Too Hard to Get Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 8
Too Hard to Get Help
My daughter desperately needs help due to alcohol abuse and she is destined to kill both herself and other people with her penchant for drinking and driving. She has not admitted to her addiction despite 1 DUI and a loving boyfriend's and parent's pleas for help. You all describe the addict's irrational thinking due to the "disease" yet why do people like my daughter still control whether or not they can be detained for substance abuse treatment? Essentially we are admitting we are leaving irrational people determine what's in their best interest and the public's safety. I am a hurt...angry...helpless...loving...and frustrated parent waiting for disaster to happen!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, matt1959. Boy howdy, I hear you on your thoughts about allowing irrational people loose on the public.
But, we have this little thing called "civil rights". It's a b!tch to get around, too.
There is nothing worse than waiting for the next disaster. I've lived that life, and refuse to live it any longer. You do have that choice, too. It means detaching from your daughter's behavior. Hard to fathom, I know. But it is possible.
Prayers for your family today. Hope you keep coming back! It helps to vent.
~T
But, we have this little thing called "civil rights". It's a b!tch to get around, too.
There is nothing worse than waiting for the next disaster. I've lived that life, and refuse to live it any longer. You do have that choice, too. It means detaching from your daughter's behavior. Hard to fathom, I know. But it is possible.
Prayers for your family today. Hope you keep coming back! It helps to vent.
~T
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Matt1959. So sorry for what you are going through. Have you sought any advice from a therapist trained in addiction issues, or tried AlAnon? There is so much excellent support out there for us loved ones who stand by, watching helplessly. You need help, too! Keep posting and sharing, it really helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 8
God bless you for your response. I am in a moment of a whirlwind of emotions of having gone a year of thinking my daughter has recovered from her abuse and now tonight I have just discovered she has had the problem resurface as of several months ago. It finally became apparent, despite our 25 mile seperation, that her old abusive personality signs were starting to reappear...most noticeably the telltale response of claiming she was "tired" whenever she decided to respond to a week's worth of not responding to our phone calls. We new something must be up.
Again...I am angry at the whole world yet love all life has to offer. I hate myself for not understanding where I went wrong...I am angry at my wife for allowing my daughter to date too young...I hate the "system" for not allowing me to do anything about someone who is a threat to the public safety at any given hour of the day...I love God and trust in him...I find it against human feeling and emotion to trust in a Supreme Being that is not tangible and cannot offer guarantees...my daughter is loving and intelligent and a true good human being...my daughter is a threat and a don't want anyone to be a victim of her disease...I cannot seperate the bond between parent and daughter...I am sad
Again...I am angry at the whole world yet love all life has to offer. I hate myself for not understanding where I went wrong...I am angry at my wife for allowing my daughter to date too young...I hate the "system" for not allowing me to do anything about someone who is a threat to the public safety at any given hour of the day...I love God and trust in him...I find it against human feeling and emotion to trust in a Supreme Being that is not tangible and cannot offer guarantees...my daughter is loving and intelligent and a true good human being...my daughter is a threat and a don't want anyone to be a victim of her disease...I cannot seperate the bond between parent and daughter...I am sad
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 8
Since it has been a year that I've heard anything regarding the behavior of my daughter, tonight comes as a shock to me. If my daughter does not make the decision this week of trying to get treatment then, yes, I will have to gather the courage to admit my issues to other people at a al anon meeting. Unfortunately my wife will not accept this as a route for which she would ever be comfortable with.
Right now I am desperately trying to seek comfort in the Lord and totally relying on him. My Catholic upbringing trusts that He will provide comfort. He does give me comfort right now but my stomach is still turning. I am fighting off all odds.
Right now I am desperately trying to seek comfort in the Lord and totally relying on him. My Catholic upbringing trusts that He will provide comfort. He does give me comfort right now but my stomach is still turning. I am fighting off all odds.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
I was so nervous to attend my first al anon meeting after my husband landed in the hospital from drinking but it was so helpful to me when I went - just hearing that other people had faced what I was facing and gotten to a better place about this terrible disease. You don't even need to talk if you don't want to. Just showing up and listening could be a great first step.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 8
I appreciate your positive encouragement because I am lost right now. I do appreciate the oppotunity to share my emotions but it won't cure my concerns of my daughter drinking and driving. Trying to take care of my selfish concerns won't prevent saving innocent people from being struck on the road from my daughter.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Maybe get someone who is a specialist at interventions? If her bf, you, her mom all decide to stop enabling her or being a part of her life maybe she will seek treatment.
I still believe she will stop when she wants to stop but maybe this is something you can do so you know you did all you could.
I still believe she will stop when she wants to stop but maybe this is something you can do so you know you did all you could.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello matt, I have a stepson who is an alcoholic, crack addict, and polysubstance abuser who is currently in recovery (sort of). Something that helped me when I first joined SR was this post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I think encouraging your daughter to seek help is always a good idea. I found that I can't place too many expectations on a specific outcome with my stepson--current expectations become future resentments for me (as the saying goes)!
Please make yourself at home here. Vent all you want! We do understand.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I think encouraging your daughter to seek help is always a good idea. I found that I can't place too many expectations on a specific outcome with my stepson--current expectations become future resentments for me (as the saying goes)!
Please make yourself at home here. Vent all you want! We do understand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Matt1959,
If you go to Alanon you will get to hear stories and experiences of others who have walked in your moccasins and trust me... it will help you more than you will ever know.
I forced my XA into treatment many times by sheer force of will and manipulation and now I fully understand that causing someone to be in a bed in a treatment center is just geography. Sadly, only 1 out of 10 that want treatment get it and my interference put an unwilling person in a bed that someone else may have benefitted from. As we speak my XA is drinking himself to death in Las Vegas but is on foot because he already burned up his Mercedes in an accident where he woke up and was spinning out of control in the desert. The car caught on fire and burned to the ground. That insane episode didn't slow down the drinking either...
Neither you or I have any control over our A's but God does know their hearts and their future and can put the right person or event in their path when the time is right without our help or our worrying ourselves sick over it. Usually the person that can impact a drunk is another drunk who have found their way out of addiction through the 12 steps of AA although there are other paths.
Open AA meetings, Alanon, counseling for you and your wife would all be enormously helpful to find a place of peace and serenity while your loved one is struggling. Like the butterfly in the cocoon struggling to break free you cannot help because if you do it can hinder the butterfly... even cause it's demise.
Recovery is within the addict and until they desire it more than their next breath it is useless to lock them up in a jail or program unless it is to separate them from society permanently... not legal and with the millions of addicts it would be very expensive!
Trust God, pray, give Alanon a try... you will not regret it.
If you go to Alanon you will get to hear stories and experiences of others who have walked in your moccasins and trust me... it will help you more than you will ever know.
I forced my XA into treatment many times by sheer force of will and manipulation and now I fully understand that causing someone to be in a bed in a treatment center is just geography. Sadly, only 1 out of 10 that want treatment get it and my interference put an unwilling person in a bed that someone else may have benefitted from. As we speak my XA is drinking himself to death in Las Vegas but is on foot because he already burned up his Mercedes in an accident where he woke up and was spinning out of control in the desert. The car caught on fire and burned to the ground. That insane episode didn't slow down the drinking either...
Neither you or I have any control over our A's but God does know their hearts and their future and can put the right person or event in their path when the time is right without our help or our worrying ourselves sick over it. Usually the person that can impact a drunk is another drunk who have found their way out of addiction through the 12 steps of AA although there are other paths.
Open AA meetings, Alanon, counseling for you and your wife would all be enormously helpful to find a place of peace and serenity while your loved one is struggling. Like the butterfly in the cocoon struggling to break free you cannot help because if you do it can hinder the butterfly... even cause it's demise.
Recovery is within the addict and until they desire it more than their next breath it is useless to lock them up in a jail or program unless it is to separate them from society permanently... not legal and with the millions of addicts it would be very expensive!
Trust God, pray, give Alanon a try... you will not regret it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
matt, I'm a sober alcoholic (almost five years). The "system" would be wasting its resources if it locked up people and forced them to get treatment. Someone on the verge of being ready to quit sometimes will benefit from a small "push" in that direction. For someone completely unready to quit (and it can take years or decades--or maybe a lifetime to be ready), forced treatment doesn't help. And Hope makes a good point--there are people who WANT to recover who could use those beds in rehab.
Your best bet is to learn about alcoholism and to get support for yourself, regardless of what your wife decides to do. Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me when I was living in an alcoholic marriage.
Your best bet is to learn about alcoholism and to get support for yourself, regardless of what your wife decides to do. Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me when I was living in an alcoholic marriage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 8
Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. None of this is very encouraging as far as the situation goes. It's so frustrating and angers me. This is such a waste of people's lives and it's cruel. My daughter has a college degree in elementary teaching and when she was a child she had played school at home by being the teacher. When she got her DUI in her senior year in college it pretty much did her in as far as her career...at least in her mind it did because schools look at your background and she didn't want to be in the position of speaking to anyone about it.
We'll see what today brings. My wife is on her way back to my daughter's place now. As parents, we are not at the point of just ignoring this because we don't want to have any regrets. If and when something does happen we will not have any regrets ... we know we gave 110% of our life to her.
Thank you so much everyone
We'll see what today brings. My wife is on her way back to my daughter's place now. As parents, we are not at the point of just ignoring this because we don't want to have any regrets. If and when something does happen we will not have any regrets ... we know we gave 110% of our life to her.
Thank you so much everyone
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
ALCOHOLISM is cruel. Many diseases are. It isn't "fair" but fairness doesn't enter into it. Nobody asks for alcoholism any more than they ask for cancer or diabetes or other disease.
There is help for all of you, but you each, individually, have to be willing to accept that help and to want to change your OWN life. Because YOU are the only one who can change YOU.
There is help for all of you, but you each, individually, have to be willing to accept that help and to want to change your OWN life. Because YOU are the only one who can change YOU.
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