brownhorse

I will try to explain:

I have sole custody with supervised visitation of my children thanks to finding a pill laying on my couch after AXH left. The visitation is in my home, supervised by me due to 1) my family won't do it, 2) his family are A's, too, and 3) I don't want to take my kids to a random building for them to visit their dad with a complete stranger.

We were married 12 years and I did everything to fix, change and control. I am a true codependent and have been going to Al-anon for 1.5 years but failed today and for the first time in a really long time have that sick feeling in my stomach and let myself down.

Due to kids sports, medical issues and really AXH excuses for the last few months visitation has been at a sporting event or non-existent. Today was the first visitation at my home in a long time. AXH brought and cooked a steak on the grill, that was ok but I was uncomfortable with him making his way comfortably around my kitchen. Then, they were horse playing and all having a great time until my DS11 got hurt. My AXH kept saying "I am sorry but you did this ...... And you know it wasn't on purpose......" QUACKING! Being a non-recovered A!

I couldn't stand it anymore and said "you know I am really just trying to teach the boys to say I am sorry. That's it. Ds11 doesn't want to hear why it was his fault, he is hurt." And he goes off about how he will explain himself if he wants and I am no better than him. Ladeedadeeda. He was yelling and saying things that I know I need to ignore, but it just upset the whole house in a way I am grateful to say is so rare now. This used to happen 10 times a day. But, I have done such a great job and taught my kids so much these past few months when he has been around so little. I can not believe one stupid little fight can bring back so many emotions! It ended up being a huge fight afterwards on the phone because I wouldn't argue anymore in front of the kids.

As I write this I think I know the answer. It helped to write, read, and think about it as an outsider. Next time, I let him do his thing, ignore him, and when he leaves ask the kids if they are ok, see if they need to talk, and move on with our day.

I am trying to be rational with an irrational person! Last thought, thanks SR, al-anon, god, and my family, I only have a story to share like this once in a great while. Living like this every day would of killed me by now! Some days are still hard. I DO NOT MISS HIM, but I am lonely and tired. I am on summer break and sometimes go days without seeing an adult!

fourmaggie

i assume your ex is still drinking? and was he drinking before the visition? just curious...

i dont really know what to say is that you are rite he is irrational, and trying to control it during the visition will not help at all....[please stop the reactions to HIM...its a waste of time and ENERGY, save it for your kids....

just be there for the kids AFTER he leaves, and be open to all the questions and tears...does your daughter know what is happening to dad?

brownhorse

Drinking? I stopped trying to figure it out. He is definitely not in recovery. I don't think he was today before he came. He knows if i suspect it, I will not let him in!

My oldest son does know what is going on. I have taken him to Alanon, therapy, and read from an alateen book with him.

I wish I could of let it go earlier. Being on the site gain today has brought back some of my sanity.

wicked

Oh brownhorse, I cannot tell you all the coulda woulda, shouldas there were in my life.
Forgive yourself, and know what you did then, you did with the knowledge you had then.
That was then and this is now.

Today, you came here and got some of your sanity back.
Thank you for sharing.

Beth

lillamy

Hmm... I'm wondering why you are uncomfortable with having children's services supervise visits? I'm thinking that might be an opportunity for your AXH to feel some consequences of his actions.