NativeCali

It happened in seconds. I had arrived with my 3 children at their dad's river cabin for Fourth of July week. Rather than drive 4 hrs back and repeat the 8 hr trip in 5 days, I had accepted an invite to stay the week. It should be fine, we are trying to be friendly, I am solid in my sobriety. I had planned to return Saturday rather than Sunday due to expected heavy traffic. When my ex heard of this, he began to try to talk me into traveling Sunday. When I declined at multiple attempts to change my mind "to think of the kids" , I said it was not negotiable. That was it. Those 4 words ignited a fury from him. Under verbal attack ( you all know what I mean: "you are selfish, never think to ask my opinion, hurt my feelings, a bully, insert blaming nonsense here_____ ) the feelings that swelled in me were powerful. And THIS is my point: my feelings were so awful.....is he right? Am I terrible? I hate him for treating me this way in front of the kids. I was doubtful and furious at the same time. My anger and surprise were so overwhelming that I froze , my first reaction was to defend myself. But it was a losing battle. As soon as I engaged, he gained momentum. And it ended badly, with me removing myself from the room as if I was the jerk defeated by the right one. These feelings of sadness, self-loathing and mostly anger and frustration have festered in me for days since. I have had trouble focusing, sleeping, even meditating. I have been on edge. These feelings when left unattended led me to destruction! alcohol and addiction were my solution in the past. this week i returned to my tools of early sobriety: direct my attention to the next indicated step(action), read the big book(action), restraint of pen and tongue, and trusting that "This, too, shall pass" ........and it did. I am so grateful today, for this program. I wanted to share my experience and hope for any who read. Thank you

KittyH

Wow, what an amazing show of restraint on your part. I am so inspired by your strength. I hope to find that kind of depth of commitment for myself and in myself. I really admire that you didnt give in to the bad desires. Good for you !!!

NativeCali

By the grace of God.... I should have said I'm just 1 yr sober. But as I've learned, I had tools stored up for exactly this type of situation. We need to remember to open the toolbox. I'm sure you have more strength than you know

KittyH

Just one year ??? I can understand that that may seem small in light of other peoples time lengths. But I truly can NOT imagine one year sober. I am not kidding when I say that alcohol and bars have been part of my life almost since birth and even though I have had 5 children, I can NOT say that I have had a sober year since middle school. I am so in awe of all of you on here who have made that life change and continue to make that change every single day. I am in tears right now as I write this. I just want to find some control over myself so badly. I want to fight for myself and realize that I am worth fighting for................

johnnybgood

Seriously. I made it five months without drinking and that was the longest I had gone in ten years. One year is an amazing accomplishment.

Lyoness

That is so amazing and inspiring. Being able to rely upon the tools and the strengths you have built up in your recovery instead of falling into the old survival strategy of using. It gives me so much hope!

I know on those rare occasions when I don't engage someone who is trying to bully, abuse, etc., me I am amazed at how quickly my emotions drop to a calm place. It is a skill I hope to build in my recovery.

Congratulations on both one year and your response!

NativeCali

KittyH, you are worth it. You can fight, for yourself and for your kids, one minute at a time. It was the hardest thing I ever did and you can do it too. If it helps, here's what I did: meeting every day no matter what, self talk "I can have that drink tomorrow, (or later) for right now I'll try this" ...call sponsor or watch a movie or write in journal or cry etc. action is the antidote to despair. To know the right action, you must learn from those who have what you want. Be open to change, be willing to be willing to be willing.....
Big hug, you are not alone

NativeCali

Forgive me, I didn't intend to minimize 1yr.....I referenced it to my feeling somewhat secure in my sobriety but with acknowledgement that I still have a lot to learn.
Johnnybgood, please do not give up. It is your journey. I can understand your frustration, this is my third attempt to get and stay sober. I am doing everything differently this time. You might want to consider this idea , I have been very surprised at how "acting as if" is becoming reality

Nuudawn

Hello NativeCali. Reading your post hit a little close to home for me. Reading your ex's explosive diatribe sounded all too familiar...and stirred up my own anger. I have been there. That man's "shame core" is a volcano...so he spews it all over everyone else. Shaming/name calling/character assassinating...argh...it sickens me. But I would feed into it and start raging right back...ugly, ugly, ugly..and then I too would drink/smoke myself into oblivion.

Good on you !!!! You worked it through head on..with all your wits about you. That is the only way that we will stop REACTING to these sorts of garbage flingers.

NativeCali

Lyonness, so happy to give u hope. I like what you said "emotions drop to a calm place"
This bit of learning not to react when attacked is tricky. But it works. We can't be perfect but we can keep learning and growing. It would be easier if I could not allow the bully in my life at all, but he's the father of the kids.....
So we learn slowly to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves in recovery.
Warm wishes to you in your recovery....

Threshold

NativCali,

thanks for sharing your victory, it's exactly what I need to hear today. I refer to that sort of thing as getting sucked into a worm hole...I'm going along and whoosh...back in an emotional state/situation that knocks me off my feet like a wave...oh no, not THIS again....gah

It deflates me...makes me feel like "what was all my effort for if I can be right back in this stew of feelings in a matter of seconds"

Gotta open that tool box all right, and breathe, breathe, take a few seconds to choose the right tool for the job. Old compulsive me wants to grab the first thing I feel and start pounding with it.

Your story inspires me.

NativeCali

Ahhh, well said threshold. Thank you for helping me understand this dynamic. Even thinking about that moment in retrospect, it's hard to breathe! Perhaps it would help to have some prepared responses in the toolbox? How in the world does one set boundaries with this type of unpredictable person? Forced to have him in my life as he is the kids' dad....

NativeCali

Nuudawn, I have to tell you that your picture literally made me laugh out loud , a true lol. Thank you for that and for the encouragement. Stay strong against those people that try to suck you in their mess! Like threshold said, into "a worm hole"

ckoures

Thank you so much for your story. It comes at a perfect time in my life, when the anger and hatred my spouse carries inside cascaded over me. I drank a little over one week ago, and as the fog finally cleared, I realized why. It was all the old patterns, the baiting, the anger that turns into self loathing. Your words inspired me to remember I am better than the sum of my mistakes, and the total of his hatred.