I agree, that was an awesome line, and this is an awesome post.

WONDERFUL when those lightning-like insights hit--sometimes a little painful, but they represent tremendous progress and point the way to places where we can concentrate our recovery efforts.

FireSprite

That was a tough one for me too - and then once I truly "saw" it I could see all the extra weight I had burdened myself to carry by keeping these mental tabs and all the energy I had wasted "keeping score". It also helped me understand the whole "my side vs your side of the street" thing.

It was a difficult habit to change, but so totally worth it!

wicked

Thank you so much fedup. That line had me thinking too.
Reminded me that no one owes me anything, especially for MY behavior.
The choices I made in my codependent mind. (martyr is the word)

I understand holding it to make a decision (to stay or go) but there is no pay back.
I could build up some mighty resentments expecting pay back too.
But, I do have to remember the reality of what happens when I "help".

I can decide to help or support and then let it go.
I am talking about my grown son, but the history of his going back is so long,
well, I have to be realistic.
I take it one day at a time.


Yep, love that quote about sacrifices.
and I am so glad you quoted florence about resenting the hardware store!

LOL, gotta stop going there and being mad they don't have bread.

Beth

fedupbeyondall

I think it really comes down to, do I want to stay angry and bitter over things I was never asked to do or let it go? Much like my AH, BTW. Many of our arguments come from him not feeling like I appreciate his efforts for things when I just say thank you. Then I have to remind him, no one asked him to do (insert martyr like chore here), and my saying thank you should really be enough. Time to follow my own advice.

pinkdog

Wow, what a great insight. Awesome is right!

wicked

another bonk on MY head. Geez.

thank you fedupbeyondall for sharing this.

Beth

fedupbeyondall

I've had several of those today. I don't like to suffer alone HAHAHA

fedupbeyondall

Another ahha moment, or bump on my head, came over the weekend. I had decided that I needed to talk to him about something he did on Saturday morning. He decided to wake me up at 7AM, Saturday is my only day to sleep in so being woken up so early annoyed me to say the least, especially since he went right to sleep shortly after. Anyways, I told him it bothered me when he sat upu all night drinking and then decides to wake me up at 7am. He responded with, "I wasn't drunk, stop blaming everything on alcohol." I responded with "So then, you're just an a55hole? You realize neither of those reasons are actually acceptable right?" I saw a glimmer of "understanding" in his eyes. It was brief, but it was there.

The reality of that conversation is that, whatever the reasons behind the behavior, unacceptable is unacceptable. I probably wouldn't care so much that he drinks if he didn't act like a jerk when he does it. So, why does it matter what the reason is as to why he's a jerk?

wicked

bwahahahaha! Yes! exactly, and I admire your ability to have that moment when
he woke you up so early. On your only day to sleep in.

Unacceptable is unacceptable no matter what.
Drinking is unacceptable by itself.
It makes him unavailable as a partner in your lives.
He behaves thoughtlessly.
Alcoholism is progressive and that is why it matters he is a jerk.