My father relapsed today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 6
My father relapsed today
I dont know where to begin, but Ill try to include everything..
I live at home currently, with my mother and father while I attend school.
My dad is in his 50's and has been drinking for over 15 years
Back in February he stopped paying the rent, which resulted in me, him, and mother all having to move after being evicted in early June..
During the middle of May he checked into rehab, and went through detox, as well as going to meetings as part of his outpatient program..
As of today I noticed he was talking like he did when he use to drink and knew he mustve started again..
So me and my mother went into the garage where he was earlier and after some searching found a cold, 1/2 can of beer hidden in a box...
Idk what to do from here...
Everything was going great until this
Now the stress, and money problems will begin again
Any advice on what to do when something like this happens..
I feel like if him being evicted and having to go through detox/treatment didnt get him to quit then nothing will
I live at home currently, with my mother and father while I attend school.
My dad is in his 50's and has been drinking for over 15 years
Back in February he stopped paying the rent, which resulted in me, him, and mother all having to move after being evicted in early June..
During the middle of May he checked into rehab, and went through detox, as well as going to meetings as part of his outpatient program..
As of today I noticed he was talking like he did when he use to drink and knew he mustve started again..
So me and my mother went into the garage where he was earlier and after some searching found a cold, 1/2 can of beer hidden in a box...
Idk what to do from here...
Everything was going great until this
Now the stress, and money problems will begin again
Any advice on what to do when something like this happens..
I feel like if him being evicted and having to go through detox/treatment didnt get him to quit then nothing will
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Quantum superposition
Posts: 46
Did you confront him? I would probably confront him right away so he doesn't think he's getting away with being sneaky. I don't really know what else you can do because I don't know the full situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by LazyBonez 
Did you confront him? I would probably confront him right away so he doesn't think he's getting away with being sneaky. I don't really know what else you can do because I don't know the full situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
assure him that he can do it again
Originally Posted by Jordan23
Any advice on what to do when something like this happens..
you guys need to confront him
tell him you love him
but
you love him even more when he is sober
he had some sober time and he can do it again
he has to be convinced by now
that drinking does not work for him (point that out)
for many relapse is part of their beginning in recovery
some have to be burnt by the hot stove many times
before finally getting a clue to
keep the plug in the jug
Mountainman
tell him you love him
but
you love him even more when he is sober
he had some sober time and he can do it again
he has to be convinced by now
that drinking does not work for him (point that out)
for many relapse is part of their beginning in recovery
some have to be burnt by the hot stove many times
before finally getting a clue to
keep the plug in the jug
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Jordan23
I dont know where to begin, but Ill try to include everything..
I live at home currently, with my mother and father while I attend school.
My dad is in his 50's and has been drinking for over 15 years
Back in February he stopped paying the rent, which resulted in me, him, and mother all having to move after being evicted in early June..
During the middle of May he checked into rehab, and went through detox, as well as going to meetings as part of his outpatient program..
As of today I noticed he was talking like he did when he use to drink and knew he mustve started again..
So me and my mother went into the garage where he was earlier and after some searching found a cold, 1/2 can of beer hidden in a box...
Idk what to do from here...
Everything was going great until this
Now the stress, and money problems will begin again
Any advice on what to do when something like this happens..
I feel like if him being evicted and having to go through detox/treatment didnt get him to quit then nothing will
I live at home currently, with my mother and father while I attend school.
My dad is in his 50's and has been drinking for over 15 years
Back in February he stopped paying the rent, which resulted in me, him, and mother all having to move after being evicted in early June..
During the middle of May he checked into rehab, and went through detox, as well as going to meetings as part of his outpatient program..
As of today I noticed he was talking like he did when he use to drink and knew he mustve started again..
So me and my mother went into the garage where he was earlier and after some searching found a cold, 1/2 can of beer hidden in a box...
Idk what to do from here...
Everything was going great until this
Now the stress, and money problems will begin again
Any advice on what to do when something like this happens..
I feel like if him being evicted and having to go through detox/treatment didnt get him to quit then nothing will
Welcome to SR....I'm glad you reached out to us.....
I can only begin to imagine how you and your mother felt when you discovered that hidden beer can....
In your post, you mentioned that you don't know what to do from here....
May I suggest to you and your mother to try attending an Al-Anon Meeting?
There you will learn about the 3 C's...
1) You didn't cause it...
2) You can't control it
3) You can't cure it....
Although being evicted and going through detox/treatment didn't get him to stop this time, doesn't mean that all hope is lost....
However, whether he stops or not, attending Al-anon will teach you how to live a satisfying life for yourself whether he's drinking or not....
I'm wondering if maybe your dad only drank 1/2 the beer because he realized what he was doing and decided to stop?
I know it's so hard not to think the worst regarding the money problems, eviction, etc....That may indeed happen again or maybe not....
Based on what you've shared so far, is your father the sole provider for the family? If so, I can see why you are concerned, but it's not your job to "fix" your dad or save your mom from him....
If she has the same concerns as you do regarding your family's living arrangements, I'm sure she will act accordingly....
If for some reason, she decides to stay, then you will need to decide what you can live with....
Is there anyone else in your family who is aware of what's been going on?
Maybe you can reach out to them for support and possibly stay with them on a temporary basis just in case your current living arrangement changes....
I'm so sorry that you have to be dealing with this while going to school....
College is stressful enough without this being added to the mix....
You may also want to read the "Stickies" that are at the top of this forum...
There's a lot of information there that you will likely be able to identify with...
Keep on posting....
We're here to help....
All the best,
Linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Diva76
Hello Jordan,
Welcome to SR....I'm glad you reached out to us.....
I can only begin to imagine how you and your mother felt when you discovered that hidden beer can....
In your post, you mentioned that you don't know what to do from here....
May I suggest to you and your mother to try attending an Al-Anon Meeting?
There you will learn about the 3 C's...
1) You didn't cause it...
2) You can't control it
3) You can't cure it....
Although being evicted and going through detox/treatment didn't get him to stop this time, doesn't mean that all hope is lost....
However, whether he stops or not, attending Al-anon will teach you how to live a satisfying life for yourself whether he's drinking or not....
I'm wondering if maybe your dad only drank 1/2 the beer because he realized what he was doing and decided to stop?
I know it's so hard not to think the worst regarding the money problems, eviction, etc....That may indeed happen again or maybe not....
Based on what you've shared so far, is your father the sole provider for the family? If so, I can see why you are concerned, but it's not your job to "fix" your dad or save your mom from him....
If she has the same concerns as you do regarding your family's living arrangements, I'm sure she will act accordingly....
If for some reason, she decides to stay, then you will need to decide what you can live with....
Is there anyone else in your family who is aware of what's been going on?
Maybe you can reach out to them for support and possibly stay with them on a temporary basis just in case your current living arrangement changes....
I'm so sorry that you have to be dealing with this while going to school....
College is stressful enough without this being added to the mix....
You may also want to read the "Stickies" that are at the top of this forum...
There's a lot of information there that you will likely be able to identify with...
Keep on posting....
We're here to help....
All the best,
Linda
Welcome to SR....I'm glad you reached out to us.....
I can only begin to imagine how you and your mother felt when you discovered that hidden beer can....
In your post, you mentioned that you don't know what to do from here....
May I suggest to you and your mother to try attending an Al-Anon Meeting?
There you will learn about the 3 C's...
1) You didn't cause it...
2) You can't control it
3) You can't cure it....
Although being evicted and going through detox/treatment didn't get him to stop this time, doesn't mean that all hope is lost....
However, whether he stops or not, attending Al-anon will teach you how to live a satisfying life for yourself whether he's drinking or not....
I'm wondering if maybe your dad only drank 1/2 the beer because he realized what he was doing and decided to stop?
I know it's so hard not to think the worst regarding the money problems, eviction, etc....That may indeed happen again or maybe not....
Based on what you've shared so far, is your father the sole provider for the family? If so, I can see why you are concerned, but it's not your job to "fix" your dad or save your mom from him....
If she has the same concerns as you do regarding your family's living arrangements, I'm sure she will act accordingly....
If for some reason, she decides to stay, then you will need to decide what you can live with....
Is there anyone else in your family who is aware of what's been going on?
Maybe you can reach out to them for support and possibly stay with them on a temporary basis just in case your current living arrangement changes....
I'm so sorry that you have to be dealing with this while going to school....
College is stressful enough without this being added to the mix....
You may also want to read the "Stickies" that are at the top of this forum...
There's a lot of information there that you will likely be able to identify with...
Keep on posting....
We're here to help....
All the best,
Linda
Beginning back in February is when the drinking caused him to start spending more money and calling into work more often..That ment the rent was getting behind, until everything came to a head in May, which resulted in us being told that we have to move out..
During the time we found out we were being evicted his behavior became so bad that after a (long story) we finally got him to go to rehab and detox, which he did for a few weeks.
During the time of eviction and while he was in the hospital, a family member gave us a very generous amount of money so that we could have money to put down on a new place..
When he got out everything was good and he wasnt drinking and going to his meetings
Up until today everything seemed fine, no reason to believe he was drinking again..
then later today I noticed he was doing that dumb talk that people do when drunk, the kind that doesnt really make much sense.. Its just that "tone" of someone drunk ya know..
So Im assuming he drank more then half a can due to the way he was talking and he just forgot about the cold 1/2 one me and my mother found..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Jordan23
Hey, thanks for the reply.. I'll go into some more detail
Beginning back in February is when the drinking caused him to start spending more money and calling into work more often..That ment the rent was getting behind, until everything came to a head in May, which resulted in us being told that we have to move out..
During the time we found out we were being evicted his behavior became so bad that after a (long story) we finally got him to go to rehab and detox, which he did for a few weeks.
During the time of eviction and while he was in the hospital, a family member gave us a very generous amount of money so that we could have money to put down on a new place..
When he got out everything was good and he wasnt drinking and going to his meetings
Up until today everything seemed fine, no reason to believe he was drinking again..
then later today I noticed he was doing that dumb talk that people do when drunk, the kind that doesnt really make much sense.. Its just that "tone" of someone drunk ya know..
So Im assuming he drank more then half a can due to the way he was talking and he just forgot about the cold 1/2 one me and my mother found..
Beginning back in February is when the drinking caused him to start spending more money and calling into work more often..That ment the rent was getting behind, until everything came to a head in May, which resulted in us being told that we have to move out..
During the time we found out we were being evicted his behavior became so bad that after a (long story) we finally got him to go to rehab and detox, which he did for a few weeks.
During the time of eviction and while he was in the hospital, a family member gave us a very generous amount of money so that we could have money to put down on a new place..
When he got out everything was good and he wasnt drinking and going to his meetings
Up until today everything seemed fine, no reason to believe he was drinking again..
then later today I noticed he was doing that dumb talk that people do when drunk, the kind that doesnt really make much sense.. Its just that "tone" of someone drunk ya know..
So Im assuming he drank more then half a can due to the way he was talking and he just forgot about the cold 1/2 one me and my mother found..
You're very welcome....
I read through some of the other responses and I DEFINTELY agree that you and your mother should confront him....
Otherwise, if you go about your business as if nothing happened, this sends the message that what he did was ok and it most certainly is NOT....
If his response is defensive or complete lies and nonsense, (which is likely) You can kindly, but firmly call him out on it.....
This way you won't be enabling him....
Will there by any consequences for this drinking in the new house, given that your relatives were kind of enough to help financially?
I'm not sure if there were any "disclaimers" regarding the financial "bail out" or not, but I have a strong feeling that your relatives would not be pleased to hear that they are in a sense, enabling your father to continue drinking...
I feel if your relatives did not provide the financial support, the eviction would have hit him much harder.....
Perhaps then, he would have concluded that spending more money on alcohol and subsequently not showing up for work=no place for he and his family to live....
Based on what you have shared so far, it seems to me that your family really needs to come together on what they will and will not tolerate when it comes to your dad and his drinking....And, if and when your family does this, it is imperative that you stick with those boundaries, otherwise it will all be for naught.....
I hope things will improve for you soon....
Linda
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome Jordan, sorry for what you are going through. There is a lot of information available here that I believe you and your mother may find helpful in dealing with your father. Also, was there any family therapy involved with his detox program? I would also recommend you and your mom look into Al-Anon.
There is something I think may be important for you when you confront your father about the beer...please do not issue any threats or ultimatums unless you are ready to actually enforce them. What is recommended here, and through various other sources, is to set boundaries for yourself...boundaries are meant for you to protect yourself from getting dragged down with the disease and its affects. For example, one of the boundaries I am currently enforcing is "I will not live with an active alcoholic or someone in early recovery." When my RAH was still drinking and home, one of my boundaries was "I will not converse with AH when he is or has been drinking."
Another tool that I would guess will be very helpful for you is detachment. This is a tough one for many of us to learn (still working on it myself). The idea of detachment is to own your stuff and allow others to own their stuff. This allows you to not allow the A's behaviors/thoughts/feelings to affect your own. There are quite a few posts about this if you look through the threads, again, difficult to learn so it comes up often.
I hope that your confrontation is productive and that you will keep reading & posting...there is a lot of support here for all of your family.
There is something I think may be important for you when you confront your father about the beer...please do not issue any threats or ultimatums unless you are ready to actually enforce them. What is recommended here, and through various other sources, is to set boundaries for yourself...boundaries are meant for you to protect yourself from getting dragged down with the disease and its affects. For example, one of the boundaries I am currently enforcing is "I will not live with an active alcoholic or someone in early recovery." When my RAH was still drinking and home, one of my boundaries was "I will not converse with AH when he is or has been drinking."
Another tool that I would guess will be very helpful for you is detachment. This is a tough one for many of us to learn (still working on it myself). The idea of detachment is to own your stuff and allow others to own their stuff. This allows you to not allow the A's behaviors/thoughts/feelings to affect your own. There are quite a few posts about this if you look through the threads, again, difficult to learn so it comes up often.
I hope that your confrontation is productive and that you will keep reading & posting...there is a lot of support here for all of your family.
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