New to Al-Anon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
Posts: 10
New to Al-Anon
Hi everyone!
This is my first visit here. I guess I'll tell you a little about my situation.
I met this guy online in Jan. and we've talked everday for hours on the phone since then. (long-distance) I figured out and he finally told me he's an A. It sounds crazy, but we love each other very much and haven't even met in person yet. He had a binge and blackout Sat. and told me he wants to change. -To go back to AA meeetings and get a sponsor this time and quit drinking for good. We want a good, stable future together. He keeps asking me if I'm sure I know what I'm up for and warned me it would be rough.
He told me to go to AL-Anon and hear what others had to say so I'd know what to expect and not be shocked when we meet in person. I'm going to spend a week with him this summer and he's already wanting me to move where to he lives. But I don't want to interfere with his getting help. Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Or am I just crazy? He said he's never loved anyone or felt like this with anyone before (trust me, we've talked about anything and everything)and he wants a better life for himself, his kids, and us. Is this normal A talk, manipulation, etc.? I want him to get help so badly, but I want him to do it for himself, not for me. Should I bail before I get too deeply involved?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening. It felt good to vent a little.
This is my first visit here. I guess I'll tell you a little about my situation.
I met this guy online in Jan. and we've talked everday for hours on the phone since then. (long-distance) I figured out and he finally told me he's an A. It sounds crazy, but we love each other very much and haven't even met in person yet. He had a binge and blackout Sat. and told me he wants to change. -To go back to AA meeetings and get a sponsor this time and quit drinking for good. We want a good, stable future together. He keeps asking me if I'm sure I know what I'm up for and warned me it would be rough.
He told me to go to AL-Anon and hear what others had to say so I'd know what to expect and not be shocked when we meet in person. I'm going to spend a week with him this summer and he's already wanting me to move where to he lives. But I don't want to interfere with his getting help. Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Or am I just crazy? He said he's never loved anyone or felt like this with anyone before (trust me, we've talked about anything and everything)and he wants a better life for himself, his kids, and us. Is this normal A talk, manipulation, etc.? I want him to get help so badly, but I want him to do it for himself, not for me. Should I bail before I get too deeply involved?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening. It felt good to vent a little.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Princess,
Welcome, I'm glad you found us.
If you are getting involved with someone with the idea that they will change you are only heading into disappointment. If you are going to get involved you need to look at it as it is. He is an alcoholic. He may always be an alcohoic. You will be with an alcoholic. Remember that words and promices mean nothing.
If he wanted to change for himself and his children he would have been working on it already. If he hasn't done it for his children, he probably won't be able to do it for you either.
Read all of the posts here and see if that's the way you want to spend your life. Look at it for what it is, not what it might be.
You are a princess and you should have a prince. Don't settle for something less. Keep comming here and read the posts of others living with alcoholics.
MG
[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited May 18, 2002).]
Welcome, I'm glad you found us.
If you are getting involved with someone with the idea that they will change you are only heading into disappointment. If you are going to get involved you need to look at it as it is. He is an alcoholic. He may always be an alcohoic. You will be with an alcoholic. Remember that words and promices mean nothing.
If he wanted to change for himself and his children he would have been working on it already. If he hasn't done it for his children, he probably won't be able to do it for you either.
Read all of the posts here and see if that's the way you want to spend your life. Look at it for what it is, not what it might be.
You are a princess and you should have a prince. Don't settle for something less. Keep comming here and read the posts of others living with alcoholics.
MG
[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited May 18, 2002).]
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Princess!
Welcome to the recovery forum!
AA encourages members not to begin a new relationship before they have had a year of sobriety. There are excellent reasons for this. I hope FaithfulLady pops in to give you her insight on that.
Morning Glory makes an excellent point. A man who can't clean up for his children probably can't clean up for you either. When people clean up, it is for themselves. That doesn't mean it's a lie and an attempt at manipulation. He may believe it with all his heart when he says it. But even though it may not be a lie... it is probably a daydream.
Are you letting yourself in for disaster? Possibly. But you are definitely letting yourself in for a hardship. I urge you with all my conviction to let him do his year of recovery without becoming romantically involved. What could be a solid relationship if you wait could be seriously endangered by the inconsistency of beginning recovery.
Keep posting! Hugs...
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum!
AA encourages members not to begin a new relationship before they have had a year of sobriety. There are excellent reasons for this. I hope FaithfulLady pops in to give you her insight on that.
Morning Glory makes an excellent point. A man who can't clean up for his children probably can't clean up for you either. When people clean up, it is for themselves. That doesn't mean it's a lie and an attempt at manipulation. He may believe it with all his heart when he says it. But even though it may not be a lie... it is probably a daydream.
Are you letting yourself in for disaster? Possibly. But you are definitely letting yourself in for a hardship. I urge you with all my conviction to let him do his year of recovery without becoming romantically involved. What could be a solid relationship if you wait could be seriously endangered by the inconsistency of beginning recovery.
Keep posting! Hugs...
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
Posts: 10
Thanks for the replies.
I was sitting here reading a book I bought yesterday called 'The Recovery Book'- "a life-saving guide that answers all the ques. and concerns of recovering alcoholics and addicts'. I never realized all the things an alcoholic goes through when trying to quit. I'm a nurse so I knew some of the medical things, but there's so much more involved. It seems so bad for people to have to go through all that. But I can also see the importance or not being in a relationship during that time. I really want my boyfriend to be able to quit drinking. On his own. He said I inspire him now and wants to quit again. He said he did it for 5 months in the past, but he lives alone now and doesn't get his kids ever weekend. And he drinks when he's lonely. (I'm not too naive though, I know he drinks when he's not lonely, when he's happy, when he's depressed, etc.)He thinks if I'm there with him I could give him the support he needs. But I know he would be depending on me and that could cause more problems during recovery I guess.I'm just very confused. I love him and want him to be well. But I care about myself also and I am scared too I guess.
I was sitting here reading a book I bought yesterday called 'The Recovery Book'- "a life-saving guide that answers all the ques. and concerns of recovering alcoholics and addicts'. I never realized all the things an alcoholic goes through when trying to quit. I'm a nurse so I knew some of the medical things, but there's so much more involved. It seems so bad for people to have to go through all that. But I can also see the importance or not being in a relationship during that time. I really want my boyfriend to be able to quit drinking. On his own. He said I inspire him now and wants to quit again. He said he did it for 5 months in the past, but he lives alone now and doesn't get his kids ever weekend. And he drinks when he's lonely. (I'm not too naive though, I know he drinks when he's not lonely, when he's happy, when he's depressed, etc.)He thinks if I'm there with him I could give him the support he needs. But I know he would be depending on me and that could cause more problems during recovery I guess.I'm just very confused. I love him and want him to be well. But I care about myself also and I am scared too I guess.
Guest
Posts: n/a
You're not alone Princess. All of us here, love an alcoholic. We all experience fear, pain, guilt, anger etc..
We come here to support each other through the rollercoster of emotions. We also have a lot of fun.
Keep reading and keep posting. Know that you're not alone.
Hugs,
MG
We come here to support each other through the rollercoster of emotions. We also have a lot of fun.
Keep reading and keep posting. Know that you're not alone.
Hugs,
MG
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cincinnati, ohio
Posts: 82
Princess,
Living with an alcoholic can sometimes be pure hell. Believe me, and the other billion or so people who do it.
They will lie (only about 99.99 % of the time) steel, cheat and manipulate anyone and everyone they can.
Please think long and hard before you make a decision. If you love each other as you say, then a year isn't long to give him time to recover, adn for you to do what you have to do.
Keep posting!
(((Princess)))
Hugs to all
Chandra
Living with an alcoholic can sometimes be pure hell. Believe me, and the other billion or so people who do it.
They will lie (only about 99.99 % of the time) steel, cheat and manipulate anyone and everyone they can.
Please think long and hard before you make a decision. If you love each other as you say, then a year isn't long to give him time to recover, adn for you to do what you have to do.
Keep posting!
(((Princess)))
Hugs to all
Chandra
Guest
Posts: n/a
Oh, Princess ... going to Al Anon is a great idea and I give him credit for suggesting this to you. You have the "good fortune" of knowing your love is an A before really getting too involved. I didn't find out until after I married mine. My dad was one (I realized that now) and I just hate the drinking. My A loves me more than life itself and would gladly lay down his life for me and my children. The thought of losing me is not enough either. I first thought that in this case, surely he can stop drinking cuz I want him to. Al Anon is invaluable in teaching us the "steps" which can actually be used in everyday life also. Part of me still thinks I can change him (Smoke, don't yell at me LOL) but I know I can't. There are many promises ... but they are not kept. I can't give you advice on what to do as far as your relationship goes but one piece of advice I will offer is to make sure that you can support the family (if you get married), that you have your own income, savings/checking accounts and are quite able to make it on your own.
Maryalice
Maryalice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
Posts: 10
Thanks. I also thought that was a good thing for my boyfriend to ask me to go to Al Anon so I would know what I would be in for if I decided to stick it out with him. And yeah, I've alrady heard some of his lies and he does know how to manipulate. And he's aware of that, and he has stopped himself several times when he and I both knew what he was up to. -or is that typical behavior? Wanting to change from lying and manipulating?
If I give him space for his yr of sobriety/recovery, what do I do in the meantime? Avoid any and all contact? That would be so hard, but if that's what it takes, I'd be willing to try it. I can't help but wonder, when (trying to think positive, not saying "if")he sobered up would he still love me? Or would we be strangers?
If I give him space for his yr of sobriety/recovery, what do I do in the meantime? Avoid any and all contact? That would be so hard, but if that's what it takes, I'd be willing to try it. I can't help but wonder, when (trying to think positive, not saying "if")he sobered up would he still love me? Or would we be strangers?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Princess,
Everyone here knows what they are talking about. Relationships are tough enough without adding the burdon of alcholism. And even without it you have not even met this man face to face. Perhaps you are putting the cart before the proverbial horse. He already sounds a bit needy...didn't you say that he could beat it if you were with him? That is alot of pressure for you...and if he wants to do it badly enough he will do it with or without you. I personally would not make any decision untill you have had alot of face to face time and if that involves a committment to move...maybe it is not meant to be. Then you are separated from your friends and family and more vulnerable to the potential devestation of alcoholism.
I guess what I am saying is to proceed with caution...even without his admitted alcoholism you won't truely know this man untill you spend alot more time with him.
Best wishes to you,
JT
Everyone here knows what they are talking about. Relationships are tough enough without adding the burdon of alcholism. And even without it you have not even met this man face to face. Perhaps you are putting the cart before the proverbial horse. He already sounds a bit needy...didn't you say that he could beat it if you were with him? That is alot of pressure for you...and if he wants to do it badly enough he will do it with or without you. I personally would not make any decision untill you have had alot of face to face time and if that involves a committment to move...maybe it is not meant to be. Then you are separated from your friends and family and more vulnerable to the potential devestation of alcoholism.
I guess what I am saying is to proceed with caution...even without his admitted alcoholism you won't truely know this man untill you spend alot more time with him.
Best wishes to you,
JT
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