Marjoram

Well, after a successful weekend - I fell horribly hard yesterday. I won't even go into details, because it's all related to my job, my husband's job, my husband's daughter that has made for a lot of tension in our lives, my disappointment in myself, my disappointment in others....just everything came to a head yesterday, and I dove back into a world of self-pity, and a bottle.

I attempted to reach out to a friend, but when I hung up, I was crying even more.

I was hoping to come back here after a week, and say "I did it". But, I didn't make it.

So, here I am at day one...yes again. I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Except, I'm female. :rotfxko

The choice was mine. I had no booze in the house, so, yep....I went to the store. First big mistake. I should have let my anger pass. But, I didn't. I drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort. Did it make things better -not at all. Did I think it would - not at all. Did I wake up with regrets and disgust with myself - I sure did.

I'm in a horrible job working for a company that lies and falsifies information so they look good on paper. But, in the meantime, we continue to go beyond 90 days with our supply base. They then want me to go to other suppliers since our current ones are gradually putting us on hold. To me, that is just transferring the "bank" account to another supplier. And that is what we are doing. Using our suppliers as banks. After over a year of us promising that we are getting better, it continues to get worse. I cannot be part of such a deceptive plan. Against all my ethics. I've been looking for a different job for over a year now, and there just isn't anything out there. Wherever I go, I will take a huge cut in pay, and I feel guilty to my husband, because I feel like that puts all the pressure on him and his job. And his job is upside down right now, like many.

Most days, I look at all the positives of our lives and know it could be so much worse. But, yesterday, when I received work emails that were downright disappointing, I became depressed, then angry. Angry at everything. And that is not me.

It just escalated from there, and booze was my answer. Instead of meditation, prayer, a friend, anything. That was my mistake. That ugly voice reared its head and took over successfully.

When this happens again, and I know it will, I will remember I have to approach it differently. I have to find something positive and constructive to do to avoid having to post another Groundhog Day event. I have to reach out better and most importantly, I have to get my friend on board that helped me through my last round. She's a rock, and I know she needs to be part of my plan. I hope to visit with her this weekend, so I can talk to her face-to-face.

I'm sorry for my "fell-ure". I know in coming back, I have to tell myself, it's not a failure, it's part of this journey. But, it doesn't mean I have an excuse, because there's always one. It just means I have to try, try again.

Strength to everyone here today. I know this can be done. I just have to remind myself as I remind everyone here...there's not "can't" in my vocabulary.

Be well everyone.

sunshinescooby

Hang in there Marjoram.. We're all pulling for you. HUGS!!! Remember that you're not alone, and self pity will not do any good. You're better than the company you work for. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today..

Pondlady

Marjoram,
Being originally from MI....I love you avatar

Making ethical decisions is important to me. I strive for this in both my personal and professional life. It would be stressful indeed, to be asked to do unethical things in your job. First things first though.....work on your sobriety. Once you're on solid ground, you can tackle the job situation. Being sober won't make the problem disappear......but you'll make better decisions.

Southern Comfort isn't going to bring you any comfort at all.

Marjoram

Pondlady - you are right about that. They should call it Southern Regret.

I can't get across that bridge enough. I love the U.P. Lots of outdoors to love and appreciate.

Thank you for your kind words and your thoughts.

avondale

Just wanted to give you support...I know it's hard but as long as you keep trying.
Hope you have a better day today.

avondale

LadyinBC

Big hugs to you. Like others said don't give up. Many of us made mistakes along the way. And it seems like you did learn something and now you know what you can do next time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a learing process and it is not easy by any means.

Nonsensical

• Drank
• Regretted it
• Posted about it on SR

Common ingredients in every successful recovery story I read on SR.

Sobriety - get after it. We are doing this!

Marjoram

Thank you, Nonsensical. I have to remember that.

It's amazing how I laid in bed this morning (not hung over, thank goodness), and thinking how I HAVE TO DO THIS! This is not a rehearsal, this is a live show. Every moment, it is right now. And right now has to be sober. I cringed at the idea of posting, but I knew it is part of making it happen.

Thank you to everyone for their support. I think all of us that have come here, realize that it's a big part of a life of sobriety.

Marjoram

I forgot to note this - my mind wanders too much. But, it scares me when a person can drink a half bottle of booze, and not be hung over. That is a huge sign of a problem. That was one of the thoughts that went through my mind as well this morning.

stark6935

I started thinking that right before I stopped last week. I could easily drink a whole 750ml and wake up not hung over, and it really didn't feel like it got me that drunk either. That is something like 1700 calories also...

GroundhogDay

I understand completely what you are going through. It's why I chose GroundhogDay as my userid. I quit my soul sucking job before I quit alcohol. I know that most people wouldn't agree with the order of events, but I knew that getting sober wasn't going to happen otherwise. I did save a lot of money and made a budget before I quit my job, so I am financially secure for now.

Am I still unemployed? Yes. Am I putting pressure on my husband? Yes. Am I still sober? Yes.

bryangt

The important thing is you realized & learned thru this mistake AND you did come back--that takes strength....You can do this & learn from your mistake.

trikyriky

Each time we relapse I think we're one step closer to our goal. You did not fail you simply slipped. Dust off & start again . Posting here is step 1 positive.

Marjoram

I'm so glad to be able to come back here. I believe a lot of people have benefited over the years from SR. I hope one day to be one of those success stories. It's like anything else in life. Hard work pays off. I just have to work harder at this. I know the benefits will be endless.

ScottFromWI

One of the things that finally made me decide to quit for good was that I finally realized drinking makes everything worse, not better. I also drank to escape daily problems and stress, and used that to rationalize my drinking to an extent. But in the end, drinking actually makes the problems worse. It's literally like throwing gasoline on a fire instead of water.

Soberpotamus

Oh wow, I did the very same thing! I quite the soul sucking job... and then got sober! Haha.

Saved a little bit of money, started writing from home as a freelancer but doesn't pay well. Putting pressure on my new husband. Though he says he doesn't mind, it's still financial pressure and that hurts. Am currently looking at job options and more school.

(sorry to hijack thread, but wanted to relate)

Marjoram, you did great by posting the truth. Hang in there. That job sounds like a killer. Jump right back on the horse.

ForMyGirls

First things first- get/stay sober...

Second thing- you need to distance yourself from that company ASAP. No matter what the financial burden may be in the short term if you leave, it will be much worse in the long term if you stay once the stuff hits the fan (which it always does), and you and your company are sued (or worse-indicted) for fraud/falsifying documents...

Signed- your neighborhood alky CPA/Auditor...

lessgravity

The thing is about drinking is that it only feeds itself - it is a suck on every other aspect of your life that has the possibility to bring you satisfaction, peace, comfort, not mention fun.

Life isn't always fun, and it is often uncomfortable, anxiety-ridden, unfair and boring.

But drinking makes it all about one thing - drinking.

There's a life that is waiting for you, I know there is one for me, where when we wake up in the morning just being alive, and sober, and not in the crux of another painful hangover, and the day ahead, filled with either pleasure or pain or ennui or joy, is just a day and one that is ours - not the Beast's, not the poisons, not one where our demon is waiting behind us, laughing at last night's sad dip into the pleasure of another blackout.

You can do it. You just have to do it.

Wishing you the best.

Nuudawn

There are times in my worklife that I've known that it's been drinking that has made an intolerable situation, tolerable..as in there is no way I would have stayed at certain jobs if I wasn't downing a bottle of wine or more everynight. You cannot live against your own integrity.

In truth, there are a number of situations and relationships I endured because I was drinking. I too am of the opinion that if you stay at the job, you will keep drinking as one will excuse the other.

Get sober and get a new job.

Marjoram

Thank you everyone. My husband would completely support me if/when I leave that job. That is where I am very fortunate. He could be pushing me to stay. But, I know I have to get over that "guilty" feeling that it's not fair. Sometimes life isn't fair, and I know that. It's a reality. Staying sober is priority, getting out of that pit of a workplace is a close second.

Lots of great words above. I greatly appreciate your honesty and opinion.

By the way - instead of having a drink today, I just went for a 110 mile motorcycle ride. I never drink and ride. But, today it was a mind clearing ride. I really put a lot of thought into how good it feels to just be out there enjoying the fresh air. SOBER. Sober feels so wonderful - it's crazy how we destroy such a good feeling with alcohol.