irisgardens

Struggling with hurt and anger after hitting complete bottom in my life at age 58 years old.

I don't know how I got here, but through loving and caring for and doing for alcoholic parents until Dad died...being turned on by alcoholic mother and super negative sister (they were my best friends until the day Dad died 13 years ago...I was 45...I had done for them, received them, helped them for a lifetime). From one day to the next...they stopped contacting me...when I contacted them...they told me what they really thought of me. Alcoholic mother told me she especially hated 'sharing' which has been a core value for me all my life...and I used the word a lot...and practiced it.

I have now, after 16 years with teenage kids (now adults) who have acted out with drugs and drinking...and all still drinking and going out...done everything I could think of or get advice on...to help and assist them in the tough love required to not love an addict to death. Absolutely no support, just judgment, from alcoholic mother and all three siblings...even when I told them what I was going to. I told them...because with the last daughter and this daughter...the risk of accidental OD and death was/is high as their DOC was crystal meth/heroin, respectively.

Bottomed out financially...although working a high stress job as a financial controller last year...and the ex crystal meth addict will not let me back into the apartment hubby and I got to share with her after we lost our own house and family business 3 years ago. She manipulates her father and he has always put the kids before me...and I finally told him that I wouldn't take it anymore. He will not take a stand with her...so once again, in a series of many events like this in my life...with alcoholic mother (Dad was alcoholic, but was always there to take my back...and then didn't drink the last 11 years of his life...and I got to have a good relationship with him) and hubby...who is a binge drinker and alcoholic.

I was in Chile...as that was the latest 'dream' of how things were going to get better, but they didn't and hubby didn't get the 'support' (e.g., taking care of by his sisters that he always got before...when we visited and they thought we were rich) and the workforce is lazy and it was hard for him to work and yada yada yada...and he wouldn't talk to me...but leaked emotionally...so I got rested from the last many years of emotional doing support by myself for kids, parents, hubby...and got a job.

My third daughter has been an active addict for 4 years...spent all my savings on counseling, rehabs, doctors...for the addict and me...and tried to do family when the kids were younger...but have turned into the identified patient in doing all this...and when I asked the family for pieces of help...was denied, told I was crazy and needed major psychological help. The worst one is the one we practically killed ourselves to work with in her addiction, subjecting my two younger kids of 7 and 5 to her shenanigans...and enabling her and secrets with the siblings and keeping me out of everything...and now the 7 year old is 21 and she is on the streets and the doors closed and the backs turned and on me too...as I pushed for them to do some sort of support.

I am devastated underneath, but it was a luxury to go down...so continued praying to HP, got a job over Skype (that is a HP miracle in finance industry), used my last one way ticket stub (that expired in August) to get back, friends offered hubby a place for me to stay...and I have been working for two weeks. I am being shunned, as I told the truth about our family financial situation and my frustration at the lack of 'recovery'-related education and support through both families...and it did not reflect well on hubby (who is a hard worker, but does not make profits in the construction jobs he does...and has taken from our savings and salary over many years...and has not listened to me when I bring up that there are other options).

I discovered that what the families believe is absolutely twisted...and that as the breadwinner, emotional support person, and 'strong' one during crisis...I am considered the 'crazy' and 'angry' one.

Learned that I will be scapegoated in this family as I was in the family of origin...after Dad died...and a whole new life came to me. Hubby is being supportive...but can't really get over the obstacles that the family...including hubby...put up...when I was trying to enlist us to work together to provide 'healthy' support for the sibling and daughter...and knowing what we did for the others...all who are doing well, working, and enjoying their lives with 'fun' things of their choice.

Hubby just wants me to move on...like many people in my life...whatever happened that is painful for me...is brushed under the rug and started over. I have known that I need to do more steps to change my life...because since starting my own recovery 16 years ago when first daughter was acting out, I respect myself more now...I am more able to be honest and open without judging my own self...I realize that I merit respect and I am thoroughly disillusioned with the lack of respect, or the older daughter and hubby saying that I need to 'understand' the feelings (how many years ... a lifetime of understanding feelings...saying the same things to my own sister who turned on me when Dad died...and she no longer needed my capacity for compassionate care) and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I am grateful to my higher power, that I got back into this site, Parents of Addicts support group, naranon and alanon in late February...had some sort of emotions crisis...where my support group held me together...found 'friends' in the states (when I was in Chile) who were able and willing to support me over the internet and a handful of friends from my previous stay there as a single woman in HS and college who stood by me. It was more than enough to start getting my spirits up and act.

I have stepped away (detached?) from all who pulled away...or rejected...it was so shocking and hurtful...because I rarely ask for help...but when I do...it is a desperate situation...and had a flashback to what my mother and sister did after Dad died...turning years of me being there for them into them being gone...disappeared...without a word...they were too busy with kids, travel and friends and fun...while I was recuperating from 80 hour weeks in finance, losing a child, having supported them both on weekends and free time in Dad's last eleven years of illness, and just being there for them. My doctor told me it was a genuine trauma...and I finally let go of contact after calling Mom from Chile...and having her tell me that she needed to hear from hubby (who wouldn't call--he borrowed money from her without me knowing it 4 years ago) because she didn't know if I was telling the truth (I am known to be a truth teller and have a reputation for integrity)...and also that I was very mentally unstable and needed major medical attention.

I have always had medical attention...after losing a child 23 years ago...the first thing I did was to get therapy and do support groups...and have a good relationship with my doctors and they even ask me for some of my homeopathic research.

I am grateful to be with friends, but am homeless until I save money for the apartment...hopefully very soon.

I am angry that I have an apartment on the other side of the bay that my name is a joint lessee on...and am not being allowed in and being verbally abused by this daughter...and now that I set boundaries, she is being vindictive.

I am angry that she is speaking the same words as my mother...they spent thanksgiving and easter at her house...and that her brother has also said the same. It is like there is a contagious disease.

I am having flashbacks to my mother...over a full childhood where whenever I asked for anything...she said no...always no...I called her the no person. I was a yes person like my dad. I am angry that she gave money to my hubby when she would have turned me down...but I don't ask for money. I am angry that I feel like I should repay that money, because I know that she never forgives anything about money. I am angry with myself that I have spent a lifetime timing to create a loving, unified family (from the time I was 5...it was my deepest wish) and now I have come to understand that it was never anything under my control and that I can't 'make' anybody stand by me or with me.

I am grateful for the loving presence of my friend and the support group I had in Chile...and the new job...it is good. I am anxious about my daughter...and I am going to look for her in the streets which is emotionally dangerous, but no one else will help. I am pissed that my hubby got us into another mess and probably has been manipulating my families perceptions of me as the 'bad cop' as my mother did around my dad and then when he died...me...for so many years.

I feel stupid, and like I have screwed everything up by being good hearted, positive minded...and giving my best.

I know I need to detach and just take one moment at a time or these feelings will poison me and I will go down. I have asked my higher power to work on me...and to give me guidance and show me the way to go...I will do it. I have done a lot of work on myself...and am grateful that I can go on...but the price has been so high. A wonderful spiritual mother-friend tells me that I am naturally drawn to selfish, narcissistic people...she was proud of me when I finally went no contact with alcoholic narcissistic mother in February.

I am always afraid of ending up completely alone and without family. I guess I feel that I am there, although I am not so dependent as I was 13 years ago on that toxic 'togetherness' that was killing me...especially when I realized that mother was not there for me in any of my hard situations...instead she tells me horrible things about myself or is gone and too busy...traveling and having fun with either my dad or friends.

I am clear that she as well as my sister only made their lives available to me when they had nobody else and I was 'up' and successful 'to their eyes'. I am not sure that I am married to anyone different...although hubby has done a lot with me around the kids support...but I do not know what I have in the marriage...after this latest incident...but am not taking action, as the financial stress and the need to start over as well as the need to do something (without enabling) to find my daughter are more than enough.

I am going to continue working my program and taking care of my own self better...I went way too far down and realized that I can never do that again. I learned...again...that I can trust few people...and need to be out of contact with those who so toxic and continue to teach me how unappreciated or even visible I am in their lives when I have nothing left to give.

I also saw hubby's family in a non-visitor perspective...and they all have similar traits...like my family...selfish, controlling, non-compassionate, every man for themselves, manipulative, demanding, gossipy about family members, stubborn beyond belief and unwilling to listen...judgmental although they tell their own sob stories (& received my support) as if it was the only tragedy in the world...while judging me after listening to my troubles, angry and name-callers. At least I know that there are genetic traits...ACOA all of them. It made me happier to be doing more recovery work. I saw who I could become without it.

Well, I am back and my friend confirmed for me that my children do not respect me. I, however, now...do respect myself more...so will deal with things. I cannot do anything more in the family of origin...it was traumatic after Dad died...like the lights switched and I went from hero to scapegoat (oh...wait...I did!). I have found better friends and edited out the old superficial ones. I have found good fun past times...antiquing and treasure hunting, continued reading, coffee with girlfriends, etc. There is more to do and discover. In Chile, I was able to collect shells and love my shells...and have teatime (they had a lot of British settle there) with my spiritual friends.

Work has given me something good to focus on.

I am dreading looking for my daughter today, but it is what I need to do. I am alone...as I have been every time I 'supported' a daughter with tough love...and my energy is low because I realize that for them it is the past and a time they had 'fun'...and that for me...it is the present, it used up so many days, months and years of my past that I could have spent doing something else...but loved them enough to do it...and love this one enough to do it.

I need to stay calm and detached and am at an age where everyone has problems...and need to find another support group...that is more f2f...but feel exhausted and tired with where I am.

I am not thinking about tomorrow...just today. It truly never occurred to me that when I hit bottom and was depleted...that not one of the people I did for so greatly in life would do more than reject, shun, and turn their backs on me. Hubby says he is not that...we will see. I am in a bad place...but at least don't need to think as much about it...as I have to keep up at work, find an apartment, had the blessing of these friends from our chile side of life who, like us have lived here most of our married lives..or are mixed marriages...chile/american...so have shared experiences with me.

I am back in the city I was born and raised in...which takes me back to the good days of my grandmother who almost raised me (she was Dad's mother), who believed in extended family...was educated and cultured, but married a poor danish immigrant and so lived her life very humbly...and taught me so much and who truly loved me unconditionally until the day she died. I am pulling her presence around me...and keeping going with the tough I have in me. I am also following the wisdom my father taught me...so much...and learning that he was right in so many ways...and realizing what he did to get through his major disappointments, rejection and shunning by his family and also my mother when she was angry with him.

It is a good time...bittersweet, but I have let go of so much...and will be able to let go of this...in time and as things are better. I will hold firm on the no contact...my HP finally convinced me that it needed to be done...I waited a long time to make sure...and the thing with the kids...well, they are adults now...and although I accept their decisions, I do not like them for the lack of generosity, the self centeredness in them are disappointing, but theirs to make...and I will spend more time doing things to take care of myself in healthier ways.

Going to see my three grandkids next week and will enjoy that. I will not allow the toxicity of the mother of my grandgirl twins who lived with me (as did their mother) for the past 6 years until I went to Chile--destroy the good and love I have for them. My older daughter is calling me and wil pick me up with my grandson and that is good.

Need to get up and go right now...but it is good to process out these feelings...they are so hard. I have always felt like I was a mistake in my family...and I guess I was...but it is not because I am flawed and bad...it is because I am kind, positive and loving and giving...and I am finding out that that can be used by those who don't appreciate who or what one is.

Hard to learn...ready to do what is necessary to not go through again. I will not accept the scapegoat role...not any more.

MMkM

Have you read the sticky on the roles of a dysfunctional family?

If you have do it again. You learn something new each time as you reflect (or flashback especially if unpleasant) and fill in how each role of each member of a dysfunctional family reacted as if in a play.

Also, detachment works best when you totally get the dysfunctional ones all out of your life.

That is so painful at first, and like me sounds like your family of origin was your social life, friends, people you did things with (which is not a good thing when it all falls apart).

I also have played the enabler, rescuer and scapegoat.

Also have been ruthless with not contacting, now not even relatives that would ask about my family - all are out of my life.

You need to work steps daily and keep busy with other activities.

Guard what you accept as toxicity; when with your grandchildren make sure you don't discuss the problems of the person (mother), even go to places that have activities instead of close together family functions like long dinners in private places where the fights usually erupted (does that make sense to some people - a dysfunctional family in public rarely fights; but a long afternoon together does end up in the toxicity easily happening).

Writing and reading of posts here help you process the feelings and don't do that negative self talk - you were not a mistake in your family. I do reflect sometimes on how I enabled and the mistakes I made then. But then I made the best decision and the scapegoat told them all to not have anything to do with me or come visit, even when one needed a place to stay while in town.

No way they are sneaking their way back in.

And avoiding a relative of the them was another big step. What was there to tell but that none of us speak to each other or visit by choice, initiated by me and it is still that way. I don't even want to talk about them.

And many more are going through this. Read other posts. Even just reading yours now helps me realize it does get much easier and you will not regret getting rid of the dysfunction.

irisgardens

Wow!!! Thanks so much for the writing this post. Made me realize that I am moving in the right direction...and actually feeling so much better even since I wrote that.

Your post is HUGE ESH!!! Thank you!