Amber23

oh a therapist would LOVE to use RAH and myself as a case study. This morning while rushing for work, I placed my lunch on a cutting board on our teeny counter. RAH rarely cleans up after feeding self and it is very common for sandwiches to be cut and crumbs not wiped up.....

I asked what the knife was used for before I sliced my sandwich.....his reply "raw sausage" to make his breakfast....

....now I had just raced home from DD swim lessons, showered us both, made her lil snack and my lunch...TOTALLY late for work.....and now I have to toss my food......and I am starved.

So I snap "REALLY!? Why didn't you clean it" to which he replies "Why would you put that there" ...and you can imagine how it continued for a bit.....

So the goofy thing was, he was barking a me for not "being accountable for my actions" and "you had a role in this" etc....then I am barking at him "why do I always have to watch out for what you aren't taking care of" and "we wouldn't be having this problem if you didn't create the situation in the first place!"

holy early recovery drama

dandylion

Dear Amber, I sure do relate to what you are talking about. The only suggestion that I can give you is to detach;detach;then, detach some more. It is useless to expect the mature and healthy guy that you have been waiting for (when he quit drinking). That, and lowering your expectations---maybe down to the ground. (I do hope you read the "King Baby" blog.

To my mind, detaching and lowering expectations is a way of protecting yourself from the effects of selfish and immature behavior. It allows you to become stronger and give up any ideas you may have of controlling his behavior (you can't) and fantasies of what he would be like in the sober state. None of this is "fair"---alcoholism is not fair---and l iving with an alcoholic is not easy.

This is a period of time where you need space to decide if this is what you want in your life or not. If sobriety brings enough changes to continue the relationship into the future. To work o n yourself and get clarity--to change and grow where you feel that you need to. He also needs the space to learn how to function on life's terms.

Yes, he needs space---but, you need space as much as he does.

I think your post is a beautiful example, by the way.

I am having the same early recovery issues with my oldest son. Thankfully, he is living several states away. I will only talk to him on the phone when he is in a pleasant mood and behaving in a mature manner. Geography is my friend!!!!! (he is 11mo. sober).

sincerely,
dandylion

FireSprite

I can't tell you how many times I stared off at a blank wall & slowly counted to 10 during a conversation/situation like that when RAH was in early recovery. It felt surreal, like an out of body experience, more like a conversation I was watching, not actually having. When I stayed detached, I marveled at how the whole topic would just spiral into everything BUT the original issues.

Hang in there & remember to make time for YOU this weekend!

SoloMio

Yes, I've felt those out-of-body experiences. But it's hard to maintain all the time. I lost it yesterday over, of all things, a jalapeño plant. I bought a jalapeno plant, which resulted in the most ridiculous diatribe about how my buying this plant meant I don't respect him and he's the best gardener and he's been planting since he was a little boy and we've been over this and over this and even though I said we shouldn't grow peppers, you just go off and do what you want.. didn't we agree...didn't we talk about this.

It was mind boggling, the train of thought. Downright incredulous. So I guess I'm a) not supposed to buy a $2 plant without his permission and b) just finding a little spot for it somewhere in "his" yard upsets his whole world as "King Gardener."

Yes, sometimes you really have to lift some heavy spiritual weights in order to detach.

dandylion

Solo! You surprise me.

Why would a reasonable person just go out and impulsively purchase a jalapeno plant??
Really?

dandylion


(just kidding)

FireSprite

I agree! It IS hard to maintain, but it also got easier for me in time because the more I worked my recovery, the faster I could identify this "dance" when it started and just sidestep it emotionally. Even when I end up going a few rounds before I realize it, I find it easier to not take it personally. Not always, but more often as time goes on.

For me the hardest part is sometimes remembering to use these new tools because it feels like I'm running every thought & action through a filter sometimes and THAT is kind of foreign to me still.... I have to catch myself early on in an argument. It's still imperfect but better than it was during early recovery.

Tuffgirl

I agree with Dandylion - Solo this could be grounds for divorce, especially considering how abusive you behaved toward him. I think you should have told him it would be best to call the police and file a report.

I really wish we had a WTF smiley I could insert here.

Amber - lesson learned, eh? Wash all utensils before using them.

DG0409

SoloMio

I know.. If it weren't so sad, it would be funny. Or if it weren't so funny, it would be sad.

Maybe we should start a "Ridicu-list" thread like Anderson Cooper has.

Amber23

oh you guys are the best....
SOLO MIO!!!! Thanks for the post. I TOTALLY needed that....I reminded myself of your story when RAH got all upset when I said the pork he cooked for DD was a little rare. (and I was nice about it) Well he pointed out I knew nothing about meat and it was fine and blah blah......and he was sick of being criticized......I remembered your story and kept my mouth shut.....no need to play into this irrational behavior......
probably one of the rarer moment of clarity I have had...thanks!

Goodtillitsbad

Hahah... Rare Moments about rare meat.

BlueSkies1

Honestly, you set yourself up.
He has a history of not cleaning up after making whatever. Why would you trust that the knife and cutting board were any different this time?

wicked

A jalapeno plant?
SoloMio, it pains me that you would not think of King Gardeners plans,
but more importantly,
how do you pronounce it?

:rotfxko

I would get red-faced furious when my ex pronounced it Ja la penno! ja like in jar.
I am giggling now how mad I would get.

Holy early recovery drama is right!



Beth