Time for me to look in the mirror
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
Time for me to look in the mirror
I had what I thought was a loving relationship with my XABF until he broke up with me based on explanations that were very irrational and illogical. At the time I didn't realize he was an A. That realization has only come recently after visiting with him years later. During the visit, I noticed the things that I had overlooked or was in denial about while we were together about his drinking. I wanted to reconnect with him in hopes to establish a friendship.
I believe my need to reach out and reconnect was due to the rejection I had felt when he broke up with me as it had lingered with me for years. That and I truly missed my friend - the one that I had well before we got involved. The visit went well and we made plans to go to a concert together in September. I left concerned about his drinking but was happy to have re-established a connection with him in hopes that our friendship could be rebuilt. He has since communicated only to cancel the plans for the concert and weeks have gone by without any other word from him. It was as if the visit never took place. While I was not looking to get involved with him again as far as a relationship goes, I opened myself up to rejection by him again by seeking to reconnect with him as friends. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as before but it is rejection just the same. What is they say....rinse and repeat? Guilty as charged!
I am thankful that I do have the realization that he has a problem and the understanding that it is much bigger than me. I now understand that no matter how much I care for him or how great we get along, I have no influence over his actions, or in this case non-actions. Understanding all of that and looking within myself, I am able to identify that it was the rejection I felt that caused me to reach out to him. This has given me pause and realization that there are things that I need to work on.
I understand that feelings are a reaction to events or things people say or do but the fact that I hold on to that feeling like a sentence and feel guilt over it tells me that I have something to solve for. Thankfully it is not nearly as painful as it was years ago. It helps to have context about the way he acts now that I realize he has a problem. However, just understanding he has a problem when looking at this isn't enough. It doesn't explain why I allow myself to be victimized by the rejection of others. Why am I attracted to unavailable people? Why do feel rejected and bad about myself when they exit my life? They were emotionally unavailable to begin with. I have only had few committed relationships in my 40 something years. I think that is due to the fact that after a relationship ends, I am so down on myself about it for so long. It is frustrating and depressing to realize that I only repeat the cycle and waste years of my life feeling unworthy. Yet, I know I am not a bad person. I have flaws like everyone else but I am not a bad person.
Instead of having hope for the unavailable people that have rejected me in the past, I need to have hope for me and my future. I don't have control over them and cannot convince them that I am worthy to have in their life. I need to get to a place where I don't feel compelled to have a connection or friendship with an ex to feel validated. I have to find how to let go of the feeling of rejection pass and not carry it with me as a burden. While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.
I believe my need to reach out and reconnect was due to the rejection I had felt when he broke up with me as it had lingered with me for years. That and I truly missed my friend - the one that I had well before we got involved. The visit went well and we made plans to go to a concert together in September. I left concerned about his drinking but was happy to have re-established a connection with him in hopes that our friendship could be rebuilt. He has since communicated only to cancel the plans for the concert and weeks have gone by without any other word from him. It was as if the visit never took place. While I was not looking to get involved with him again as far as a relationship goes, I opened myself up to rejection by him again by seeking to reconnect with him as friends. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as before but it is rejection just the same. What is they say....rinse and repeat? Guilty as charged!
I am thankful that I do have the realization that he has a problem and the understanding that it is much bigger than me. I now understand that no matter how much I care for him or how great we get along, I have no influence over his actions, or in this case non-actions. Understanding all of that and looking within myself, I am able to identify that it was the rejection I felt that caused me to reach out to him. This has given me pause and realization that there are things that I need to work on.
I understand that feelings are a reaction to events or things people say or do but the fact that I hold on to that feeling like a sentence and feel guilt over it tells me that I have something to solve for. Thankfully it is not nearly as painful as it was years ago. It helps to have context about the way he acts now that I realize he has a problem. However, just understanding he has a problem when looking at this isn't enough. It doesn't explain why I allow myself to be victimized by the rejection of others. Why am I attracted to unavailable people? Why do feel rejected and bad about myself when they exit my life? They were emotionally unavailable to begin with. I have only had few committed relationships in my 40 something years. I think that is due to the fact that after a relationship ends, I am so down on myself about it for so long. It is frustrating and depressing to realize that I only repeat the cycle and waste years of my life feeling unworthy. Yet, I know I am not a bad person. I have flaws like everyone else but I am not a bad person.
Instead of having hope for the unavailable people that have rejected me in the past, I need to have hope for me and my future. I don't have control over them and cannot convince them that I am worthy to have in their life. I need to get to a place where I don't feel compelled to have a connection or friendship with an ex to feel validated. I have to find how to let go of the feeling of rejection pass and not carry it with me as a burden. While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there, and welcome! I see you figured out how to make a new thread. 
Guess you AREN'T too old to learn!
Sorry you were disappointed by your attempt to reconnect with your friend, but I think you are looking at it realistically.
And it sounds as if you are recognizing a pattern in your life you would like to change. Have you ever looked into therapy? Finding a good therapist can be life-changing. I've never done it myself, but I know many people who have benefited greatly from it.
Welcome, glad you're here!
Guess you AREN'T too old to learn!Sorry you were disappointed by your attempt to reconnect with your friend, but I think you are looking at it realistically.
And it sounds as if you are recognizing a pattern in your life you would like to change. Have you ever looked into therapy? Finding a good therapist can be life-changing. I've never done it myself, but I know many people who have benefited greatly from it.
Welcome, glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.
I am glad you are here.I am looking into therapy, and I enjoy going to meetings.
I am a recovering alcoholic and just beginning to understand I have an attraction
to men who are unavailable in some way.
Whether it is addiction, or just being a lying you know what.
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
LOL - hopefully I am not to old to learn although that is a fear of mine. I felt terrible when I realize I had replied vs. posted.
Yes I have a therapist but haven't gone in some time. It is time to make an appointment. I am also considering going to Al-anon to learn from the experiences of others in similar situations. That alone can help tremendously as I have learned from a different experience in my past.
I was so confused and turned on my head when he broke up with me for so long. I didn't understand it at all and felt I was losing my mind. It went from being great and loving to a quick deterioration over the course of two weeks where he was angered by the smallest things and was acting so irrationally. Of course, that just cause my insecurities to kick into overdrive and try to make things better. He was lashing out at me so I was trying to be better - but nothing I did seem to matter and after two weeks of hell, he sent me an email telling me we were over. Shock doesn't even begin to explain how I felt.
After reading the posts here and learning more about his disease, I figure that checking out al-anon can't hurt. Al-anon and therapy are where I plan to start in my journey to better myself, let the past go and with any luck the future will be a happier place for me.
Yes I have a therapist but haven't gone in some time. It is time to make an appointment. I am also considering going to Al-anon to learn from the experiences of others in similar situations. That alone can help tremendously as I have learned from a different experience in my past.
I was so confused and turned on my head when he broke up with me for so long. I didn't understand it at all and felt I was losing my mind. It went from being great and loving to a quick deterioration over the course of two weeks where he was angered by the smallest things and was acting so irrationally. Of course, that just cause my insecurities to kick into overdrive and try to make things better. He was lashing out at me so I was trying to be better - but nothing I did seem to matter and after two weeks of hell, he sent me an email telling me we were over. Shock doesn't even begin to explain how I felt.
After reading the posts here and learning more about his disease, I figure that checking out al-anon can't hurt. Al-anon and therapy are where I plan to start in my journey to better myself, let the past go and with any luck the future will be a happier place for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
You know, even though I now understand that alcohol has such a grip on someone and causes them to speak and act in ways that don't make sense to those of us that don't.....it is still difficult to comprehend that it is so powerful to control a person to such a point. It baffles me that it has ability to cause a person to reject the things and people that they love and enjoy the most. Do they even understand to any extent that they are doing it when they do? Do they ever understand what they did after the fact? I am still grappling with this.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Not2Old2Learn 
You know, even though I now understand that alcohol has such a grip on someone and causes them to speak and act in ways that don't make sense to those of us that don't.....it is still difficult to comprehend that it is so powerful to control a person to such a point. It baffles me that it has ability to cause a person to reject the things and people that they love and enjoy the most. Do they even understand to any extent that they are doing it when they do? Do they ever understand what they did after the fact? I am still grappling with this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Not2Old2Learn
I had what I thought was a loving relationship with my XABF until he broke up with me based on explanations that were very irrational and illogical. At the time I didn't realize he was an A. That realization has only come recently after visiting with him years later. During the visit, I noticed the things that I had overlooked or was in denial about while we were together about his drinking. I wanted to reconnect with him in hopes to establish a friendship.
I believe my need to reach out and reconnect was due to the rejection I had felt when he broke up with me as it had lingered with me for years. That and I truly missed my friend - the one that I had well before we got involved. The visit went well and we made plans to go to a concert together in September. I left concerned about his drinking but was happy to have re-established a connection with him in hopes that our friendship could be rebuilt. He has since communicated only to cancel the plans for the concert and weeks have gone by without any other word from him. It was as if the visit never took place. While I was not looking to get involved with him again as far as a relationship goes, I opened myself up to rejection by him again by seeking to reconnect with him as friends. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as before but it is rejection just the same. What is they say....rinse and repeat? Guilty as charged!
I am thankful that I do have the realization that he has a problem and the understanding that it is much bigger than me. I now understand that no matter how much I care for him or how great we get along, I have no influence over his actions, or in this case non-actions. Understanding all of that and looking within myself, I am able to identify that it was the rejection I felt that caused me to reach out to him. This has given me pause and realization that there are things that I need to work on.
I understand that feelings are a reaction to events or things people say or do but the fact that I hold on to that feeling like a sentence and feel guilt over it tells me that I have something to solve for. Thankfully it is not nearly as painful as it was years ago. It helps to have context about the way he acts now that I realize he has a problem. However, just understanding he has a problem when looking at this isn't enough. It doesn't explain why I allow myself to be victimized by the rejection of others. Why am I attracted to unavailable people? Why do feel rejected and bad about myself when they exit my life? They were emotionally unavailable to begin with. I have only had few committed relationships in my 40 something years. I think that is due to the fact that after a relationship ends, I am so down on myself about it for so long. It is frustrating and depressing to realize that I only repeat the cycle and waste years of my life feeling unworthy. Yet, I know I am not a bad person. I have flaws like everyone else but I am not a bad person.
Instead of having hope for the unavailable people that have rejected me in the past, I need to have hope for me and my future. I don't have control over them and cannot convince them that I am worthy to have in their life. I need to get to a place where I don't feel compelled to have a connection or friendship with an ex to feel validated. I have to find how to let go of the feeling of rejection pass and not carry it with me as a burden. While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.
I believe my need to reach out and reconnect was due to the rejection I had felt when he broke up with me as it had lingered with me for years. That and I truly missed my friend - the one that I had well before we got involved. The visit went well and we made plans to go to a concert together in September. I left concerned about his drinking but was happy to have re-established a connection with him in hopes that our friendship could be rebuilt. He has since communicated only to cancel the plans for the concert and weeks have gone by without any other word from him. It was as if the visit never took place. While I was not looking to get involved with him again as far as a relationship goes, I opened myself up to rejection by him again by seeking to reconnect with him as friends. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as before but it is rejection just the same. What is they say....rinse and repeat? Guilty as charged!
I am thankful that I do have the realization that he has a problem and the understanding that it is much bigger than me. I now understand that no matter how much I care for him or how great we get along, I have no influence over his actions, or in this case non-actions. Understanding all of that and looking within myself, I am able to identify that it was the rejection I felt that caused me to reach out to him. This has given me pause and realization that there are things that I need to work on.
I understand that feelings are a reaction to events or things people say or do but the fact that I hold on to that feeling like a sentence and feel guilt over it tells me that I have something to solve for. Thankfully it is not nearly as painful as it was years ago. It helps to have context about the way he acts now that I realize he has a problem. However, just understanding he has a problem when looking at this isn't enough. It doesn't explain why I allow myself to be victimized by the rejection of others. Why am I attracted to unavailable people? Why do feel rejected and bad about myself when they exit my life? They were emotionally unavailable to begin with. I have only had few committed relationships in my 40 something years. I think that is due to the fact that after a relationship ends, I am so down on myself about it for so long. It is frustrating and depressing to realize that I only repeat the cycle and waste years of my life feeling unworthy. Yet, I know I am not a bad person. I have flaws like everyone else but I am not a bad person.
Instead of having hope for the unavailable people that have rejected me in the past, I need to have hope for me and my future. I don't have control over them and cannot convince them that I am worthy to have in their life. I need to get to a place where I don't feel compelled to have a connection or friendship with an ex to feel validated. I have to find how to let go of the feeling of rejection pass and not carry it with me as a burden. While I am redirecting that hope to myself, I hope that it isn't too late for me to change and have a chance at love with someone that is available and appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.
Ohhhhh
It seems like you just put MY issues on paper. Well, virtual paper, I mean. THIS is exactly what I have to work on too!! The way you put it into words helps me SO MUCH, you have no idea! I was just writing an email to an SR friend, actually, and that, coupled with this gives me a BIG AHA moment!! That REJECTION has been a huge, recurring theme in my life and I keep going back to the people that reject me, trying to fix it. And never developed very good skills at finding people who DON'T reject!!
I've had three long r-ships. Two that lasted 9 years, and one that lasted 4 years. All of them would have been a lot shorter if I'd had more self-esteem, less fear of abandonment, less certainty that I'd never love another.
I've also got several much shorter r-ships scattered around in there that were short because those people were EVEN MORE sick, damaged and abusive than the aforementioned three! And I emotionally bonded to them, too!!
I also had a 7 year period of being single. Learned a lot, went to AA (substituted "r-ship" for "alcohol") with a group of good friends. Didn't get a sponsor to help me work the program, unfortunately. Worked on other stuff, basic survival, function on a daily basis stuff, I guess you could call it.
I'm 55 now and I hope it's not too late for me.
I'm so glad I finally got to read your post!! It was on my "Read This Later" page!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
dammit! I was making several edits, and went over the 15 time limit.
I didn't know that I would be automatically taken off my typing window....so that all that work and thought is now lost.
I am pretty pissed off right now. Fifteen minutes is NOT a long enough edit period. And being unable to save what you wrote because of the automatic thingy-whatever-you-call-it-that-just-wipes-out-what-you-were-doing......
I didn't know that I would be automatically taken off my typing window....so that all that work and thought is now lost.
I am pretty pissed off right now. Fifteen minutes is NOT a long enough edit period. And being unable to save what you wrote because of the automatic thingy-whatever-you-call-it-that-just-wipes-out-what-you-were-doing......
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I feel your pain, Arg. It's happened to me, too.
It's happened to me, too.Pulverize your valuable scribblings into a chaos of photons then helpfully advise that you CAN ask for special dispensation to have your editing time extended....OH, BUT YOU"RE GONNA HAVE TO COME UP WITH THE WHOLE ESSAY ALL OVER AGAIN, FROM SCRATCH....In however many days it takes the admin to reply.
TRIIIIICCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
