Some advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: newcastle nsw
Posts: 9
Some advice please
My partner has recently gone into rehab, she has been injecting drugs and having whatever drugs she can get her hands on for years before we got together.
I know its the best place for her, however I am really lonely, and feel helpless. I get to talk to her for a few minutes each day, ive got all her friends to sign a big card and ive sent letters and bought a lot of art stuff for her which im going to drop off tomorrow, with some flowers for her and the staff for looking after her.
With all this in mind it feels like when she comes out we will be meeting strangers, sounds silly but has been a concern of mine.
I know a month of separation is better than the next couple years of arguments with an addict and potential death at every shot.
Everyone says just focus on yourself. blah blah, but my focus is her atm, just sucks to be so lonely.
I know its the best place for her, however I am really lonely, and feel helpless. I get to talk to her for a few minutes each day, ive got all her friends to sign a big card and ive sent letters and bought a lot of art stuff for her which im going to drop off tomorrow, with some flowers for her and the staff for looking after her.
With all this in mind it feels like when she comes out we will be meeting strangers, sounds silly but has been a concern of mine.
I know a month of separation is better than the next couple years of arguments with an addict and potential death at every shot.
Everyone says just focus on yourself. blah blah, but my focus is her atm, just sucks to be so lonely.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi acennell 
I can appreciate it's rough on those left behind....but it's for her benefit - think of it like she's in hospital maybe? you wouldn't want her to discharge herself too soon.
You'll find a lot of support here, though, and in our Family and Friends forums too - I hope it might help get you through the next few weeks and make things just a little easier
D
I can appreciate it's rough on those left behind....but it's for her benefit - think of it like she's in hospital maybe? you wouldn't want her to discharge herself too soon.
You'll find a lot of support here, though, and in our Family and Friends forums too - I hope it might help get you through the next few weeks and make things just a little easier
D
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
Of course you're going to focus on her. She is important to you, and is going through something that has the possibility of changing her. I'd expect you to be happy that something good may come of it and scared that you might lose the person you knew, with a whole host of other emotions all dependant on what's running through your mind. That's human.
My question is, how can we help? What exactly are you looking for? If it's just someone to listen, well this is a great place for that and we are glad to simply let you know that we are here, that I am here, to listen. But advice, as your post title says, is another thing that many members here are more then welcome to give. Experience is another thing you may hear from many people, and personally I prefer other's experiences over their advice.
What I would do, generally, is very different from what I should do I am human as well, and I would worry about the future, be remorseful about the past, and pretty much overanalyze the situation to death. I've done it several times before. What I've been told when that is going on is to focus on the present. What can I do, right now, to make life better for myself or another. I've realized through many experiences and a bit of pain that I cannot change the facts of life as it applies to anyone else, and in order to change the facts of my life I have to put in effort and leave the results up to fate, or God, or whatever, because if I don't then I will just worry more.
Simply put, I say look at the beauty in the situation as it is right now, and not as it may become. Be careful about your expectations (hopes are a different story) of where this might go, and adversely be careful about where your mind might take you in regards to where it may not go. Life happens one day, hour, minute and second at a time, and I've learned it's best to live it that way.
I hope something that I've said helps in some way, and please feel free to be more specific if I was way off
My question is, how can we help? What exactly are you looking for? If it's just someone to listen, well this is a great place for that and we are glad to simply let you know that we are here, that I am here, to listen. But advice, as your post title says, is another thing that many members here are more then welcome to give. Experience is another thing you may hear from many people, and personally I prefer other's experiences over their advice.
What I would do, generally, is very different from what I should do
I am human as well, and I would worry about the future, be remorseful about the past, and pretty much overanalyze the situation to death. I've done it several times before. What I've been told when that is going on is to focus on the present. What can I do, right now, to make life better for myself or another. I've realized through many experiences and a bit of pain that I cannot change the facts of life as it applies to anyone else, and in order to change the facts of my life I have to put in effort and leave the results up to fate, or God, or whatever, because if I don't then I will just worry more.Simply put, I say look at the beauty in the situation as it is right now, and not as it may become. Be careful about your expectations (hopes are a different story) of where this might go, and adversely be careful about where your mind might take you in regards to where it may not go. Life happens one day, hour, minute and second at a time, and I've learned it's best to live it that way.
I hope something that I've said helps in some way, and please feel free to be more specific if I was way off
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: newcastle nsw
Posts: 9
Firstly thank you both.
yes it would be great to hear experiences more so than advice, however im open to both, its just a new world and a whole new feeling overcoming me.
I want to be as supportive as possible but also, it may sound stupid I don't want to smother her in our calls that we have, I find myself wanting to call the rehab place a couple times a day, I guess this is for 2 reasons, firstly, selfishly I want to just talk to her and secondly I want to make sure she knows im here for her (im being blatantly open and honest here)
Once again thank you for your replies, it actually feel better already to reach out to others who have been on either side of this challenging time.
yes it would be great to hear experiences more so than advice, however im open to both, its just a new world and a whole new feeling overcoming me.
I want to be as supportive as possible but also, it may sound stupid I don't want to smother her in our calls that we have, I find myself wanting to call the rehab place a couple times a day, I guess this is for 2 reasons, firstly, selfishly I want to just talk to her and secondly I want to make sure she knows im here for her (im being blatantly open and honest here)
Once again thank you for your replies, it actually feel better already to reach out to others who have been on either side of this challenging time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: newcastle nsw
Posts: 9
Just a bit of advice, she's been in a week and she is planning on staying for the 28 day program followed by a 6week dvt?
After which she said she would like to move in with me when she comes back, she's always lived at her parents however normally stays at my place a few times a week?
So the advice is or the question is, do you think it is a good idea to move into a new place with her, bear in mind she's always lived at her parents and has used for approx 10 years while living there, mostly without them really knowing
After which she said she would like to move in with me when she comes back, she's always lived at her parents however normally stays at my place a few times a week?
So the advice is or the question is, do you think it is a good idea to move into a new place with her, bear in mind she's always lived at her parents and has used for approx 10 years while living there, mostly without them really knowing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: newcastle nsw
Posts: 9
?
Hi you recently commented on my post about my partner going into rehab.
Well I got to visit her yesterday which was great!!... BUT
In one of the jumpers her mum took for her, I drove her mum up, had drugs in it! Her mum had no idea
She has rand me now and told me there was a satchel with speed in it, I told her to give it straight to one of the nurses and never open Pandora's box, etc
I finished talking to her and then rang to tell her mum, I think she had always been a bit naive as to the severity of her drug use and problem.
I guess my real question is should I ring the centre and tell them or rely on her handing it in? I'm aware all calls would b monitored so they would prob know in 48-72hrs??, depending on the diligence of phone call monitoring, she had only been in for 8 days.
Well I got to visit her yesterday which was great!!... BUT
In one of the jumpers her mum took for her, I drove her mum up, had drugs in it! Her mum had no idea
She has rand me now and told me there was a satchel with speed in it, I told her to give it straight to one of the nurses and never open Pandora's box, etc
I finished talking to her and then rang to tell her mum, I think she had always been a bit naive as to the severity of her drug use and problem.
I guess my real question is should I ring the centre and tell them or rely on her handing it in? I'm aware all calls would b monitored so they would prob know in 48-72hrs??, depending on the diligence of phone call monitoring, she had only been in for 8 days.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I'm shocked they didn't search everything her mother brought her, they are usually super careful. Since the drugs etc are a danger to not only her but any others who might happen along them, I would make sure the staff knows.
Don't know how your partner would feel about this is she found out you made the call, but like I said, it's not only HER recovery on the line.
It's great that you are focusing on her, BUT...hey, you need TLC too. You've been through heck with her right? The fights, maybe lies..worry. Allow yourself to use this time as a rest up, healing time for yourself as well. To sort out your mind, maybe do some activities you've missed lately, hang with a few of your friends (the partners of addicts often end up isolated themselves).
Even a few therapy sessions, or a weekend away...sort of a retreat, to regroup. I suspect that parts of you are traumatized (not being dramatic, but addicts are like a wild ride).
The dynamics of the relationship will neccessarily have to change, otherwise it's all back to the same, including a likelyhood that your partner would use. If you've been the caregiver, and she the recipient, it's hard to shake free of that role, and often we find ourselves slipping back into what we know because change feels awkward. I hope in rehab they will talk about the fact that WE need to give our partners space and time to adjust, feel, react, etc.
Sorry, I know you said you didn't want advice.
My experience was when I got out after six weeks I felt estranged from my partner. I'd been through this very intense experience, often scary, and bonded strongly with several of the people I shared it with.
The world seemed scary and he didn't understand what I was going through. I sometimes got angry, and it hurt him because he'd been doing the best he could. I didn't understand how hard having me gone had been on him, and I was angry to come home and find out things had fallen apart on his end. He was angry because he thought I'd been on a sort of vacation and that as soon as I got back I should be operating at 100%.
It took a number of months before the anger subsided. We seemed to see saw between empathy for one another and raging resentment.
Don't know how your partner would feel about this is she found out you made the call, but like I said, it's not only HER recovery on the line.
It's great that you are focusing on her, BUT...hey, you need TLC too. You've been through heck with her right? The fights, maybe lies..worry. Allow yourself to use this time as a rest up, healing time for yourself as well. To sort out your mind, maybe do some activities you've missed lately, hang with a few of your friends (the partners of addicts often end up isolated themselves).
Even a few therapy sessions, or a weekend away...sort of a retreat, to regroup. I suspect that parts of you are traumatized (not being dramatic, but addicts are like a wild ride).
The dynamics of the relationship will neccessarily have to change, otherwise it's all back to the same, including a likelyhood that your partner would use. If you've been the caregiver, and she the recipient, it's hard to shake free of that role, and often we find ourselves slipping back into what we know because change feels awkward. I hope in rehab they will talk about the fact that WE need to give our partners space and time to adjust, feel, react, etc.
Sorry, I know you said you didn't want advice.
My experience was when I got out after six weeks I felt estranged from my partner. I'd been through this very intense experience, often scary, and bonded strongly with several of the people I shared it with.
The world seemed scary and he didn't understand what I was going through. I sometimes got angry, and it hurt him because he'd been doing the best he could. I didn't understand how hard having me gone had been on him, and I was angry to come home and find out things had fallen apart on his end. He was angry because he thought I'd been on a sort of vacation and that as soon as I got back I should be operating at 100%.
It took a number of months before the anger subsided. We seemed to see saw between empathy for one another and raging resentment.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Originally Posted by acennell 
No reason at all, is it your suggestion that I ask her mum to check with the centre?
maybe I read your initial question wrong - is the 'her' your gf's mum or your gf?
I guess my real question is should I ring the centre and tell them or rely on her handing it in?
Like threshold says it's not just your gf's recovery at question here - thats a really important point.
D
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
support and pray
Originally Posted by acennell
I get to talk to her for a few minutes each day, ive got all her friends to sign a big card and ive sent letters and bought a lot of art stuff for her which im going to drop off tomorrow, with some flowers for her and the staff for looking after her.
at this point in time
about all you can do for her is
support and pray for her recovery
hopefully when she get's out
you two will be able to build a new life together
with no drugs and the pain that comes with them involved
MB
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
That "learning to live without them" part is very important.
The dynamic of a relationship with an active addict is often that the partner keeps taking care of them, often at the expense of themselves. Time to learn to do their own things again, have perspective on the relationship, and even just to have down time from the drama (since for awhile someone else is caring for the addict) can do a world of good.
It's important that the dynamics of the relationship shift a little, otherwise it can be very tempting for the addict to slip back into the old pattern because that is the only way they've managed the relationship before. learning a new way of relating may feel awkward, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.
The dynamic of a relationship with an active addict is often that the partner keeps taking care of them, often at the expense of themselves. Time to learn to do their own things again, have perspective on the relationship, and even just to have down time from the drama (since for awhile someone else is caring for the addict) can do a world of good.
It's important that the dynamics of the relationship shift a little, otherwise it can be very tempting for the addict to slip back into the old pattern because that is the only way they've managed the relationship before. learning a new way of relating may feel awkward, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.
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