dan187613

does alcohol define who you are? my boyfriend says that's who he is. he defines himself with alcohol. he drinks from morning to night, for 10+ years. high-functioning, he calls it. stops some for work but not always. i'm considering leaving. i hate watching what he does to himself. i keep reading that he will always choose the drink over me.
asking myself, can i be with someone who defines themselves with alcohol?

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

An interesting question. How does one define oneself? In my view, I believe we define ourselves by our actions towards ourselves and towards others. And those actions are really a function of our own inner compass and what we value,

I'm of the opinion that addiction to alcohol and drugs is, intrinsically, a very selfish place to be coming from because life for the addict becomes all about the feeling that comes from intoxication, and doing whatever is necessary to maintain that feeling, no matter what the cost. Is it a disease? Yes. But I think there's a characterlogical component to it as well.

So, I don't believe that alcohol defines your boyfriend, and I believe that when he says something like It's who I am, it's false bravado. I believe the aggregate sum of his actions and attitudes define him. So what you have to determine is whether his actions and attitudes are in phase with what you want as a romantic partner.

The fact that you found us, and that you've found the courage to post, tells me you're grinding on this issue pretty damn hard. The only advice I will give you is to listen to your inner voice. Pay attention to your inner compass. And be aware that no matter what you decide, you will pay a price emotionally. That's just the way life is. More often than not, doing the right thing for ourselves involves some level of emotional discomfort. That will pass.

Good Luck,
ZoSo

bigsombrero

Alcoholic here. Hope you don't mind me peeping my head in.

In my experience, yes, it did define me. In my mind, that was who I was. I was what a drank. I was a vodka drinker. An IPA afficionado. I might have well have introduced myself in that fashion. "Hi, I'm bigsombrero. I'm a vodka drinker, but I like a nice stout every now and then. Oh and by the way I enjoy photography and long walks on the beach".

Taking alcohol out of my life left me with a huge identity crisis and it scared the beejezus out of me. Who AM I? Who is buried underneath all this booze? What will I find when I brush all the dust off....what's underneath?

Many of us are afraid to find out what's really under there. Much like one is afraid to go to the doctor, just because we're worried about what they might find. Excuse my language but it's a terrible mind-f*ck and it was downright terrifying.

I sympathize for those who are living with alcoholics, but I cannot empathize. I can only describe it from where I sat - which was on the couch with a vodka & soda, morning noon and night.

For the record, I'm over a year sober. It's taken a while to clear out from underneath all this gunk but I'm glad I took the time and effort to look and see what was really there. Good luck.

dan187613

thanks for the responses. he was drinking when he said that. two days later, i caught him sober and expressed my concerns, again. he described life as flat and dull as an excuse for why he has to pep it up. he was defensive and proceeded to get drunk after our conversation. two more days of what appeared to the casual observer as him not drinking, but i know he was just hiding it, he came to me with a plan to cut back, triggers, strategies for coping and agreeing to drink at 'appropriate times'. said that he might fail. said there may be times when he really needs one. anxiety is a major trigger. he said he'd need my help being understanding of him needing space, etc. some of his logic seemed misplaced but i guess, it's progress? i'll help anyway i can. I'm glad to get other opinions from those who have been there in any capacity. I have no experience with alcoholics and appreciate any and all feedback.

atalose

That's just it, a guy who

is never sober!! just because he hadn't put alcohol into his sytem at that moment doesn't mean he's sober......he's very much operating from an alcohol soaked brain.

I don't mean to burst your bubble but all those things he negotiated with you, cutting back, strategies for coping, already setting himself up for failure because he already knows he is not serious about stopping. He's just trying to keep you hooked, keep you on that rope of hope so you'll stick around and he won't have to feel guilty about another failed relaitonship.

There's so much truth in the staying: Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

The way he'll get sober is in a medical run facility where they can detox him safely but that is not what he is seeking. He's still seeking to drink.

Have you thought about al-anon for you?