tigerlily

I am a 29 yr old female. I mat a 35 yr old male in rehab who I still stay in contact with because he is a huge insperation to me. We have alot in common and we both enjoy our talks together and the support that we get from each other. He isin a troubled marriage with 5 kids and I am in a long term relationship taht i am unhappy with ( i have 1 child) This man and i are just friends but my boyfriend FREAKS out whenever I mention his name, which i quit doing, but I do talk to him on the phone and recently went to see him in the halfway house that he is in now. My boyfriend talked to him on the phone and " let all feelings be know in a civilized manner" and admitted that they probably have alot in common. My BF is still freaking out about the situation. He doesnt think that I should have male friends in recovery, even though he still smokes pot. I know that having a male sponsor is BAD but are male friends bad too?

Pony

IMO, NO....but, you do have to be very careful that it stays with the boundries of friendship...which can be difficult when two people are close and supportive and each having a troubled relationship. You have to be extremely clear and honest about where you both are in relationship to each other so that one or the other doesn't misinterpret anything. As for your partner's, well, jealousy and control issues play a big part in any male/female friendship that they are not a part of. That is really something that is a judgement call within your own relationship with your b/f. Is it just this male friend or is it any male friend you have or may have.....??? Something to think about. Weighing out the priorities of your relationships.

Does that help any??? Good luck. Is not an easy place to be stuck.

Ann

I think it is perfectly fine to have male friends, in recovery or even those who never had an addiction issue. I have male and female friends, as does my husband, and many of these friends are friends to both of us. But I also have a happy healthy relationship with my husband and make no mystery that I am not available on any level other than frienship.

Something I see in your relationship though, is that you and your friend are each lacking something in your relationships with your partners. Be careful of that. What appears to be friendship could really be you each filling an emotional void for each other, and that can often lead to a relationship that is built on nothing except need, and that is not healthy either.

I'm not saying not to be friends, but I am saying to be careful and examine your motives.

I think we are incapable of healthy relationships until we are happy within ourselves and content with who we really are. "Needy" relationships can be very codependent, and only brings a bandaid solution to a deeper problem.

My suggestion would be to examine your reasons for staying in a bad relationship, and if you choose to stay then decide what you need to to for yourself to make it healthier. The person who holds the key to your happiness is YOU, and that is hard for most of us to accept. We look to others to make us happy, when we really need to look deep inside ourselves.

This is just my opinion, but I hope it helps a little.

Hugs
Ann

namommy

The NA basic text says "the broader our base, the higher our point of freedom"

Meaning, meet alot of different people, our diversity is our strength. Just be very careful not to cross the line of friendship. Set boundaries, make them clear and known, and don't allow anyone, including yourself, to cross them.

As far as your relationship, your partner may not be able to understand new friendships that are forged in recovery, talk to him.

And, as far as the BF, he still uses and probably feels threatened by you having other friends in recovery. He may be afraid of losing your friendship to this other person. Again, talk to him.

Honest, open communication is important.

Hope this helped.

Laurie D.