sadielady

Hi everyone.

I'm about 3 weeks into NC and break-up from my exABF. I'm realizing that while I feel healthier every day -- sad but able to understand and feel and be honest with myself without wanting or needing him back -- I have been coping with emotional eating.

This is something I've struggled with now and then my whole adult life. In times of stress I snack and make more unhealthy choices, particularly in the evenings and at work. I'm not heavy but modestly overweight, the kind that I hide in my clothes but am somewhat pudgy. It isn't about weight as much as its about knowing that I'm doing this as a coping mechanism when it isn't actually helping.

I'm new to recovery as a concept for myself and recognizing I am not full blown codependent ( if its a scalable thing but have some serious codependent tendencies I want to work through and learn and heal from. This relationship with my ex has opened my eyes and I'm seeing my own relationship health so differently -- the choices I've made and how I want to be on my own before engaging with men and love again. I just went to my first AlAnon, and am feeling strong and aimed towards self- care, but just facing it that my eating has crept into unhealthy realms and that is self- sabotaging, even if less direct than contacting my exABF or something.

So I guess my question is, from a recovery standpoint, what do you do when you notice another coping behavior coming in? Is emotional eating common for anyone else in recovery, and how have you handled it? Any advice welcome. I know awareness is a start, and I'm trying to not beat myself up and just make healthier choices one at a time.

Thanks all.

LifeRecovery

Sadielady-

A topic near and dear to me.

One I surprisingly found a lot of support in Al-Anon around....and I was there to help myself with the alcohol use.

I also need to fess up that I am bias. I have been living with an eating disorder now for greater then 30 years, but I have been in a strong recovery for it for over 13. In the last few weeks I told my therapist I don't get to use my eating disorder behavior or the fact that I have lived with one as an excuse any longer.

For me it does not matter where you are on the eating spectrum with behaviors....a hurricane is destructive, but so is a tropical storm.

For me emotional eating was my ONLY (of course poor) coping mechanism. When I did not have my loved one doing is thing with alcohol I struggled to distract myself with HIS problems....and eating would come out as a full force issue. Eating for me was a distraction...and kept me from feeling.

I did a lot of recovery, then entered Al-Anon. A lot of the skills there helped me with emotional eating stuff too.

There is an older book by Anita Johnson called Eating in the Light of hte Moon which I found incredibly helpful, and many others have too. There is a chapter (you will know when you get to it) about using a log to survive a flood, and then what happens when the water calms down....it was a lifechanging chapter that I go back to time and again.

I did a lot of work with a therapist around this stuff. I also did bodywork, meditation, Al-Anon etc.

I think you are on the right path, whatever you choose. There is a eating disorder section to SR that you are more then welcome to post in.

Good for you for taking care of you.

DreamsofSerenity

Hey Sadie,

I ate more when I was with my ex. He'd upset me and I'd crave chocolate.

When he left me I was determined to THRIVE. I got really motivated to get in good shape so in addition to my yoga practice, I got kind of addicted to running. Whenever I'd feel sad, I'd put on some inspirational tunes and pound out all my emotions running.

Sometimes I'd imagine I was running a race against my ex and was kicking his a$$. Other times I'd imagine seeing him somewhere, he with his alkie belly and me all thin and strong. This was a very powerful motivator for me.

I say: refuse to honor your break up by letting yourself go, honor yourself instead by getting in the best shape of your life. (I'm trying to be motivational, not judgemental).

I have a treadmill in my house. I never have an excuse to not move my a$$, and it is always there when I need it.

Exercise can be very addictive too, but in a good way. Swap your emotional eating habit for an exercise habit. If you need encourgement, PM me anytime and I will try to inspire you.

I know it is not easy. I don't want to be one of those people who sounds like they are preaching from their high horse because that is annoying. Again, I'm just trying to pump you up!

Florence

I'm an emotional eater from a family of them.

Instead of eating, I try to drink a warm beverage (gives the comfort feelings) or go on a bike ride. I recently discovered biking as a way to get in shape and blow off steam that's a little more mobile than just walking or running. It's my new church.

sadielady

Oh ladies, thank you. I needed that. Was just about to head out on my lunch break for froyo with all the goop on it (how nuts is that after I wrote this post !!!) and reading your responses pulled me back from La-La-land and in just going to get an iced tea and sit in the park instead.

I used to swim and it gave me the feeling you're each talking about with running and biking. Going to check out my local pools and get myself into one this week!! Baby steps.

I think also paying attention to when I'm doing this, eating to numb myself mostly -- and STOPPING will help. Writing here was for help but I think also to shake myself up!

Dreams. It's funny, I didn't do emotional eating until we broke up. In fact, I often didn't have an appetite at all. Which may be the flip side of the same issue.

Thank you everyone!!

DreamsofSerenity

Yes, paying attention to it is huge. I ate when I was with my ex without thinking about it. When I couldn't button my jeans, I started to pay attention, and I realized how nervous he made me and how I was dealing with that by snacking.

Good job on the ice tea!

ichabod

When my husband's drinking was at its worst, I gained 100 pounds. Food has always been a comfort and stress reliever for me. I also think that subconciously I was eating to keep him away from me, as a protective mechanism. The mind is a weird thing.

He's working on his 4th year of sobriety and I'm working on my unhealthy relationship with food. 60 pounds down, 40 to go. Plus now I am happy to be physical with him and I know he is more attracted to me.

4MyBoys

ichabod,

I absolutly did this also. I gained about 50 pounds during the last 10 years of our marriage. I know it was too fill the holes in my life while he wasn't their, even though he physically was. I think I may have done it to punish him a little also. He was always very into my looks and I know this was a way to keep him away from me. Plus I was tired of constantly being accused of having affairs. (In retrospect, I am pretty sure he was)

As soon as I left I dropped about 40 pounds. I started to get attention from men I worked with. It was way too soon and I freaked out and put it back on.

A year later I am making lifestyle changes not dieting. I am down 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I hate it though, whenever really stressful things with my STBXAH crop up, I hit the chips or ice cream or whatever is available.

Any advice would be great! Does working with a councelor or something for this really work? I never really thought about addressing the problem this way.....

4MyBoys

LifeRecovery

4myboys-

I absolutely got help from a therapist around this!

Some people get help from dietitians too.

I found a lot of relief from a Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction Class which helped to show me that I was not alone with my food stuff.

I did massage type body work with someone aware of my food pieces that has been an enormous help. I was so disconnected from my body. Yoga helped a lot also....anything that force me to be present. Regular exercise did to an extent, but that is often what I overdue sometimes to distract myself.

That part of my recovery is the best time/money I have ever spent on myself.

Just to clarify also. I don't have an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. I have binge eating, non-purging restriction....what you are all kind of sharing is the type of continuum that I fell on. I am not saying everyone has an eating disorder just that at lot of people struggle with emotional eating....and for me it was all tied into my codependent stuff.

Eating certain foods and starving both can bring a similar "numbing out" sensation that other substances can.

BoxOfRocks

Hi Sadie,

While I am not an emotional eater I have found that this breakup (about a month into it, similar timeline to yours) has been the most difficult to deal with because I have basically deprived myself of old and familiar unhealthy ways of coping like running into another relationship/attachment, partying, meaningless sex, etc. Take away all those things and what am I left with? ...Myself and all my feelings. YIKES. It can be really scary but also liberating. What I have found to be helpful is to pick up some new, healthy, good feeling-creating activities. I recently started hiking a lot and it's been great. Being out in nature is very centering. Anyway just thought I'd share my experience and let you know that you are being heard and supported.

DreamsofSerenity

I really agree about the nature thing. I'm kind of a city girl at heart but I have experienced a call to nature since this break up. I really feel the most connected to my HP when I am among the trees and able to see the play of light over the landscape. I see my HP in the light or as the light. It's things like coming around a bend in the trail and the seeing the light filtered through the leaves in a beautiful pattern across my shoes that makes me feel like "God" is walking with me.

I had an experience like that very early on and I honestly felt like "God" was imploring me to stop treating myself the way I was. I'm not religious and I honestly don't have a concrete idea of what I actually believe. It's just a very fluid concept that constantly changes. All I know is nature plays a big part of it right now.

ZenMe

Sadie,

Thanks for posting this! I am like Dreams in this case. I gained 30 lbs with my ex. We would always talk about biking, hiking and being more active together. She always said she wanted to but really wasn't motivated. So my outdoor activities were traded for going out to restaurants, staying in, watching movies, sleeping in late (she could never get up earlier...you all know why).

So me being less active coupled with the stress caused me to gain weight. I caught myself the other day using eating as a coping mechanism.

This is what works for me:
-Don't get stressed about it, you said it best, baby steps
-I eat when I'm bored, so I go for a hike, bike ride, yoga, climbing at the gym
-I eat when I'm hungry otherwise then I'm too hungry and go overboard
-i buy fiber one 90 calorie bars, they are pretty filling, if you are going to snack on frozen yogurt go for red mango
-i track my progress on loseIt app on mobile phone, it's simple when I log my calories daily, weight goes down, when I don't it stays steady
-the trick with tracking calories is making sure I leave enough for the evening night so I'm not starving.

-Swimming is a great! I do a lot of lower body, bike, ski, run, hike so I counter it with yoga/climbing. I would swim too but that would be just another membership and me trying to do way too much.

Go dancing with the girls and get DOWN!

trixie56

I'm glad you posted this. I'm also a big emotional eater, and I've struggled with it for a long time. Over the past month, since my XABF went MIA, I've noticed the emotional eating happening more and more and have realized that I need to stop it before it gets out of hand!
One thing that works for me is, as I'm reaching for the food/soda/etc., I ask myself: "Why do I want this?" And almost always, it's not because I'm hungry. So, even just acknowledging it to myself, in the moment, is often enough to keep me from going through with eating that 2nd drumstick ice cream cone. I know, yikes!

ZenMe

If you let yourself get too hungry, too angry, or too tired you won't even get to the point of asking yourself that question =P.

TheGrinch

Hi Sadie.

Thank you for posting this thread. For the past week I have been thinking about my eating habbits in relation to AH drinking habbits.

I realised I too am an emotional eater and my eating is definitely a coping mechanism. I try to drink a glass of water before I just "stuff my face". Sometimes I mistake thirst for hunger. It works. But as you say, baby steps.

Good luck!
Grinch

FireSprite

This is a really big issue for me, going back to my childhood & dealing with my AF. It has taken me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to see the link between it & the alcoholics/alcoholism issues in my life.

When RAH & I were separated I got into the best shape of my life. I felt great, I looked great, I had boundless energy & could tackle anything that came my way.

When he moved back in & then a few months later came clean about the secret drinking, admitted he was an alcoholic & started AA I gained something like 15 pounds in 2.5 weeks. It was illogical. I hadn't substantially changed my eating habits or workouts but the weight gain was sudden & definite & completely concentrated around my mid-section. No matter how hard I work at losing it I regain it immediately..... I work very hard & lose 2 pounds & I can almost feel my body fighting me to put it back on.

During one of my reiki sessions they asked about an old head injury & proposed that while the injury itself wasn't anything that I was hanging onto, events/emotions surrounding that time in my life may have gotten sort of "trapped" & attached to that physical trauma.... (it tracks for me in a way because I get a headache no matter what the real problem/pain in my life is..... upset stomach? I get a headache. Argument with a good friend? I get a headache... Bad weather rolling in? My head hurts. Cut my leg & bleeding profusely? Yep, headache... I even call it my Achilles' Heel. The area around the injury never felt totally healed.... I always had what I referred to as "phantom pain".)

I thought about it a lot & yes, a LOT happened to me that year. I had a tonsillectomy, a lot of intense dental problems/work done & split my head open requiring 4 stitches just a few days before my 1st Communion in the Catholic Church. Nothing too much more than what the average kid deals with, even if it is a lot happening in a just a few short months.

So I asked my mom & she thought about it & said the only other things that she would add were that at that time I was getting very aware of my dad being gone all the time (working, drinking, helping others but never home with us when he should have been - he was at a very active point in his addiction) and that I was getting VERY verbal about it - asking questions, not happy with the answers... and that I started gaining a lot of weight for no obvious reason. It was a real AHA moment for me - the only other time I've been so out of control with my weight was when my dad was at the height of his addictions & ended up in federal prison for a year.

I half suspected that emotions were somewhere at the seat of my eating issues, but that really made me stop & think. Now I see how I've been reaching for the sweets & junk food any time that I feel emotional and physically out of control. Control has a LOT to do with it for me, I think. The more I can't control a situation or outcome (especially when it relates to RAH) I seek comfort foods in volume. Even the way I carry all of my extra weight is telling - it centers around my 2nd chakra which specifically deals with emotions, Inner Child issues & other people's energies interacting with our own.

I think when I lack control externally I flex it internally so when I was dealing with active alcoholism as a kid, my body & how it changed was just about the only thing I COULD control, kwim?

I'm working very hard at identifying these triggers in my recovery & like you all have suggested, changing the way I deal with it by going for a walk, grabbing my yoga mat, etc. But I also know that a big part of it for me is that I need stability in my home in order to feel safe & comfortable enough to not face this issue constantly. RAH is doing ok in his recovery, but he still goes through ups & downs that make life for DD & I more unpredictable than I would like... but I'm working around that. Baby steps, right??

lillamy

AXH wanted me to be super skinny. Because he said it reflected badly on him to have a fat wife. At one point, I was down to a weight where I pretty much looked like death warmed over. Which people told me. But he didn't think I was skinny enough.

It took me a long time to realize that this was just another way for him to control something (namely me) when he had no control over his drinking. I developed an unhealthy obsession with cooking and eating uber-healthy and exercising excessively. So after leaving him, one of the areas I've had to recover in (if you can say that) is eating and exercising. I've had to re-learn to do that in a healthy and not obsessive way. I gained a sizeable amount of weight after I left him simply because I could eat what I wanted without getting belittled. And that was OK. I stopped working out -- simply because there was nobody there to tell me how I wasted the gym membership if I took two days off in a row.

I'm trying to find a balance. I like eating healthy. I love exercise. But I want to do it for me -- not because I hear his voice in my head calling me names.