Day 39 and losing it
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Day 39 and losing it
Sooo I am pretty much feeling crazy all the time. No cigarettes or beers in 39 days and I have been walking every day but today I started to feel like I am going out of my mind. Everywhere I look I see happy, functional people and I just feel like a piece of garbage floating in the wind. Something is not right, and I feel that I felt happier when I was drinking, even getting through a hangover is better than this unreal feeling of constant terror and anxiety. Also, my health insurance does not cover any counseling/psychological stuff, and I have no money to pay for it, so I will have to stop my medical stuff tomorrow. Life is just a pit of hell--I cannot listen to music, I cannot read, I cannot play my instruments, I cannot enjoy anything at all. It's just pure hell, and I am going to drink if this does not change, because I would rather be drunk than this dead inside. Sorry to vent but I have never felt this horrible in my life, and I cannot concentrate or focus or look forward to any good things happening. Nothing in my life is good and I am invisible so it doesn't matter if I drink. I don't have a relationship, I don't have kids, and I don't have to worry about anyone but my self.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Acheleus,
Good job on 39 days.
I don't mean to be a downer, but I didn't feel better for many, many months after I stopped drinking. It seemed to take a long time for my body to recover from all the damage I did, the brain and soul being the last to recover.
I had hoped that when I finally decided to quit drinking forever, that my life would magically be all better. Snap. It didn't work that way for me. I was a part time artist...mostly drawing and painting.....in my early life. Used to think I was more creative when I had a couple of drinks. Ha. Anyway, I only started painting again about three years ago. I must say, I am much more creative now.
You say you don't like to read? I love to read, sometimes two books at a time. I was not really interested in the first months....it wouldn't hold my attention. So I started reading a lot of alcohol related books. I loved finding stories that related to mine.
Anyway, just a thought.
I hope you can find the will in yourself to give this the time it needs.
I have faith in you.
Good job on 39 days.
I don't mean to be a downer, but I didn't feel better for many, many months after I stopped drinking. It seemed to take a long time for my body to recover from all the damage I did, the brain and soul being the last to recover.
I had hoped that when I finally decided to quit drinking forever, that my life would magically be all better. Snap. It didn't work that way for me. I was a part time artist...mostly drawing and painting.....in my early life. Used to think I was more creative when I had a couple of drinks. Ha. Anyway, I only started painting again about three years ago. I must say, I am much more creative now.
You say you don't like to read? I love to read, sometimes two books at a time. I was not really interested in the first months....it wouldn't hold my attention. So I started reading a lot of alcohol related books. I loved finding stories that related to mine.
Anyway, just a thought.
I hope you can find the will in yourself to give this the time it needs.
I have faith in you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 2,294
I agree with Ohta, 39 days is wonderful! You don't say how long you have been drinking but many of us abused our bodies and minds for years and it takes a while to heal. I feel so much more creative now that I do not drink, my writing comes easier and I manage to make deadlines when needed.
I had and still have days when I get discouraged, but I just have to remember the worst day sober has to be better than the best day drunk.
I had and still have days when I get discouraged, but I just have to remember the worst day sober has to be better than the best day drunk.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Acheleus,
Hey from a hardcore alcoholic. When I was reading what you said, I am full of empathy for you and by no means ignorant of where you're coming from. I read what you've said and I know I've been there. I haven't forgotten being there.
I can go in detail about how I nearly ended up homeless. How I robbed from my own mother. I can list things a slew of things that no decent person would ever do, were it not for addiction. I'd much rather talk about how I gained financial independence, two jobs that I love for the world, a new relationship with my family and a general, daily peace. That's all sobriety, man. Nothing else.
That "hell" you're feeling is not a mark of failure and it's not a sign you're doing the wrong thing. Sobriety in the early stages can be hellish. The reason we say "don't give in, keep going" is that sobriety is the only way for 99.9% of us out of that circle of hell. It gets better, it just never gets better when and as soon as you hope it does. Going back to using is more predictable--short term relief while your life in general deteriorates. But sobriety is still your option, no matter if you've got one week, one day or one minute. A lot of us have found a winning solution; we'll help get you to one if you have the determination to get sober.
Hey from a hardcore alcoholic. When I was reading what you said, I am full of empathy for you and by no means ignorant of where you're coming from. I read what you've said and I know I've been there. I haven't forgotten being there.
I can go in detail about how I nearly ended up homeless. How I robbed from my own mother. I can list things a slew of things that no decent person would ever do, were it not for addiction. I'd much rather talk about how I gained financial independence, two jobs that I love for the world, a new relationship with my family and a general, daily peace. That's all sobriety, man. Nothing else.
That "hell" you're feeling is not a mark of failure and it's not a sign you're doing the wrong thing. Sobriety in the early stages can be hellish. The reason we say "don't give in, keep going" is that sobriety is the only way for 99.9% of us out of that circle of hell. It gets better, it just never gets better when and as soon as you hope it does. Going back to using is more predictable--short term relief while your life in general deteriorates. But sobriety is still your option, no matter if you've got one week, one day or one minute. A lot of us have found a winning solution; we'll help get you to one if you have the determination to get sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,462
Glad you posted this, Ach. I know exactly how you feel. My suggestion, seek out some support groups in your town and tell them how you feel. I'd bet there would be other people that can relate. Hang in there
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
Sooo I am pretty much feeling crazy all the time. No cigarettes or beers in 39 days and I have been walking every day but today I started to feel like I am going out of my mind. Everywhere I look I see happy, functional people and I just feel like a piece of garbage floating in the wind. Something is not right, and I feel that I felt happier when I was drinking, even getting through a hangover is better than this unreal feeling of constant terror and anxiety. Also, my health insurance does not cover any counseling/psychological stuff, and I have no money to pay for it, so I will have to stop my medical stuff tomorrow. Life is just a pit of hell--I cannot listen to music, I cannot read, I cannot play my instruments, I cannot enjoy anything at all. It's just pure hell, and I am going to drink if this does not change, because I would rather be drunk than this dead inside. Sorry to vent but I have never felt this horrible in my life, and I cannot concentrate or focus or look forward to any good things happening. Nothing in my life is good and I am invisible so it doesn't matter if I drink. I don't have a relationship, I don't have kids, and I don't have to worry about anyone but my self.
That's the best I've got. I DO know what you speak of. I haven't forgotten that rotten feeling and it's been quite a few years since I had it.
Edited to say - yes, I meant to find some new pals on here, SR. There's so many people that you can touch base with, commiserate with, just talk to, when you're feeling like this.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Acheleus,
I've felt that way too. Fork in the road and both appeared to be roads to hell.
Thing was, it was a lie. I had to really watch myself on my all or nothing thinking at first. I felt pretty awful the first couple months but in truth there were days that were nice. So I clung to those. If I had one, I knew it was possible to have more.
I didn't know how long it would take to find some peace. I wasn't even looking for normal or happy at first. I just wanted some peace. Figured I would shoot low and then be pleasantly surprised if I got more. And I did.
All I know is I could not run back into the arms of the very thing that took it all away from me to begin with.
Hang in there. No one really knows when it will turn. If you had one good day in the 39, I'd be hanging on to that for dear life.
I hope you find some peace. You are NOT garbage by the way.
I've felt that way too. Fork in the road and both appeared to be roads to hell.
Thing was, it was a lie. I had to really watch myself on my all or nothing thinking at first. I felt pretty awful the first couple months but in truth there were days that were nice. So I clung to those. If I had one, I knew it was possible to have more.
I didn't know how long it would take to find some peace. I wasn't even looking for normal or happy at first. I just wanted some peace. Figured I would shoot low and then be pleasantly surprised if I got more. And I did.
All I know is I could not run back into the arms of the very thing that took it all away from me to begin with.
Hang in there. No one really knows when it will turn. If you had one good day in the 39, I'd be hanging on to that for dear life.
I hope you find some peace. You are NOT garbage by the way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 173
Hi Acheleus,
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now, but you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back over what you have accomplished. 39 days sober and without cigarettes, and walking every day is amazing! Reading that is inspiring me to put my cigarettes down and head out for a walk. I hope that you start to feel better soon. Change is hard, even when it's necessary and positive. Sending you good thoughts!
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now, but you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back over what you have accomplished. 39 days sober and without cigarettes, and walking every day is amazing! Reading that is inspiring me to put my cigarettes down and head out for a walk. I hope that you start to feel better soon. Change is hard, even when it's necessary and positive. Sending you good thoughts!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I don't know why I am thinking about all the horrible things that have happened in my life. Family suicides, financial catastrophe, my mother going to jail, me not talking to my mother any more, no family help or relationships, me driving my girlfriend away, suicidal thoughts. So I am hoping to find a way to deal with things and not be drunk all the time. Everything is very slow, the days are going by too fast, and I can't seem to wring any enjoyment out of my days, and I have to start school in a month and teach at the same time, so I am scared out of my mind about having all this responsibility soon. I guess I posted to just see if this is normal, because during the first few weeks I had more energy and positivity, but some days I do feel less anxious and hopeful about the future, but other days I see flames everywhere and just feel burned all the time. I'm just hoping this emotional pain and torture is part of the healing process or if I am insane. It would help to have friends but sadly I don't know anyone in this town and I don't really like being around people unless I am drunk. Somehow I forgot how to make friends, and I feel like I will never have friends or a gf.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
In my state we have clinics that charge on a sliding scale, some are even free. Have you looked into this? What about AA? Just trying to think of some free 3D support for you. You have come so far and I KNOW it's tough. I remember starting to feel the dark clouds after 60 days...
Sober since March 21, 2013
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 262
39 days with no beer or cigarettes - that is great Acheleus!
Either one is difficult to overcome and you have conquered both at the same time.
No wonder you feel unreal and still have some anxiety. That is your addictions screaming for a fix.
If you stay sober, and eat and drink healthy foods, all of your former interest will return with an even deeper sense of enjoyment and appreciation. Each day gets a little better.
If you decide to drink you know you will have more hangovers and anxiety.
I hope you continue to chose sobriety - It would be a shame to throw away 40 days.
Either one is difficult to overcome and you have conquered both at the same time.
No wonder you feel unreal and still have some anxiety. That is your addictions screaming for a fix.
If you stay sober, and eat and drink healthy foods, all of your former interest will return with an even deeper sense of enjoyment and appreciation. Each day gets a little better.
If you decide to drink you know you will have more hangovers and anxiety.
I hope you continue to chose sobriety - It would be a shame to throw away 40 days.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Ach - it was a good 3 months for me before I felt anything other than confusion and weirdness. It was rough, but I held faith that what everyone here was saying would be true.
Wouldn't you know, they were right. It did get better. Tremendously. I quit in September and by Christmas I was just starting to come out of the fog.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!! The only person who matters right now is YOU so try to focus on yourself and don't take on the problems of life in general until your brain has time to adjust to sobriety. There will be plenty of time to decide how to improve your life, meet people, etc. but none of that will happen if you pick up again. Deep down, you know that. Don't take the easy way out - fight for yourself and keep going. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
Wouldn't you know, they were right. It did get better. Tremendously. I quit in September and by Christmas I was just starting to come out of the fog.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!! The only person who matters right now is YOU so try to focus on yourself and don't take on the problems of life in general until your brain has time to adjust to sobriety. There will be plenty of time to decide how to improve your life, meet people, etc. but none of that will happen if you pick up again. Deep down, you know that. Don't take the easy way out - fight for yourself and keep going. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by Acheleus
.... and I have to start school in a month and teach at the same time, so I am scared out of my mind about having all this responsibility soon. I guess I posted to just see if this is normal, --- I feel like I will never have friends or a gf.
stupidly thought you were in a different spot so I apologize for my post tht really had nothin to do with your bottom line..
Best to you man - disregard the other post.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Please don't quit staying stopped yet. Yeah, it feels like that, but know that you are on the road to healing....it's a shift inside of you, keep moving forward. We get used to our artificial highs, but seriously, your abilities are going to come back more strong and fierce than ever!!
Feeling good is uncomfortable to us in the beginning. It seems unnatural, but that uncomfortable feeling is more natural, so allow the shift to take hold of you.....
Anxiety and depression are a large part of untreated alcoholism.
Hang on and ride the healing process, even if it feels like this now, it's not going to be this way forever. Get to AA and stop insisting that god doesn't exist; work those steps and get to step 7 at least..... it's free. Those steps have changed my life and all I needed was willingness to believe that those steps work (they did for me).
You are going to be an excellent teacher!! Great students make great teachers!!!!
Feeling good is uncomfortable to us in the beginning. It seems unnatural, but that uncomfortable feeling is more natural, so allow the shift to take hold of you.....
Anxiety and depression are a large part of untreated alcoholism.
Hang on and ride the healing process, even if it feels like this now, it's not going to be this way forever. Get to AA and stop insisting that god doesn't exist; work those steps and get to step 7 at least..... it's free. Those steps have changed my life and all I needed was willingness to believe that those steps work (they did for me).
You are going to be an excellent teacher!! Great students make great teachers!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
I hope you don't take this as medical advice-I'm no doctor-, but is it possible you may have some sort of depression that should be treated? I had the post-partum kind and went back and forth between feelings of hopelessness and low motivation and anxiety/feelings of impending doom. My doc explained to me that they're two sides of the same coin. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it may be a good idea to discuss it with your dr. (I know your insurance doesn't cover psych but I hope you have a PCP and he/she can help. I never got psych help or counseling myself but my doctor did help in different ways and I eventually got better. The longer you let severe depression go, the worse it gets. I hope you get some help.
Best,
Junegirl
Best,
Junegirl
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Acheleus
. Nothing in my life is good and I am invisible so it doesn't matter if I drink..
You are very early in sobriety, you need to give it time and work on the other issues you have now uncovered.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: colorado springs
Posts: 6
Hey acheleus,
I'm not really the one who should Be giving advice after all I'm only a week sober today but, I would like to tell you that your not the only one who hasn't talk to their mother. I haven't talk to my mom in over 13 years. She is a severe addict to both alcohol and drugs. So I know how isolated you feel from your family trust me. And as far as your last statement goes about not Being in a relationship or having any kids or anything, Just Imagine how Much more lonely you will feel if you pick up a beer man. I haven't had a relationship in over eight years because of my alcoholism And let me tell you man it's a lonely lonely life. I know you feel extremely lonely now and you feel like nobody understands but Remember where you are man we're all going to the same things. I'm still lonely and alone and not in a relationship but I know if I begin drinking again I'll feel way way lonelier. And the people on here are absolutely amazing man just coming on here makes me feel like I'm not alone as much. I read a bunch of stories on here and a bunch of people Have gone through the same thing you're going through and the one thing that I found be true most all of them Is that given enough time it will pass. So hang in there bro We are all there for you man
I'm not really the one who should Be giving advice after all I'm only a week sober today but, I would like to tell you that your not the only one who hasn't talk to their mother. I haven't talk to my mom in over 13 years. She is a severe addict to both alcohol and drugs. So I know how isolated you feel from your family trust me. And as far as your last statement goes about not Being in a relationship or having any kids or anything, Just Imagine how Much more lonely you will feel if you pick up a beer man. I haven't had a relationship in over eight years because of my alcoholism And let me tell you man it's a lonely lonely life. I know you feel extremely lonely now and you feel like nobody understands but Remember where you are man we're all going to the same things. I'm still lonely and alone and not in a relationship but I know if I begin drinking again I'll feel way way lonelier. And the people on here are absolutely amazing man just coming on here makes me feel like I'm not alone as much. I read a bunch of stories on here and a bunch of people Have gone through the same thing you're going through and the one thing that I found be true most all of them Is that given enough time it will pass. So hang in there bro We are all there for you man
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Thank you guys for the positive advice. I am seeing a counselor tomorrow for the second time and I am seeing a doctor Friday. So I will try some medication and therapy for depression, I self-medicated with alcohol for years. I just finished a good novel and feel that with practice I can get my mind and soul back. I hope everyone on SR is well.
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