I went back....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 3
I went back....
I went back to my husband. I moved out of state to be with him. I moved away from my adult daugther's, left my job, gave up the health care program I was on through the county that paid 100% of my medical/dental because I had a part-time job that qualified me.
It's been about 3 week that I've been back with him. The first 2 weeks were good. We were staying with a friend of his and he was sweet as can be. Affectionate, telling me how lucky he was that I came back and realizing the sacrifices I made to be with him. He had just started a new job welding and his employer told him there was endless amounts of work. We just moved into an apartment and soon after there was no work. The project dried up due to lack of financing from the client and my husband has been out of work for almost a week. His employer tells him there are other projects but doesn't know when. We have rent, partial deposit, phone bills, gas and electric due in less than a week and I am starting to freak out. He has no savings. I have savings and am afraid to cover all of these expenses. It will take all that I have and that scares me a lot.
My husband's drinking started up again 2 days into our new place. He went to run an errand and when he came back he was incoherent, glassy eyed, had the fish face (pursed lips), then passed out in the chair. I went outside to sit and collect my thoughts and heard a loud crash. I found him on the floor, coffee cup knocked over with coffee spilled everywhere. He laid there for almost 2 hours then got up like everything's fine. Denies drinking, said he was just tired. I told him tired people don't pass out like that but after 6 years together I know when he drinks because that's what happens. He still denies drinking.
He's been sober only 1 day in the last 5. He's being verbally abusive to me when he's drunk. I've been extremely anxious. He asks me what wrong when I look sad then when I tell him why he says nothing. I asked him why even ask if I tell you yet get nothing in return and his answer is I answered his question. I've been told lies where he goes and I know this is so he can go down to the corner market to get his alcohol.
Today he started in on me again with the criticism, and saying things that didn't make any sense. I told him I was going to the library and the grocery store and I get accused of going out to get some other guy. He kept picking on me and I got angry. He asked why I came back. I told him it was because he said it would all be different, and I'm finding out he's the same drunk, ******* I left before.
I feel bad for saying that, but I can only take so much. I gave up so much to be back with him, and now I have the same stressful life I had before when I was with him, but now I am 1300 miles away from my daughter's whom I miss terribly, I have no job. I'm sad, lonely and scared what the future holds here with him.
He's been going to AA everyday, which is something he's never done before. Says he really likes it and is getting a lot out of it. That's great, but he's still drinking, still in denial he's drinking, lying to me and being a bully.
It's been about 3 week that I've been back with him. The first 2 weeks were good. We were staying with a friend of his and he was sweet as can be. Affectionate, telling me how lucky he was that I came back and realizing the sacrifices I made to be with him. He had just started a new job welding and his employer told him there was endless amounts of work. We just moved into an apartment and soon after there was no work. The project dried up due to lack of financing from the client and my husband has been out of work for almost a week. His employer tells him there are other projects but doesn't know when. We have rent, partial deposit, phone bills, gas and electric due in less than a week and I am starting to freak out. He has no savings. I have savings and am afraid to cover all of these expenses. It will take all that I have and that scares me a lot.
My husband's drinking started up again 2 days into our new place. He went to run an errand and when he came back he was incoherent, glassy eyed, had the fish face (pursed lips), then passed out in the chair. I went outside to sit and collect my thoughts and heard a loud crash. I found him on the floor, coffee cup knocked over with coffee spilled everywhere. He laid there for almost 2 hours then got up like everything's fine. Denies drinking, said he was just tired. I told him tired people don't pass out like that but after 6 years together I know when he drinks because that's what happens. He still denies drinking.
He's been sober only 1 day in the last 5. He's being verbally abusive to me when he's drunk. I've been extremely anxious. He asks me what wrong when I look sad then when I tell him why he says nothing. I asked him why even ask if I tell you yet get nothing in return and his answer is I answered his question. I've been told lies where he goes and I know this is so he can go down to the corner market to get his alcohol.
Today he started in on me again with the criticism, and saying things that didn't make any sense. I told him I was going to the library and the grocery store and I get accused of going out to get some other guy. He kept picking on me and I got angry. He asked why I came back. I told him it was because he said it would all be different, and I'm finding out he's the same drunk, ******* I left before.
I feel bad for saying that, but I can only take so much. I gave up so much to be back with him, and now I have the same stressful life I had before when I was with him, but now I am 1300 miles away from my daughter's whom I miss terribly, I have no job. I'm sad, lonely and scared what the future holds here with him.
He's been going to AA everyday, which is something he's never done before. Says he really likes it and is getting a lot out of it. That's great, but he's still drinking, still in denial he's drinking, lying to me and being a bully.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's only been three weeks. I think if I were you I'd move back home and try to get my old job back. I actually DID that, myself, when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. My old job took me back, I moved back across the country, and was grateful to have done that. The sooner you do it, the easier it would be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I'm sad, lonely and scared what the future holds here with him.
This is not good for you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
Such a short time has gone by, like a long vacation, change back to your good life.
This one with him will never get better.
Going to AA and still getting drunk. Still drunk.
Use your savings to take care of YOU and only YOU!
Please go back to live near your daughter.
Beth
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RLF, my thoughts are the same as above. I believe an immediate move back to your daughter's place. The way I look at it--you have just learned a valuable lesson about the nature of alcoholism. He doesn't seem anywhere close to wanting sobiety--and you have nothing but abuse to l ook forward to.
When you do get back home--if you decide to do so (and i pray that you do)--alanon can help you with your recovery.
Please hang around this forum and learn all that you can--because education is one of the first steps to regaining your life. There is a wealth of education here.
I am glad that you came here. It is completely up to you to attend to your own welfare--do not look toward your husband for anything!!
dandylion
When you do get back home--if you decide to do so (and i pray that you do)--alanon can help you with your recovery.
Please hang around this forum and learn all that you can--because education is one of the first steps to regaining your life. There is a wealth of education here.
I am glad that you came here. It is completely up to you to attend to your own welfare--do not look toward your husband for anything!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
I agree RLF, your post cries out that you do too, take care of you and go back to your daughter and your job and your life. Only 3 weeks in, what you describe is not an ok way to treat you and you need to take care of yourself because it won't get better. Hugs to you, how heartbreaking this must be.
I know you had high hopes or you would t have left so much. Go back there sweet pea, at there for you.
I know you had high hopes or you would t have left so much. Go back there sweet pea, at there for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Don't use your savings to help support an A, use it to get back to a safe healthier place for YOU. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but there is nothing you can do about what's already happened. You CAN decide to do something moving forward however. So you tried, can't fault you for that. Now you know, he's not ready. That's okay, call your daughter and let her know you're coming home. Talk with your old employer...you never know what might work out. You'll be okay....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
I agree with everyone above, get yourself away from him and go back to your hometown and be near your daughter. See if you can get your job back. What you are doing right now is not healthy and will likely get worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
At least you won't have to wonder the rest of your life, 'what if.' Now you know.
In your place I would be on the phone to my old boss today, saying I am returning home for good and asking if there is any possibility of having the job back. I would pack what I could carry and leave, right now.
In your place I would be on the phone to my old boss today, saying I am returning home for good and asking if there is any possibility of having the job back. I would pack what I could carry and leave, right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
RLF, I'm so sorry you're in this situation but please take care of yourself and let your daughters be a help to you. Right now you have choices to either listen to explanations of why he's not drinking or actually seeing the actions of his drinking. We codies need to keep looking at the actions and not the words that come out of their mouth. If you go back to where you came from it doesn't mean that your husband can not choose to go into recovery and someday be with you, but in the meantime you will be taking care of you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Let me just add this. There is no dishonor in finding out you made a mistake, admitting it, and making it right.
That old line about making your bed and now lying in it has caused untold pain over the years--mostly to women. Nobody ever seems to say that to men, for some reason. They just suck it up and change course and nobody criticizes them for it.
Same here. Suck it up, it turned out to be a bad decision. We all make them now and then. Don't punish yourself for it, fix it.
That old line about making your bed and now lying in it has caused untold pain over the years--mostly to women. Nobody ever seems to say that to men, for some reason. They just suck it up and change course and nobody criticizes them for it.
Same here. Suck it up, it turned out to be a bad decision. We all make them now and then. Don't punish yourself for it, fix it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
I agree with everyone here. DON'T use your money while with him! Save it and go back to your life. We all make mistakes-we are human. You have a starting chance, take it!! Leave him and make your own life while you still can.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Ditto the good advice others are giving. Run, don't walk, back to your daughter and, hopefully, your old job. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect his drinking but you can save your own life and your sanity. Heartbreaking story, I hope for the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
RLF,
I am so sorry that the life you had gotten used to involved alcohol abuse,
bullying, lying and all the attendant crapola that goes with being with a drunk.
As a human being, you deserve a life of peace, serenity and happiness.
That is your right!
You can have that. You do not have to to this one more minute.
I hope you have hopped on a plane and went back to your daughter.
sometimes, we have to get it one last time.
It's okay, every day is a new day, and a new chance to change what is happening to you.
Beth
Pulling for you!
I am so sorry that the life you had gotten used to involved alcohol abuse,
bullying, lying and all the attendant crapola that goes with being with a drunk.
Denies drinking, said he was just tired. I told him tired people don't pass out like that but after 6 years together I know when he drinks because that's what happens. He still denies drinking.
That is your right!
You can have that. You do not have to to this one more minute.
I hope you have hopped on a plane and went back to your daughter.
sometimes, we have to get it one last time.
It's okay, every day is a new day, and a new chance to change what is happening to you.
Beth
Pulling for you!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Don't beat yourself up over this!! I went back, too, and I didn't realize that I'd be going back to the same ol' thing that made me run before. But then I did. I followed through with my words to him, "If anything looks even close to what it looked like 2 years ago, I'll be gone." And gone I am. That happened 2 months ago, and I know I have a long road to recovery for myself. I wish you the very best in self-care and want to remind you to just keep making the next best decision for YOU. It will work out, if that's how you proceed.
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