Being hit on all fronts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
Being hit on all fronts?
My mother is an alcoholic and my fiancee is a recovering heroin addict.
He detoxed in my arms shortly after we got together and has been arrested twice on drug charges. (once right after we got together and once recently) He chose to go to residential rehab to straighten up his life once and for all. My mother (who was sober for most of my childhood and has been drinking heavily again for 3-4 years) had a brief sober spell of about 2 weeks. That happened about 2 months ago and she started drinking just as heavily shortly after she was sober. When she got sober she kicked my fiancee out of our house, she was the one who pressured him to move in in the first place, and started to make up rules specifically so I couldn't see him. I'm not imagining this, she told me that she doesn't think I should be around him (she has never given me any reason other than she doesn't like his mom). She also told my dad and my little sister she is "strongly concerned" I am doing heroin.I have NEVER even seen heroin and my fiancee has never done it around me
Now she is telling me I can't go visit him in rehab because she doesn't trust his mom.
I am at a loss at what to do, I want to be able to support my fiancee and have him support me. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and my mother is trying to destroy it. What should I do to keep myself safe and to stay in my fiancees life?
I am 17 and he is 23, I only add that because I can't move out or even spend any time with him without my mom threatening to get us both arrested and sent to jail.
Please help?
LucifersAngel
He detoxed in my arms shortly after we got together and has been arrested twice on drug charges. (once right after we got together and once recently) He chose to go to residential rehab to straighten up his life once and for all. My mother (who was sober for most of my childhood and has been drinking heavily again for 3-4 years) had a brief sober spell of about 2 weeks. That happened about 2 months ago and she started drinking just as heavily shortly after she was sober. When she got sober she kicked my fiancee out of our house, she was the one who pressured him to move in in the first place, and started to make up rules specifically so I couldn't see him. I'm not imagining this, she told me that she doesn't think I should be around him (she has never given me any reason other than she doesn't like his mom). She also told my dad and my little sister she is "strongly concerned" I am doing heroin.I have NEVER even seen heroin and my fiancee has never done it around me
Now she is telling me I can't go visit him in rehab because she doesn't trust his mom.
I am at a loss at what to do, I want to be able to support my fiancee and have him support me. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and my mother is trying to destroy it. What should I do to keep myself safe and to stay in my fiancees life?
I am 17 and he is 23, I only add that because I can't move out or even spend any time with him without my mom threatening to get us both arrested and sent to jail.
Please help?
LucifersAngel 
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry for what you are going through...it sure seems like a lot of heavy stuff for a 17 year old to handle. I am the mother of two teenaged girls, 15 & 19. Although I don't know your mom, as a mom I would be concerned about your safety when you are not legally old enough to be with him, in the eyes of the law. My oldest got hooked on heroin because of an older BF she met at 16. Please be careful.
I don't mean to sound harsh, and remember I am a mother, too...so I ask out of that motherly loving-care place: do you really need to be engaged to be married at 17? What's the rush? If he has relapsed twice, I think it may be wise to wait a while before consciously marrying an addict, recovering or not.
Try to take care of yourself first. I highly recommend going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings--they have helped me so much. You will meet a lot of very supportive and wise people there who have seen it all and will care about you for YOU. It is easy to get into a permanent kind of caretaker mindset when you have been raised by an alcoholic. The meetings will really, really help if you open yourself to the wisdom of the 12 Steps.
Take care.
I don't mean to sound harsh, and remember I am a mother, too...so I ask out of that motherly loving-care place: do you really need to be engaged to be married at 17? What's the rush? If he has relapsed twice, I think it may be wise to wait a while before consciously marrying an addict, recovering or not.
Try to take care of yourself first. I highly recommend going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings--they have helped me so much. You will meet a lot of very supportive and wise people there who have seen it all and will care about you for YOU. It is easy to get into a permanent kind of caretaker mindset when you have been raised by an alcoholic. The meetings will really, really help if you open yourself to the wisdom of the 12 Steps.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I am the mother of a 24 year old AS and I would not advise any girl to date him. It seems as if you have already spent a good deal of your life taking care of an addict ( your mother) do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking care of him?? You need to spend some time taking care of you. Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
L.A....
I have a very strong feeling that you are not going to find a single person alive who is going to tell you how to stay in his life. Whether we are an addict or a codependent...there is a common trait that we think we are different, that our personal love story is bigger and better and stronger and more "meant to be" than anyone else's. Most of us come here in pain, trying to figure out some of the same answers that you are seeking...but what we find out are answers to different questions.
I think many of us would answer the first half of your question..."How do I keep myself safe? " by saying get thee to an al anon meeting, keep posting and reading here, check in to the possibility of some therapy (there are free resources if you don't have insurance access...) and read some solid books like "Facing Codependency" by Pia Melody and "Codependent No More" by Mellodie Beatty.
You can learn how to keep yourself safe.
You found SR that is an awesome start.
However I would be willing to bet that you won't find a response here that will favor staying with this man who needs to get himself solid on a path of recovery.
Good luck!
Keep an open mind. We are on your side!
I have a very strong feeling that you are not going to find a single person alive who is going to tell you how to stay in his life. Whether we are an addict or a codependent...there is a common trait that we think we are different, that our personal love story is bigger and better and stronger and more "meant to be" than anyone else's. Most of us come here in pain, trying to figure out some of the same answers that you are seeking...but what we find out are answers to different questions.
I think many of us would answer the first half of your question..."How do I keep myself safe? " by saying get thee to an al anon meeting, keep posting and reading here, check in to the possibility of some therapy (there are free resources if you don't have insurance access...) and read some solid books like "Facing Codependency" by Pia Melody and "Codependent No More" by Mellodie Beatty.
You can learn how to keep yourself safe.
You found SR that is an awesome start.
However I would be willing to bet that you won't find a response here that will favor staying with this man who needs to get himself solid on a path of recovery.
Good luck!
Keep an open mind. We are on your side!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
GM- I'm sorry that happened to your daughter :/ heroin is one messed up drug.
Dorton- I never really took care of my mom. I let her sink if she wants to. The main thing that came out of her drinking was I learned to take care of myself. I've been doing that sense she started drinking. My fiancee is the only one in recent years who has taken care of me, at all.
Leslie- I don't know why you're thinking I am codependent? I honestly am not sure what that is...
To All- I think I should make it clear that through my whole relationship with this man he has been begging me to stay sober and has told me enough horror stories about drug use I never want to even smoke weed again. I was using xanax to try to deal with my anxiety and when he started to see me over do it he had a talk with me about the dangers of xanax and helped me to get off of them. He has supported me through 4 people I went to school with (one of whom was a close friend) passing away in a car accident. I'm not just holding the weight of his world on my shoulders... The simile we use most is we are both in the middle of an ocean and the only solid thing keeping us afloat is each other.
Dorton- I never really took care of my mom. I let her sink if she wants to. The main thing that came out of her drinking was I learned to take care of myself. I've been doing that sense she started drinking. My fiancee is the only one in recent years who has taken care of me, at all.
Leslie- I don't know why you're thinking I am codependent? I honestly am not sure what that is...
To All- I think I should make it clear that through my whole relationship with this man he has been begging me to stay sober and has told me enough horror stories about drug use I never want to even smoke weed again. I was using xanax to try to deal with my anxiety and when he started to see me over do it he had a talk with me about the dangers of xanax and helped me to get off of them. He has supported me through 4 people I went to school with (one of whom was a close friend) passing away in a car accident. I'm not just holding the weight of his world on my shoulders... The simile we use most is we are both in the middle of an ocean and the only solid thing keeping us afloat is each other.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Take a few deep breaths I see you want to be supportive of him but that will be hard to do because of the age issue I would think he would understand that when you get a chance to tell him what is going on as a mother this, is what concerns me :
This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in
I can only share my experience but I had a hard childhood like many other people I lived with different family members back and forth after my parents divorce when I was 7 without going into all the details when I got older I realized I had unhealthy relationships with guys even if I was mostly happy when dating because that was my normal world
Please educate yourself all you can about addiction.
This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in
I can only share my experience but I had a hard childhood like many other people I lived with different family members back and forth after my parents divorce when I was 7 without going into all the details when I got older I realized I had unhealthy relationships with guys even if I was mostly happy when dating because that was my normal world
Please educate yourself all you can about addiction.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Originally Posted by crazybabie 
Please educate yourself all you can about addiction.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I hope that your fiancé is able to kick this very powerful drug. And I hope and pray that you don't have the nightmare that many if us have experienced in relationships or marriages with active addicts.
Honestly, when I was your age, I wouldn't listen to anyone. I did what I did (married a drug addict at the tender age of 19) and no one could have persuaded me otherwise. I learned the hard way.....I pray that life treats you well.
Please.....take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Honestly, when I was your age, I wouldn't listen to anyone. I did what I did (married a drug addict at the tender age of 19) and no one could have persuaded me otherwise. I learned the hard way.....I pray that life treats you well.
Please.....take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
thanks kindeyes... and I'm honestly not trying to be defensive I'm just so used to never letting my guard down (except around Cody) that its really hard... It is getting easier as I start to get to know everyone in the community
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
angel...I am so glad you posted here...it shows courage and an ability to reach out and ask. lots of us have been where you are now...I just want to congratulate you for talking about it...and being willing to hear what others have to say. that shows a lot of maturity. i married a drinker who i fell in love with at age 16 (he was 19) because my parents were drinkers and i didn't even know the word addict much less codependent.
as my own children started using (3 over the past 16 years...two now thankfully sober, if not in recovery, and leading their own lives), i got involved in addiction education and my own recovery as a caretaker from the time I was young...had always thought of it as helping, assisting, being there for the person who had no one else to look to, etc., and i 'woke up' to the fact that my parents were alcoholics--and i have been growing and learning to be happy and to take care of myself ever since.
my children have been involved in 1) ecstacy, cocaine and raves, 2) crystal meth, and now 3) my active heroin addicted youngest daughter who is living in the streets and has been for four years. it has been h**l for me...and although I am happy my daughters are now doing well (the first two)...my 21 year old is lost and my family is broken apart as the siblings won't support the addict (although we all supported the first two), hubby and i no longer have any money to speak of and are starting over...thank you god I got work a few weeks ago, the kids are mad at me and won't let me stay with them...the ex crystal meth daughter is all about her own future and blames me for 'losing' everything...although it was spent on her and her sister...and my marriage is at risk.
I just went through the worst two years of my life (worse than losing a son 23 year years ago to infant death) as I realized that there was no one who really stood by me and it was up to me to take care of myself fully and completely without relying on any family...as the alcoholic mother is the same as yours (at least the blaming words sound the same...and I am 58 years old; she is 83), and I am alone because I realize that words are cheap, but that there are lots of people who will use me to get what they want and then leave when there is nothing else to give...including free room and board for many, receiving over 7-8 nephews and nieces over the years, taking in hubby's youngest sister after her mother died, standing by mother over last 11 years of Dad's invalid life, etc.
i hope you will continue to come back and stay in touch. i understand your feelings...have been there and am still married after 38 years...but it has been a very hard life...and i wish i had known at a younger age what i know now. I just want you to be safe and have a happy life...and like all of us...you can do it...one step and moment at a time...live and learn. Just keep coming back.
God Bless.
as my own children started using (3 over the past 16 years...two now thankfully sober, if not in recovery, and leading their own lives), i got involved in addiction education and my own recovery as a caretaker from the time I was young...had always thought of it as helping, assisting, being there for the person who had no one else to look to, etc., and i 'woke up' to the fact that my parents were alcoholics--and i have been growing and learning to be happy and to take care of myself ever since.
my children have been involved in 1) ecstacy, cocaine and raves, 2) crystal meth, and now 3) my active heroin addicted youngest daughter who is living in the streets and has been for four years. it has been h**l for me...and although I am happy my daughters are now doing well (the first two)...my 21 year old is lost and my family is broken apart as the siblings won't support the addict (although we all supported the first two), hubby and i no longer have any money to speak of and are starting over...thank you god I got work a few weeks ago, the kids are mad at me and won't let me stay with them...the ex crystal meth daughter is all about her own future and blames me for 'losing' everything...although it was spent on her and her sister...and my marriage is at risk.
I just went through the worst two years of my life (worse than losing a son 23 year years ago to infant death) as I realized that there was no one who really stood by me and it was up to me to take care of myself fully and completely without relying on any family...as the alcoholic mother is the same as yours (at least the blaming words sound the same...and I am 58 years old; she is 83), and I am alone because I realize that words are cheap, but that there are lots of people who will use me to get what they want and then leave when there is nothing else to give...including free room and board for many, receiving over 7-8 nephews and nieces over the years, taking in hubby's youngest sister after her mother died, standing by mother over last 11 years of Dad's invalid life, etc.
i hope you will continue to come back and stay in touch. i understand your feelings...have been there and am still married after 38 years...but it has been a very hard life...and i wish i had known at a younger age what i know now. I just want you to be safe and have a happy life...and like all of us...you can do it...one step and moment at a time...live and learn. Just keep coming back.
God Bless.
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