kellylouise85

Hello

Im very new to this forum , I just hope someone can help me.
wow where do I start , right here goes:-

My husband has liked his drink now for a good amount of years . when we first met about 11 years ago it would be the occational drink after we both finished work ... we eventually moved in together and we have 2 beautiful boys 8 and 4.

I would say about 5 years ago that's when it twigged that he was lying to me about how much he had and where he was etc , he wouldn't come home from work a couple of times a week (when he did he was so drunk) I don't even know how he managed to get home. After this happens I will tell him his behaviour was discusting and turning his phone off or just ignoring my calls isn't nice for me when I worry .
He can sometimes have a good few weeks without a drink , in this time we are and feel like the perfect family and I just prey and prey it will last . he has a great job , goes to work everyday and gets paid a nice amount of money .

last year I ended up calling the police on him as he for the first time in 11 years together got to rough with me in front of the children too , and that's when I put my foot down and wanted rid of this relationship (at this time he was drinking a bottle of vodka everynight after he got home from work which was about 7pm. We was in and out of court for what seemed like forever and I hated every part of it because I love him and knew the real him , the loving and funny person i know he can be .

During the difficult year last year , he was going to AA meetings and did pretty good but had the occational hiccup, and then after would really regret it .

i told him his family are waiting for him to become sober , and that we will be here if he choses too.

well he moved back in with me and our boys a few months ago , and everything was perfect for a while , but now i can see it getting back to how it used to be !!!!

This last month has been pretty bad , he was out for 2 days and 1 night drinking , i had no idea where he was , who he was with etc etc. i spoke with him and said ive given you a chance here to be with your family and your doing this again ??? once again he was sorry and says he wont do it again .

wonder where he is tonight ?? He finished work at 6:30 and its now nearly 12am , phone is off! ! ! ! !

It hasn't got to the stage again of him bringing home a bottle of vodka every night , but im so worried and upset its going to get like that again and really want to help him before this happens for my family . i know he can be a good man that's why im still here for him and try so hard to make this work ... But how much can you try ? how much help can you give someone if they just throw it back in your face ?

i feel so alone and have nobody to talk to about this ....

just some advice would be nice .....

sorry about the long post x x x

Robertstone

I am so sorry to hear this my friend. His brain is tricking him into thinking he needs a drink above everything else. Excuses like work is very stressful, or he had a bad day, or he needs to relax... all of these are just tricks that his addicted brain is telling him and he believes it every time. I don't know how much you know about addiction, but this is just a glimpse into what is happening inside his brain. He is not aware of this, of course. He thinks those thoughts are his and that he is doing what he wants. I just wanted you to understand this so that when he is sober you can help him understand.

Unfortunately, AA did not really help me. It seems to encourage the excuses as to why my addiction was not my fault, how I needed a higher power, how I had to admit that I had no power, etc. Not to say AA does not help people, but I found that for me it just added to the list of excuses that my brain was already giving me.

I would recommend doing internet searches for "addictive voice recognition techniques" that will give you an overall understanding and then you can help him understand what is happening.

I think you can keep trying to help him as long as he is not posing a physical threat to you and your family.

Lots of love to you

hayley86

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult position, trying to help is all well and good and I can understand why its so important to you but he really has to want to change and be committed to changing. Does he want to stop drinking / has he tried any different methods of recovery before?

I have just read that you say he tried AA and that sounds promising, I think you really need to be firm with this and do whats best for you and your children. Make it clear that unless he changes his behaviour and commits to getting sober then you wont accept living this way.

LadyinBC

This! Sometimes we need a good dose of reality to wake up so to speak.

GracieLou

When I was married the first time, my husband would come home drunk from work. I was not sure how he got home either. He did not go to bars. He was not late coming home. He worked in a large plant that produced frozen food product. He drank cooking wine/sherry they used in the cooking of these foods. It never dawned on me then, 23 years ago, how sad that is. His addiction was so strong.

Of course I did not see my own issues with alcohol at this point. It was all him.

I am sorry to say that his addiction to alcohol has a stronger hold on him then you and your family does. I am sure he wants it to. We all wanted to stop.

I am glad he has tried AA and I hope he will try it again but you can't wait for him to choose to get sober. He has to hit bottom. Everyone has a different bottom. The only thing you can do is decide what it best for you and your children.

Yes he has, he is just not bringing it home so he drinks it elsewhere. He knows you disapprove and it is easier for him to stay away then try and hide it at home. If he drank a bottle of vodka a night in the past he is drinking that much now if not more.


You cannot help him. He has to admit he has a problem. He has to want help and accept that help. There is no amount of trying or wishing that you can do that is going to make him change. He is throwing it back on you so he can get the attention off of him and his problem. It is what we do.

Post as much and as often as you want/need to.

You can pray for him. You can check out Al-anon. (there is a section here for friends and family of alcoholics, of course you can continue to post here as well)

As an alcoholic I can tell you that there is no person, family or otherwise, that would have made me stop drinking or get help. I had to finally come to that conclusion on my own. Crying, pleading, wishing or ultimatums would have not stopped me. I may have for a short time but in my alcoholic mind all of these things did not matter and in most cases I turned them around on the other people and blamed them.

I too tried AA in the past. I relapsed for nine years. I am back in AA and I am truly working the program this time. I have a sponsor and a home group. I am sober almost three months.

I am not telling you all this to make you feel bad or that is hopeless. It is not. But he has to want sobriety more than getting drunk and at this time it does not seem like he is there. The only thing you can do is what is best for you and your family. Your mental and physical security at this point must come first, just like his desire to stop drinking must come first.

least

How much of this behavior are you willing to tolerate? He's not willing to stay sober, he's proved this over and over. Do you want your kids thinking it's normal for daddy to get "rough" with mommy?

I'd suggest looking into AlAnon meetings as support for you and your kids. It must be very hard living that life, not being sure how he's going to be when he comes home. You need support for yourself.

We have a friends and family of alcoholics forum. Maybe take a look at that for more insight.