Invictus19

Hi everyone,

I am in my 6th day of recovery. I have attended meetings for 3 days straight and plan to everyday for a long time. I feel more confident now than I ever have in the past of staying sober.

However, my fear of being the sober guy is still the same. I am not one for talking about my feelings or being different than others. I dread having to explain why I am not drinking. I dread having to let people know before they come to visit that I won't be drinking into the early hours until we fall down. I dread attending anything social where alcohol is present. I just want to close my doors, avoid drinkers and go to my meetings. I also realize that this strategy can't last forever if I won't to live a good life.

I could use some advice on this matter. I am still fragile right now. My most recent blackout has left me feeling horrible about myself - again. The last thing I want to do right now is talk about myself and open up.

Any thoughts, experiences, strategies are appreciated. Thank you!

MIRecovery

keep it simple you only have to worry about two things one is going to a meeting two is staying sober. I love the acronym for FEAR. Future events appear real. If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you will pee all over today

GreenEggsAndHam

You can just tell people you aren't drinking as you are trying to lead a healthier life (true).

I personally am avoiding situations that revolve around alcohol in my early recovery such as parties, beer fests, etc. My thinking is that I'm sick and healing right now - those things can wait until my resolve is stronger and I'm in a better place.

soberclover

I've also heard FEAR described as Face Everything And Recover. With time you will become stronger in your identity as a recovering person. I believe they are the strongest people I know. Often when people know I don't drink it isn't sympathy or thinking I'm strange but rather a silent acknowlegement on their part that they too have a problem (I often hung out with true blue alcoholics!) and they with they could do what I have done. Your self-esteem will come back in time

FeelingGreat

Hi; it seems like your social life used to revolve around drinking? Newly sober people often think telling people will be more of a problem than it turns out to be. You could say you're on the wagon for a while, having a dry July, have been advised to cut down. People often don't care that much.
Personally I found it better to keep the whole thing low key, but if I did say something it was along the lines of 'I'm not drinking at the moment'. I was surprised at how many people said they should do the same. Avoiding occasions where everyone was drinking was as easy as saying I had some other engagement.

Threshold

It's easy to get WAY ahead of ourselves, and start projecting and predicting a future we don't really know anything about.

Take care of yourself, and your recovery today. If that means holing up, reading literature, hanging out here and going to meetings, do it. Don't worry about what you'll be doing 3 yrs from now. Take care of your recovery today and you are more likely to be around 3 yrs from now, at which point you will address the needs of THAT day.

you are in a fragile place, honor that reality. If you were ill with anything else or recovering from any other illness, you'd probably lay low for awhile and focus on getting better. Do the same now.

Early on it was suggested to me that I trust the process and that more will be revealed and I have found that to be very true.

Congrats on your clean time! So glad you chose to join our SR community.

whipster

My reason I give for not drinking is that "I was told I needed to be healthier"...of course that is what I told myself, and healthier can mean mind and body. Most people will accept that, and if they don't you need other friends that aren't complete nimrods.

wpainterw

What I do is merely say, "I'm taking some medications which are ineffective if I drink alcohol." If they follow up and ask, "What medications?" (which is none of their business!) I say, "Oh I wouldn't want to bore you with that! Let's talk about something else!" If that doesn't satisfy them then you can carry a fake list of blood pressure medications, without your name on it, and offer it for their inspection and approval. Avoid anything psychiatric since that would give them another opportunity to pry. Eventually the most stupid of them would get the message, and that is whether you drink or not is none of their business and if you choose not to have a drink, then they should respect that and butt out.
Another tactic is to avoid these ex drinking "buddies" for awhile, until you get further into sobriety. It's actually easier than it looks!

W.

bigsombrero

I am almost a year sober and also dealt with (and still deal with) that fear of being "that guy who doesn't drink". First off, there's nothing to be afraid of. I was hanging out with a group of people last night. Some had one beer, others had several beers - I had nothing. I drank club soda. And I was just as much a "part of the group" as anyone else.

That said, these were new friends, travelers. As for my OLD friends - that is a different story. Quite honestly, I simply stopped hanging out with them. It put me through the ringer, mentally, figuring out how to still hang out with "the gang". I came clean to them about my problem, they were supportive, but in my first year of sobriety it simply wasn't an option to go to the Fantasy Football Draft and drink Pepsi. I had to simply opt-out.

Going out to eat was also an issue - if the waitress asked me "would you like to try our happy hour special?" I would freak out and tell her I didn't drink and so NO I DO NOT.

As the saying goes: It Gets Better. Today I realize that people don't see me as a stick-in-the-mud, but rather they are envious and impressed that I don't drink. It's kinda cool, no BS. Of course many people find this very interesting and ask why, why not, etc. But I've found a variety of answers fit the bill - including "I'm just not drinking these days".

You are on Day 6. As the other poster said above, there's no need to start manifesting all the things that haven't happened yet. The important thing (and maybe this is what you're looking for) is that I can tell you, truthfully, that IT WILL WORK OUT. You can have a social life, and you WILL NOT be "that guy". You'll be yourself.

With that said, you know there are bigger fish to fry here. Keep focused on your sobriety, one day at a time. Stay away from drinking situations right now, there is nothing wrong with "hiding" and staying sober at this point. Do whatever you need to do for yourself, keep building sober time, and the rest will take care of itself.

ScottFromWI

You'll find that your fears are largely unfounded. Most people really don't care one way or the other if you drink, you just think they do because your addiction is telling you so.

But as others have said, that's a bridge to cross later. You are extremely early in sobriety, so hanging out where alcohol is flowing freely for the first few weeks isn't the greatest idea. Keep yourself busy around home and work for now, there are plenty of things to do that don't involve drinking

Ohio1

I too put a lot of pressure on myself as to "what would I do in a year? 5 years? 10 years?" One of my first sober thoughts was "what will I do if I have kids and they get married and I can't drink at their wedding?" I don't even have kids but this is the stuff our brains do- we are all human.

If you got hit by a bus and were laying in intensive care would you be worried that you can't golf or ride a bike? No you would lay there and recover- for awhile- until the doctor says you can start doing things again. The problem with booze is there is no real answer to when things will happen like there might be if you got hit by a bus.

Deckard

I have found this to be true. In almost 8 months only one person has not been satisfied by the "not drinking to be healthier" answer.

LadyBlue0527

I wanted to expand upon the above. When I first quit these same thoughts came into my head. How I was going to handle the fact that I wasn't going to be able to drink at social functions where many others were drinking?

What I try to do now is this. Instead of saying "What am I going to do, I have to go to this get together and everyone will be drinking and I can't?!", here is my new thought process. "I am so eternally thankful that after I go to this get together that I won't make an ass of myself and wake up the next morning regretting something I said or did".

The first time I was in a situation I watched a close friend admit something to the table of people that I thought would never come out of her mouth. I was so surprised. However, it wasn't that it would never come out of her mouth it was that I would have been buzzed right along with her and wouldn't have thought twice about what she said. In fact, I would have been sitting there professing anything and saying everything about my own personal life.

You will find how interesting it is people watching at events when you're sober. You'll come to realize how stupid and idiotic alcohol makes people even if it appears that they're having fun. In turn, you'll be grateful after the evening is over that you weren't a part of it. My little devil in me also snickers at what they have coming to them the next morning. I don't want to paint what I do as being easy. I still hear that voice telling me that maybe I can just have one. My payoff comes when I don't do that, watch the action, and leave happy and sober.

Nighthawk8820

Why worry about those situations today? As you get more confident and sure of yourself, telling others you do not drink will become less and less of a big deal. You should feel proud!!! There is no shame in having an addiction and working towards getting over it. I dont make a big deal of my not drinking at social events, I just decline and move on. Anyone who makes a big deal of it isnt your friend and better left off the next invite list. You will meet new friends in sobriety anyway.

GreenEggsAndHam

Unless the person was a hard partier (ie. a big drinker), I didn't "get" them and wouldn't end up hanging with them.

One thing I have on my side is that my old friends are, well, older and settling down with kids and homes and things so partying isn't a huge priority with them anymore.

I've been thinking about how I will handle it the next time I see a couple of friends in particular, but I will simply say I'm not drinking and know they won't care. They are true friends.