Payne

In my last post I talked about how my usual support system.is going through a lot of changes and I'm trying to deal with it appropriately. Immediately when extra space was added in I started to do my anxiety spiral where I was sure they wanted nothing to do with me. I kept that relatively relaxed and spoke to a trusted individual about how I was feeling and sorted out what was going on.
However because the initial person is stressed she snapped at me pretty regularly. My well focused positive outlook crumbled pretty quickly and I spiraled into a cycle of abandonment and reaching out. I feel guilty for accusing her of abandoning me when she was simply dealing with her life. Things are distant right now and I'm working on giving that space so that I can grow in working on trusting my HP to decide what's right. and also practice how to be patient and trusting.
It's almost crippling to try and trust that someone simply cares no matter how much they've shown it to me. However I'm focusing on myself, not allowing myself to isolate or brood, and attempting to come to a better place of trust which will help this friendship and any others in my life in the future. But man is it hard to just trust! Even with the right focus I'm definitely living in a "one MOMENT at a time" mode.
On a bright side I have had no choice but to realize how truly blessed I am. A group of friends I don't see often randomly invited me out for the fourth, I kept my mind on the present instead of worrying about the past of future 90% of the night and was rewarded by a good night with friends who knew when to tap me on the shoulder to pull me out of myself and gave me huge hugs and "I love you"s before I left.
Everyday I'm more comfortable in my own skin but reminding myself that the only one person who is my world is me, and that I'm apparently pretty likeable even when I'm not a people pleaser is a good thing to remember.
Phew long winded!

irisgardens

good for you. i was in a similar place over the past 5 months...and was able to snap out of it by surrounding myself with more positive people and those who cared and am working on letting go of the negative ones...(my family of origin and immediate family denied a very simple request when I was hitting bottom financially--just a temporary place to stay)...but then, my HP brought a long time (but not seen recently) friend to invite me to stay while I save money and get my apartment. so blessed. I went through all the abandonment issues all over again and was ready to throw some others out (the baby) with the bathwater, because I was so unable to trust anyone again. Well, dealing with it...I am healthily detaching, but notice that my rage and hurt is still there as I haven't got a place to call my own yet, no calls or caring shown, and when I came back from South America...there was no one to meet me...and so I am recuperating...but I can tell that things are still there and that I need to be careful and post on this site...not fall apart, retreat and isolate, or lash out. Thanks for your post.

Payne

A vast majority of my.stress is financial and.with an upcoming.surgery I'm nervous. Last time I was fourteen and I woke up to find out my "parents" went out for a beer so I woke up alone. The friend who I'm distant with has really only spoken regarding.the surgery promising she'll be there. I trust she won't break that promise if there's an option but I'm still nervous. I constantly keep wondering what my options are if she can't and bails. It would never be out of neglect but necessity but I worry... caus ethats what I do! Onem.o ment at a time it is!
Trust is hard, and even harder when you don't have financial or health stability. It's great you have someone to help give you a place to stay. d it sucks no one was there when you got back, maybe it was your HP pushing you towards this person.

Mukti3

Hi Payne,
I really like how you ended your post - reminding yourself of some important truths.
I can certainly relate to the fear of abandonment and getting caught up in "spinning" about my interactions with other people. After I vent/discuss my feelings with a trusted other, I do my best to distract myself. I know this is not easy when you are ruminating but try to remember there is more to life than our worrisome interactions with others. Go out and enjoy the day!

Payne

Thanks Mukti, I really have been trying to focus on "ok you can gent you can feel you can trust, BUT you can also find a bright side, always end with that" I've been trying the kiss me kick me kiss me approach with myself. it can be amusing at times. I was remarkably proud yesterday when due to unforseen circumstances i wasnt able to go out with my friends for girls night. So instead I switch my perspective to thinking "oh well jotw I get to have pajama and watching 'friends" night with my furry girls. (I have three fantastic dogs). I really can see how my insanely high level of stress forcing me to live moment to moment is a blessing, but I won't mind when I have learned my lesson and a few things can go right again! My friend put up a quote the other day "if it werent for the darkness we'd never see the stars." I think its a good one to remember.

irisgardens

The stress about surgery is hard...I will be praying. I am glad your friend said she would be there...and she sounds like a good friend. I, too, went through the phase where I had to realize that people were focused on their own lives most of the time (as I was) and that it was give and take. However, something like a surgery does it to you. That was my experience...as I have an active addict daughter on the streets...have gone through two other daughters and a son and hubby who are binge drinkers...and have given all. When everyone told me I couldn't do anything for her...and, to me, turned their backs...and still aren't calling...and refused to receive me...I felt completely alone...something that happened when Dad died 13 years ago...and the previously mother and sister who I believed were my best friends and did everything for to my emotional detriment (& believed they would take my back if I needed it) did the same thing. They have never stopped being negative since...and it seems as if my son and daughter (2 of five) caught the disease...as they all called me crazy and mentally ill.

Glad not to be there again...and although it was awful...came through it. Hold on...you will too. Yes, I believe my HP was moving me to more supportive environment...and am grateful.

Going to seek my daughter in the streets today...know that I cannot lose it...but need to try to find her...we haven't heard from her since April 7th...and as her mother...it is too hard.

Payne

Irisgardens, are you active in al-anon? And I will pray for your daughter to find her own path, and you to find some peace.

Payne

On the note of trusting my HP and my friendships more. After things came to a head on my no good awful week the friend who had been snippy approached me to do lunch and we talked it all out oin a few minutes then enjoyed the rest of the lunch. Afterwards a dear friend who I haven't seen for a year randomly came into town yesterday and we spent several hours at the beach culminating in her sitting me down to explain how far she's seen me come in fifteen years AMD how blessed she is to have me as a friend. It must have released a stress I was gripping onto because I went home and almost immediately got more and better sleep than I have in weeks.