EDNP123

Hi I'm a 33 year old mother on day one of sobriety. I drank frequently 3-4 times a week before I got pregnant with my son. I would visit the father on weekends and we would drink them away. He drank every night as well as heavy marijuana use and occasional pills, cocaine use. My drinking got worse being around someone even more out of control than I was. I dont have a problem turning away the drugs, but the alcohol gets me. When I found out I was pregnant it was surprisingly easy to stop drinking altogether, especially since the father was supportive. Although he kept up the heavy drinking and drug use my entire pregnancy, even doing both in front of me on numerous occasions. I recall being disgusted at his sloppy drunkeness a bumbling babbling fool. Never ever violent with me or even mean that I recall. He barely worked, slept all day while I worked and stayed sober my entire pregnancy and basically got ready for the baby with the help of family and friends while he acted like a 21 year old. A month before I was due he moved in with me and I was adamant that he would not drink or use while there. To my knowledge he complied. Anyway about two weeks later we had a fight and he went out and got arrested for public intox without telling me (he stayed on a hotel that night). And he did ok after that but a few weeks later he brought a "surprise" for me- two bottles of Dom Perignon. That's all she wrote. We both began drinking more often... I hated it I really did. I didn't want it to be that way for my new baby. It didn't seem to bother the father. I know it's never anyone else's fault but I drank just to not feel the pain of watching him spiral back into his old ways. And because he was annoying drunk and I hated seeing an intelligent person with potential in such a state. The drinking fueled fights (I can get mean and crazy- especially since I was angry with him for not being a responsible father and working on sobriety while I was pregnant). So he decided to move out. Before he did he slept with another woman while still staying with me because he had no electricity in his new place yet. That was the most painful thing I've experienced in my life and I went on a bender for three days, unable to take care of my child and his father had to take him. Since then I've drank just about every night and that was 1 1/2 year ago. The pain is still there. I know I have to forgive him and allow myself to feel the pain before I can try to stop drinking but I can't help but feel he was somewhat responsible for me starting up again when I was so determined not to after my child was born. I thought quitting would be the hard part- but not starting up again when it's in your face is ten times harder. My blaming him for his partial hand in this and not forgiving him is really getting in the way of getting better and I'm not sure how to get past it and focus on me for me and my child.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR!

This part of your post puzzled me:
How are you going to feel the pain if you are still drinking? Seems to me that in order to feel the pain the drink has to go away first.

Do you have a plan about your future drinking? Do you plan to stop?

Best of luck on your journey!

Dib42

Who doesn't work and brings home 2 bottles of Dom Perignon?

Either someone set for life, or someone who makes terrible choices. (or both?) -

You should stop drinking, you're missing the best years of your child's life. Here in a few years your child will drive you nuts and you'll miss these times. Its a weird thing with children, the stage you're at always seems worse than the stage before.

Also you need to own your addiction. You can't make him stop, but you can choose not participate. Its not like he held you down and poured Dom Perignon down your throat . . . (although I think I saw a video like that one time . . . but nevermind my web surfing habits) . . .

Dib42

Argh, so many words I misread a few of the statements . . .

the "not forgiving him is getting in the way of getting better" - I'd disagree with that statement, I think drinking is getting in the way of getting better, and you don't have to forgive him, so much as you have to get over it, or learn to deal with his actions. He's the father of your child and will most likely be in your life for rest of it, in one way or another. He's a human, not a very good one apparently, but he's going to make mistakes... But he's also the father of your child and you owe the kid some civility there. He was a mistake in your life, but on the plus side, you got a child out of the deal.

There is always an excuse to drink, believe me, I'm back here because I thought I was over that whole "making excuses to drink" thing. . . . apparently I was not. There is no one thing that happens that makes it so you can start being sober, other than just not drinking.

EDNP123

Thank you for reading my insanely long post and for your concern! That makes sense, thank you. You're right! I had it in my head to deal with that bitterness and anger first, then not drinking would be a lot easier. It's a chicken before the egg type deal. I need to deal with the problem first before dealing with the underlying source(s) of the problem perhaps....

I have no plan right now, I'm here for ideas! Right now just telling myself "I won't drink tonight I won't drink tonight" Looking further ahead than that scares the crap out of me is too overwhelming. I would love to stop altogether and need to. It's been weighing on my heart for awhile now... I'm no fool I know there is a rock bottom and people can lose everything because of alcohol and/or die at an early age... I know no good can come of it and want to stop before my number comes up!

Dib42

The real lousy thing about being an addict, is that often you think of all the reasons to quit, (its killing me, its hurting my family, im wasting my money, i'm making a fool of myself, I feel like crap all the time, etc etc etc) and the outcome is "I think I might just have one more, tomorrow is great day to quit"

Days become years... There are millions of reasons to quit, but we'll focus on the one excuse to not quit today.

2granddaughters

The only thing I found that got me sober, keeps me sober and improves my life on a daily basis is AA.

All the best.

Bob R

Nonsensical

Well, you're in the right place, then.

Members here are successfully living happy sober lives using many different methods/programs/techniques (and combinations of them). You can learn about these if you read around the various different forums. And ask questions, too. Then you can make an informed decision on a plan.

Since you're not drinking tonight, maybe you can fill the void by reading.

You can do this!

least

to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family!

Hevyn

Welcome EDNP. It's so good to have you join us.

I'm glad you're looking at what alcohol's doing to your life. I hope you'll find the support & encouragement you're looking for.

EDNP123

DIB42 The Dom was a completely irresponsible purchase just FYI. And I thought about what you said and yes, we can and do always find an excuse don't we?! I thought about if I were past what I went through with my ex would that be the answer? No. Would help but I suppose it's the nature of the beast to find excuses. And I totally could find others.

It's hard to be present in the moment with kids... So glad you can relate that's just how I feel- tired feeling like crap or preoccupied because its almost drinking time.

EDNP123

Thank you all for your kind welcoming words!! I am thinking about AA for further support. I LOVE SR so far.... Somewhere to go where people understand is AMAZINGLY helpful.

susasober1

While I would also recommend attending an AA meeting, there is also the option of attending other types of "Recovery meetings". Many local churches feature these as well as offer different types of counseling. You do not have to be a member of the church in most cases. Neither of these options require money or fees unless you can afford to donate.

Good luck!

2granddaughters

Virtually all the AA meetings I attend are in church basements.

There are no churches around here that have their own recovery programs.

AA has no dues or fees.

All the best.

Bob R

2granddaughters

Support and understanding are nice. I needed direction and strength. AA gave me those.

All the best.

Bob R

Dib42

Spend some sober time playing with your kids, it'll blow your mind. Try to get inside their head and play along with them, sometimes they accidentally say things very deep, and sometimes its just completely hilarious. My favorite games to play with my daughter are the doll house games. From there I can get a good insight into how she views the mommy, daddy, little brother, her, and grandma grandpa dynamic.

(although one time, we were playing Barbie, and I was the ken doll, she was the Barbie, and the Barbie walked over to ken and asked, "Do you want to smell my dress?" I was in way over my head on that one.)

Excuses are always there, There are so many reasons to just have one more and quit tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes... I was surprised to find out, that even after quitting, you can still find the dumbest excuses to have a few... I was a few months sober, and decided doing yard work was a good enough excuse to have a few beers. A few weeks later I was downing close to a 5th of whiskey in about 2 hours. I'm still suffering withdrawls.... which is always the worst part... But I'm happy I made it back here.

There is NEVER a convenient or easier time to quit. It is always difficult because its a behavioral modification. So by thinking, "it'll be easier and better for me to quit after X happens because then I won't have to deal with the stress of Y" is totally false, you're just procrastinating.

(I will admit however, if someone show'd up with some Dom right now, I'd totally drink it... I've always wanted to see what all the hub-bub was about)