Hi - I'm New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Hi - I'm New Here
I found Sober Recovery through another site. This was me two days ago:
[My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We have three children, 16 14 and 8. We have been together for 17 years, were teen parents, and had a really "bumpy" road. A year after our youngest child was born we decided we should probably pave that bumpy road we were on and get our acts together. He had begun drinking during this time. It was a coping mechanism I am sure. Since then we have gotten married, bought a house, have really good jobs, our kids are super great kids. They are involved with plenty of extra curricular activities and make good grades. It's everything we talked about. All of our goals and dreams are being realized. Only now I wish the drinking would stop. I have talked to him about it. I have told him how it it effecting our relationship, but he won't quit. Like most, he doesn't see that he has a problem. He thinks it must just be me. Now, I am becoming resentful, which is not what I wanted. He works 12 hour shifts 3 - 4 days a week. He won't eat on those days when supper is done because he wants to be able to drink. I just fix him a plate and stick it in the microwave. This is upsetting because dinner time is very important to me. We always ate as a family growing up and as busy as our family is, it is important to me for us to spend this time together. He also likes to turn on the TV during dinner which really pisses me off because, again, it is family time and half the family is watching TV. He also insists on packing a cooler if we are going to be away from home in the evenings or for long periods of time. This includes the kids events. It really bothers me to see him over at the truck smoking and drinking during the ball game or slipping outside during the band concert. And yesterday just topped it off!! We went to an amusement/water park 1.5 hrs from our house. He packed beer in our beach bags even though there is not supposed to be any alcohol in the park, packed a cooler and drank it on the way home (I drove). Of course a cop gets behind us and I am a nervous wreck about being pulled over! Ugghh!!]
Yesterday:
[After posting my own, I went home last night and told my husband that I don't want to be married to an alcoholic. That's not what I want in my life - not for me and not for our kids. Keep in mind this is not the first time I have mentioned his drinking. We have talked about how it will effect his health in the long run and we have talked about how it has effected our sex life and I have even told him in the past that I wanted him to cut back, which only lasted for so long and then he was back to drinking the same as usual. Getting to the point of seeking support and posting my own story means I am at my breaking point. I told him I cannot live with the drinking and anxiety it causes me. I even told him how I felt about it being so much a part of our lives that he has to bring it to the kids events. He said he understood and he needs my help BUT there would be times he would still drink, like when he is grilling. The idea is not to fight about it. It is to have a productive conversation and he does need my support if he is going to quit drinking. I do however feel that if he is automatically coming up with a reason to drink, then he is not 100% committed at this point. So, I made it very clear that I would not be here having this same conversation in a year. This is really hard.]
Today:
[Last night he came home and did not have a drink. He ate dinner when dinner was ready. He did not argue when I turned the TV off even though our youngest did. He was loving and sweet. He played the Wii and hung out in the kitchen and living room after dinner. Usually he isn't even in the house when we eat or if he does eat he takes off outside as soon as we're done. I am still a little distant. I can't pretend this isn't happening. But this is feeling pretty good.
But because I'm not melting like putty in his hands, he wants to talk about it. I told him that we did not get where we are overnight and it is not going to go away overnight. I appreciate his apology but there is no plan. I know that I cannot live the way we are living anymore. He says his plan is to cut back. I say ok. He wants to know what my plan is. I said my plan is to take it one day at a time. I will support whatever decision he makes but I know that I cannot make these decisions for him. I can only make them for me. He again says he needs my help and the way I am being is not helping. And again, the conversation is over.
I cannot tell him what he wants to hear. He wants me to tell him that I
want to be with him and I won't leave him if he cuts back and that
cutting back is good enough. The thing is, we have had the "I'll cut back" conversation and we are still here.]
I know that was a lot, but like all of you, my story is a work in progress and I'm on day 3.
[My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We have three children, 16 14 and 8. We have been together for 17 years, were teen parents, and had a really "bumpy" road. A year after our youngest child was born we decided we should probably pave that bumpy road we were on and get our acts together. He had begun drinking during this time. It was a coping mechanism I am sure. Since then we have gotten married, bought a house, have really good jobs, our kids are super great kids. They are involved with plenty of extra curricular activities and make good grades. It's everything we talked about. All of our goals and dreams are being realized. Only now I wish the drinking would stop. I have talked to him about it. I have told him how it it effecting our relationship, but he won't quit. Like most, he doesn't see that he has a problem. He thinks it must just be me. Now, I am becoming resentful, which is not what I wanted. He works 12 hour shifts 3 - 4 days a week. He won't eat on those days when supper is done because he wants to be able to drink. I just fix him a plate and stick it in the microwave. This is upsetting because dinner time is very important to me. We always ate as a family growing up and as busy as our family is, it is important to me for us to spend this time together. He also likes to turn on the TV during dinner which really pisses me off because, again, it is family time and half the family is watching TV. He also insists on packing a cooler if we are going to be away from home in the evenings or for long periods of time. This includes the kids events. It really bothers me to see him over at the truck smoking and drinking during the ball game or slipping outside during the band concert. And yesterday just topped it off!! We went to an amusement/water park 1.5 hrs from our house. He packed beer in our beach bags even though there is not supposed to be any alcohol in the park, packed a cooler and drank it on the way home (I drove). Of course a cop gets behind us and I am a nervous wreck about being pulled over! Ugghh!!]
Yesterday:
[After posting my own, I went home last night and told my husband that I don't want to be married to an alcoholic. That's not what I want in my life - not for me and not for our kids. Keep in mind this is not the first time I have mentioned his drinking. We have talked about how it will effect his health in the long run and we have talked about how it has effected our sex life and I have even told him in the past that I wanted him to cut back, which only lasted for so long and then he was back to drinking the same as usual. Getting to the point of seeking support and posting my own story means I am at my breaking point. I told him I cannot live with the drinking and anxiety it causes me. I even told him how I felt about it being so much a part of our lives that he has to bring it to the kids events. He said he understood and he needs my help BUT there would be times he would still drink, like when he is grilling. The idea is not to fight about it. It is to have a productive conversation and he does need my support if he is going to quit drinking. I do however feel that if he is automatically coming up with a reason to drink, then he is not 100% committed at this point. So, I made it very clear that I would not be here having this same conversation in a year. This is really hard.]
Today:
[Last night he came home and did not have a drink. He ate dinner when dinner was ready. He did not argue when I turned the TV off even though our youngest did. He was loving and sweet. He played the Wii and hung out in the kitchen and living room after dinner. Usually he isn't even in the house when we eat or if he does eat he takes off outside as soon as we're done. I am still a little distant. I can't pretend this isn't happening. But this is feeling pretty good.
But because I'm not melting like putty in his hands, he wants to talk about it. I told him that we did not get where we are overnight and it is not going to go away overnight. I appreciate his apology but there is no plan. I know that I cannot live the way we are living anymore. He says his plan is to cut back. I say ok. He wants to know what my plan is. I said my plan is to take it one day at a time. I will support whatever decision he makes but I know that I cannot make these decisions for him. I can only make them for me. He again says he needs my help and the way I am being is not helping. And again, the conversation is over.
I cannot tell him what he wants to hear. He wants me to tell him that I
want to be with him and I won't leave him if he cuts back and that
cutting back is good enough. The thing is, we have had the "I'll cut back" conversation and we are still here.]
I know that was a lot, but like all of you, my story is a work in progress and I'm on day 3.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 128
You sound a lot like my previous relationship. I was married for five years and it seemed right when we got to our dream jobs and great kids, the drinking got worse. I used to say that if there were 500 people in the room and one other alcoholic, my husband would find them to drink with.
I had the same talk you did and the same results. I also didn't melt to putty, I was too angry. Plus, at least for my husband, there wasn't such a think as cutting back. He would for awhile but then slip. From my opinion a true alcoholic cant usually "cut back".... They have to stop, and they have to be the one to want to stop.
I gave my husband a year, and then pulled a U-haul in front of the house and said that I wouldn't leave if he'd start AA. He chose not to.
We divorced and 7 years later he is still an alcoholic.
What helped me was individual counseling and going to Al-Anon. I learned how to stop enabling and it eventually led to me realizing that his lifestyle wasn't what I wanted for the rest of mine.
I don't mean to be negative - it could be totally different for you. But my advice is to know what you want from life and to make sure that you are able to get that once (if) he is recovering.
You can PM me if you want. Good luck to you, it's a hard road.
I had the same talk you did and the same results. I also didn't melt to putty, I was too angry. Plus, at least for my husband, there wasn't such a think as cutting back. He would for awhile but then slip. From my opinion a true alcoholic cant usually "cut back".... They have to stop, and they have to be the one to want to stop.
I gave my husband a year, and then pulled a U-haul in front of the house and said that I wouldn't leave if he'd start AA. He chose not to.
We divorced and 7 years later he is still an alcoholic.
What helped me was individual counseling and going to Al-Anon. I learned how to stop enabling and it eventually led to me realizing that his lifestyle wasn't what I wanted for the rest of mine.
I don't mean to be negative - it could be totally different for you. But my advice is to know what you want from life and to make sure that you are able to get that once (if) he is recovering.
You can PM me if you want. Good luck to you, it's a hard road.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You have every right to set boundaries, behaviors you won't tolerate. But you have to back them up with action or they're just empty threats. I hope you can find some peace in your life.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I'm glad you found us! I'm sorry you're going through this. You may want to also post over on the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section, unfortunately there's a lot of us around who have loads of experience loving alcoholics.
I think you hit a really important point when you said "but there is no plan". Also, if you look around here and on the Alcoholism board, you will see countless awful tales of failed moderation (cutting back). It sounds like you're thinking of yourself and of your children and you don't have to make any decisions today..
One note, he doesn't need your support to quit drinking. We say that stuff a lot.. just like we say we need to "cut back". That's just desperation to keep the charade going..
I think you hit a really important point when you said "but there is no plan". Also, if you look around here and on the Alcoholism board, you will see countless awful tales of failed moderation (cutting back). It sounds like you're thinking of yourself and of your children and you don't have to make any decisions today..
One note, he doesn't need your support to quit drinking. We say that stuff a lot.. just like we say we need to "cut back". That's just desperation to keep the charade going..
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