Ettie

I’m at day 27 and have been attending meetings most days, sometimes twice a day for the past 3 weeks. I feel pretty awkward at meetings. I don’t know what to say to people that I’m introduced to and maybe I appear standoffish due to my nervousness/shyness. I don’t feel like I’m doing enough and I keep hearing people say that AA is an action program, and just attending meetings doesn’t cut it. I just don’t know where to start on how to integrate myself more into the program. Often, I catch myself feeling sorry for myself that I haven’t started establishing any connections with others – though I realize it’s my fault that I’m not putting myself out there. Is this normal? Does it just take time? I did get some numbers, but have only really called one person - a really nice older woman that I meet up with at meetings most nights. I just feel so nervous and awkward about this whole thing and looking for some feedback.

Eddiebuckle

Ettie,

Keep up the good work. I felt awkward in meetings at first too, I ultimately found a meeting that I was less uncomfortable than most and made it my home group. I made lots of friends over time.

Cut yourself a little bit of slack, keep going and make an effort to talk to more people. It will all fall into place, it just takes time.

sugarbear1

27 days, yes! I was also very awkward then, too. I started talking to very few people one on one before and after the meetings. I did get some phone numbers and I did start calling people and I'd say, "Hi, I don't know what to say, but I am calling you. We met at XYZ meeting...."

It's a beginning. We are all awkward with this social stuff!

Step out of your "comfort" zone (for me, it's all me me and me and me me and me).

It all takes practice. Stay strong and stay stopped.

Hugs,
~SB

UncleMeat69

It helped me to attend many different meetings in early sobriety and I looked
for other AA's who I could relate to when they shared - who were going
through the types of struggles that I was - a peer group.

After awhile I picked the one I liked best and it became my Home Group.
I attended it every week unless I was flat on my back. My sponsor suggested
I volunteer to make coffee. It was a great idea because people would approach me
to thank me for my service. Soon they asked me questions about myself and
conversation started to flow more easily. Especially when I could talk about me. (he-he)

You have a glorious journey ahead of you Ettie. You will go to places you never dreamed
of and be "rocketed into a 4th. dimension" of existence called sobriety.

Grungehead

I agree with UncleMeat about the home group. I like to try different meetings but there is one group I was always comfortable in from the start. I made that my home group and I never miss it. I always help out in some way and stay for the "meeting after the meeting". I know every regular member by name and they know me by name. I met my sponsor there. I'm even chairing a meeting for the first time next month.

Is the woman you meet up with at meetings someone that could possibly be your sponsor? I found that getting a sponsor early was a big help. It's nice to have someone from the program you can get to know one on one and who can show you the ropes. Just some thoughts...sounds like you are doing great!

Kathleen41

Hey Girl. I believe everyone feels this way. So all those folks at the meetings you are attending have felt that way at one time too. Don't worry too much about how you are coming off to them, stand-offish or otherwise.

At times I felt very left out; in the beginning observed what I thought to be cliques, and became jealous, my inferiorities came out. I recall going through an array of emotions. Self pity, superiority, mad at the world, depression, loneliness, happiness, etc... and projecting those feelings onto how I felt about AA and its members. They understood, like no one else could, and I never had to explain it.

I haven't been sober very long, just 8 months. I found that one of my favorite meetings is Wed night ladies step study, just so happens it's the meeting I've always attended most regularly (I've had an ever changing work schedule), and now haven't missed in months, I guess I've picked my home group. Tonight, I became the informal greeter and when I sat down at the large table of about 20 women, I realized for the first time I knew every lady there by name. Furthmore, I've had conversations, a meal, a telephone call, went to a retreat with, some connection to everyone of them. I belong. I BELONG.

I just kept coming back Ettie. I've been honest. If I felt like crying through a meeting, I cried, if I felt like venting frustration I did that. I let people hug me. I sat next to other ladies, even though I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

It just takes time sweetie, you'll get there too. Be kind to yourself.

LadyinBC

I went to an AA meeting last Saturday because my WFS meeting was cancalled and I counldn't make the Smart one. I've actually decided that I am going to go to this Saturday one all the time. I really liked the people and the dynamics of it. The only thing I don't like is that they stand at a podium to talk and it will take me time to do that.

I haven't really done any of the steps, however, I have been thinking about it. There is a step meeting on Thursday that is just 2 blocks away from where I live so I am thinking about going to that. I have the books for it as well.

Yeah I felt a little weird being there, but I did feel comfortable and there were lots of women there. No offense to the men. When I went to this meeting at the beginning of my sobriety there were hardly any women. So it is very hard sometimes to find a sponsor.

Like Kathleen said it just takes time.

Veritas1

Have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous yet, from the title page, through to the end? Start there...

GracieLou

If you don't have a sponsor it sounds like you are ready for one. It was around the 30 day mark when I started looking for mine. I got my sponsor at about five weeks and a home group at about six weeks.

Once you get a sponsor and a home group then you do feel more involved in the program. Remember that one of the actions is working the steps. So if you get a sponsor and start on the steps that is action. You have been sober for 27 days, now it is time to learn to live a sober life and embrace sobriety

Take it easy and take it one day at a time.

I also wanted to add that you little Thank You smiley makes me smile every time. It makes me feel you are grateful and that is a very important part of recovery. Keep up the good work! and

Ettie

Thank you all so much! Your words have really encouraged me!

Kathleen: I relate so much to your feelings in early recovery in AA. You just described exactly how I'm feeling! I'm glad to know that this is all normal stuff.

Veritas: I'm reading the Big Book and plan to start from the beginning again once I finish and reread it.

Grungehead: I have thought about asking her. Is there a way to know who would be a good fit for sponsorship? What do I look for? She is much older than me. I was thinking a sponsor closer to my age might be more ideal? I really have no idea!

Thank you everyone. You are all so helpful

Sugah

Ettie, age doesn't mean much in sponsorship. Length of sobriety isn't the greatest indicator of fitness to sponsor, either.

My suggestion would be to ask: have you taken the steps with a sponsor? If the answer is yes: will you take me through the steps? That's what sponsorship is -- guidance.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dave42001

I've been in the program for 7 months.. I felt awkward last night and I've been to a few hundred meetings.. This guy rang the bell on a newcomer that was crying because he took up to much time.. Really upset me.. Try some different meetings, different times till you find the one you feel comfortable.. Great work on 27 days!! Keep it up!!! This is your program! It's a life long journey not a sprint race!! Wishing you the best!!

grammydeb

good for you
you will make some contacts
you already have
that phone sometimes is so heavy lol
I always love to hear some one from the fellowship call
also a home group when I crawled into AA there was one group in the little town of West Memphis, Ark
so that is where I went we met 3 days a week they told me to get busy helping put the chairs way I did not understand how that would help me but I did it
on Saturday nights we all cleaned up our little meeting house
back then everyone smoked so we washed ashtrays and took out trash as a group and I felt like I was apart of them
that little white house used to belong to one of our members
she and her husband drank in that house! How amazing is that??
To go to meetings in your old drunk house LOL
hang in there and don't drink no matter what your head might tell you
we all need each other!
proud of you!
hugs
deb

skg

First, congratulations! A new, scary, peace-filled, confusing and exciting life awaits! I'm sure some AA lawyer will jump in and tell my where the references are, and which pronouns to use, but in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions it says, basically, that 'The Twelve steps go against all our natural desires.' They're awkward and uncomfortable. In the Foreword of the same book, it says that 'if practiced as a way of life' I could be happily and usefully whole. Sure didn't seem that way when I started, lemme tell you!

It was pretty bold stuff from where I sat, a 'shivering denizen' of King Alcohol when I finally made it in to the rooms, but they told me to work my recovery like I worked my drinking, and I worked my drinking or thinking 'bout it 24/7/365. And it took a lot of effort, experimenting, hair-of-the-dog and trial-and-error actions to get me to that point, so I figured I might have to exert at least a fraction of the work toward getting sober.

The thing you have already mentioned is that getting involved--throwing yourself into the middle of AA--is the best place to be. It's confusing, unnatural, awkward, and freakishly friendly--in an oddly standoffish way. The people in the rooms that have what you want did the work, too, but they started exactly where you are. The heightened feelings, the tears, the laughter, the incredible anxiety about doing it right, because there were no chances left? Every single person in those rooms was EXACTLY where you are right now--in mind, body, and spirit. Maybe to a greater or lesser degree, but most alcoholics I know in the rooms didn't get there because it was a nice sunny Saturday and they decided to check out a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous! Nope, like me, most had used up all the best ideas and were (albeit prideful), bankrupt emotionally, vacant spiritually, and many physically broken. FEAR manifested in every single part of life.

You are being loved until you can love yourself, so reach out. Find someone who has what you want and clip yourself to their beltloop--ask 'em questions about the H.O.W. of sobriety; ask about rigorous honesty and what that means; ask them why you feel so incredibly awkward and incomplete without your 'bestie alcohol' to smooth over the discomfort. It's what the fellowship is for--discussing the daily walk to a happy destiny. You may get answers on a forum, but you will not make the Face-2-Face connections you need to experience truth. It was impossible to think myself into a new way of living; I have to live my way into a new way of thinking. Ask 'em about that, too. It is, in fact, a One Day At A Time lifestyle.

So. If you're uncomfortable and you're still coming to meetings, it's okay. I drank to change how I felt in those situations. The Twelve Steps, THE PROGRAM that is AA, are designed to develop tools to overcome those feelings and fears without the bottle--and bring one closer to a relationship with Whomever/Whatever we choose to call God in the journey through this life. An unshakeable relationship (not a religion) that we learn to lean on in every aspect of life--just like alcohol used to be fefore it stopped working.

Go to your meetings. Do the Steps. Read the literature. Get involved. A new life awaits, but hand-wringing and arguing with every single opinion (my "normal" method of problem solving when in my cups/containers) will only make seeking relief by old methods begin to seem reasonable once again. That's called insanity. As you are well aware.

And congratulations again for having the stones to do what others have done in a proven path to sobriety and a better way of life.

Music

Tell you what! Make a copy of the above post and when you're introduced to someone, say to them what you've written. You'll probably find that you're not alone, that we've all felt this way in the beginning, and you're bound to get some help in the way of encouragment to hang in there and this will pass.

Mountainmanbob

that's a more than fine start
your AA Program is your Program worked

maybe if you asked the older Lady
if she would be your temporary sponsor she could be of some help
there's not much pressure on either of you with this situation
then see what happens with some time ?

reading and studying the AA Big Book with a recovered drunk
helps us to understand alcoholism

Mountainman

BadCompany

Quit beating yourself up. Quit demanding so much of yourself. You are doing just fine. Keep moving foreward in small increments and you'll be ok.

Boleo

As has been suggested already;

1. Get a home group

2. Get a service position

3. Get a sponsor

4. Work the steps

5. Try to help other alcoholics

Just remember, you don't actually have to be good at doing any of these things, you just have to be willing to try. The results are above your pay grade.

mick3580

Awesome post, Boleo !

CaiHong

Ettie,

I agree Kathleen described how you can feel at meetings very well indeed.
My emotions were all over the place in early sobriety and at meetings. I still get very tearful but it's just emotion releasing itself.

Hang in there it does take time but boy is it worth it.

Love
CaiHong