New Life Ahead, but I Need Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 67
New Life Ahead, but I Need Help
I am looking forward to a new life. But I know the work has only begun.
My background: I started drinking at 14 and it was a blast. I am shy by nature and it helped my confidence. It helped me be the person I wish I could be. High school was full of binge drinking as a "weekend warrior."
By college, I was binge drinking 4 times a week, minimum. This was probably the first period of time that I sensed something wasn't right. I blacked out a lot and had many regrettable incidents: a DUI, insulted many people, kicked out of bars for falling down. The list is a mile long. But this was college and this sort of fall down drunk behavior was celebrated, unfortunately.
Post-college I was still binge drinking on weekends. When I finally got my own place I started drinking alone on week nights. The problems continued. Embarrassing and/or regrettable nights, loads of blackouts, strained relationships. I was falling apart at the seams. But I still had a job and paid the bills so I fought off the voice telling me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it.
Now I am 34. I have three kids and an amazing wife. Yet, I still drink to excess frequently. I embarrass myself often when I drink like this. I have destroyed friendships, jeopardized my health and career and I am giving my wife many reasons to leave me. Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
I cannot control myself. Period. I am an alcoholic. I have known it for years. I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER. I am scared for my safety and mental health if I don't.
I went to AA last night. I intend to go everyday if possible. It helped to listen.
I am glad to be here,as well. You all are amazingly brave and inspirational. I know I have found the right place. Thanks. Looking forward to getting to know you.
My background: I started drinking at 14 and it was a blast. I am shy by nature and it helped my confidence. It helped me be the person I wish I could be. High school was full of binge drinking as a "weekend warrior."
By college, I was binge drinking 4 times a week, minimum. This was probably the first period of time that I sensed something wasn't right. I blacked out a lot and had many regrettable incidents: a DUI, insulted many people, kicked out of bars for falling down. The list is a mile long. But this was college and this sort of fall down drunk behavior was celebrated, unfortunately.
Post-college I was still binge drinking on weekends. When I finally got my own place I started drinking alone on week nights. The problems continued. Embarrassing and/or regrettable nights, loads of blackouts, strained relationships. I was falling apart at the seams. But I still had a job and paid the bills so I fought off the voice telling me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it.
Now I am 34. I have three kids and an amazing wife. Yet, I still drink to excess frequently. I embarrass myself often when I drink like this. I have destroyed friendships, jeopardized my health and career and I am giving my wife many reasons to leave me. Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
I cannot control myself. Period. I am an alcoholic. I have known it for years. I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER. I am scared for my safety and mental health if I don't.
I went to AA last night. I intend to go everyday if possible. It helped to listen.
I am glad to be here,as well. You all are amazingly brave and inspirational. I know I have found the right place. Thanks. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: mountains of BC, Canada
Posts: 246
Welcome! What a wonderful thing you have done for yourself. This will change everything for you - in a very good way. We have a lot of similarities and (unless I missed something) you and I have both made a decision at a time when we (by some miracle) have not *lost* everything - but are acutely aware that this is the path we are on.
This forum is amazing. To feel understood is the biggest thing for me. My husband *supports* me (and I don't belittle that intention) but he truly truly doesn't understand. It is the same with friends I suspect although I haven't verbally admitted it to anyone but my sister and husband.
Big big welcome and congratulations on not just making a decision but taking action.
You are amazing and strong!
This forum is amazing. To feel understood is the biggest thing for me. My husband *supports* me (and I don't belittle that intention) but he truly truly doesn't understand. It is the same with friends I suspect although I haven't verbally admitted it to anyone but my sister and husband.
Big big welcome and congratulations on not just making a decision but taking action.
You are amazing and strong!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
That kind of committment will go a long way is seeing you through the rocky road that is early recovery. Stay strong and if you don't waiver from your goal, you'll get there.
Originally Posted by Invictus19 
I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
I started drinking regularly at age 15 and just admitted I'm an alcoholic at age 42. So many embarrassing and shameful moments in my life.
I find AA to be a great support. Never in a million years could envision myself at AA meetings!
This board is also incredible. I check it several times a day to keep my head in the game, so to speak. Good luck - we know how you feel!
I find AA to be a great support. Never in a million years could envision myself at AA meetings!
This board is also incredible. I check it several times a day to keep my head in the game, so to speak. Good luck - we know how you feel!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Invictus (my favorite poem!), and welcome. I read your post and thought, "This guy totally has the right stuff" and I believe you do. You already recognize what there is to lose, that you WILL get worse, not better, and that you can never drink again "like a normal person" because you're not a normal drinker, you are an alcoholic. Major props to you, that takes guts...lots of them. It took me about seventeen years of progressive drinking before I realized what you articulated. I am 38 and have been sober almost five months now. I never, ever thought I could live life without booze. Everything revolved around it in the end and, even though it was causing me major pain and anxiety, I really believed I couldn't live without it.
Well, I could and I am. It wasn't easy but these have been the best four and a half months I have had in many, many years.
I am also in AA and it helps me immensely. You are correct: you need other recovering alcoholics and people who understand addictive behavior around when you are trying to quit. Obviously, this place is wonderful too. It kept me sober for the first month before I got up the nerve to go to AA and is part of my daily sobriety today. Every day.
Anyways, welcome again and congrats on having the courage to begin what will likely be one of the best journeys of your life. It is SO worth it.
Well, I could and I am. It wasn't easy but these have been the best four and a half months I have had in many, many years.
I am also in AA and it helps me immensely. You are correct: you need other recovering alcoholics and people who understand addictive behavior around when you are trying to quit. Obviously, this place is wonderful too. It kept me sober for the first month before I got up the nerve to go to AA and is part of my daily sobriety today. Every day.
Anyways, welcome again and congrats on having the courage to begin what will likely be one of the best journeys of your life. It is SO worth it.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Invictus19
I am looking forward to a new life. But I know the work has only begun.
My background: I started drinking at 14 and it was a blast. I am shy by nature and it helped my confidence. It helped me be the person I wish I could be. High school was full of binge drinking as a "weekend warrior."
By college, I was binge drinking 4 times a week, minimum. This was probably the first period of time that I sensed something wasn't right. I blacked out a lot and had many regrettable incidents: a DUI, insulted many people, kicked out of bars for falling down. The list is a mile long. But this was college and this sort of fall down drunk behavior was celebrated, unfortunately.
Post-college I was still binge drinking on weekends. When I finally got my own place I started drinking alone on week nights. The problems continued. Embarrassing and/or regrettable nights, loads of blackouts, strained relationships. I was falling apart at the seams. But I still had a job and paid the bills so I fought off the voice telling me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it.
Now I am 34. I have three kids and an amazing wife. Yet, I still drink to excess frequently. I embarrass myself often when I drink like this. I have destroyed friendships, jeopardized my health and career and I am giving my wife many reasons to leave me. Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
I cannot control myself. Period. I am an alcoholic. I have known it for years. I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER. I am scared for my safety and mental health if I don't.
I went to AA last night. I intend to go everyday if possible. It helped to listen.
I am glad to be here,as well. You all are amazingly brave and inspirational. I know I have found the right place. Thanks. Looking forward to getting to know you.
My background: I started drinking at 14 and it was a blast. I am shy by nature and it helped my confidence. It helped me be the person I wish I could be. High school was full of binge drinking as a "weekend warrior."
By college, I was binge drinking 4 times a week, minimum. This was probably the first period of time that I sensed something wasn't right. I blacked out a lot and had many regrettable incidents: a DUI, insulted many people, kicked out of bars for falling down. The list is a mile long. But this was college and this sort of fall down drunk behavior was celebrated, unfortunately.
Post-college I was still binge drinking on weekends. When I finally got my own place I started drinking alone on week nights. The problems continued. Embarrassing and/or regrettable nights, loads of blackouts, strained relationships. I was falling apart at the seams. But I still had a job and paid the bills so I fought off the voice telling me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it.
Now I am 34. I have three kids and an amazing wife. Yet, I still drink to excess frequently. I embarrass myself often when I drink like this. I have destroyed friendships, jeopardized my health and career and I am giving my wife many reasons to leave me. Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
I cannot control myself. Period. I am an alcoholic. I have known it for years. I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER. I am scared for my safety and mental health if I don't.
I went to AA last night. I intend to go everyday if possible. It helped to listen.
I am glad to be here,as well. You all are amazingly brave and inspirational. I know I have found the right place. Thanks. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Well the fact you said you are an alcoholic and cannot drink EVER is a huge step in a positive direction. It takes some people so long to even admit that, so you are on the right track. Now you need to come up with a sobriety plan and work like hell to make it stick. Its not easy, especially at the start, but I can tell you its so worth it and a WAY better life in general. My drinking timeline was very similar to your own, and I came to the same conclusion that I had to stop. You can do this, but you have to change a lot. Your anxiety and depression will get a LOT better too, as alcohol magnifies these to unbearable levels. Congrats, welcome to the forum and welcome to your new journey in life.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Invictus19
Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
.
.
Welcome. You're in good company.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 21
Welcome to sobriety. Though I am not big on AA, initially when I sobered up, it did help to go to the meetings and just listen. I found out that I was not unique, that I was just an alcoholic like others in the room. Even though I never got to tell my story, sometimes I'd be listening to someone share and I'd be like holy cow, that's my story!
I was the type of alcoholic who though I could never manage without drinking. I firmly believed I NEEDED alcohol to sleep as I was scared witless of my own thoughts. Then something strange happened. Despite drinking and passing out, I started waking up after 2 hours in total mental agony. Only to drink more and pass out again and wake up. I was no longer getting the quality of rest my body needed. My body in the meantime was taking a heavy beating, shaking, sweating, suicidal thoughts.....I went to rehab and learned to change my life and thinking.
Alcohol is a great conman. Despite all I've learned and the progress I made in the two years of recovery, somehow, I convinced myself that now I was ready to try moderate drinking. Wrong.
I sobered up again on 6/19/2013. Thanks to the tools I'd learned in recovery, I didn't have to wait till I was passed out drunk, shaky and back on psych meds.
You can do it
I was the type of alcoholic who though I could never manage without drinking. I firmly believed I NEEDED alcohol to sleep as I was scared witless of my own thoughts. Then something strange happened. Despite drinking and passing out, I started waking up after 2 hours in total mental agony. Only to drink more and pass out again and wake up. I was no longer getting the quality of rest my body needed. My body in the meantime was taking a heavy beating, shaking, sweating, suicidal thoughts.....I went to rehab and learned to change my life and thinking.
Alcohol is a great conman. Despite all I've learned and the progress I made in the two years of recovery, somehow, I convinced myself that now I was ready to try moderate drinking. Wrong.
I sobered up again on 6/19/2013. Thanks to the tools I'd learned in recovery, I didn't have to wait till I was passed out drunk, shaky and back on psych meds.
You can do it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Invictus19
I am looking forward to a new life. But I know the work has only begun.
My background: I started drinking at 14 and it was a blast. I am shy by nature and it helped my confidence. It helped me be the person I wish I could be. High school was full of binge drinking as a "weekend warrior."
By college, I was binge drinking 4 times a week, minimum. This was probably the first period of time that I sensed something wasn't right. I blacked out a lot and had many regrettable incidents: a DUI, insulted many people, kicked out of bars for falling down. The list is a mile long. But this was college and this sort of fall down drunk behavior was celebrated, unfortunately.
Post-college I was still binge drinking on weekends. When I finally got my own place I started drinking alone on week nights. The problems continued. Embarrassing and/or regrettable nights, loads of blackouts, strained relationships. I was falling apart at the seams. But I still had a job and paid the bills so I fought off the voice telling me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it.
Now I am 34. I have three kids and an amazing wife. Yet, I still drink to excess frequently. I embarrass myself often when I drink like this. I have destroyed friendships, jeopardized my health and career and I am giving my wife many reasons to leave me. Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
I cannot control myself. Period. I am an alcoholic. I have known it for years. I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER. I am scared for my safety and mental health if I don't.
I went to AA last night. I intend to go everyday if possible. It helped to listen.
I am glad to be here,as well. You all are amazingly brave and inspirational. I know I have found the right place. Thanks. Looking forward to getting to know you.
My background: I started drinking at 14 and it was a blast. I am shy by nature and it helped my confidence. It helped me be the person I wish I could be. High school was full of binge drinking as a "weekend warrior."
By college, I was binge drinking 4 times a week, minimum. This was probably the first period of time that I sensed something wasn't right. I blacked out a lot and had many regrettable incidents: a DUI, insulted many people, kicked out of bars for falling down. The list is a mile long. But this was college and this sort of fall down drunk behavior was celebrated, unfortunately.
Post-college I was still binge drinking on weekends. When I finally got my own place I started drinking alone on week nights. The problems continued. Embarrassing and/or regrettable nights, loads of blackouts, strained relationships. I was falling apart at the seams. But I still had a job and paid the bills so I fought off the voice telling me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it.
Now I am 34. I have three kids and an amazing wife. Yet, I still drink to excess frequently. I embarrass myself often when I drink like this. I have destroyed friendships, jeopardized my health and career and I am giving my wife many reasons to leave me. Also, I have crushed my own self-esteem and exacerbated my deep-seeded anxiety and depression.
I cannot control myself. Period. I am an alcoholic. I have known it for years. I will never be able to drink normally. I have yearned for a better life of sobriety, but only made half-assed attempts at it.
Not this time. I NEED to quit FOREVER. I am scared for my safety and mental health if I don't.
I went to AA last night. I intend to go everyday if possible. It helped to listen.
I am glad to be here,as well. You all are amazingly brave and inspirational. I know I have found the right place. Thanks. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Hi Invictus (I love the poem too 
). Glad to have you with us.
You see very clearly what needs to be done. Some never get it and keep trying to control or moderate. It never worked for me, but I wasted decades thinking if I summoned up enough willpower I could be a social drinker. I had to be brought to my knees to realize I had to kick it out of my life. It felt strange in the beginning, but I wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything - it feels amazing to be free.
). Glad to have you with us.You see very clearly what needs to be done. Some never get it and keep trying to control or moderate. It never worked for me, but I wasted decades thinking if I summoned up enough willpower I could be a social drinker. I had to be brought to my knees to realize I had to kick it out of my life. It felt strange in the beginning, but I wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything - it feels amazing to be free.
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