Survivor Guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Survivor Guilt
Friday, July 5, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Survivor Guilt
We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.
Then it hits. Guilt.
Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind - those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.
We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a non-recovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.
How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.
And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.
We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.
We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.
Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Survivor Guilt
We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.
Then it hits. Guilt.
Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind - those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.
We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a non-recovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.
How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.
And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.
We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.
We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.
Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Thanks for sharing, I can see this a book I must buy! 
I keep reading pieces from it here and there on the forum... and it's just spot on every time.
My mom was an alcoholic, she's gone now... and I have this guilt at times. I don't know that it'll ever go away. But at least when I read something like this I don't feel so crazy.
I keep reading pieces from it here and there on the forum... and it's just spot on every time.My mom was an alcoholic, she's gone now... and I have this guilt at times. I don't know that it'll ever go away. But at least when I read something like this I don't feel so crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Thank you so much for posting that. I lost my sister to suicide (mental illness), and my brother is an active addict. It's not like i'm the picture of mental health or anything but I am definitely surviving while they are not.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Thank you from me, too. As Dreams said, I'm not the picture of mental health, but I'm pushing for recovery, while my parents never did. Much misery there.
Now, I wish I could have "just" Survivor Guilt as far as my ex....but regardin him, my problem is my own addiction to the memories, the good parts, the fantasy of a wonderful man that *I* participated in and totally made my lifeline and obsession.
So, the struggle I'm having is the crazy conviction that he's actually thriving, moved on without me, abandoned me without a thought..... VERY hard to stop my thoughts; or rather, *keep* them away.
Hope you all don't mind my rambling about it here....not sure if it's a hijack? I don't mean to do that, but I read something that gets me thinking, realizing what I'm doing....so I want to talk about it.
Now, I wish I could have "just" Survivor Guilt as far as my ex....but regardin him, my problem is my own addiction to the memories, the good parts, the fantasy of a wonderful man that *I* participated in and totally made my lifeline and obsession.
So, the struggle I'm having is the crazy conviction that he's actually thriving, moved on without me, abandoned me without a thought..... VERY hard to stop my thoughts; or rather, *keep* them away.
Hope you all don't mind my rambling about it here....not sure if it's a hijack? I don't mean to do that, but I read something that gets me thinking, realizing what I'm doing....so I want to talk about it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Thank you for posting this reading. I too needed it.
My sister died by suicide almost two months ago. I experienced "survivor's guilt" before her death, but now it's like 10x as much.
As someone who still struggles with codependency I can't stop thinking that I could/should have done more to help her. She was still in my life, but I had to detach years ago because being around her triggered me too much. I grew up thinking it was my job to save her and I decided to give her the dignity of living her own life. I wish I could have figured out a way to listen to her with compassion instead of always trying to solve her problems. She had many problems. Always thought that we would get to a place where our relationship wasn't so difficult. We will never get that chance now.
My priest tells me that detaching was good and necessary. If I hadn't we would have ended up as two equally broken individuals. I believe that intellectually, but not emotionally right now.
My mother and I were talking about my sister yesterday. I mentioned that during the last conversation I had with my sister I talked about a trip my family was going on. My sister responded how she always wanted to go there and I reminded her that she still had time. She just sort of sighed. In hindsight, I wonder whether she was already planning her suicide.
So, I tell my mother this and she then tells me how my sister would always get sad whenever I would tell her about our family trips because she and her husband didn't go on many family trips with their son.
Ugh, this made me so angry! The reason they didn't take trips was because of (poor) spending decisions they repeatedly made. I have worked hard, really hard to try and make a better life for myself and my children. Was I suppose to not take my child places?!?
Guess I know where some of this survivor's guilt is coming from ...
Thanks for letting me share.
db
My sister died by suicide almost two months ago. I experienced "survivor's guilt" before her death, but now it's like 10x as much.
As someone who still struggles with codependency I can't stop thinking that I could/should have done more to help her. She was still in my life, but I had to detach years ago because being around her triggered me too much. I grew up thinking it was my job to save her and I decided to give her the dignity of living her own life. I wish I could have figured out a way to listen to her with compassion instead of always trying to solve her problems. She had many problems. Always thought that we would get to a place where our relationship wasn't so difficult. We will never get that chance now.
My priest tells me that detaching was good and necessary. If I hadn't we would have ended up as two equally broken individuals. I believe that intellectually, but not emotionally right now.
My mother and I were talking about my sister yesterday. I mentioned that during the last conversation I had with my sister I talked about a trip my family was going on. My sister responded how she always wanted to go there and I reminded her that she still had time. She just sort of sighed. In hindsight, I wonder whether she was already planning her suicide.
So, I tell my mother this and she then tells me how my sister would always get sad whenever I would tell her about our family trips because she and her husband didn't go on many family trips with their son.
Ugh, this made me so angry! The reason they didn't take trips was because of (poor) spending decisions they repeatedly made. I have worked hard, really hard to try and make a better life for myself and my children. Was I suppose to not take my child places?!?
Guess I know where some of this survivor's guilt is coming from ...
Thanks for letting me share.
db
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